Is this the place for me?

[Unregistered]

I am just new here and think that this is definitely where I need to be. I have been married to Mike for 6 yrs and known him for a total of 8. We have had our ups and downs since day 1.

Basically near the start of our married life I got suckered in by a guy who I met who stated he was suicidal. I started to spend a lot of time with him to help him...and Mike told me many times that this guy was just trying to get me and this was his way. I didn't believe Mike...I couldn't believe that this other guy was really like that...and so I got frustrated with Mike and started spending a lot more time with the other guy. We never had sex, never kissed, nothing like that...but looking back I can see over the 3 months that I thought I was helping this guy that I was emotionally cheating on Mike. I walked away from this third guy when it became obvious that his intentions were what Mike had said, not what I had believed, and also when Mike one day cried and begged me to come back/stay with him because he thought he had lost me forever.

It took awhile to get stronger again, but Mike never got over that 3month period. I had some surgeries on my cervix for cancerous growths and that really brought us together. Then I got pregnant soon after.

the pregnancy was a roller coaster ride which I think was partly hormones on my part. One of the biggies that happened around then was my loss of libido. I breastfed my son for a long time which kept my libido non-existant and so dh started doing the touching me and groping and stuff I despised which pushed me further away. I got pg again and had our second child.

Things got really bad a year ago when Mike's best friend moved here....they had been best friends in high school and are very close because both were badly physically abused by their fathers. From the time that his friend got here, dh spent every waking moment with him that he wasn't at work. For 6 weeks I saw my husband at bedtime and that was it. When I finally said HIM OR ME he chose me but I just found out that dh has been lying to me this whole time - saying he is working when he is out with his buddy. He says he does this so as not to have to face the fights that he thinks it would bring if he was honest and said he was going out with his buddy. I am NOT ok with the lying though...I am very hurt and very upset.

So last night we talked and he said he loves me but doesn't like me. He says that for the last few months he has noticed such a great change in me and he is scared to hold onto the glimmer of hope because he thinks things will get bad again. He says he does not know if he will ever have the desire to offer me what I want or need, that he feels like the whole 8 yrs I was never there for him and now he doesn't want to be there for me. I just listened but have to say that we DID have good times in the 8 yrs - yes I did so the bad thing of spending so much time with the idiot early on....dh has since done the same with his buddy. I did not give him sex as much as he wanted.....but I think he has no clue about what pg and breastfeeding do to a woman, though I have tried to explain many times.

I am so upset I am going to be seeing the dr about getting anti-depressants. I am out of ways to cope and I don't want to stop trying but he is talking seperation. The worst of this - there are 2 little chidlren involved. I feel like the worst mom for having children if this is how our relationship is going to be.

I don't know if I should have any hope....I don't know if I should keep trying...I just know I can't be the only one to change while he lives in a twisted reality of what has been going on. I can't understand why he can't let some of the past be the past, for example - I have apologized to the ends of the earth about the time I spent with this other guy....but he brings it up almost daily still.

Gosh any advice would be good...I am so tired.
Lori

[Liz]

Dear Lori,

Are you very tired? Sounds to me as if you do need a trip to the doctor. You don't say how old the children are, but after serious illness, two babies breast fed for a long time and all the stress of that physically and emotionally you could well be run down and depressed. A good place to start is to sort out your health. My experiences of pregnancy and feeding were that they took lot out of me and that can affect you emotionally and your libido. There are also lots of adjustments from being two to three with a little person demanding attention and what parenthood really means.

Is there any chance of encouraging your husband to go for some counselling (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/counselling/) with you to try and sort out what the issues are? There's obviously been a lot of hurt accumulated over the years and not really dealt with. I know you have apologised but your husband's hurt may run very deep. Have you just said "I'm sorry" or have you actually asked him to forgive (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/relbasictopic/forgive/) you for specific things like hurting him. When we say "Will you forgive me" we hand over control to the other person and they are faced with a choice either to say yes or no. Just saying sorry doesn't actually engage the other person, you keep control and they don't feel empowered.

Have you asked him what he wants from you and your marriage. If he says you have changed, is there anything you can do to demonstrate positive change for him. Are there things you can do together? Can you also go along and meet up with his friend?

Has your libido come back? Or is it being affected by the tension between you? I know we women need to be in a good place emotionally to make love more than men do sometimes. Perhaps you also could try and understand where he's coming from physically. He may be more tactile than you hence the touchy feely bits you didn't like. Rejecting those advances may have hurt him a great deal. He may have been trying to show you affection and taken your response as rejecting him as a lover and a man.

Is your communication in need of a brush up? Is there anyone who can look after the children so you can get away together for a weekend? You could either just go away for a romantic break or try a marriage enrichment weekend (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/) with some constructive input and the opportunity to experience some of the closeness and love that you have in the past.

Don't give up, but don't try to sweep his concerns under the carpet either. I hope you can find some way to talk these things through and try and understand each other and find a way forward.

Best wishes

Liz