it was a bad dream!!!!!!

[Unregistered]

Hello, now about the affair my husband had with a co-worker. He tells me when were talking about it that it was just a bad dream,as if it really didnt happen but reality is it did happen. so i'm wondering why men think you can just sweep it under the rug and go on with life. and when he tells me he was all screwed up that he cant imagine what he seen in this person etc. well my feelings are at the time he had to see something in her that attracted him to her.i dont believe theres nothing about her he does'nt like...and if your trying to save your marriage why do they bother to tell you that the sex was no good and that shes nothing compaired to you in that dept. is there a real differance in women as to how they feel inside?i want to believe my man but am i being gullible or what?

[DreamScape]

I'm just giving you reality, it's a freak'n nitemare...... I thought I would never get pass the pain as it was. Dont get me wrong it still hurts deep in the gut, but not as bad as it did in the beginning.Its been 5 months since H told me about A.So its still like new to me. But we both chose to save our marriage of almost 27yrs. Yes thats a long time,we were just babies when we got married.But we were soooo much in LOVE. Ithink thats why we made it this far.I have to give credit where credit is due.Our father GOD is why wer'e making it work today,without him theres no way I dont think we would make it even the tremendous amout of LOVE we have it would still be hard... I still wuold like to know this answer, why do men think we can put it under the rug and get on with life so easily? Do they really not know the depth of damage that is done by being unfaithful ? please I would like your opinons.I'm trying really hard to keep my head up,but as the rest of you i have those hard days also. I know my husband and i will make it. He does show me he loves and cares about me more than ever.I would like your thoughts please. its not a dream.......

[Kate]

There is a good article about Common Patterns in Dealing with Affairs (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/patternaffair.html) written by Peggy Vaughan who has a lot of insights into infidelity. I suspect people do know they've hurt their spouse but aren't prepared to face the pain and responsibility of it. I'm not sure this unwillingness to face up to it is solely a male reaction.

Like when we're hurting we just want it to go away and as you are both finding - it doesn't go away very quickly. Forgiving (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/relbasictopic/forgive/) our other half when they do this to us isn't easy. It's so hard to make sense of it. I think we've all been drawn into doing stupid things at some time in our lives and then looked back and wondered why on earth it seemed such a good idea at the time.

There's a fine line between being gullible and taking the risk of trusting (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/relbasictopic/trust/) isn't there, but if we don't take that risk it's hard to move on in our relationship