Help!

[Orca]

I'm 35, my wife is 24. We've been together 3 and half years, married for 2 months(!). We have a 2 year old son named Harry.
A couple of weeks ago, my wife went out on a work leaving do. The following night we went to a party and on the way home she told me that on the previous night she kissed a bloke from her work and that "she will probably take it further next time". She told me that she can't believe she was so naive to have a baby so young and rush into marriage. She says she still loves me but she's not sure "in which way"?
I was numbed and flew into a predicatable rage. Breaking things, throwing and screaming. This was completely out of the blue. Since then I have been in terrible pain, losing weight and not sleeping. She agreed to see a counseller and receive therapy. Whicvh we've done (separately I might add). Last week she went out one night and didn't come home. I locked her out of the house and we had a bit of a push and shove which affected out beautiful baby boy. Admittedly, the previous night I gacve her an ultimatum that if she comes home late and drunk she shouldn't come home at all. So she didn't.
Therapy has been good for me, where I've discovered that I can't control my wife's actions - with this in my mind the other night I caught her out speaking to this fellow (who is 26, young and single) on the phone. So we spoke and I asked her what she wanted. She said that she wanted to sell the house and live separately, to which I agreed.
However, the following night, I reversed my choice...why should I give up so easily? I told her I wasn't selling the house and was staying put. This morning she has been horrible to me. Snapping and spiteful. When I got to work this morning I rang her "boyfriend" and told him that I loved Karen very, very much; and that I wanted him to consider the consequences of what he's doing to my family, home and little boy. I asked him to stay away from karen. He said he "understood" but it was Karen's choice. I'm not sure what that means. Since then, I've found out that my mother-in-law has spoken to this chap as well and told him that he would never be welcomed by my wife's family. He told my wife and she rang her mother and they had an argument, whereupon my wife blamed her mother for her problems!
Question: Have I done the right thing?
Question: Am I on the right path?
Question: What do I do now?

[Orca]

Orca here again, just wanted to add a footnote to my story.
I have discovered that my wife's grandmother was a 7 times married alcholic. From all the reading I've been doing I've learned that alcholism is inherited. Karen has a history of infidelity in relationships (what a silly man I am!) I started seeing her when she was seeing another fellow. This fellow started seeing her when she was seeing someone else. History is repeating itself. She is not even hiding her contact with this man from me. She spoke to him at my home last night on the phone. She said they were just speaking as friends. She is really rubbing my nose in it.
I'm not attempting to use the alcholism story as an excuse for the problems that we've had. But as far as I'm concerned, I thought we were reasonably happy...then she dropped the bombshell about her feelings for this other man. Things as home are very tense and uncomfortable. She told me last night that she is going out Friday night. Christ, the pain is unbearable! I think our son is starting to be affected. Help!

[Orca]

Footnote 2 - could she have Borderline Personality disorder?

[Liz]

Dear Orca

Your wife is obviously feeling trapped by marriage and motherhood. In some ways she seems to ahve done everything the wrong way round - a cohabiting relationship with you, bring a child into the world, try to settle down and finally make a commitment and then panic about the thought of being tied down to someone about whom she's not quite sure how she feels. Somehow she doesn't reallys eem to ahve actually understood the commitment she was making and seems to be judging everything on how she feels. You can't build a stable marriage on a feel good factor because that deserts us from time to time.

Your wife sounds thoroughly mixed up. What can you do to help? Well getting into conflict doesn't seem to be helping. Perhaps she needs a calm husband who remaisn solid and imovable while she sorts out what she is really trying to do. Your son certainly needs some stability.

Why not have a look at some of the articles in the Basic Relationship Skills (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/relbasictopic/) section and think about how you are communicating with her, listening to her and resolving conflict. See if you can change the way you respond to her. If it is a problem of lack of emotional maturity, then perhaps you need to provide some sort of stability in her life while she sorts herself out. It may seem hard on you, but love is about wanting the best for the other.

All the best

Liz

[Becky]

Some women have the "motherly" instinct in them and some don't. Karen obviously doesn't!!! It sounds to me that she is a manic depressant and alcohol is adding to her depressive state.

RUN!!! or you will be dealing with a LIFE time of pain and misery. Not to mention the scars it will leave on your son.

Sorry to be so blunt, but you are obviously too mature for her and right now, your son needs you. She seems to be doing fine on her own. Let her go. If she really loves you and really wants to straighten up her act, she'll be back.

Keep your home for you and your son. Don't let her run in and out when she feels needy! Put your foot down and don't let her run all over you!!!

