What can I do to save this marriage

[Unregistered]

My wife and I are currently having huge problems, this started about 6 weeks ago when I accused her of having an affair, this turned out to be untrue and since then after many time of talking about our relationship she advised that she had not been happy for years and that she loved me but was not in love with me.

After 3 weeks we continued to discuss the relationship and ending up going round and round in circles with regard to how we proceed the subject of trial seperation, divorce came up and indeed I feel I may have pushed her too far with the dreaded D word.

On her request and because of the atmosphere within the home she decided to take 2 days out and went away leaving me to take care of our 5 year old, she came back more positive than she went away and perhaps had made her mind up towards our future together.

I at the same time contacted a marriage counsellor and we both went for our first session last monday, this helped somewhat in that I believe it gave me the opportunity to see things from a different perspective.

My questions to you are How do I save this marriage, get her to feel there is a future together for us without at the same time going over board in trying to win back her affections.

I work from home so currently she is complaining that I am in her face 24/7 and that she has zero space which is clearly bing seen because of the anxious atmosphere we are currently in.

We have signed up for another 3 sessions with the cousellor but at the same time I believe that I am the one who is making the effort to make things right and that she is not prepared to make any effort in trying to save our 11 year marriage.


What do I do? HELP

[Liz]

Well done for going to get some help, but try to be patient. Having counselling is a painful thing and there will be times when you find yourself reacting to what is happening. That is a good time to ask yourself what is going on inside you and what you can do to change that. Is your wife really not pulling her weight or are there things in you that are being stirred by what is happening? This is not about changing your wife and convincing her to stay, it's about discovering what you need to change for the sake of your marriage. A successful marriage is not about finding the right partner as much as about being the best partner you can be. If that means giving 100 with very little in return then you've discovered the secret of marriage. It is about unconditional love and commitment that is costly, but which yields great rewards.


Have you actually asked her forgiveness (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/forgive/) for accusing her of having an affair. I don't just mean saying you are sorry, but asking her to forgive you. There is a powerful difference. When you say sorry you still hold onto control, but when you ask for forgiveness you are handing over control to the other person. None of us find it easy to hand over that control, but it does make a difference.

There are a number of ways of creating space between you. You could find somewhere else to work from, but that may not be feasible. Can you rearrange things at home so that you are out of the way while you are working and perhaps agree to meet together for lunch but otherwise do your own thing? Perhaps your wife can find things outside the home to do with your child so she has other social contacts.

Finally, when you have finished your counselling and cleared the air somewhat, can I suggest that you consider a marriage enrichment programme (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/) to give your marriage a fresh start and boost. Don't do it until the counselling is over. Most marriages go through a period of disappointment and disillusionment especially when the children arrive and this is a good time to take some time just for the two of you, rediscovering the specialness of your love and what you can do to maintain the excitement and fun in your relationship.

Best wishes

Liz

[Unregistered]

Thankyou for your sensible advice. I am hoping that with learning and patience that things will improve.

Tonight is session 2 with the Counsellor . I have differing feelings about what will happen but I am determined that I have to make the required changes in order to win back my wife.

I will keep you informed, Once again thanks for listening.

Regards


Mick

[Unregistered]

Well after tonights session it became a little clearer on what the situation from my wifes perspective is , which has now put me into a pirralling set of emotions.

She clearly wants to seperate and does not want me to live with her. she believes it's in the best interest for the family to live apart, remembering we have a 5 year old son who is due to start school in 3 weeks or so where as I want to sit down work a plan and put the effort into making this marriage work . I except I need to make changes and I want to make those changes to make this right. I asked for her forgiveness as suggested and at the same time asked her to let me prove that I am worthy of her, although she didn't react to these statements finally she still adopted the attitude that we would be better apart.

I have also organised an office away from the marital home to hopefully give her some of the space she is requiring.

It appears where I am sitting that no matter what I offer to do to make this right is going on deafened ears and that eventually I will have no choice to seperate which is something I dearly do not want to do.

The session with counsellor in my opinion is not working with my wife only stressing the negatives of what we have , and as I previously stated I believe that my wife is using this as a form of confirmation that this marriage is not worth saving.

