untrusting

[canolihead]

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Hello,

I have been married for almost two years now, I have 3 yr old child with my husband and I am pregnant with our second child.

Recently I have become suspicious of my husband and his whereabouts and such. Two days ago I found him writing an email(which he never does)to the 12 year old daughter of one of his coworkers. Apparently they have been emailing each other for a little over two months now. Everytime I would come in the computer room by him he would get very short with me and close it all out. When I confronted him with questions he lied right to my face. He swears he was/is never with anyone else ,it is all innocent. So I got suspicious and started snooping around. I read almost all of the emails she had written him. She would talk about missing him and so would her mother and other things like that. I also found the mother's phone numbers in his cellular phone. (Which he would sit in his truck and talk on for 30-45 minutes at a time) So I confronted him again only for him to lie right to my face. I broke down and cried. He said there is nothing happening and he is sorry, but how can I believe him when he has been trying so hard to hide it all?It's hard to believe him when he has lied so much. I don't want to be made a fool of. Or have our kids hurt.

He wants to stregthen our marriage and family by turning over a new leaf. I want to make it work but I don't know if I can forgive him for lying to me, or if I can ever trust him again. I don't know what to do. I am so depressed, I can't stop thinking about it.

[Dave]

Suddenly your world seems to have fallen apart around you and you are trying to make sense of it all. It's a shock and you're bound to be shaken up. The fact that your husband wants to try and make things work is a good start. Thank goodness he's not wanting to abandon you and your marriage.

But now you need some foundations to start rebuilding on and one of the key ones for you seems to be openness and honesty in the future. You might like to read the article on Learning to trust again (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/trust/) and try and decide what you could each do to rebuild the trust. It needs to be both of you agreeing what would enable you to trust each other.

You also say you don't know whether you can forgive him. That is a decision, but perhaps you need to be sure you know what you mean by forgiving him. Forgiving (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/relbasictopic/forgive/) involves accepting the pain and hurt without demanding revenge or revisiting the hurt over and over again. It will probably take time to sort all this out in your mind.

Being able to keep the communication lines open will probably help. You may need to tell your husband what you need and expect from him, so that he can help you through this. Don't expect him to read your mind or instinctively know what you need.

Although it's not clear whether he's had an affair or not, you obviously believe he's not told the truth to you. You might find the article on how people react to affairs (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/patternaffair.html) helpful, as you struggle to amke sense of your own sense of loss of trust.

I hope some of these articles may prove helpful adn that you and your husband can find wasy to rebuild your life together again.