Husbands unsure of our future

[Dreamer]

My husband and I have been together for almost 5 years, but just recently got married. We have in my opinion come a long ways, and have had a lot of battles to overcome. He decide about a month ago, or at least thats when he told me. He wanted out of your marriage and if he could afford it he would leave. At that time he said he wasnt in love with me, he's looking at other women and is attracted to them, plus he is not sure he wants to settle down. He thing that Im not the right women for him.

In the past month, I have made a every effort to try to work on a few of my issues that he claims he doesnt want to live with. I have been reading a lot of self esteem books, and going to codependancey meetings and just really trying to become a better me.

Things between us have been really nice, very loving and he has even been a little more attentive to me when we go out, not leaving me by myself while he roams the club. We have had a few disagreements, but they have been small. I thought thing might be coming around.

So last week I asked him to give me an answer on Sunday-yesterday. The question was, could he commit to me and our marriage for 1 year. In one year if he still had the same feelings then we would go our seperate ways. If he couldnt commit then I would leave now.

Well his response was, an asumable no. He claims, he still has very strong desires for other women and feels that it would not be far to me to stick around only to have an affair on me. He also thinks its not far to stay in the marriage because he is not inlove with me. He says, he loves me but isnt inlove with me and hasnt for some time. Also, there trust issues, he feels its unfair to me that I cant trust him, because he has these desires for other women. There is also a lot of or lack of respect he says he has for me do to our past together and how I have broken that trust(a lot has to do with my insecurities and low self esteem). He also feels that he may not be the husband kind, because sometimes he like to do the family thing but other times he wants to be able to come and go as he pleases with not having to answere to someone. He has stuck around this long because neither one of us has the money to move out. Which in tern he claims that us staying together out of convenience is wronge, that a marriage cant have a foundation like that, that the only foundation we have built is one on sex-which is still to this day fanaminal-we both agree to that. The bottom line is he cannot commit to our marriage to my daughter (9), he feels it just wouldnt work out and its not far to either of us to stay together. He feels its unfair to me that I am putting 110% and he can only contribute 40%. He says I deserve better.

I must say, I was prepared but not completly. I truely though because he was being different more loving, even in the past few week, got an I love you. I just thought everything was going to work out, but his mind has not changed, if he had the money he would go. He claims he doesnt want a divorce just wants to seperate for a while, put some space between us-which my mind is telling me-so he can date other women and not have to be responsible for someone else.

I am in love with my husband and I am having a very hard time giving up on him, our marriage, let alone walking away. We have done this "lets seperate, I think its best for us(per my husband)" twice before, so I now that this time I must not let him walk back into my life, just to have him leave again. Whats even more difficult is I know that if I leave he will be back. I truely believe we belong together, we have walked threw so much hurt and pain that we both have caused eachother, to let it all go away after we have worked so hard to get were we are now.

I have it another wall so it seems, I want to save my marriage and my husband from doing something both of us will regret. Please does anyone out there have any advice or ideas. He refused counseling, because he doesnt believe in it, "if we cant solve our own problems, we shouldnt be together". I however disagree with his statement I think it is a good idea to go to marriage counseling, this way we can stop the head bumping and learn, grow together not apart.

Any advice or ideas would be greatful.

Desperaly trying to save my marriage.

[Kate]

Hi Dreamer,

I wonder if your husband got in a car without having driving lessons or expects to sort it out when it breaks down without going to an expert mechanic. What qualifications or experience does he think each of you has to solve your problems. Perhaps a little determination on his part to commit to your marriage might help as well. Just a few thoughts on how you could present the idea of getting some help or support.

People get married for lots of different reasons and it might be helpful to share with each other what you expected of marriage especially after being together for a while. Did he expect to "feel good" all the way or did he expect to have to make the effort to sort things out when they inevitably got tough. Love is a decision and a commitment as much as a feeling isn't it. If you're not the right woman for him, then why did he marry you in the first place and is he really so naive as to thing the grass is really greener on the other side. I'm afraid it sounds as if he really isn't willing to act responsibly and has all the excuses in the book for not actually growing up and putting some sort of commitment into a relationship. You might like to look at some articles about commitment (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/healthcommit/)

If counselling is out for him, then why not try some enrichment programme (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/), which doesn't start from what problems you've got, but what good things you've got that you can build on. Or you might try FOCCUS (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/marenhnonres/foccus/) or Enrich (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/marenhnonres/prepinc/) which is not so much about counselling as about doing an inventory to identify your strengths and challenges and then having someone alongside you to talk through how you want to build on things.

I hope you can find some way to bring his heart back to you and your marriage.

Best wishes

Kate

[Dreamer]

I shared this with my husband, but before I did I read my post again. He is right, my view is one sided. I have not been fare as to the reasons why he wants to leave.

When he met me I weighed 150, 5'8". I went to the gym 4 days a week, smoked cigs, and had lots of activities and friends.

Then he moved to Hollywood to be a stunt man, where I followed with my daughter. During the three years down there, I gained 30 pounds, became extremly depressed, suicidal (which only went as far as self cutting), drank myself into stuppers continuously(leaving him at bars, and doing other very obusive things), continuously lied about smoking, became very insecure and had low self esteem.

When we moved up here, we were suppose to get married, but my behaviors and everything that I was doing in Hollywood continued in our new place(which we moved back to where we first met). My drinking got extremly worse and cause lots of pain for both of us. So I was asked to move out.