She is also saying to me that to salvage anything of this relationship then we must seperate for the sake of our son, my opinion also differs in saying that we/I Must make the efforts to salvage this marriage together in order to give him the stability for the future . we both love him dearly and adore him.

As you can see I am at a crisis with what to do and what to do next when my wife will not compromise (it appears) in trying to solve this awful situation we are in

Your advice , thoughts are really appreciated


Mick

[Liz]

Dear Mick,

You are obviously very disappointed by how things are going. It is going to be a hard road with no quick fixes by the sound of things.

I think I would share your concern for the effect on your son of you moving out for anything other than a short period. As you say he will flourish best with the stability of a father and mother who love each other and love him.

I wouldn't be rushed into any decision if possible. Give your counselling time to work in you both. You've already done quite a lot to take some of the tension out of things, like moving your office out, so perhaps you need to just remain steady. Are you the sort of person who likes to close jobs out or are you willing to allow things to be open-ended? Sometimes it's best not to "do" anything and to accept that some of your life is not under your control. Have you sat down and faced your emotions? Perhaps you could write them down and then accept that it is ok to feel like that. It may not feel comfortable, but the strong spiral of emotions is quite normal in your situation. Don't let the drive to make yourself "feel better" or solve the problem be your master. Take time with your counselling to think things through.

All the best

Liz

[Unregistered]

MICK,

I FEEL FOR YOU. I AM IN THE SAME BOAT AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.I WILL PRAY FOR YOU AND HOPE EVREYTHING WORKS OUT. I THINK YOU SHOULD STAY TOGETHER NOT ONLY FOR YOU CHILD BUT BECAUSE YOU STILL LOVE EACH OTHER

JOHN

[Unregistered]

Update

After 3-4 weeks of not bringing the subject up, disaster struck and again we went through the motions of discussing our problems. It is clear as day she is not willing to work on our relationship and wants to seperate. She has already booked an appointment for September 3rd with a Lawyer to find out what the legal aspects are of seperating , I am doing the same today.

I really do not want to seperate but it appears that I have no choice in the matter. I wish this nightmare would go away with everything I love in the world crumbling around me.


Anyone got any ideas how I can stop this mess from happening

[Unregistered]

We both visited lawyers to seek where we both stand legally with seperation , the strange thing is now she is not bringing the subject up, I can see that she is not happy and have hopes in my heart that she will re-consider the thought of seperating the family,

What is the best thing for me to do, I have made some of the changes required from her but still do not know how to break the ice further, or is it she is binding her time ready for the final day when she says OK we are seperated.

Any thoughts!!!

[Unregistered]

My wife has asked me to give her one reason to continue, without refering to our 5 year old,here are my reasons. does anyone have other thoughts on why we should continue

Please advise

REASONS TO CONTINUE



„h Because I love you with all my heart
„h Because we have come through so much pain together
„h Because you married me for better or worse
„h Because we are a unit together
„h Because we have responsibilities
„h Because I know we can make it work
„h Because you are my rock
„h Because we have built a family home
„h Because when we are good we are good
„h Because we do not want to be a failure
„h Because we care about each other (no matter how little at this point)
„h Because as a team we can beat anything
„h Because I have realised some of my mistakes and need to correct them
„h Because we both made mistakes and did not make the other realise what was happening
„h Because we do not want to destroy each others lives
„h Because we can beat the situation, we have found ourselves in
„h Because I need a chance to make you happy again
„h Because we both want to bring Joe back to the family location
„h Because do we really want to start over again
„h Because even though all you can see is the negatives , we have had some happy times and can build on those again by understanding both our needs
„h Because we can build a plan that takes both our needs and wants and make this marriage stronger than ever before
„h Because we do both respect each other
„h Because HOW many times have we really argued or fought in our married lives (honestly)
„h Because I have failed to understand what your real requirements from me are, because you have not told me
„h Because I need to understand your needs
„h Because we are best friends
„h Because this is not about who is going to win it is about our lives
„h Because this is the biggest decision that will affect our family life
„h Because why destroy the love we have for each other
„h Because we both agreed to take care of your mother in her old age
„h Because we jointly agreed to re-locate ourselves to Scotland
„h Because I am asking for your forgiveness and I believe you have it in your heart to forgive me and move forward
„h Because we both have the ability to forgive, forget and move on




BUT MOST OF ALL BECAUSE WE HAVE A SON GUY WHO NEEDS US BOTH TOGETHER

[Unregistered]

Does your wife know how you feel?? Sometimes men forget to say these things on a daily basis and women need to hear that they are appreciated.
You need to sit her down and let her talk to you. We tend to take as much as we can handle and when nothing has changed after repeatedly letting you know. We simple lose what love we have for our husbands.....
Be careful what you say, as you can never take it back. Find out everything that is bothering her and by all means LISTEN, without giving advice on how to fix it.

