What do you think?

[Philthefish]

Hi,
my wife and I have been going through a pretty tough time recently, about 5-6 weeks. She announced one day that she was fed up with our marriage and wanted a separation/divorce. We are both Christians and have been married for 17years. There are problems that need to be sorted out in our marriage I don't deny that. Recently, about 3 months ago, she found a Christian Chat site and spends about 4-6 hours a day on it, she has even set up a private email address so that I can't read her emails. She has started chatting to a guy on there and has even given him her mobile number so that they could keep in touch when we were on our family holiday, (we have two teenage kids). I have challenged her about this and she denies that there is anything going on, I do believe her, although it doen't help in the whole situation. She has now arranged a meal out with a few people she has spoken to on the site, this guy included. What do you think? Am I being paranoid or should I just accept that she has found a new group of friends?
any thoughts please
Phil

[Darlene]

I'm sorry to hear of your problems within your marraige. In my opinion NO you should not just accept that she has these new friends, especially if some are male. If this is truly innocent on her part then she wouldn't mind if you joined her on her night out?! That is what I would do. If she didn't want you to come, then you'd know there was more than meets the eye in what she is telling you. Obviously there are some serious issues in your marragie that need to be uncovered. Don't let it get to far out of hand before there is no turning back. Good luck to you!

[Philthefish]

Thanks Darlene,
thats kind of how I was feeling, but just wanted another opinion. My problems are that Ihave said that I dont think she should be speaking to men on the net, her reply was that they are all Christians and that she gets them to pray for us. I don't want to say she can or cannot do certain things as it would just make her even more determined or that she would make sure that she contacted these people while I am out at work or something. I just need wisdom to know how to approach this with her so that its does not come out as YOU need to do this or that, but rather WE need to work our issues out.
Thanks once again for your reply, its encouraging to know that I am not going crazy.
Phil

[Liz]

Is there not an issue of trust here, which you do need to talk through if it's bothering you. There is an article on rebuilding trust (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/articles/trust/) on the site which might be worth you reading although it is mainly addressing the issue of when trust has been broken.

Your wife may well think she is safe because she is talking to Christians, but many pastors will tell you that there are real dangers in seeking help and comfort from someone of the opposite sex. It's easy to get drawn into emotional involvement and temptation. Perhaps your wife could take you along to meet these folks. That would help them to pray even more wisely for you both, since they would then have met you in person.

Can I also recommend a marriage enrichment programme (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/). Couples often go through periods of disillusionment in marriage. They have just lost their way a bit and would benefit from some quality time together with some encouraging input on marriage. For example, we've found Marriage Encounter (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/marenhres/meang/) very helpful in our own marriage, but there are lots of other programmes many of which respect your relationship’s privacy in a supportive environment. In the end what makes a marriage flourish is how the couple relate to each other, so the more quality time you can have doing just that the better.

Best wishes

Liz

[Unregistered]

Thanks Liz,
she got back from a Christian conference, God spoke to her re. the amount of time she spends on there, I had also written a letter explaining how I felt about the time she spent on there and about her meeting with some of the people. She now says that it is an event that I am also invited to, I still am not sure about meeting these people but am not too sure why. I also read your article on trust and found it very helpful. We managed to have a few chats, the first time we have spoken about us for a while. She has also agreed to go to see a marriage counsellor with me. Things are looking a lot better, although we need to do a lot of work yet.
Thanks for all your help.
Phil

[Unregistered]

Okay,
just when I thought we were getting somewhere, last night she dropped a bombshell on me, she has arranged to meet one of the men she has been speaking to on the chat site, I said that I didn't agree with it, and that she should speak to another Christian and get their opinion, at which point she exploded and said that she is being sensible and would not do anything sinful. We resolved some of it last night, but she is saying that she is more or less sure of divorce. I have booked to see counsellor but its not till mid September. The internet chat has gone down a lot, but she still gets text messages from guys. Any suggestions.
Phil

[Kate]

Dear Phil,

Sorry I've not been around much the last two weeks to post on the forum. I wonder how things are going with you. Don't you have someone in your local church who can talk to you both together? Your wife seems a bit mixed up about how the Lord would view her wanting a divorce and not trying to make her marriage work. I'm sure there are issues for you to resolve and ways you've each hurt each other, but if she takes her fatih seriously then surely she will be willing to seek the advice of your pastor and the support of your church.

