Unregistered
4th July 2002, 10:43 AM
I am so f***ed up! Please, please excuse the language but this just how I feel. I can't seem to forgive my mother for things that she‘s done to me. Especially all the lying. Unfortunately, now she is dying of cancer and hasn’t long to live. But I can’t seem to get over it and forgive, to let go. I feel guilt, pain, anger but above all I feel injustice.
This is very long so I apologize in advance.
Because of financial problems I was sent to leave with my grandmother when I was 4 yrs old. Unfortunately, just before I left my home I was raped. I do not know if my parents ever knew this, for I kept the violation to myself. At times, I would think that maybe, I was sent to my grandmother’s because I was such a pain after the rape. Or because I had done something terribly wrong. I stayed so very away from my parents for a little over a year. Which at that age seem like an eternity for me.
After so many years, I have found out through one of my aunts, that I was sent to my grandparents with her while she was visiting my mother. My parents had disgraced the family by running away together. My father was a minister of a church and my mother's family were members of the same church. My mother and her family didn't have any kind of contact until they saw me for the first time. My mother had asked my aunt to take me to her parents so that they could meet me. After I was there my mother and grandparents started communicating by mail. I was the link that brought the family together so to speak. Sadly, I didn't like being away from my parents for that long and I went through really hard times. But because I got to be so introverted no one knew what was hurting me inside.
After I came back to live with my parents again we went back for another visit when I was 7 years old and again I was left to be with my grandparents for another year and four months. The distance, compiled with the fact that there wasn’t much money made impossible for us to have any contact during this time. Until my parents were able to send for me once again. But before this happened, I was molested several times by a man that helped my grandfather with constructions around the house. Once more, I didn’t mention this to anyone, and to this point I do not know why. I loved my grandparents but I somehow knew that they were just too old to put up with someone so young. Especially my grandmother was very impatient with me. I would spend many a night fantasizing about my daddy coming to get me and carry me away from my misery. Unfortunately, it didn’t happened soon enough. I think that I had to become my own mother because to this day I do not feel a bonding with her. For some reason, I have placed all the blame on her for what happened to me. I know my daddy had a say in this as well, but I know that it was ultimately mom, who made the mayor decisions in the family. And so it is her that I am not able to forgive and she has lied to me so many times I do not know what to believe now.
My father was killed in a car accident. My mother had pushed and pushed for them to spend their retiring years in Mexico. I know that my father didn’t want to leave the country. But she was so persistent that he finally gave in. I felt that dad wanted to be close to us rather than far away. But as always, I felt that it had to be her way and not necessarily the best way. I was the first one to arrive at the hospital where she was after the accident. She had some fractured ribs and her arm was hurting, but okay. She was full of guilt, but I really do not know if it was because she had pushed him to leave the country or because they had caused the accident by arguing which was a usual thing for them to argue on the road. I will never know the real truth.
As you might imagine I had difficult time. I think that I was a good mother. I dedicated my life to the raising of the kids. At times, it was difficult because I would feel pains of depression. Although I had this feeling my husband was very understanding towards me and helped me the best way he knew how. I didn’t confessed to my husband about my childhood until 18 years into our marriage. He took it remarkably well. Only every now and then I could see some of his resentment against my mother. We, my brother, sister and myself always took mom lies as a matter of fact. We knew she was possibly lying sometimes, but we just let it pass without letting her know what she was doing. My husband was never able to do this. He knew when mom was lying and most importantly my mother knew that my husband knew she was lying. She somehow knew that he could see right through her.
