I guess it's over

[devastated]

Well, it seemed we were happy, except for the normal marriage things. We had gotten into a rather routine time in our life. We had the car, the pets, and bought a beautiful house about two years ago. My husband found a "friend" named Michelle that he started go out with. He was going out with her and her friends. Then about five months ago I realized that it was more than a friendship. When we went out as couples (Michelle is married) they would flirt with eachother right in front of me and my husband. My husband and I have been fighting with her non stop for the last five months. During each fight he would say he loved me and that there was nothing going on and that I should just relax because there was nothing to worry about. Finally I found he had been calling her every day on his cell phone at least 3 to 4 times a day. I got so upset and told him it was either her or me. He couldn't choose and thats when the "Divorce" word came up. We have been fighting back and forth ever since. I wanted to go to therapy but he fights it. He now says that he never wanted to marry me. He only married me because he was lonely. He has been in this marriage for eight years because he felt it was what he should do. He claims that this woman (who he has feelings for) has nothing to do with it and it was just our marriage. He says he doesn't like to be around me and I am not fun. He has managed to erase any good times we had in our whole marriage. I love him very much and I wanted to try and work it out. But everytime I see him he just adds one more reason he wants to get away from me.

Can it be that he was that unhappy. Can this marriage be saved.
I finally told him to do what he needs to do and am sitting here awaiting the divorce summons.

Help.

[Liz]

Dear Devastated,

Most marriages can be saved but it needs both parties committed to doing it. Rather than getting involved in what you haven't been able to give him in marriage, is there any chance of asking him what it is he does want out of a marriage partner!

It would seem from what you say that marriage hasn't turned out to be what he expected and he hasn't known what to do about it. It's so easy to get into a rut and into being disappointed, but you can do things about that. If he won't go to counselling, then ask him if he's willing to do a marriage course (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/) to see if there's something you can do to get things back on track. It may be that you need to re-discover some of your early love for each other.

Try and quit the arguing and try to have some more constructive conflict (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/healthconflict/). There must be choices you can make not to be drawn into arguments that polarise things between you. Is there nothing that you enjoy doing together, to begin to build common ground.

Last of all I recommend Divorce remedy (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/books/divorceremedy/) for more ideas on how to get through this crisis.

All the best

Liz

[Unregistered]

Hi

I have been going through much the same as you for the past 2 & a half months. My husband had an affair with an old girlfriend 4 years ago & I recently found out it had been continuing again for the past 18 months. The first time it came out I wanted him to be with me and I made this very clear & fought for him. He though had feelings for her and didn't really want to give her up. He did reluctantly.

This time I handled it very differently. I told him I didn't want him. I had had enough and I insisted he moved out. Although very difficult to do it was the best thing. He began to see exactly what he was losing - his job (our workshop is next to the house), being there for his kids, everything we had worked for over the years, etc.

He had been in a kind of fantasy with this women - he thought he could have her and hang on to the things he wanted from the marriage. Only when this happened did he begin to see this was not realistic. I didn't play ball.

The other woman eventually was the one that changed things for him. She wanted him to leave me and in her efforts to break up our marriage she did some very vindictive things. This made him realise that she was not the woman he had thought she was and he says he no longer has any feelings for her & believes he had a lucky escape.

Obviously it is early days for us & we may or may not stay together but only 6 weeks ago I too felt like you and was sure I was heading towards a divorce. I felt devasted, lonely, let down, hurt & very afraid. I did not imagine there was a possibility of reconciliation but I can see the way I handled it this time made a big difference. It was HIS choice to come back not me making him and for this reason I believe he does mean it this time. My attitude was, if he is going to go with her he will anyway so there was no point in trying to hang on to him. It was hard & I still have a lot of anxieties but our relationship is much much better and we are beinging to have fun together again.

Don't give up just yet. It took my husband a month to come to his senses. I hope this helps & good luck.

Fellow sufferer

[devastated]

I tried as you did. Only to have him come to me a few days later and tell me that he was going to the lawyers to file for divorce. I really felt that he wouldn't go that far but he did.

I feel that I have totally humiliated myself by telling him that I don't want to lose him and I want him back. Unfortunately, he just looked at me and said nothing.

There is nothing more that I can do.

[Liz]

Dear Devastated,

Making ourselves vulnerable as you did by telling your husband how much you loved him was a courageous thing to do. You risked the humiliation, but at least you have been real, and need never wonder if he ever doubted your love for him.

Rejection and humiliation are painful. They are experiences echoed through the pages of this forum. You can't change his behaviour or attitudes, but you can be true to yourself and the things that you value and the commitment you've made.

The other lady speaks with a lot of wisdom. If you are prepared to wait, your husband may find that the grass is not actually "greener on the other side". There is nothing more you can do, but stand and hope for an opportunity to touch his heart.