25 years wasted?

[Joy]

My husband and I have been married for 25 years this year. There is an 11 year age difference so he is getting up to retiring age. We have three daughters, one still living at home, age 20. My problem is that the house we live in (which belonged to his parents before they died)we moved into 22 years ago as a temporary place while we saved for our own place. We never managed to get ahead enough to fund our own home. The house has now come to my husband when his parents both died. I HATE this house with a passion! I feel as if it is sucking every bit of life out of me. My husband point blank refuses to even think about selling up and moving somewhere else, somewhere smaller that doesn't need the maintenance that this place needs and never gets. He won't discuss what we are going to do with the rest of our lives, he plans to keep working as long as he is able to and the rest he will work out when it happens. I have had enough. We have a married daughter who is so dependant of us that it is driving me crazy. I want to get away from the whole situation. I feel as if I have wasted the last 25 years of my life, I have nothing more (in a material sense) than I had all that time ago. I feel as if my whole life is going nowhere and I am feeling really depressed and quite desperate. My husband knows that I am not happy but he doesn't realise how close I am to walking away from the situation because he refuses to talk about it. He just walks away and that hurts so much. I don't know where I could go or how I could support myself but it is getting close to the point of being leaving or my sanity. Can anyone suggest a way round this? Maybe a compromise? If only I could get him to listen to it :-(

[Kate]

Joy, you sound really unhappy. First of all, what can you do help yourself? Is it worth having a word with your doctor to check out how serious the depression is and whether it could be helped clinically. You might also look out for someone, a friend or counsellor that you could talk things through. What is at the route of your hatred of the house? Are you wanting some change in your life in the hope that will make things better?

The best way forward would certainly be if you could improve your communication with your husband. It sounds as if he's not keen on change and prefers to see how things work out rather than tying himself down to making long-term plans. We all cope with the future and growing old in different ways. Have a look at our Relationship Basics (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/) sections to see if you can pick up on any tips on how to improve things.

One thing that some people find helpful is to write things down. You can use this either to clarify your own feelings, dreams and priorities, or to try and communicate with your husband.

If you want to write to him try and share with him how you are feeling. Make sure you "own" your feelings and don't blame him for them or try to criticise him. It may be that he really hasn't heard how distressed you are feeling. After years of marriage we can be in danger of filtering out certain things or even not listening at all, because we think we've heard it all before.

You don't say why your married daughter is so dependent on you, but you can encourage her to cope with her own problems. Affirm her and build up her confidence. Keep ongently asking her how she thinks she can cope with her problems, when she comes to you and don't be tempted to jump in with a solution because it seems easier.

Another thought which might help with the communication is an enrichment weekend (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/). These build on the strengths of your marriage and help you to be more open and supportive of one another. If you're not in the UK, then see what you can find locally. We know Marriage Encounter (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/marenhres/meang/) is available in quite a few countries.