[Unregistered]

I truel appreciate your response, I have tried to sit my wife down on several occasions to find out what is bothering her and she always retorts with , I have been married to you for 11 years and I fell out of love with you many years ago and now it is too late, "you neglected my (from an emotional perspective) and now you have realised and I do not want to respond". The discussion always ends with I want a seperation but she is failing to do anything about it, all I want to do is to make the neccessary changes required from both of us and move forward, it looks though I am at this stage the only one in the relationship that really does want to make these changes and as we both know that will not work. My biggest fear is the fact I will lose my boy

[Dave]

Can I suggest two practical things you might do in this situation:-

The first is a resource - get hold of a copy of Michelle Weiner Davies book Divorce Remedy (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/books/divorceremedy/), read it, and put it into practice. It offers a seven step programme aimed specifically at people in your situation where one party only seems willing to work on the marriage.

Secondly I'd have a really long hard think about your relationship, and what you are trying to achieve. What I "hear" trough your words is that you are fixed on "saving my marriage" rather than on "being the very best husband I can be to my fantastic wife". There is a world of difference. I also sense that there is something of a "parent-child" relationship with your wife - you speak of "Sitting her down" and are searching for a host of answers to her question. Did you marry young? Is your wife much younger than you?? Is this actually a cry from your wife to be allowed to be an adult alongside you, not a child? Before you reach for your keyboard to type a response to these thoughts, see if you can find a trusted friend who knows you both who can help you really examine your attitudes and beliefs in this area.

Hope this helps

Dave

[Unregistered]

Dave


Thanks for your response, I have obtained a copy of Michelle Werners book and indeed I agree with you that it is excellent in it's contents. I have tried to put some of the practices that she describes into action, with at this stage no avail.

With regard to your second comment about the Parent/child relationship with my wife, that is definately not our situation.
My wife is a very independant lady , always has and I guess always will be. When I used the words sitting her down that was meant as WE can sort this problem out by understanding eachothers shortcomings etc and make the required steps to improve upon them.

Finally last night. we discussed the situation where I pleaded with my wife for US to sort out the issues and move on with our lives, the final result from this is that we are now in the process of sorting the seperation details , finance etc . She is going to move out with our son for a 6 month trial period where we will then re-evaluate the situation. Obviously I am devastated with this decision but have little or no choice to it happening. My immediate plans are to work out how I can recourt my wife over this period to bring the family back together, obviously I am scared that this may not happen and indeed I am seeking help, advise etc on how I attempt to achieve this.

Do you believe Michelles book covers areas of achieving this even though we are seperated or is their other materials that will help in my challenge

Any help, guidance or even just plain old brutal truth is very appreciated.


Regards

[Kate]

Hi, Dave says he's sorry he hasn't got back to you. As a woman I would say that the thing your wife needs most to know is that she is loved and valued whether she comes back or not, so perhaps focus on cherishing her without the agenda always being on coming home. That won't necessarily be easy, but if you push the courting too fast she may become resitant. So you know what she would really wish for in you as a husband? Do you know what went wrong for her in your marriage? These insights may help you to know how to show her your love.

She will come back if and when she has some hope in the marriage flourishing. Giving her space may enable her to realise what she is missing and how much your child needs you both.

I'm sure Michelle's book is aimed at any stage before divorce is finalised. You might also like to look at the area of the site which deals with Disillusionment (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffdisill/). I think we'd all say, don't give up!

Kate

[Unregistered]

Thanks Kate

Your advice and litening has been invaluable to me. I agree that all I can hope for is that my wife while she is away realises that I do truely love her and will do anything to make the changes to make her happy. I am dreading the next period (6) months or so. and hope that I can find the neccessary steps to re-kindle our love. I will keep in touch with the group and advise when and where neccessary.

