when are you separated?

[Unregistered]

My wife recently told me that althought she loved me she was no longer in love with me. I decided to move out but since then she asks me to stay over whenever she is working away. She insists that we go on holiday next week as planed. this week she said that it feels more corect to say that we are on a break. she said that there was no hope of us getting back together at first, now she just wants time to see what happenes.
She is under a lot of stress in work and i would not have been the most suportive person in the past. the whole sitution has left me confused. The only thing i do know is that i love her dearly. has anyone gone through sililar and can you offer any advice.

[Liz]

Well it depends what you mean by separated. Some couples have a break from each other to try and work out what they want. Legally you can apply I believe for a judicial separation rather than a divorce, but that option is only taken up in certain special cases.

It sounds as though your wife is not sure that she wants a divorce. It may seem confusing to you, but it is a sign of hope that you may be able to sort things out together, if that is what you want to do.

This issue of loving someone, but no longer being "in love" with them is very common. It stems from many people not really understanding the meaning of the word love and the meaning of the vows and commitment they have made when they consented to marry.

Love is something we can choose to do even when we don't have loving or what we think are appropriate feelings. I love my children, but sometimes I am unhappy, disappointed or hurt by their behaviour. I don't stop acting lovingly towards them just because they have let me down or turn them out of the house when they are being grumpy teenagers.

Many of us vowed on our wedding day to accept our spouse for better or for worse and that includes times when we don't feel positive towards them. So many people think that when the lovning romantic feelings go then the marriage must somehow be over, but that's when it should really begin. Deciding to love and accept each other warts and all is what really sets a marriage up to last till death do us part.

There are so many resources available to help couples through the difficult times, so don't give up. See what you can find to help you both through this sticky patch. It sounds as if this is a time when you have the opportunity to really show you care by being really supportive of her as she goes through the challenges at work.

All the best

Liz

[Unregistered]

Thanks for your reply. She says that she defiantly doesn’t want a legal separation or a divorce at the moment. When I asked her if she was now happy she says that due to work pressures she hasn’t given it any thought. I am confused at this as surely if the split was the right thing then she should be happier now. She wants time to lead her life without having to be concerned with others.
I have suggested that we go for mediation but she says that she does want that.