Marriage vows - forever or just 18 months?

[Ricardo]

Why do so many marriages fail so soon after marriage when couples have been living together for years before marriage? After a blissfully happy 6 years together including almost 4 years engagement, we married in January 2000. The most perfect church wedding followed by a wonderful reception with 100 of our closest guests. Everything to live for. Yet within 18 months my wife left our home never to come back. We went through the rituals of relate, but it was clear that her mind was made up by the time she left. We had worked hard together in our own business that was emerging to be successful. We were together for 24 hours a day 7 days a week which in retrospect was far too much. I was possibly too "controlling" a euphemism for caring. She came from a dysfunctional family with divorce at a critical age but she appeared to have coped pretty well with that - even though she refused to speak to her father for 7 years. She had been the apple of his eye and she had loved him dearly until he started to verbally abuse his wife and later ran off with his secretary. She described him as an ogre and until I suggested that it was time to build bridges with him, basically she totally barred him from her life. In the few times we met him she was cold and aloof with him.
My wife and I shared everything, we were honest with each other but above all we loved each other dearly and yet when she left me ( no one else involved) she could never explain why - other that she felt that we could live happily together for a time and then the same thing would happen again. She cut of all communications with me and now I do not know where she lives. The last few times we did meet and speak she reserved the same voice for me as she had with her father. So the two most important men in her lives had in her eyes let her down.

At our last meeting she told me she wanted to start a new life. She has therefore, I understand, obtained a new job as a nurse; has not contacted any of our friends and has "flown" away.

She said she still loved me but couldn't live with me. She is now suing for divorce. She wants half of everything. I am 53 and she is 36. There is nothing I can do - or is there? Help and advice is welcomed!

[Kate]

Dear Ricardo,

You bring up some very interesting points here. Your wife appears to have been badly hurt by her father leaving home. I find it interesting that there is quite an age gap between you and wonder if she was looking for a father figure when she met you. You did have a very long engagement. Presumably when you were going out and engaged for so long she felt safer because the commitment was not complete, but once you were married she may have succumbed to the belief that marriages cannot last. It may have seemed less painful for her to choose to leave you than stay until what she may have seen as inevitable that you would leave her like her father had. If she see you asa father figure she may now be making a bid for freedom like an adolescent might. You probably know best of all what she is thinking.

Sadly there is nothing we can do to persuade our spouse to continue in marriage with us. The court system in the UK encourages this. You could fight the divorce but it would be costly and in the end the courts view would be that one party does not want to remain in the marriage and the other cannot hold her to doing so.

If you have her address you might write to her and explain that you still love her and believe that any difficulties that you have could be worked through. Since it has got to the stage of her wanting divorce then you should certainly consider mediation, which will at least get you together in the same room, and encourage you both to think through the best way forward. Otherwise the danger is that going through the legal system will polarise the situation into a battle.

You can find out about mediation, your legal status and even a book called Divorce Remedy (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/citizen/whenover/divorceremedy/) which may give you hope, on this area (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/citizen/whenover/) of the site.

Have a look through and see what you can find that fits your needs.

Very best wishes

Kate

[Ricardo]

Dear Kate, Thank you so much to responding to my message. You seem to have hit the nail totally on the head and for that I am afraid I am going to bore you some more! You succinctly summed up the situation in which we find ourselves. My wife is almost certainly a victim of a self-destruct button caused by her past. Marriage was her goal and she almost arranged it single handedly with little help from her mother - which I would have thought is quite unusual. I was happily led up the aisle and both being Christians our vows are forever - and I'm sure she made the commitment as much as I did. She did the chasing initially but I grew to love her as deeply as she did me and when we walked up the aisle we were both the happiest people in Christendom. But your point about "safety in engagement" has never occurred to me before and you may be absolutely correct in your diagnosis. Once we were married perhaps she had obtained something she felt was not as good as she imagined and the reality of her parents situation became apparent. Easier to run away than to face up to reality.
Two points to make. Firstly, unless she resolves the situation about "flying away" from me to save confrontation and reality, the same thing will happen to her again. I want to see her happy either with me or away from me (preferably of course with me). Last time we spoke she did not see it as a problem. She wanted to make a totally new life and this meant not only divorcing me but also actively losing contact with all our friends. She brought about 3 friends with her when she met me. We now have many joint friends and many wanted to share her concerns but she spurned them by not replying to their phone calls so inevitably after 2 or 3 or sometimes 6 calls they gave up - quite understandably so. How can somebody at any age start again?. Is it possible to literally start a brand new life without carrying the scars of previous existences?. I can just about accept her reluctance to carry on with me ( her reasoning being that she thinks that if she came back to me it would be marvellous again for 6 months but then the same would happen again) but to forgo all our joint friends who were very real to her is difficult to understand. In your opinion is it possible for someone to set up a barrier to totally distance themselves from the past?
Secondly, if she needs some sort of counselling to address the problems of the past, who can suggest it - or must it come from her and her alone? I of course would be the last person on earth that could suggest such a course.
Thank you for your words of wisdom. They are much valued. I would welcome another reply.