One day I went to pick up my mother and a friend so that they could spend sometime with us visiting. During the visit my husband suggested to my mother to let him record, with a video camera, about her life-for the family and for future members of the family. Being the fact that we didn’t know how much longer we would have with her. He told her that she could tell about her childhood and my childhood. The very next day after this I noticed a grave change in her. Out of the blue she told me that I was a liar. That I had only stayed with my grandparents for two weeks and that it had only been one time that I was away from home! I felt as if I was being violated all over again. Now she is telling me that I was never sent away for that long. I didn’t know what to do or say but my time spent with her was pretty tense. I took her and her friend back home. But she was in a terrible disposition and so was I. While she was upstairs I was able to confide in my sister that mom was acting in a very terrible way towards me, but that I didn’t know what was going on or why. That same afternoon I went to see my son that lives in the same town as my mother and my sister. He was such a comfort to me. He told me that mom was feeling very guilty and that was the reason that she was acting hostile towards me. He also said that rather than experiencing a rejection from me she picked a fight with me. Out of fear that I would reject her. It made perfect sense to me and I left it at that. I was happy with his wisdom and I even felt a little compassion for her.
At this time my mother was living with my sister. And while I was talking to my son trying to make sense of everything she was telling my sister and her husband that my husband had been really cruel and nasty to her. She was genuinely crying and feeling terribly hurt. My sister and her husband were very worried. She told them that my husband had confronted her as to why she had left me for so long to live with my grandmother. That my husband wanted to video tape all this info and that he was going to show it to everyone, including his parents. Of course this never happened.
I would have been ostracized from the family had it not been for the fact that the friend was present the whole time that my husband was mentioning to my mother about the simple recording of her life. My sister verified the story with the friend and let it go at that. Thinking that mother was just making up things, and she hoped the whole incident simply stayed there with them. Well it didn’t, she also mentioned the incident with the same intensity to my brother. My brother then called my husband and myself and said very hurtful thing to the two of us. I got really hurt but since we believed that my mother had made this story a reality, specially in her mind, we decided that my husband would stay away from any family function on my mother’s side.
Now I feel that I should have a long talk with mom. However, I am scared to death. Scared firstly, to hurt her. Scared to get hurt by her denial. I know she will try to put the blame on someone else, anyone except herself. She will tell me what ever she thinks I want to hear. When in reality I just want the truth. If I confront her about all her lies she will go to my siblings and make another big stink about it. I just do not know. Should I keep all this to myself or talk to her? I really do not know how much time I have....Please help!
This is very long so I apologize in advance.
Because of financial problems I was sent to leave with my grandmother when I was 4 yrs old. Unfortunately, just before I left my home I was raped. I do not know if my parents ever knew this, for I kept the violation to myself. At times, I would think that maybe, I was sent to my grandmother’s because I was such a pain after the rape. Or because I had done something terribly wrong. I stayed so very away from my parents for a little over a year. Which at that age seem like an eternity for me.
After so many years, I have found out through one of my aunts, that I was sent to my grandparents with her while she was visiting my mother. My parents had disgraced the family by running away together. My father was a minister of a church and my mother's family were members of the same church. My mother and her family didn't have any kind of contact until they saw me for the first time. My mother had asked my aunt to take me to her parents so that they could meet me. After I was there my mother and grandparents started communicating by mail. I was the link that brought the family together so to speak. Sadly, I didn't like being away from my parents for that long and I went through really hard times. But because I got to be so introverted no one knew what was hurting me inside.
After I came back to live with my parents again we went back for another visit when I was 7 years old and again I was left to be with my grandparents for another year and four months. The distance, compiled with the fact that there wasn’t much money made impossible for us to have any contact during this time. Until my parents were able to send for me once again. But before this happened, I was molested several times by a man that helped my grandfather with constructions around the house. Once more, I didn’t mention this to anyone, and to this point I do not know why. I loved my grandparents but I somehow knew that they were just too old to put up with someone so young. Especially my grandmother was very impatient with me. I would spend many a night fantasizing about my daddy coming to get me and carry me away from my misery. Unfortunately, it didn’t happened soon enough. I think that I had to become my own mother because to this day I do not feel a bonding with her. For some reason, I have placed all the blame on her for what happened to me. I know my daddy had a say in this as well, but I know that it was ultimately mom, who made the mayor decisions in the family. And so it is her that I am not able to forgive and she has lied to me so many times I do not know what to believe now.