Everybody, please keep your fingers crossed for me as I really want my wife and boy back

Take care all of you

[Unregistered]

Its our 11th anniverssary today. I got her flowers , she said I should not have.

Guess another mistake by me

[Kate]

I'm sure that upset you. You wanted some sign that she was touched by what you'd done. She may well have said you shouldn't have, but that doesn't mean you were wrong or unwise to do it. Perhaps it says something about her and how she's findng it difficult to handle when you do something like that. It's a fine balance to walk between just doing what she wants out of fear of upsetting her and doing what you think is best in the long term, even though you may feel a bit insecure and anxious along the way. When we give, we give what we think will bless the one we love, but we can't guarantee their response.

Keep checking your motives and don't push her, but don't give up and fall into regret whenever she seems to reject what you've done. It's ever so hard, take heart and don't give up.

Kate

[Unregistered]

well the dates in November 1st she moves out with my boy.

devastated

[Kate]

My heart goes out to you. This is not what you want, but it looks as if it is something you are going to have to go through.

There aren't really any words that are adequate to the situation, so I have prayed - that you will have the insight, wisdom, and courage to face the weeks ahead, and that your love will become more and more visible for your wife to see.

Kate

[Unregistered]

I have 2 weeks to go and it seems there is nothing I can do to stop this. I guess I can only see what time brings

[Unregistered]

This thread has made me so upset - it also shows me that I'm not alone in my plight. I am 32, and have been married for 7 years now to a beautiful, caring and sensitive wife. And together, we have a lovely little 2 year old son.

The problems started a while back - we moved from Australia to the UK in 1999, so that I could further my career. I'm sure my wife resented me for that, moving away from her close-knit family - we knew, however, that it was only a temporary thing. We had the intention to come over to make some money, then head back to buy a house. In the end, we had our little guy here, and bought our own place last year. Money was tight, but we made ends meet. I kept my head down and did lots of overtime to cover any shortfalls - thinking that whatever happened, we had each other, and that bond would be strong enough. I was wrong...

She kept telling me that we had nothing in common anymore - that we wanted different things. It fell on deaf ears - I refused to accept it, thinking that we'd get through this rough patch like it was some sort of "phase". Then, a bombshell hit last month - she told me that she didn't love me anymore.

I was devastated. All this time, I'd been focusing my attention on trivial details, when in reality, my marriage was falling apart around me. It had been a rough month for her - her grandmother passed away back in Sydney, and she returned for the funeral. During that time, she had family stress with her parents and siblings - she'd found herself in their problems as soon as she touched down. Not only that, she was just coming to the end of a 3 year dental procedure (which cost a fortune), and was soon to have her braces removed. And to top it all off, she was in the middle of her Psychology degree back here - with exams looming.

Now this. Confronting her, I found a genuinely confused woman, not knowing what she wanted out of life, but finding herself without any feeling for me at all any more. Personally, I don't blame her at all. Looking back at what I was, I never really sat down to just listen to what she had to say. I got angry at silly things, being put through so much stress at work, being the sole income earner. We never went out to dinner, or to the movies, usually because I was too tired from the overtime, or thru lack of money.

These last 6 weeks have been the most emotional of my life. I haven't been able to talk to anyone about this - I've trusted no-one with my secret, which is killing me. My wife, on the other hand, has a good bunch of loyal friends, who I know have been told about our dilemma. The problem is, that these friends are either seperated or divorced, and have very independent lifestyles, a style to which may appeal to my wife. I know her friends wouldn't give her any advice other than to do what would make her happy.

I like to think that I've changed for the better since the shock. There's nothing like a wake-up call like this to show you what you've got, and what you can lose - if you don't heed the warning signs. I've turned myself around - I don't drink caffeine or soft drinks anymore, which has really cleared my head a lot (it really DOES make a difference - try it out); I never yell or get worked up over anything anymore, at work, or at home - I think through things rationally now; I'm NEVER afraid to admit that I'm wrong; and, I ALWAYS have time for my wife and son.