[Kate]

Dear Ricardo,

I'm glad what I wrote has been helpful. Yes I think someone can convince themselves that they can cut off from the past, but as you say that isn't really possible. We carry with us the experiences and pain of the past and it cannot help but influence us. It has a different and more positive influence if we have faced it honestly, and forgiven ourselves and others, but pretending it never happened doesn't work. It appears from what you've said that it's long term commitment that your wife is struggling with rather than you yourself.

There used to be something called a judicial separation on the grounds of religious beliefs which I think you can ask for as an alternative to divorce, where you say you do not believe in divorce for religious reasons. I don't know if this still exists legally, but it might be worth investigating because it does signal to your wife your on-going love and commitment.

As to who can suggest that she gets help, that is not an easy one. Does she still have any connections with the church? Is there a Christian leader who she might listen to? You can certainly pray and get others to pray for her, that she might seek help. Are there any of your friends who would be prepared to commit to keeping in touch despite her rejection of the contact? Sometimes just sending the occasional card to remind her of their existence and love can just keep a door open and again speaks of unconditional commitment in relationship.

You might find Covenant Keepers (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/chapel/chapelserv/covenant/) or Married for Life (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/chapel/chapelserv/marriedlife/) have resources to help you. I'd also recommend the Larry Crabb books like The Marriage Builder (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/chapel/healthchristian/marriagebuild/).

Keep in touch

Best wishes

kate

[Ricardo]

Many thanks for your reply. Again you make a salient point that it is perhaps long term commitment that frightens her rather than me. Doesn't help me though!
No doubt many people read these messages and as such, more than anything else the sad lesson I have learnt, that others too may wish to share, is that one should not be blinded totally by love however wonderful that may be. One should get as well acquainted as possible with their partner's past. In hindsight I thought I could overcome everything because I loved her so much. I thought my love for her would carry me over the hard times that she had experienced. She was adopted, was badly let down by someone when she was in her 20s who professed his love for her. They talked about marriage but he said no as he was to enter the Catholic priesthood. Six months later he proposed and quickly married someone else. She was bulimic for a time. She did not maintain friendships and of course I have mentioned her own adopted parents' break up. She wrote in her journals a few years before meeting me (and I hope she never enters this website!):
" Not when you are alone in that inner room of the mind, where no one else could enter, and where you live - apart and solitary - with awareness, memory, conscience, fear. Alone from the moment you were born to the moment you died. Always and forever alone."
This wonderfully sad piece of poetry was written before she met me. But how sad and poignant. Perhaps you can understand how this can be written but for me - and I discovered it only after she had left me - it epitomises someone that has faced unacceptable hardships. Sadly only when the first signs of any disagreements in our marriage occurred she flew away. I would ask you please to pray for her. She is a kind and wonderful person who commits herself totally until things get difficult. Then she flies away. I would do anything to help her but she just doesn't want to know. She is being advised by her mother's partner who gave her away at the wedding who incidentally was having an affair with someone else at the time. My wife has forgiven him and he has given her this type of advice (as gleaned from emails between the two of them) - such as " forget his feelings but centre your thoughts on getting as good a financial settlement as you can." - " get yourself out of his clutches as soon as possible". "He would love to sit down with us all and have a frank discussion What would it achieve, I asked, and would only work if you were both committed to resolving the situation. In other words a total waste of time". "He has driven us both to drink and we have just downed ¼ bottle of whisky".
This probably reads as the clap track of my disillusioned mind. But the strange thing is that it resolves me more to care for her. She is so needing the help and love of someone that she committed herself to - as I have tried to do in our marriage.
Incidentally you spoke of judicial separation rather than divorce. Whilst we married in church and are both Christians, our depth of Christianity is not enough for that avenue. Neither of us are as fundamental as that, if that is a definition of fundamentalism. The point I was trying to make is that we believed deeply in our vows and did not, I thought, enter into them unadvisedly, lightly or wantonly.
There are a great many people on your site whose needs are greater than mine - but it would be good to hear from you again.
With every good wish.

