Infidelity leading to enlightenment?

[Cathy]

For 25 years we have had a faithful, loving and strong marriage. We've faced and worked with big problems (his depression, questions about his life purpose etc) had counselling too, and grown from them. Last month I supported him travelling in pursuit of special work he does which is v important to him. He built a close relationship with another woman (whom I know) & when we were all at an event together in UK turned it sexual. He is also standing on threshold of what he sees as major spiritual advance - & believes this is connected with new woman - and that to progress he must see her, talk with her (& have sex). I am working v hard to stay out of destructive anger, jealousy, & bitterness, but am absolutely devastated & crushed. I dont want to drive their relationship underground. I agreed they need to talk (email, phone) then I accepted they need to see each other face to face to understand where to go next. At the moment my husband says he wants us both (what a surprise!) He says he does not know if he loves her, or she loves him - but I have a strong instinct that he is not being honest with me, and they have already declared love for each other. You dont fly thousands of miles for a long weekend unless you are already sure. I dont think he means to deceive me about this bit - I think he genuinely believes what he says to me. We have been enormously open, caring and supportive of each other since he told me - I am really struggling hard to see that unless we understand what has happened, there is no hope. I love him so profoundly, & I know that the real test of my love is if I really put his happiness (fullest sense, not sexual) before my needs. But I am so frightened this is all leading to him leaving me. How can the situation of a new exotic lover, who seems to bring some sort of spiritual rebirth for him, be less attractive than cosy old wife at home? I have always honoured and acknowledged to him his divine being - but I think he never believed me or really listened. Now he finds he is hearing her - because its a new and different voice.
Please - can anyone contribute anything useful? I am so emotionally shattered, I cannot imagine surviving this physically.

[Liz]

Dear Cathy,

What a variety of excuses a person can develop to permit themselves to act in a particular way and soothe their conscience. What is impartment to your husband - you and your marriage or his own fulfilment? Sadly many of the "new" spiritual paths are about fulfilment and self awareness. They are self focussed, rather than other focussed.

In contrast Christianity is very much about acting in a way which honours God and cares for others. It may well be that your husband has found someone who he has "hit it off with" in the area of spirituality, but it still boils down to good old infidelity. I’m afraid it's an age old story of seeking something new and exciting rather than realising there is still so much more joy and excitement to be found in working through the ups and downs of a stable committed relationship.

You seem to be other focussed, wanting what is best for your husband and I'm glad you recognise that doesn’t mean what he thinks is best for him necessarily. It’s important too for you to accept and own your feelings, rather than just push them down inside. You might like to look at the articles on feelings (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/feelings/) and anger (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/anger/) on the site.

Is there any chance of him being willing to do something about working on your marriage rather than just doing his own thing? There are the avenues of counselling (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/counselling/) available, or you might consider doing an enrichment weekend (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/), which tends to cover relationship skills, communication and exploring your hopes for your future together. Some of these also have a spiritual element, more than secular counselling. Our personality profiler (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/pp/personprofile1.html) might also provide you with some insights together, since it looks at attitudes and beliefs. The book Divorce Remedy (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/books/divorceremedy/) has also been found helpful by a number of visitors to this site.

We are all on a spiritual journey, since we are all spiritual beings. That journey may be different for husband and wife, but different doesn’t have to mean wrong or disastrous. Just as you have tried to understand him in this area, perhaps its time to ask him to try and understand you and what’s important to you.

I hope that gives you some ideas. Do keep in touch.

Liz