Best wishes

Kate

[Unregistered]

Hi Kate, thanks for your reply, I have arranged for us to see a counsellor but this weekend she said that she didn't want to go and see them. This was after she agreed a few weeks ago that she would. We do have a pastor, I have spoken to him a few times but my wife does not want to see him, I have arranged to see a pastor of another church whom I know quite well and pray through some of the issues and hurts and try to get my hurts and problems sorted out. Anyway the meeting with this guy she met on the internet was cancelled as she had double booked, she has said that they will meet another time. She does not spend as much time as she used to on the net since I said that it hurt when she spent a lot of time on there, she now spends about 2-3 hours a day on there. I have also managed to speak with a couple of the guys she talks to and explained that they are
We had a talk at the weekend and my wife brought up the separation/divorce issue again, I asked her if she had spoken to anyone or prayed with anyone regarding this word that she felt she received from God that we should separate, she replied that I didn't trust that she could hear from God, she felt that He was saying that I should move out, I asked that if He wanted me to move out I felt that He would tell me too. I have really taken the trust thing to heart, it has been painful, but I have given it over to God, although there are times when it is hard, like this morning when I found a love song mpeg sent to her by someone, and a reply from her saying that it was a nice song. I don't know whether to ask her about this or just leave it? It is a bit of a confusing time, she wants us to hold hands, cuddle do thing together but not have sex, I have decided to give her time and space with this. I suppose I'll have to wait and see as only time will tell what happens. We have friends praying for us and our marriage, I do believe that God has it all in His hands, He will see us through.
Thanks once again for your advice and for listening.
God Bless
Phil

[Unregistered]

BIG thumbs down. If there is nothing wrong with what she is doing than she should have no problem in including you in her social groups. If there is nothing inapropriate to what she is saying to this man, than she would not have hidden her communications between the two of them from you. Do not believe what she is saying. I have lived this very thing. Put a stop to this as soon as possible. You need to download spy software so that you can trace back her steps, is this invasion of privacy? certianly not. This woman has cut you out of the picture, time for bringing out the sin she is committing and making her see if for herself. They become so wrapped up, and excited about new relationships, they lose real discernment about what is truly going on. Once you have all the software in place. Print all necessary documentation, for future use, and present it all to her in a nice loving way, ask her to please explain how this relationship is truly making her feel. Then try to duplicate at home what she longs for in him.

[Kate]

There probably are times when this course of action might help, but I think that spying is not going to be very helpful in this case. Some of it is out in the open and it's not easy to build trust if you're checking up on each other all the time. There are ways to confront too, but in the end conviction of wrong comes from the Holy Spirit not from any man made schemes. That's why Phil is praying about the situation and seeking support.

Kate

[Philthefish]

Thank you both for the advice, I am not too sure about spying on her though, I do not feel that it would be right to do that. I have found out in the past week that she has now set up a new email address, we had a chat the other night and I brought this up, she skirted round the subject, and said that I have an email address at work and I email people from here, which by the way is not true, I used to have a penpal but that stopped about a year ago. It troubles me a lot, but whenever I mention it she gets angry and brings something up from my past! I have prayed about this whole issue, and felt that God is saying to leave it in His hands, which isn't easy. A counsellor gave me a word saying that God would deal with her in His own time and in His own way. I would ask you all to pray for me, she still wants me to move out, unfortunately one of our kids has noticed that there is tension between us, and she too has noticed that my wife spends a lot of time on the net and has linked the two together. I am almost at my wits end, moving out now seems so good, I don't know how long I will be able to be strong in what I feel. So all I can ask is for you all to pray please.
Thanks

[Kate]

Just a short note to let you know that we have read your post and been praying for you.

All the best

Kate