Ricardo.

[Kate]

Dear Ricardo,

I have read your last posting. It's dreadfully sad when someone walks away and gives up on a relationship. Your wife seems to have been so badly hurt that she's lost hope that difficulties can be overcome and seems to think that nothing can last.

I still wonder if you could write to her even "care of" her solicitor and see if she's willing to meet up and accept mediation to sort things out. It would at least give you the opportunity to show her how much you care face to face.

It's interesting what you say about hoping that your love would carry you through the consequences of her hard times. It seems lots of people think like that - they marry alcoholics and think their love will make a difference or they marry someone who's been badly hurt and think their love will be enough. Their love may be enough for them, but if the damage in their partner is very deep then it may need professional help. The problem is often that the person who is damaged doesn't always have the will or courage to deal with their problems.

In the end there are issues that your wife has to face for herself. She could have sought your help in facing them, but she chose to run away. You can let her know that you still love her, but in the end she has to be willing to be loved.

Whatever else she won't let you do for her, you can always pray for her, even if you don't know where she is or what she needs right now. I will too.

Best wishes

Kate

[Ricardo]

Dear Kate,
Very many thanks yet again for your message. Thank you for praying for us. It appears to be the only thing left. Your suggestion of writing to my wife c/o of her solicitor had already been done about a month ago. Her letter was returned because even she (female solicitor) apparently didn't know where she was living at that stage. So I contacted her through her brother. He has not replied - neither has her mother or indeed anyone else connected with her. It is as if she (my wife) wants to erase the whole 8 years of our time together. And believe you me there have been wonderful times together - or so I thought. Good friends, wonderful holidays in Africa; South America as well as frequent trips to Europe and I thoought that day to day living wasn't bad either.
At first, she came to me and I was able to rebuild her life and give her confidence. I so well remember the first time we met. Her arms crossed looking at the floor and pretty down. She grew amazingly into a self assured confident woman - attractive and vibrant. About a year after our wedding, she seemed to revert gradually to her old self. Sure it is not entirely her fault. I didn't know how to handle her when she was down. I thought that by trying to give her advice and help it would help. As we worked together advice and help was probably the last thing she needed as epitomised in Men/Women/Venus/Mars. She needed more warmth and understanding than I was able to give at that stage. Perhaps secretly she knows, or thinks she knows, that the vibrant woman she became was not her real self - but a front to please me. Who knows?
One of the saddest things is that we combined a working holiday in South America with a beak for 8 days on a good Caribbean Island. In retrospect, things were not 100% perfect in that holiday but they were pretty good. We had all the time in the World then to discuss her problems - but I, sadly, was not aware of them - and she never raised the issues once. 10 days later she was gone. It took just 21 days for her mother's partner to give her a car, a flat and a bank account. Its as if he is the 'other man.' Rather than a newly married woman who used to return to her mother who would comfort and counsel her daughter and then tell her in no uncertain terms to return home to her husband, it seems that for some reason they immediately gave her the ability to be independent and said words to the effect that if you don't like marriage don't bother.
Probably the saddest thing however has been the realisation that my wife seems to be thinking that I am devious and untrustworthy. I may have been frustrated with her when she was getting "down". I may not have appreciated her as much as I should have done but she either does not want to enter into any sort of dialogue because she is feeling guilty ( which I doubt is the case as she will have justified her actions) or because she no longer trusts me. That hurts because in my wedding speech I suggested to our guests that if we were to take I Corinthians 13 and replace the word love with her name - that was all she appeared to be. Now for some inexplicable reason she seems to have turned into the complete antithesis of all that was in that lovely chapter.
If it wasn't for a strong belief in the teachings of Christ, I suppose one would shrug one's shoulders and accept it was a mistake from her point of view and for me to turn to solace elsewhere. That may at some stage be the inevitable result of all this. But when do I let go? How long do I keep torturing myself and ask others and you to pray for us as a united couple? But I knew when in Church I made the commitment to my wife - as she did me so wholeheartedly - that it was for life. I cannot get my head round the fact that somehow I have failed and must expect the inevitable. I know that God moves in a mysterious way but it is so difficult not to feel so guilty that I have let not only my wife down but God as well. After all a commitment is what it says.
I honestly think I have done all I can to address the problems we have in our marriage. The sad thing is my wife appears to have built up this massive wall and just doesn't want to know or doesn't want to face up to the realities in life. Your help has been tremendous - far more adroit than anyone else and also includes the Christian perspective. I only wish that you were available to offer help to my wife!
In all this I have probably built my wife up to be some sort of frail and defenceless person. She is however very competent with a good University degree and a RGN (nurse). She is a very deep person with lots of ability who is possibly lacking from self esteem.
Finally and on a different subject, did I read or did I dream that you were looking for people to help and assist on a study/compilation of marriage problems?. Please let me know if I am correct. I would be pleased to do anything that may in some way help others.
With every good wish