When I did, I started to make friends, and get my self esteem back. I never gave up on my husband and eventually we got back together then we got married. After the marriage, things still did not change for me or him. We partied every weekend, and the nightmares, and abuse just continued. I did quiet smoking and have been since January. About 2-3 months ago, my husband says he wants to seperate, that he has nothing left to give and is tried of this type of relationship. Well so was I, this was not the marriage I wanted or husband either. I was tired of feeling the way I was feeling, continuously feeling like wanting to dye, not feeling like I was wanted, or even loved by my husband.

So I quiet drinking for a couple of weeks, but it got very difficult because-every weekend was a party. Its really hard to play on the same plain with intoxicated people. I also started going to the gym and I have lost 30 pounds. I also started going to Codependency meetings, and reading anything and everything I can to regain my self esteem. I have also started to make friends, couples-so scott and I can do things with couples, not his single buddies. I have started to be a better roommate, and mother, which were other complaints of my husbands. I have worked on myself and have started to enjoy my life and myself.

Unfortunatly, for my marriage this is to late. My husband has little-to-no respect for me, doesnt trust that I am going to drink and cause him more pain, and if Im an alcoholic, he doesnt want to deal with that either for the rest of his life. He doesnt trust my word or anything that I say, that there is always something in the back of his mind that makes him wonder if Im lying or not. He wants an independent women, who thinks for her self, has friends, doesnt mind doing the mingling thing(see hes with me 365 day out of the year, the last person he is going to talk to at a party is me), has a great career(which I am just starting my Real Estate career-into it by 2wks), and there is so many other things. Per my husband, it would be ok it there were 8 out of 10 things he wants in a women, he could deal with some of the difficulties, but I have one or 2 maybe 3.

Like he says, why did I wait till he was out the door to do something about all my problems. I do have that answer, because I was tired of feel the way I was, and tired of treating myself and everyone around me like dirt.

However, I too have problems with him and the way he has this single mentality in my opinion. Every weekend is a party, rarely do we do things with other couple, lately we have becuase I have mentioned it so much. Going to night clubs with your single buddies every Friday night, I mean, I constantly feel like everyone else is more important than me and my daughter. Up until these past few weeks, I have always felt not good enough. When we go out, his attention has alway been on other women, and I have had an extremely rough time with that. I continuously feel I am not good enough for him, that I dont make his standards for a women. His extreme flurtatious nature is very hard to swallow. We used to go clubing and women would come up to me and ask if they could take my Friend out-hes my husband.

No one is perfect, but I do strongly believe that if we could get past the pain, on to the healing and SETTLE DOWN. My husband and I could have a beautiful life together. Unfortunatly, for my husband, he is done-he cares about me but the damage I have done to him is beyond repair. I really thought we were on the right track and things were starting to mend, but again I was Dreaming. He still feels very strongly about seperating, and I am devistated, feeling very lost, scared, insecure, just want to crawl in a hole. I am trying to get back to the state of mind I was before I asked him the Year commitment question. I quess its better this way at least I know there is no hope for my marriage right now.

I guess Im asking, now, for advice on how to regain my courage and self esteem and move on-without my husband. Its hard to move forward and walk away from someone you love, nowing they dont want to be with you. Its hard for me to focus on a future destination, when I so want that destination to be along side my husband. How do I face the damage I have caused and except my consiquences?

Thank you for your advice and suggestions thus far, and I am looking forward to your responce.

Still hoping to save my marriage.

[Kate]

Thank you for sharing so much of yourself, your feelings and your struggles. It is scary the thought of being alone. I know when I feel insecure I just want to crawl into a hole and lick my wounds and hide from others.

You've had a very stormy relationship by the sound of things, and you are both hurting tremendously. It appears that your husband can't face any more at least at the present. Just as you have turned to drink when the pain got to much he has decided that he needs to be away from you because the pain at home is too much.

As you have realised you can't push him to stay, you do have to let him go. He may find after he has had space that he wants to come back, he may not.

What do you want for the future if you cannot have your marriage? What would you like to change about your self? If your man doesn't come back you have your own life to live and you need to provide stability for your daughter. This may provide the motivation to get your self and your life in order.

You've made mistakes in the past and one step along the road is to forgive yourself and if necessary ask your husband or others for their forgivenes for the mistakes you've made. But do be careful not to ask his forgiveness in order to persuade him to stay.

I'd encourage you to continue with any counselling or codependency groups you're going to, because that will help you grow more healthy as a person.

We all have emotional needs, the main ones being the need to love and be loved, the need to be valued or significant, and the need to be autonomous, that is to be free to make your own decisions in life. When these needs aren't being met continually in our life we experience negative feelings and pain and often act to ease that pain, either by withdrawing from the relationship or situation which is the source of the pain, or by manipulating people and situations to meet our needs. For example if we have a strong need to be valued, we may throw ourselves into a job or career to prove to ourselves and others how valuable we are, neglecting our family relationships. If we have a strong unmet need for love, because we doubt that we are attractive or loveable, we may pressure people to keep on telling us they love us and criticise them when they don't seem to be.

It might help you to sit down and think about these needs and where yours aren't being met and whether you are trying to manipulate people and circumstances to meet them.

Think about the things about you that are unique and special and the things that you are skilled at. Remind yourself of these each day. Find ways to use your talents and enjoy the fruits of that. When your daughter hugs you, enjoy it and remind yourself it is love given spontaneously and voluntarily. Remember that we all live with self-doubts, we just have different ways of dealing with them.

There is an area of the site called When it really is over (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/whenover/). There are two places here that you might find helpful, one if a book called the Divorce Remedy (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/whenover/divorceremedy/) and the other is Unique You (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/php-bin/jump.php?linkid=104) which has an information and advice (http://www.uniqueyou.co.uk/S-04000.htm) section with a good bit on "your feelings and emotions".

Keep in touch

Best wishes

Kate