Is this the end?

[carolechance]

I have been married for 22 years and have 3 kids. my husband constantly says he loves me, but always continues behavior toward me that angers me and I have always been specific in telling him how I feel. Things such as: touching me where I do not want; not respecting me; not being compassionate to the kids; etc. In his mind, if we had more sex, our marriage would be great. That alone drives me away from sex. At this point, I don't think I would be upset if he left me. He also knows just how to push my anger buttons so that I look like the bad parent to the kids. He is unable to hold my hand or pat my back without always making it into a sexual gesture, every time!! He says I don't even try at our marriage. I guess he's right. No one can say I don't communicate, and he stills says he doesn't know what I want. I want him to respect my wishes and listen. I believe you can't keep trying to fix a problem the same way and expect different results. Is this marriage over?

[Dave]

Dear Carole,

You two sound to me like a classic couple with conflicting communication styles!

Your style is very "auditory" - you communicate with "words"; look at your posting and see how many of the verbs you use are to do with hearing or saying things.

His style is "Kinesthetic" - he's "touchy-feely" - to him touch (and possibly smell/taste) are very important.

Neither style is right or wrong - they're just different. The challenge is for both of you to understand and value the differences, and to start to communicate in each others language.

I'm sure you have been very specific in telling him how you feel - but have you done this in a way that means you take responsibility for your feelings, or do you "blame him". Your feelings are just the emotional symptoms that something in you has needs, or is reacting - it's you, not him or the words he says that makes the feelings.

I suggest you do two things. First I would get a copy of The five languages of love (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/books/fivelovelang/) and read it together. Although the model is slightly different from the language I have used above I'm sure you will get the idea. I'd also think about doing our Personality Profiler (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/pp/personprofile1.html) to better understand how you are different as people.

As for your marriage being over - you made some promises when you married "for better or for worse" - you don't sound to me like a person who takes the words of a promise lightly.....