Ricardo

[Kate]

Dear Ricardo,

Which of us knows when we set out on a particular part of life's journey what lies ahead? We consent to marry, we vow to live in a particular way, but we have no guarantees that our loved one will honour their commitment to us. Each step along life's way, we make choices and we do the best we can to seek advice, to think and pray about it and then choose.

A friend who is going through a particularly horrible break-up at present was given wise advice yesterday - don't ask "why me" because there may not be an answer in this life. But it is a natural tendency in us to try and make sense of things. We believe there must be reason, but only God sees each person's heart and all the factors that lead them to make each choice.

Have you really failed? I expect, as in my own marriage, day by day you and your wife have made mistakes, fallen short of what each other needs, hurt each other. Who knows whether if you had done things differently it would have made a difference. It is good to be honest with ourselves to face up to our mistakes, seek forgiveness where we can and try to change our attitudes and behaviours so we don't act that way again, but we also have to forgive ourselves. To go to the heart of the Christian faith, we all fall short of how God wants us to live. Jesus died on the cross to set us free from the guilt of this sin. He has completely and utterly paid for your sins, so that you will not be punished for them in the end, and so you can make a fresh start. If you believe that He has done that, then you will forgive yourself and lay down the self judgement of guilt and not carry it like a weight that drags you down.

Your wife has chosen to walk away from your problems. We all have coping mechanisms to deal with the pain inside. She is probably a very intelligent and capable person, but there are things in life she cannot handle and cutting off from you is her way of dealing with those things. That is her choice and you cannot change that. I do however believe that miracles do happen, that people's hearts can be changed and that your marriage could be restored. Our culture encourages us to give up easily and go for quick relief and happiness. Your decision about how long to wait for her can only ever be yours alone. Perhaps the question you should be asking yourself is not "How long should I wait for her", but rather "What did my vows on my wedding day mean to me and how do I propose to go on living them out or not in the future."

We are all made for relationships, but there are a variety of relationships that we can be a part of. Each of these relationships can meet needs within us and help us on our way through life. The wider family and the different communities we are part of can all help in this. Seeking solace somewhere else is not something to be rushed into, because you will be doing just that, seeking solace and in danger of simply burying the pain, without dealing with it, and possibly of misleading someone else. Pain is part of the healing process as well as part of the original injury.

If the team here can be one of those communities for you, then that is very much what we are here for.

You asked about the research; You can find the thread about it [http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=661]here[/url].

I'm sure that the way you have shared your self and your struggles in your postings is already helping others out there who visit the forums.

All the best

Kate:)

[Ricardo]

Dear Kate,
Thank you again for your words of wisdom.
Some time has elapsed for me to reply because there is little more that can be said. Time is not proving to be a healer because when you have committed yourself to someone you have done just that. I can still not handle the lack of her commitment. Acceptance of my wife's wish to start a new life is becoming daily a reality but it was her that did everything to strive towards marriage. When she got there it was not the complete bed of roses she dreamed. With the help of her mother's partner she has probably justified the reason for her willingness to run away and start a new life. Not one of our friends has heard from her for 2 months now - including her bridesmaids. The only contact she has had ironically was with a close friend of ours who ran into her when she was leaving her divorce solicitors. All she said was "Don't tell him (me) that you have seen me." Why on earth not. Is this a feeling of guilt? Are you aware of many people that just want to totally irradicate the past. If so how do they survive any long term relationship?

