Should we tell or not?

[JustLooking]

I was having some problems in my marriage about a year ago and was feeling very lonely and depressed. Any attempt to communicate this to my husband only lead to big arguments so I just withdraw big time. We went on like this without being intimate for what it seem a very long time. I even felt lonelier when he was around. Then I did a very stupid thing. I got into my computer and started chatting with men. I lived with the shame but I couldn't seem to stay away from chatting. In the midst of all this mess I met a very nice man. We talked about very intimate things in the beginning but then after a while we both realized that what we were doing was very wrong and stopped chatting in a sexual way. We both stopped chatting all together and never went to a chatroom again. To make the story short. We both know that we love our partners and are now in a better relationship with our own spouses-well, things are so much better for the both of us now. The dilemma we have is that we have become really good friends. We e-mail each other often and write about our ups and down in our lives and about just life. We would like to confess our friendship to our partners because we know that we shouldn't keep secrets in a marriage. Only we do not know if this will be very wise-since when we met it did include sexual talk and both, his wife and my husband are very jealous in nature. We are not sure if they would understand this friendship because in a sense we were unfaithful even though we never met in person or even talked on the phone. Should we tell or just keep it a secret.

[Kate]

This is a tough one to call. Honesty is important in a relationship, but not if it is going to destroy the other person. Do your partners know that you go to the chat rooms? Is there any evidence of what your earlier conversations contained?

If there is no trace of any of the early misguided communication with each other, then I would suggest never telling your partners. If there is then I would destroy all traces of it. Next you have to decide whether you want to continue something that you don't want to share with your partner. However good your friendship is over the internet, is it really important enough to endanger your marriages? It helped you through a difficult time, but perhaps the time has come to let go on each other. Life is full of choices and marriage is quite full of sacrifices too.

One of the key things to honesty and openness in marriage is to avoid situations when you are tempted to deceive the other. If it's something you couldn't tell your partner then don't do it. Isn't that how you would like to be treated yourself. Right now I guess your marriages still need your full attention - the more effort we put into them the better they will become.

This may not be what you want to hear, but I think it s worth considering.

Best wishes

Kate