Husbands Weight Problem

[Darlene]

My DH has a weight problem and it is really starting to cause me concern for many reasons. DH is 42, 6 feet tall and is 300lbs. His body mass is 40.7 (being in the serious catagory)!! We have a 1 year old baby and I am concerned that DH will have a heart attack and die. Leaving me alone to care for DS and with NO financial means to do so. He has tried every "diet plan/ way of eating" known to man kind. His problem is has has NO will power at all. I have NEVER ONCE talked about his weight or pressured him to lose it. He tries to on many occasions and he ALWAYS ends up cheating. This gets me VERY angry as I readjust how I cook, what I buy and the foods we keep in the house. (He by the way is the only one in the house that can't controll his eating habits). So the rest of us do without occasional"goodies" for his sake because I don't want to tempt him, but support his effort. BUT, then I find snack wrappers in his car and I have seen him driving down the road putting fench fries in his mouth! Then he comes home and eats the diet dinner that HE wanted and acts as though he's doing well with it. I am to the point of giving up. I don't see why the rest of the family should change their eating habits when he won't and he is the one who needs to! Also, I am beginning to find DH less attractive than before. And I think it is because I have so much anger over this and the fact that I am scared of being left alone. Should I tell DH that I would like him to lose weight? I have always heard that, that would have a rebound affect, but obviously the FULL support I have given him up until now hasn't helped. I tried to set a good example when I lost my baby weight (80 lbs)! But that didn't do it either. I am starting to get pretty distressed over this. Thank you.

[Liz]

A lot of research these days suggests that eating disorders of all kinds are linked with how we see ourselves and feel about ourselves. This means that motivation to change eating habits is absolutely key to any long tem change. However much you want the change, it's your husband's will that will make the difference.

I understand something if your concern having struggled to encourage my own husband to lose weight over the years. I have training in the field of nutrition so in some ways I thought I had all the answers if only he would co-operate. I often felt angry and frustrated especially if I found he'd been snacking after all my hard work to provide healthy attractive food for him.

My mother was ill through over weight and so I was desperate to protect him from something similar. A member of his close family had died from cancer and so he saw illness as something that just hit you and couldn't be avoided. I saw it as something that you could avoid through healthy living. It caused a lot of tension and misunderstanding until we shared these different attitudes with each other.

So one place to start is to really look at what your own fears and attitudes are and then to try to get to the bottom of how your husband views himself and life and then find some way to share that and even seek professional help. I had a scan of the web and found an interesting web site here (http://www.raderprograms.com/).

This UK site (http://www.eatingdisorderscentre.co.uk/index2.htm) also has an interesting article.

You can't “rescue” your husband, but you can encourage him to recognise that he can seek help. You can share your own fears and concerns and reassure him of your love and acceptance of him even though you may not like the fact that he is overweight. There may be health issues causing or resulting from his weight. He would be wise to seek medical advice and help.

Your own feelings (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/feelings/) about the situation arise because of who you are – they are not his fault. It’s good to recognise and own our feelings, but it doesn’t help to blame them on our husband or circumstances, because that pushes us apart. We can however share them with our loved one so they can understand where we are. As I said earlier it’s ok to share your concern with your husband, but not to tell him that he should lose weight. He needs to want to dot hat himself.

It’s really tough when you see a loved one taking what you consider risks that might hurt them or separate you in some way. If you can try to deal with your anger (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/anger/) and keep top priority of telling and showing your husband how much you love him.

I hope some of the links I’ve included will help you to think through the issues and find new ways to talk to your husband and support him.

All the best

Liz