You asked in your note about how long do you keep your vows. The correct answer probably is for ever; however reality must be faced and if she wants nothing to do with me, at some stage I need to find somebody. As you said we are built for relationships - most of us anyway! But regardless of all the advice that friends give, I feel that I have to wait for a long time yet. Perhaps when divorce becomes a reality the position will change. I have been advised to wrap our relationship up in a plastic bag and view the wonderful times we had as an oasis. It has to be a very special sort of person that can do that. Clinical and without many feelings.
There is perhaps sadly little more that can be said. I pray fervently for a solution that is right for both of us - but the point you make about how long I should wait is so difficult. Yes miracle do happen and it would be a miracle for something positive to happen. I believe in my marriage vows but cannot go through life just waiting - not because I want to rush into to something else. The thought of another relationship is so difficult. When you have had the permanency of believing in life together until death us do part, 18 months is but a grain of sand. If what you have had so recently that appeared so strong and good is blown away, it is difficult to trust again. I remember so vividly talking about second marriages and how they seem to fail so quickly. Neither of us believed it would happen to us - even though my wife had not been married previously. We vowed to each other at the time that this definitely wouldn't happen to us. But it has. I just feel so tired and let down. I have no feelings of animosity towards my wife - just sadness that something so good can be thrown away without trying. Having waited for the 'right' woman for so long and having been willingly led down the road of marriage, I believed in our commitment. I know that I love my wife but what must I do to start over afresh. Do I have to pity her or hate her or make her into an ogre that she isn't or just forgive and forget her and put it all down to the biggest mistake I have made in my life?
People are full of offering advice. "She obviously didn't love you; she is devious; find somebody else, you were too good for her" etc etc. Only she and I shared our innermost thoughts - there again perhaps we didn't.
Keep praying please!
Regards
Ricardo

[Kate]

Thank you for your posting, and for sharing your heart. It's hard to accept that life sometimes gets out of our control. I don't think any of us can take away your pain. I'm afraid I don't go for easy advice telling you how to numb the pain. The pain is a real expression of how much you love your wife and want go on being her husband. I don't want you to deny that love and longing that are a unique expression of who you are.

There are no clever answers that will bring her back or take away your pain. What we can offer you is someone and somewhere to share your journey through this pain, whatever the final outcome. We will continue to pray and listen.

Kate

[Unregistered]

Kate,
10 weeks have elapsed since I last wrote to you. Sadly I have actually nothing at all to report. I still have heard nothing from my wife and whilst the pain comes and goes like waves, it is still there. No real activity from solicitors apart from mine off his own bat writing a chase up letter to which my wife's solicitors issued a curt reply arguing over minutiae. Everyone advises me that it is time to let go. They are amazed how I can be clinging to straws when my wife has cut herself off from them as well as me. Yet I still believe in the miracle that has been talked about. I still cannot understand that someone can walk away from something so good and strong without trying to do something about it. These are probably the ravings of a sad pathetic person who for once in his life has been rejected. If I didn't want to put my arms round her, comfort her and tell her that this thing can be tackled together, then I could free myself not from my own guilt - because guilt doesn't enter into to it - but from the pain and uselessness that this is causing. Somehow I believe that she still secretly needs me - but I sometimes wonder whether that is just my own ego speaking.
I am sure that she will have built me up as an ogre by now. ( as she did her own father whom she cut off for 6 years). All I can ask is that you, with me, keep on praying in the hope that the longed for miracle happens. Otherwise when do I give up and how on earth do I go about it? The first question is rhetorical - only I can do that - but the second question is very real.
Many thanks
Ricardo

[Kate]

Dear Ricardo,

You are anything but sad and pathetic! You care deeply for your wife and your love isn't about getting something in return but wanting to be there for your wife whatever she has done to you.

There is perhaps a level where you might consider letting go and that is by placing her in God's hands and accepting that if she wants to be free then the most loving thing you can do is to allow her to be free. When I was a young woman I loved a man, but he chose someone else. I was devastated, but had to let go - I didn't want to destroy their lives by fighting the situation. I knew my love was something special, but I couldn't force it on him. I recall praying that God would bless them if it was right, but that if he was meant for me He would sort things out. I let go and nursed my pain discovering how I could stand alone when it was necessary. Some time later their relationship fell apart and I found my man again and married him!