My father was killed in a car accident. My mother had pushed and pushed for them to spend their retiring years in Mexico. I know that my father didn’t want to leave the country. But she was so persistent that he finally gave in. I felt that dad wanted to be close to us rather than far away. But as always, I felt that it had to be her way and not necessarily the best way. I was the first one to arrive at the hospital where she was after the accident. She had some fractured ribs and her arm was hurting, but okay. She was full of guilt, but I really do not know if it was because she had pushed him to leave the country or because they had caused the accident by arguing which was a usual thing for them to argue on the road. I will never know the real truth.
As you might imagine I had difficult time. I think that I was a good mother. I dedicated my life to the raising of the kids. At times, it was difficult because I would feel pains of depression. Although I had this feeling my husband was very understanding towards me and helped me the best way he knew how. I didn’t confessed to my husband about my childhood until 18 years into our marriage. He took it remarkably well. Only every now and then I could see some of his resentment against my mother. We, my brother, sister and myself always took mom lies as a matter of fact. We knew she was possibly lying sometimes, but we just let it pass without letting her know what she was doing. My husband was never able to do this. He knew when mom was lying and most importantly my mother knew that my husband knew she was lying. She somehow knew that he could see right through her.
One day I went to pick up my mother and a friend so that they could spend sometime with us visiting. During the visit my husband suggested to my mother to let him record, with a video camera, about her life-for the family and for future members of the family. Being the fact that we didn’t know how much longer we would have with her. He told her that she could tell about her childhood and my childhood. The very next day after this I noticed a grave change in her. Out of the blue she told me that I was a liar. That I had only stayed with my grandparents for two weeks and that it had only been one time that I was away from home! I felt as if I was being violated all over again. Now she is telling me that I was never sent away for that long. I didn’t know what to do or say but my time spent with her was pretty tense. I took her and her friend back home. But she was in a terrible disposition and so was I. While she was upstairs I was able to confide in my sister that mom was acting in a very terrible way towards me, but that I didn’t know what was going on or why. That same afternoon I went to see my son that lives in the same town as my mother and my sister. He was such a comfort to me. He told me that mom was feeling very guilty and that was the reason that she was acting hostile towards me. He also said that rather than experiencing a rejection from me she picked a fight with me. Out of fear that I would reject her. It made perfect sense to me and I left it at that. I was happy with his wisdom and I even felt a little compassion for her.
At this time my mother was living with my sister. And while I was talking to my son trying to make sense of everything she was telling my sister and her husband that my husband had been really cruel and nasty to her. She was genuinely crying and feeling terribly hurt. My sister and her husband were very worried. She told them that my husband had confronted her as to why she had left me for so long to live with my grandmother. That my husband wanted to video tape all this info and that he was going to show it to everyone, including his parents. Of course this never happened.
I would have been ostracized from the family had it not been for the fact that the friend was present the whole time that my husband was mentioning to my mother about the simple recording of her life. My sister verified the story with the friend and let it go at that. Thinking that mother was just making up things, and she hoped the whole incident simply stayed there with them. Well it didn’t, she also mentioned the incident with the same intensity to my brother. My brother then called my husband and myself and said very hurtful thing to the two of us. I got really hurt but since we believed that my mother had made this story a reality, specially in her mind, we decided that my husband would stay away from any family function on my mother’s side.
Now I feel that I should have a long talk with mom. However, I am scared to death. Scared firstly, to hurt her. Scared to get hurt by her denial. I know she will try to put the blame on someone else, anyone except herself. She will tell me what ever she thinks I want to hear. When in reality I just want the truth. If I confront her about all her lies she will go to my siblings and make another big stink about it. I just do not know. Should I keep all this to myself or talk to her? I really do not know how much time I have....Please help!