Becky

[Orca]

Thanks Becky.
I've taken your advice on board. And while I'm still swinging between manic and man, the boat is steadying a bit.
Yesterday was a bad day. I was nasty and abusive to her. I accused her of all sorts of stuff. I even called her a slut. God forgive me.
I'm having a lucid day today. I have been so manic and insane the last two weeks. She told me yesterday that my behaviour (my behaviour!) over the past fortnight has taken away any chance of us staying together. I wrote her an e-mail today which was good for me also. I told her again that I love her. But I explained that what what I was feeling and my actions were understandable. I asked her to imagine how she would behave if (god forbid) our son were to die suddenly tomorrow. Would she not throw things, scream, rant, rave, hurl terrible insults, be aggressive and abusive? She taking her love away is akin to bereavement. Mourning the death of a close friend or relative.
Particularly if the one doing the mourning is the little child inside me.
I then asked her to close her eyes and imagine how she would feel if I completely ignored her feelings if she were to lose a close friend or relative. I told her that this has been what has made me so angry - that she seems to be completely ambivelant to my feelings - a total lack of understanding!
I've asked her to not let her judgement or thinking or feelings be clouded by events of the past three weeks, as my actions and words have been induced by severe trauma.
Perhaps this is me making excuses or delaying the inevitable. What do you think?
Also, another interesting thing: Recently, Karen has said that I don't like any of her friends.Which has been true to a point. One chap called Chris in particular. He had a bit of a relationship with her before we met. And recently, I have told her that I thought he was not a very nice person. I was jealous. Which was wrong of me. In therapy I've realised that he IS a nice person and a good bloke. I had no right to judge him.
So I rang him yesterday and apologised. He said he'd never thought I'd been hostile towards him, but I assured him that I had. I told him that because of the way I'd been brought up (toxic parents anyone?) I was insecure and possessive. He said he understood. I asked him to call her, which he did. So he's coming over to our house tonight to chat with her. He is a very decent person. Maybe he can bring her round to give me another chance.
I am enclosing a copy of the e-mail that I have sent her. It may make some of you ill as it's very heart-felt. What does everyone think? Am I being to up-front? Am I being pathetic?
Here it is:
Dear Karen,
My love for you is total.
You're resentment of me is major.
I've been a mess for the past three weeks.
The woman I love suddenly turns off her love like turning off a tap.
Please understand why I've been this way:
I know this is hard and not very pleasant, but ask yourself how you would feel if our son Harry were to suddenly die tomorrow, unexpectantly...
Ask yourself and answer honestly: How would you act?
Would you be Angry? Frustrated - would you throw things around? Scream? Yell? Drive around ina panic? Not be able to sleep?Cry all the time? Smoke a million cigarettes? Drink? Go crazy? Be Aggressive? Say stupid, irrational things you didn't mean?
Close your eyes and just consider what YOUR actions would be like?
I suspect If anything were to happen to Harry, you would go through similar things.
So I ask you, please do not judge me on what has happened over the past three weeks. These emotions I am experiencing - are from the same part of the brain that mourns for the death of a loved one.
I just wanted you to know and acknowledge what I am going through.
So please, Please - do not judge me on how I've been for the past three weeks. I'm telling you this because the anger I have at you, comes from your seeming nonchalant attitude towards my feelings. Almost as if you don't care.
Do you care?
Again ask yourself what your actions would be if I didn't care or appear to give a **** if you were in mourning for the sudden death of a close friend or relative.
This is how I've felt.
I've been angry because I want you to feel something.
That's why I've been swinging between anger and tenderness and love and futility and remorse and depression and euphoria.
It's like you're punishing me. Trying to push me away and ignore my feelings? Like you're throwing me on the rubbish tip. I am a human being who happens to be deeply in love with you. I have feelings. I have emotions.
I hope, I truly hope that this letter reaches a part of your heart. The part which has compassion in it.
I have been in shock. It happens to everyone sooner or later. And not just people - animals as well.
This is me speaking - the real me, in an ever-increasingly rational, adult capacity.
You can't suddenly stop wanting to be my best friend, because that's what we were/are.
If you could now hopefully understand what I've been going through, and understand that I am experiencing major shock/trauma then please don't let your thinking be clouded by recent events.
Judge me by the person I really am and the person I am becoming.
That person is kind, loving, cool, intelligent, funny, exciting, tender, athletic, relaxed, smiles alot, giving, generous, caring and (don't laugh at this one) sexy.
That's who I really am.
I am rapidly getting there. However, I am making this transition while bearing the worst event or trauma in my life: the sudden loss or potential loss of the only person I've ever loved. The one, true love of my life: You, Karen, You.
I hope you read this and perhaps you will offer me a show of compassion and understanding.

Forever yours,

Your loving husband.

[Orca]

I meant to say thanks Liz.
Message to Becky - I can't abandone her. I will not sell the house. I will not move, no matter what hell I must endure.
I've been running away from things all my life. This time, I'm facing the pain.