Don't know what to do

[Tryingtogetstrong]

My situation is this...On July 2 I was checking my computer's cached files to see what my 16 year old son wzs up to (He sometimes goes on the computer late at night and I check up on him)
What do you know but I found evidence that my husband has been having an affair since at least last may. What I saw was a copy of his Hotmail inbox, so it shows all the subject lines and who sent the message, but I could not get into the message. These subjects said things like, half lover half friend, I miss you, how are you my love, etc) Not only this, but this was a new secret e-mail account that I didn't know about. I felt like I was kicked in the stomache. I printed out a copy of the file, and called a friend to talk. Then I waited until my husband was done with his class and in his office hour. (he is a prof)
I wrote down the girls name on a sheet of paper and went to see him. He could tell something was wrong when I went to see him.When I showed him the paper wht her name and asked him what it was he said it was just a student! Well i let it all fly right then and we had a very stressful conversation. A few days later he told me that she was just a penpal, and that they never had sex, only she was wanting to.

Well he says the marriage is important to him, and he has don a few thoughtful things and I was getting to feeling better. I am seeing a counslor, but my husband refuses.
My coulselor said that as part of the rebuilding trust process Paul should agree not to see her again, and also agree not to do this to me again. So far, Paul is refusing, saying that he wants to take one day at a time. I find myself alternately crying and angry.

Then I found another e-mail from this woman dated early November! This was completely devastating.

I want to trust him again, I want to rebuild my marriage, but I fell I am doing all the work.
HELP!

[Kate]

It does seem that you are the one who is making the effort to sort things out. I wouldn't want to interfere with the advice your counsellor is giving you, but here are some thoughts to supplement it.

It isn't easy to rebuild trust unless you are both willing to do it and this is why your counsellor is suggesting your husband stop seeing the woman. Perhaps you could ask your husband how he sees living one day at a time and what he thinks that should feel like for you. If you can try and stay calm when you do this. There is an article on rebuilding trust here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/trust/), which may help you to understand how you see trust and what he would need to do for you to being tot rust him again.

Whatever he says he is having an affair. lack of sex doesn't make it any less of an affair. You might like to check out some of articles here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/) and particularly the one about common ways of reacting to an affair (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/patternaffair.html).

Your roller-coaster of emotions is not surprising. When I have strong emotions, I often find it helps to write them down so they are expressed ina safe way. All the best with the counselling and I hope your husband has the courage to face up to the effects of his actions.

Kate