Stevelee
24th February 2011, 01:17 PM
Been married for 14 years now. Even before marriage, wife and I have a tendency for regular heated arguments. They tend to be resolved eventually. 14 years and 3 kids later this is still a pattern, but lately it has become very troubling.
What troubles me is whereas perviously nomatter how upset and angry I am, I know I still love her in my heart; but now I don't feel that way. My wife on the other hand tends to hate me whenever we are arguing.
Often she gets really annoyed if I do or say anything that can remotely be misunderstood as saying she is worng or have done something wrong. Each time that happens a horrible argument errupts, and if she can't be right, she will say things like "I am always wrong, you are always right", or "I admit I am a useless wife, are you happy now?". Lately she even cries, and say things like "I don't want to see you nor talk to you anymore. I want to leave and stay with my mother" when there is a heated argument.
When I try to bring her back to the issue we are disagreeing on, she simply reverts to the comments above. Can't resolve issues if she behaves like that.
One example was yesterday it was 9:10 pm and my 7 yo daughter is nowhere near ready with her schoolwork, and my wife has been showing her ideas on the website. I was angry with my daughter for leaving things so late (I told her what to do 2 weeks ago, but she didn't, and parents are not meant to help too much in the homework). Given that it was so late, I took over and got her ready for the homework to be handed in the next day, and said to my wife it wasn't a good idea to start designing things at this late hour, and try to stick to a simple design. She became furious, threw boxes all over the floor, stomped upstairs to sleep. When I confronted her about the issue, the above repeated itself (tears, screaming, saying "I am useless wife" etc).
I do have my faults: I could have said things nicer, and I shouldn't say things in angry tones.
On rare occasions I mention to her that perhaps she takes criticisms badly when they are not directed at her self worth, she gets 10 times more upset because she feel that I said she have a self esteem problem. The ill feeling get even longer to resolve.
The truth is I am trying so hard to suppress so many things, and it is difficult to deal with things. Both my wife and I work full time, but I tend to end up doing most of the things. I pick the children up form childminder most days, she does it once a week. I cook, do laundry most days, she might do it once a week. Even when she comes home whilst I am busy sorting housework and food out, she would simply go to the computer and surf the net, or watch TV rather than help me. I bath the kids most days she may do it once every 2 weeks. Even when she is home, it is up to me to clear the dinning table daily, do the washing up. She hasn't clear the dishwasher for more than 2 months, previously she may have done it once a month. I do slightly more folding up clothes and ironing, but I put away clothes 4-5 times as often as she does. She has never woken once earlier than me to prepare the children's lunchboxes, even when I am ill. I end up getting the kids to practice their music and languages although she is 100 times better at these than I am.
This has been raised a few times more than a year ago, but she went into a "I am a useless wife" rant and arguement, so I have not even raised this issue with her more more than half a year now. There have been little chance in her behaviour. There are already enough things that erupt between us that I would rather exclude house chores etc from the equation.
I really do not know what to do. Both of us have anger management problems, I am trying various techniques. She won't even admit she has a problem, she disagree that she has anger issues or self esteem issues. However I can't sit down and discuss thigns calmly with her even if I approach issue like a contrite scared little child, she will just explode. I am getting nowhere, because everytime I discuss any issues she will end up with the same "I am useless", and "I am wrong you are right, stop talking to me" rant.
What am I to do?
What troubles me is whereas perviously nomatter how upset and angry I am, I know I still love her in my heart; but now I don't feel that way. My wife on the other hand tends to hate me whenever we are arguing.
Often she gets really annoyed if I do or say anything that can remotely be misunderstood as saying she is worng or have done something wrong. Each time that happens a horrible argument errupts, and if she can't be right, she will say things like "I am always wrong, you are always right", or "I admit I am a useless wife, are you happy now?". Lately she even cries, and say things like "I don't want to see you nor talk to you anymore. I want to leave and stay with my mother" when there is a heated argument.
When I try to bring her back to the issue we are disagreeing on, she simply reverts to the comments above. Can't resolve issues if she behaves like that.
One example was yesterday it was 9:10 pm and my 7 yo daughter is nowhere near ready with her schoolwork, and my wife has been showing her ideas on the website. I was angry with my daughter for leaving things so late (I told her what to do 2 weeks ago, but she didn't, and parents are not meant to help too much in the homework). Given that it was so late, I took over and got her ready for the homework to be handed in the next day, and said to my wife it wasn't a good idea to start designing things at this late hour, and try to stick to a simple design. She became furious, threw boxes all over the floor, stomped upstairs to sleep. When I confronted her about the issue, the above repeated itself (tears, screaming, saying "I am useless wife" etc).
I do have my faults: I could have said things nicer, and I shouldn't say things in angry tones.
On rare occasions I mention to her that perhaps she takes criticisms badly when they are not directed at her self worth, she gets 10 times more upset because she feel that I said she have a self esteem problem. The ill feeling get even longer to resolve.
The truth is I am trying so hard to suppress so many things, and it is difficult to deal with things. Both my wife and I work full time, but I tend to end up doing most of the things. I pick the children up form childminder most days, she does it once a week. I cook, do laundry most days, she might do it once a week. Even when she comes home whilst I am busy sorting housework and food out, she would simply go to the computer and surf the net, or watch TV rather than help me. I bath the kids most days she may do it once every 2 weeks. Even when she is home, it is up to me to clear the dinning table daily, do the washing up. She hasn't clear the dishwasher for more than 2 months, previously she may have done it once a month. I do slightly more folding up clothes and ironing, but I put away clothes 4-5 times as often as she does. She has never woken once earlier than me to prepare the children's lunchboxes, even when I am ill. I end up getting the kids to practice their music and languages although she is 100 times better at these than I am.
This has been raised a few times more than a year ago, but she went into a "I am a useless wife" rant and arguement, so I have not even raised this issue with her more more than half a year now. There have been little chance in her behaviour. There are already enough things that erupt between us that I would rather exclude house chores etc from the equation.
I really do not know what to do. Both of us have anger management problems, I am trying various techniques. She won't even admit she has a problem, she disagree that she has anger issues or self esteem issues. However I can't sit down and discuss thigns calmly with her even if I approach issue like a contrite scared little child, she will just explode. I am getting nowhere, because everytime I discuss any issues she will end up with the same "I am useless", and "I am wrong you are right, stop talking to me" rant.
What am I to do?