My life has clarity - a purpose. The most important thing in my life is my family. That's one thing I forgot, and I regret that mistake I made every single day. That will never, ever happen again. After her exams, we're making a special effort to see a counsellor about how we can improve our relationship. Hopefully, and with a little time, she can perhaps see the person in me that she fell in love with all those years ago. I hope so.


I love my wife more than I can explain. She is my life. She is my best friend.


Good luck to you all.

Iwik.

[Unregistered]

Well November the 1st came and went , a change of plan, instead of my wife moving out with my son I decided to move which will occur this sunday. My wife again this week confirmed that this is a seperation not a divorce but I tend to believe that it will lead to one. She has been placed on anti depressants because of the situation, although we are talking it appears that all she wants is for me to be gone. She has agreed to reasonable access rights to my son and all that I can do now is HOPE that wothput me around she will see that our marriage is worth saving

Any help or recommendations with trying to win her back is gratefully received


I will not give up hope it's all I have

[Kate]

Hello again,

It seems continuing patience is going to be the best plan for the moment. I hope that visitign with your son is going ok.

Regards

Kate

[Unregistered]

Wells it s been a hard week seperated, I hate it, but I have chosen a strategy to be there but from afar.

No frequent phone calls except to my son at 7pm daily

Had two visitation meets with him and he appears to be handling situation (wish I was)

Small talk only with wife, no in-depth conversations about anything other than what she brings up.

No un-invited visits or turning up unexpectadly.

I am trying so hard to give her the space she initially requested, but feel at some point in the next week or so, I must iniate some sort of meeting. occassions, invitation to show her that I am still very interested in our marriage being solved.

Anyone got any ideas how to make this happen etc


I know it may seem that I am doing stranges things here but I want this marriage to work and not become a divorce statistic


Any views are welcomed

[WishingWell]

I don't have any answers, however, I do respect the effort you are making in trying to keep your family together.

Persevere and don't give up hope. At least you still want your family, which is more than can be said for my future ex-husband - he could learn a lot from you.

Be careful not to come across as scheming, as that will not go down well at all.

Good luck and best wishes.

WishingWell

[Unregistered]

I had my boy for the weekend, we did fun stuff like play and eatout for lunch, It was so hard taking him home. My wife clearly missed him too and was polite but thats about all with me.

I am trying to give her this space she requires but deep down inside of me this is so painful.


Trying to analyse where she is with regard to us is so difficult, she appears to have detached herself from the situation and carries on as if life is fine.

I guess that time will tell


I have hope but this tunnel look awfully black

[lorrainekay]

Hi there,

I really feel your pain. I suppose a way to get a response from your wife would be to let her know how much you care about her and what she means to you. But in a gentle way, not to frighten her.

Try little things. A small card with a sincere subscription. Watch the response. There are lots of cards that really reach the heart. Take it from there !! Remember, little things.

Best of Luck
a friend

[Unregistered]

Update

I feel lousy. Hoever W had agreed to have lunch with me on saturday after our sons xmas fayre (maybe a baby step) not quite sure, in addition WE are going xmas shopiing tommorow evening. I hate the quiet, I hate not hearing her voice.

I really wonder how long this will last before she announces she is much happier without me. I hope that never comes.

Patience is a virtue but boy does it suck

[Unregistered]

Things ae not any better , she did say last night though, that she is begining to miss her son when he is with me.. I replied well thats what seperations do to families...

I am coming to the conclusion she has made her mind up and is trying to let me down slowly (painful torture) or after the xmas break...

I wish this was not happening to me or anyone..... be strong people, easy words, hard to practice......

[Unregistered]

Update

Went for dinner with W, I picked her up at 8pm, she had made an effort and looked great, new clothes, new makeup etc.


Following Dinner we went for a drink, small chat continued. she then said at about 10:15pm that she was feeling bloated, so I offered to take her home.walking across to the car she asked me if I wanted to go somewhere else, I said Up to YOU. . We eventually ended up in 2 places she frequents with her GF's during the evening she told me that everytime she comes here that she gets chatted up, but always goes home alone (was this a test to see how I reacted etc, dunno know) At the 2nd place we bumped into to a neutral friend of ours who promplty sat us down and told us both that we were acting like adolescents and that the most important person in this relationship was our 5yr old boy and we should sort it out and get back together. I do not know if this helped or not, but I did tell him that It was the last thing in the world I wanted was to be apart from my W or S.

