Made a descision..I think she wanted

[Unregistered]

My wife & I have been having serious problems for 3 months now..married 10 yrs & 3 kids.

Well the main reason for the conflicts stem (from her standpoint)
that we do not have a real marraige...as in a perfect family life, great communication, no arguements..etc... (almost like she wants a fairy tale marraige)

I admit I have not been there at all times, but she has her fair share of not supporting me as well.

I honestly think we grew apart, in the sense that we love/loved oneanother...but along the way forgot to show & give the love we had...so we pushed oneanother away.

Now (as of Wed.) She no longer lives with me (kids as well)
She is staying at her mothers house.

To shed some light, here is what transpired:

Wed. we go to marraige counseling, it was cancelled for therapist reasons, we go to the park to talk. She tells me again...she loves me..but can't stand to look at me, & will never forgive me for the pain I have caused her.
A month prior she kicked me out for a week & then we decide to change everything & work on US...so we are on the path to rebuilding...then she hits me with "I Can't stand you"

So I drive us home...go inside & tell her to leave & not to come back.

She is stuned..but leaves with the kids.

Now this seems harsh of me...but she has told me, that if we didn't work out...she would leave & stay with her mother.

I feel that, even though "we" were working on it, she honestly did not want to be together..but was affraid to say so...
I had had enough & it broke me that day, when my wife said she couldn't stand me...so I made the decision for her.

Since that day...almost all of her & the kids items are gone...the day she left I took everything of hers in sight & put them away in closets....she said it hurt to see how easily I could forget her...of course this was not my intention...I just wanted her to see I would move on..rather than wait & beg her to come back.
Almost a childish act...but I'm sure not an uncommon one.

The past few days have given me relief,sadness, hatetred, pain,happiness.

She comes over Sat. crying saying I am a wonderful man & she didn't mean to hurt me...on & on
But I told her I was done & did not want her in my life...I felt she wanted me to ask her back.

Over the past few days,also...when she would call, she would ask where I have been, or if on the cell phone where & who I was with....this is tought to understand...she could careless one moment & say I am none of her business....but turn around & ask me what I am doing since were not together....I on the otherhand..have not asked & mostly not cared where or what she was doing, more so in the sense, I knew we were over & is was pointless to wonder.

Now to add a bit here...she was on Paxill for 3 months & quit altogether about a month ago...I will assume this is not good for her to do...& would cause irational behavior so on & so on.

This may or may not be what triggered this huge change in her...but I can say she was never like this before taking the medicine.

My head is spinning...so I will stop here..I apologize for the vaugeness of this...there is alot more that has/is happening, that I did not include..but for the most part I hope this is enough for someone to give me a glue or at least have someone let me know they are right there as well.

Feel free to email me allen4294@msn.com

[Liz]

There seems to be a hint of bitterness running through your posting. I don't quite see what you have been trying to achieve. Do you want to rebuild your marriage?

Yes your wife has hurt you and she thinks you have hurt her, but what do you achieve by this polarisation? What happened to forgiveness (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/relbasictopic/forgive/) and trying to work things out?

Perhaps you need to look carefully at yourself and ask if you are just hitting out because you are hurt and want to get your own back. Anger is a big barrier to being willing and able to sort out differences. If you don't sort things out with her now you will probably carry the scars with you for the rest of your life. Unresolved conflict and unforgiveness won't just damage her it will damage you too. Is this really what you want???

[Unregistered]

The one thing that seems to come across from your letter is the absence of words like forgiveness, sorry, and love. Words like ultimatum and conflict are much more in evidence. That she wants to know what you are doing are not questions from somebody who does not care. Build on this for she does care. Ultimata do not work but love caring and understanding do. Try these reconciliatory words and avoid conflict and defense. Love means sweet words and kindness. Try and understand from where she is coming. Do you want it to work. Reading between the lines she does. Grasp it whilst you can!

Good luck and better still good understanding.

[Chevycavgyrl]

I see that you are hurt. But if you both are unhappy then it is best you stay apart. I am not saying to be bitter and hateful but be on good terms... if not for each other but for the children... and maybe after some time apart, you could start dating and rebuild your marrige that way. Don't rush into anything that you will someday wish you didn't. Let the past be the past and look towards what could be :)

I hope things work out the way you want it to....

[Unregistered]

I appreciate everyones insight & hope to build on a few of the things offered.

I re read my post & can see the bitterness...but also see my overall confusion in the matter.

My goal at first was to move on & be done....now with time to think, I am open to our marraige continuing...only if we both commit to straightforward effort & rebuilding every aspect of "US"

Our communication has improved over the past few days, and we seem to care for one another, to consider getting back together. Right now...we both are drained emotionally, time is needed before we push forward.

I am still beside myself, and my emotional stability is weak.

This thread has been an eye opener & gives me some strength to make my mind up, rather or not I want "US". & I hope she is seeking support as well.... I guess I need to step up to the plate & offer my support to her...at least to listen & be there if she needs me.
Thanks Again...I hope to reply again with a positive outcome.