Waiting Game

[Becky]

Hi everyone. First time poster here...

I think this will really help me by putting my thoughts down like this and seeing if others out there are in the same boat as me..

I have been married for 11 years, have 2 children (one special needs) and have generally been happy.
My husband shocked me about 2 months ago, by saying, he really isn't happy anymore and doesn't feel like he is in love with me anymore.

YIKES - that had to hurt! It did. We have had problems in the past over pidley stuff, nothing major, like: house chores, cooking, laziness, etc... but never have the words, "I don't think I am in love with you anymore" ever come out of either of our mouths.

I know I am not perfect and can be lazy at times, but this was a complete shock. I love him still with all my heart.

What can it be, I ask myself? Is he cheating? Is he bored? Is he ready for divorce? mid life crisis (early)? what?

I am sure of the fact that he isn't cheating. (mostly because I know where he is all the time, but he is starting to resist that and want more freedom)....but he point blank told me know when I asked him.

I know what the issues are - more love making, more attentiveness, and more domestic overhauls...but can these things really make someone fall out of love with another for not doing it?

Once addressing these issues and making a point to do them more often, he still isn't coming around. He's still distant, on the surface, and wanting more time away from me.

When we get into deep discussion and I can't hide my crying any longer, he feels sorry for me. It's almost like I feel he's waiting for me to say, "I can't take this anymore - I'm walking out!!!"
That way he doesn't look like the "bad guy" for breaking up this family....

Does anyone out there know what this feels like?

[Kate]

Hi Becky,

I waited a few days to reply in case there was anyone else who knew how you were feeling who wanted to reply.

I think quite a few couples go through the stage of disillusionment (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffdisill/) you seem to be going through. When we had been married a few years we went through a bad patch. We had just started a family and nothing seemed as exciting as it had at first. some of the things that had attracted us to each other began to irritate, like my husband’s humour and my relaxed way of living life that was leading to chaos in our home.

We didn’t know how to talk about it or really understand what was happening so we began to withdraw subtly from each other and wonder if this was all there was for the years stretching out ahead.

We know now that this was just us moving from the romance stage where we ignored each others faults to the reality stage where we could choose to accept each other warts and all and learn to love in spite of our differences. It's easy to think that the way we feel is our best guide to love, but love works best when it's seen as a decision and choice we make each day to put the other first and, as you are doing to be willing to change to improve things.

You say you're beginning to change, but it doesn't seem to be having any effect on your husband. It may be that he's confused by what has happened and coming to the wrong conclusions, unsure whether things can really get better.

The thing that made a difference to us was a Marriage Encounter (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/marenhres/meang/) weekend. They're available all over the world and there are similar programmes (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/) around to help give your marriage a boost. It's not counselling, but an opportunity to discover the strengths and depths of your love again and to build on that.

I wonder if your husband has just lost site of what marriage is all about and what it can be. don't give up too easily. Just because things are a bit tough at the moment doesn't mean you have to resort to divorce. This is an opportunity to get to know each other better and discover the joy there can be in knowing and being known, being loved and accepted by another human being.

Best wishes


Kate :)

[Dreamer]

Hi Becky,

I have been with my husband 5 years, threw the 1st year it was really, really great, then we moved. The next 2-3 years were very destructive, mostly by my behavior mixed with low self esteem and insecurityies running on high and a lot of cocktails thrown in the mix. No affairs, but lots of trust broken, lies told by me.

Then we move back to were we first met and decided to get married. 6 months later he calls off the wedding, and asks me to move out do to the continuous laziness, drinking, insecurity and more on my part.

2 months later we get married. We both talk at lengths about what we wanted and how things would change, but after the wedding nothing on both of our parts changed. My husband continued to act as if he was single and I continued to drink-drowning myself so that I couldnt feel. So it is now 8 months after our wedding 5 years together and he want a divorce. He says he is not In-Love with me, loves me and cares about me, just doesnt think he wants to spend the rest of his life with someone like me- which he brought this to my attention 2 months ago.

At that point, I choose to change-1)to save my marriage and 2)becuase I was tired of feeling that way, always crying, drinking myself into stuppers because he would give me any attention, just didnt want to feel like killing myself anymore.

So I have lost 30 pounds, going to the gym, made friends, stopped drinking for 30 days, and now on occation. I go to codependancy meeting and other self help groups for myself. I read anything and everything I can on self esteem and being possitive person, thinking things threw and so many other great things. I walk tall again, not with my head down all the time. My husband and I have been getting along really well, really well. Unfortunatly, I asked him to give me a 1 year commitment and at the end of the year, if he still wanted a divorce I would leave.

Well, I again am at the bottom of the hole trying to figure my way out. He has not change his mind, matter of fact if we had enough money he would have left already. Tell me that wasnt devistating. Were not fighting, were getting along so well and I have grown so much, but it just wasnt enough. He claims the damage was too much, that I pushed him to the end of the rope.
So now I am again in this huge hole, crying again and just feeling so not wanted, on loved, punished for the way I behaved and treated him. Last week, and for the past 2 months I have been on top of the world, and with one question, my hole world has crumbled again. I am truely devistated. My husband says he could get past it if I had 8 out of ten qualities he is looking for in a women, but I dont. Plus, he has told me that he is very much interested to see what else is out there. Yeah, big blow, now when he goes out with his buddies, Im constantly thinking, "is he going to meet someone".

I just want to get back the the positive, confident and happy me again. At this point, I dont have a clue how to get back to her. I am just so devistated. I truely love my husband, and I dont want to give up or walk away or let him walk away. Just so lost right now, desperatly try to find direction again.

Anyhow, it does help to share. I hope things work out for you and me both.

Good Luck.

[Kate]

Hey Dreamer, you've done so well over the last few weeks. Don't give up! Do the "sorting yourself out" for your own sake. I know it's going to be hard because there's not the same motiavtion for doing it, but you are worth it. Who knows that your husband won't realise what he's losing and if he doesn't then you will be a whole lot stronger to face the future. You are a very precious special individual! keep in touch.

Kate:)