I took the W home and she asked me in for Coffee (Great being asked into your own house) During our coffee, W explained that she was feeling better since she was prescribed Anti-Depressants and explained to me that during the trauma of the last 11 years

BF Got Killed
Got married to me
Had a etopic pregancy
Had our Son Joe who died after 3 days
Had our son
Marriage falling to pieces
She felt she could not cope and that this should tell me something (I think she meant she was also hurting, not sure)

I told her I loved her (I know before you say it
) and she replied saying "Do you or is it just Habit" I said that it was no way habit and that her and our son meant the world to me. She then replied "Give me more time (few months) to make my decision". Around 1:45am She said to in a joking way "Hate to kick you out" but I am getting tired. I promptly left ..driving home I recieved a text message saying "Thanks for a nice evening, hope you enjoyed it too"

So here I am sitting, wondering, searching. I felt that I had recieved a bunch of mixed messages. Which are
1. Likes being chatted up and telling me so
2. Still not sure if I have a chance.
3. Is possibly considering we have a future
4. That she is trying to let me down gently

I don't know, so confused and unhappy that life still sucks!!!!!

If anyone has any views,,Please give them to me....for others that read this thread Merry Xmas and hopefully a re-united New Year.... It is hard and hopefully we all will recover... Take care all of you

[Dreamer]

Just to be brief, my husband has just left me, a couple of weeks (October 13th) after I lost or pregnancy at 3 months. My husband decides that he wants to seperate and wants me and my daughter to move out by or before our anniversary Dec 1(one year-been togeter for 5). I was devistated, but managed to talk him into staying threw the holidays. It was very difficult, I continued to walk on egg shells.

My husband just moved out over the weekend, and we had a conversation or agruement yesterday. His last statement was, I dont have to listen to your problem, drama, feeling, pain or anger anymore. Save that for a counselor & I have not heard from him since. When just Monday (gone since Thursday) he said he loved me and that everything would be ok, that I just needed to believe. That I would be ok. He hasnt asked for a divorce, yet! I think he is waiting till I fall out of love with him or something, not sure. I mean the hole time he stayed-threw xmas and new years, we made love, held hands, cuddled, gave me hugs when I would start to cry. If he didnt love me, then why would he do all that. Or was it just that he had is cake and eating it too, kinda thing.

Anyhow, I think you are doing good under the circumstances. The statement about chatting up or flirting with her, some women do that to make the other party jealous-just play it cool. I also must say, by you leaving proptly and not trying to stay, that made a big impression (good) thats why you got the message on your way home. She was sitting by herself and thinking of you. Just dont pressure her, let her come to you, give her suttle hints that you care and want your family back.

Good luck, wish I had the chance you have.

Dreamer

[Unregistered]

think it's all over...she has indicated that the divorce will begin next week...devastated!!!!!!

[Kate]

Dear Mick,

So your wife has finally decided to take that course. I don't know what else you could have done. Your wife has made up her own mind and there's nothing left that you can do at this stage. I'm sure you are devastated.

Now you have to look for ways to ensure that you get regular time with your son, presumably you'ld like joint custody or some arrangement that would enable you to have as much time as possible with him.

There is a section of our site which you might find helpful here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/whenover/). What I think is really hard is to know when to give up hope and begin to face the pain of it all. I hope and pray that you will find the strength to face whatever lies ahead.

All the best from us all

Kate

[susie_wou]

I write this from a womans perspective and being in the same situation (with a 25 year marriage). Your wife does not want to be "your wife". She wants to be a woman who is told she is beautiful, sexy, georgous and turns you on. She is bored and needs to feel she is the centre of your universe. Give her her space, but keep reiterating how beautiful and sexy she is. Arrange suprise trips out, not necessarily expensive but take the time to SHOW her how you feel. Make her feel special and attractive. Don't harp on about the home and responsibility. Perfume, flowers, underwear, erotic treats will help. She needs to feel an individual and wants someone to take the stress off her.

Of course each situation is different but speaking as a 44 years (with a mentalilty of a 20 year old), I am not alone in my approach to life and marriage. It comes with the age, so i'm told.

This may or may not help but what do you have to lose?