please move back in

[want marriage to work]

I have been married for almost 13 years and have known my husband for 18 years. He has decided to move out 3 months ago and we are still working on our marriage. We have not gone to a lawyer or anything like that. We have 3 children under 12 and they are with me. He moved in with his parents and therefore has no responsibilities at all. He doesn't cook, clean, do laundry but he is here with me every night after work. But if something else comes up, he doesn't come over but he will call and tell me. We really haven't talked about him moving back in but i'm feeling very lonely and being taken advantage of. We went on vacation and it felt like we were a happily married couple and then when we got back, he went back to his parents. I need him to make a decision but I don't want to pressure him. I feel like i'm making all the changes because i'm afraid he'll be gone for good if I don't and I don't feel he's serious about any changes because he knows i'm not going anywhere. I know he loves me and I love him, we say it all the time and have discussed this. Neither one of us is having an affair, or want to. I don't work and he is self-employed. I feel like everything else and everybody else comes first, and then I'm fit in when possible. I don't think that's what a marriage is but he says I have to learn that his company pays our bills and he has to tend to it first. I understand that but in desperate times, I think the family should come first. He's afraid if he moves back in that things will go back to the way they were; the arguing, and yelling and anger. How can I get him to understand that if we both want it to work, it won't go back to the way it was. We have come a long way, but unfortunately the communication isn't very good. He doesn't like to talk about things, he would rather ignore them and hope they will go away. I want to talk and resolve things, but there is too much defense when we try to talk and end up arguing. What should I do?

[Kate]

It is helpful sometimes to have some space from each other if things are not going well, but you obviously think that separation has gone on long enough. Do you think that you have got to the bottom of the cause of your difficulties? It doesn't sound as if you've had any outside help or counselling and you say communication is an issue, so presumably what you've got through the separation is the space to reflect.

In a way your husband is right not to want to come back to the same situation, so what can you do about that. There are a number of articles in the Relationship Basics (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/relbasictopic/) area and on Conflict (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffhurtforg/), which might be worth taking a look at. How are you at dealing with anger and frustration, and with staying calm when your arguing something through?

It's interesting, but my husband doesn't respond to issues in the same way I do. I like to get things resolved and straight. He prefers to think about things for a while and see how things develop. When I push him, he too can get defensive, even dig his heels in, because I'm taking away his autonomy (freedom to make decisions himself). Actually often what I need most is his reassurance that there will be some way through, rather than an instant wand waving solution. I've learnt not to rush into hasty decisions and he's learnt over the years not to put things off so much, so you can come to terms with these differences.

It also sounds as if you are feeling taken for granted and that needs addressing. A good place to start is by reaching out to him, taking an interest in what is important to him, affirm him in what he's doing for the family in supporting them financially. But hand in hand with that you need to let him know that you have emotional needs. You need support with the non-financial needs of the family. You need to know he loves you and values you. Sometimes men think that when women share their needs and concerns that they need to do something to solve the problem, so be specific about what would help you - a bunch of flowers occasionally, him to take one of the children out and spend time with them, help with the housework. It's very easy to get into the way of "You never..." "You take us for granted, you're never here." Instead try, "Tomorrow night can you take Peter to cubs." or "It's Penny's birthday next week, can you take her out to choose a present. She loves spending time with you" "Let's talk while I do the washing up. Here's a t-towel. How's your day been? What are the challenges at work at present?"

When the time's right he will see the change and hopefully want to come back. You might tell him you're missing him and you're looking forward to having him back when he's ready.

Keep working at it.

Best wishes