Twice a week? mmm Twice a year more like

[Unregistered]

Well where do I start---- I've been married for 7 years have two brill children aged 2 and 4, well paid, nice house, nice cars etc etc Problem -
My children are both boys - wife wants girls - severe post natal depression with first child. After birth of second - the sex stopped, communication breakdown, resentment - everything is my fault and the "girl" thing finally boils over and complete resentment that I've lumbered her with two boys and that it is me that is the cause of all her troubles - doesn't want to risk going for a third incase it's another boy... I've lived with this for about a year and don't know what to do -- we've had sex three times in the last year - she says she can "live' without it....am I living with a pychopath? I think the post natal depression has continued from its onset and has never gone away ---- how do I communicate with her and get help --- or am I just a failure and go fry my head!

[Liz]

It can be disappointing to want a girl and get a boy but your wife's reponse doesn't make sense solely on that count. There could be postnatal depression. Is your wife seeing her doctor and are there any other signs that she is depressed - anxiety, not coping with other things in life? Do you have the same doctor because you could go and talk to him/her about your difficulties. She/he may not be able to discuss your wife's health with you, but may be able to keep an eye open for problems on any visits for other reasons or even alert the health visitor to watch out for signs. There is quite a good site called the Depression Alliance (http://www.depressionalliance.org/Contents/index.htm) - choose "Family" from there selection at the top of their page.

Is your wife willing to talk to you or a friend about her disappointment over the baby's sex? Have you thought of trying a marriage enrichment programme (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/) some are residential which gives you the chance to get away from the pressues of looking after the children.

I remember hoping our third would be a boy because I felt so unconfident about coping with a little girl, but when she arrived I found I just loved her for who she is. Let's hope your wife can find such pleasure in having two healthy happy children that she can come to terms with not having a little girl.

Best wishes

Liz

[Unregistered]

Thanks for the reply -

My wife, unfortunately, will not discuss her feelings with her doctor. I think that she knows that she is suffering from depression but shrugs it off as "no-one can help what I feel".

I just like to clear up that she is a brilliant mother to the boys, although she does not think she is. Her sisters all produced female offspring and much to my wifes horror my brothers wife recently had a little girl also - so let's just say she does not particularly look forward to visits - just too much PINK. Even trips to the shops can have my wife in tears --- looking through the girls clothes section in NEXT'll do it everytime......

Yesterday was another bad day, my neighbour asked another neighbour to baby sit for her three year old girl in front of my wife - finishing the conversation with the reason she had not asked my wife was that she didn't have a girl so it would be easier to ask someone else........this sort of comment sends my wife into days of anguish and dispare... it is very difficult to deal with.

I think my trouble is that I feel my wife has no time for me, I get jealous of the affection she gives our children and also when she spends time with male friends and relations. Maybe it's me that needs to chill out and look at life differently and maybe stop thinking that the lack of affection coming my way is a result of something that I have done.

We'll see

[Liz]

It's not easy when life seems rather out of control. I would say that if I was in your wife's shoes I would need a husband who was very patient and loving towards me, who listened to me and accepted my feelings and sometimes emotional and strange behaviour. I'm sure you are doing your best to do this, so keep on.

Have you thought that the reason she may not want to make love may be because her own self-worth is so low. Even if she doesn’t want to make love you can keep on affirming her and being gentle and tender with her, so that she experiences your love without thinking she’s under pressure to make love. A low libido can be an emotional thing but it can also be a physical thing too, tied up with the depression. If you can, try not to take the blame she throws at you on board and go on being loving to her just the same. We women do behave pretty irrationally when we’re suffering from post-natal depression or premenstrual syndrome. My husband has slowly come to terms with the latter and knows that sometimes it doesn’t matter what he does, my behaviour won’t necessarily make sense.

I do know that postnatal depression can be treated in other ways, for example a good diet and exercise help. Those are things you might be able to encourage her to do without involving the doctor. When I was close to needing a visit to the doctor after my third child, a friend encouraged me to go onto a good brand of vitamins and minerals for three months – I never needed the doctor in the end. The pregnancy had just taken too much out of me and I needed picking up.

I had a look through the internet and came across one site under reconstruction which said “PND does not last forever – she will get better!”
Then there is this site (http://www.hebs.com/services/pubs/PubSection.cfm?TxtTCode=38&TxtSNo=6&TA=index&TNav=1&ConNav=1&TC=pubcontents) with advice for husbands and family.

Take care of yourself too, so that you can take care of her! I hope that one day in the not too distant future you will find out that you haven't done anything wrong and the depression your wife is experiencing will lift.

:)