What makes someone tell stories?

[kiwi47]

Greetings everyone,
I am new here and truly need some feedback regarding my husband. We have been together for 15 years, and during that time he has told some lies but has not admitted doing that.

I"m wondering now if he is a storyteller or simply believes his lies. One of the lies took place before we got married. My 16 year old daughter (at the time) had called me and wanted to come home after an overdose of some pills. When I mentioned this to him he said she was not allowed in our home because of something so awful that she had said to someone else regarding him and he refused to share that with me because he said it would be too upsetting.

Then about 6 months ago we got a package in the mail. I have been ill for several years and assumed it was for me after shaking the package, (I could tell it was vitamins or something of the sort.) I was surprised to see a bottle of viagra!! It came from Boise, Idaho, and I thought that peculiar since we don't know anyone there. And also I thought viagra was something you needed a prescription for. If that were true he would have had to go to a doctor here.

He is 64 and suffered a heart attack in 1995, so I'm not sure if a doctor would reccommend it at all!! But my husband said it had to be a prank.

Im not sure if he was in Viet Nam because he said his records got burned in a fire. And I did some research and there was a fire. But my son-inlaw say he called the main office to see if he was in the Viet Nam war. They said no. Who do I believe?

Should I just forgive and forget and go back to him?

Could he be a pathological liar or just a storyteller? Help me decide. He's still a good person with a good heart and loves me a lot. I love him too but have left him 4 time in 3 years. The last time was because he threw my poodle off the bed because she had an accident and then he wiped her nose in it. I think that's a bit cruel,.....he says it's the way they treat animals on the farm.

I'm as much to blame because I have never called him on his behavior or lies. Now they just sit in the bottom of my stomach.

I have had Fibromyalgia for 8 years and am considering applying for ssi benefits unless I decide to go back to him.

So "GIVE IT TO ME STRAIGHT!!" ok??

love and thanks,
kiwi47

[Liz]

At present most of the inconsistencies in what your husband says are relatively harmless, but they obviously offer and issue of trust to you. You night think about how you see trust and what you want from your husband so you can trust him. There is an article on Rebuilding Trust (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/relbasictopic/trust/) on the site.

Are the lies the cause of you leaving him or are there other issues like communication, different values (eg your different views on animal care)? Do I understand from what you've written that you have already left him again? Is it possible that his behaviour is made worse by the insecurity that comes from you leaving him every so often.

It sounds as if you might consider doing something to strengthen your marriage to try and sort out your difficulties, rather than just going back and hoping for the best. You could consider counselling (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/counselling/) if you think there are serious problems or you could consider some marriage enrichment (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/) if it's just a matter of needing to strengthen your communication and find a fresh vision for your marriage.

Best wishes

Liz

[kiwi47]

Dear Liz,
Your post opened my eyes to things I hadn't thought about, but will now. I know my husband loves me and I would like to be with him because I love him too. He is not the father of my children and that seems to cause problems. I don't think he likes my kids. He has said that if my son shows up that he will leave until he is gone. He has also said some pretty awful things about my family. And my family is soooo important to me. I want us all to get along but I don't see that ever happening. He doesn't seem to be a forgiving person.

Yes, this is the 4th time I have left him and I'm sure that makes him insecure. But my kids don't feel loved or even cared for by him. Isn't that also important in a marriage? He blames them for our marriage falling apart and that simply isn't true! And he doesn't apologize for his lies. He defends them. Now what do I do?

Sincerely,
Marla



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[Liz]

I'm glad that what I wrote gave you food for thought. Have you had a look at the article on trust? How do you see trust and what would you like your husband to do to build that trust?What could you do?

If your husband thinks your family are causing the marriage problems can you try to talk to him calmly and ask him what it is that is upsetting him about them. Ask him what would help to put that right. Try not to react to what he says or defend your family, but listen to what he says first. Then you could try to explain how your family is important to you and how you feel torn between him and them. Surely he is aware how important children are to their parents - does he have any of his own?

However you also need to be honest about any mistakes you have made. How do you resolve conflict? Is it easier to walk out and leave him for a while than to try to uderstand what is going on and work through the conflict (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/fightwork/)? Do you have difficulties in your basic communication (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/)?

If you are separated for him at present, then it would probably be wise to try and get some counselling together so that when you get back together you have moved on a little way rather than going back to where you started from.

Best wishes

Liz