It was hard to be rejected for someone else. It felt as if my world had fallen apart. There was a lonely deep well of pain inside, which I just had to nurse and allow to heal. At times I felt detached from what was going on around me almost in a dream, although I was still going through the motions of life.

My experience isn't the same as yours, but I hope you can find a little encouragement in it. You don't have to stop loving your wife ever, but you do have to come to terms with the fact that she doesn't at present want to be with you.

No-one can really tell you when to give up hope for your marriage - perhaps if the divorce goes through that has to draw a line under things. If that happens and I hope and pray it doesn't, then you will come through this pain and find hope for the future again. Your friends will be very important then and your Lord.

All the best

Kate:)

[Ricardo]

Dear Kate,
Many thanks for your last posting.
Returning to the theme of my original heading "Marriage is it for life or just 18 months", again I would value your advice. Nothing much has changed since I last wrote. But I need to reply to a letter received from my solicitor and I would value some Christian and wise input. before so doing.
In a nutshell my wife's solicitor has been asking mine for me to pay the petition costs. It seems unfair for me to do so when I do not wish to be divorced and the reasons stated on the petition are, to my mind (but not of course necessarily to that of my wife), normal day to day experience of two normal people going through a bad time.
My solicitor gave me 3 options. 1. Just to accept the petition and pay costs. 2. Accept it but ask for costs not to be awarded against me. 3. Defend the petition and put in an answer.
He advised the 3rd option and this we did.
He triumphantly writes back now that "the other side" will withdraw their claim for costs if I drop defending the petition. His "strong recommendation" is for me to drop defending the petition.
Strong recommendation seems solicitor speak for "You would be mad not to"
So some little man in a dingy office is playing politics between my wife and I.. He has no interest in preserving the integrity and the sanctity of marriage. All he seems to want to do is protect me in a financial way and to his mind saving petition cost is a great victory. It could well pale into insignificance when considered against the financial settlement that may need to be made
Everyone, I think yourself included, advises that to contest a petition for divorce is both costly and meaningless because if one side wishes to divorce, in the English courts inevitably that side gets its way. But my solicitor was advocating it until he got his little victory and my feeling is that anything to prolong the liturgy of divorce may in fact give my wife time to focus more on the wider issues.
So I have to decide about defending the petition (everything tells me to do this) or submit to accepting unreasonable behaviour on the flimsiest of grounds and allow something that I do not want to happen, occur. You suggested in a previous posting, that "There is perhaps a level where you might consider letting go and that is by placing her in God's hands and accepting that if she wants to be free then the most loving thing you can do is to allow her to be free."
It all depends on whether my wife is really doing this on her own free will. or whether she has no free choice of how she is thinking at the moment as a result of events that took place way back in her childhood. In other words do I treat her as being a person in control of herself now or somebody out of control that will get "better". Hence the marraige vows " in sickness and in ......" Surely if one is in control one can at least talk to the other person who has shared the most important things in life so recently .
Am I saving her from herself or am I just trying to defend the petition to justify my own ends. This comes back to the theme of this correspondence - marriage. Is it for ever or just 18 months?
I have to say that whilst I have talked with countless people, your advice seems to me sound, considered and so accurate. I was sorry to read in your last message of the grief you yourself had to suffer before it all came good.
I have recntly written a letter to my wife -I was on a sporting tour and one of the member's wives happened to mention that she worked in the same local hospital department - again asking for her at least to consider mediation but she appears either to be in total denial of everything associated with me or is being advised to have no communication with me, or a combination or possibly guilt.
I do not expect you to give legal advice but it would be good to hear your comments as to where I am coming from and indeed going to.
Best wishes

Ricardo.

[Kate]

Dear Ricardo,

Thank you for your posting. I'm glad that what I have said so far has been helpful, but I feel daunted at responding to your latest email.

I have always understood marriage as a commitment for life, and I can hear the love in your words - you long to be there for your wife and support her and be a husband to her.

Sadly we live in a society and age where wives or husbands can just walk away and the rest of society support them in doing that. As I have said before whatever commitment you have made you cannot force or even persuade your wife to contiue with the commitment she made to you. God gave us free will and that is how she has chosen to use hers.

As I have said before you don't ever need to stop loving her, but it does not look as though that love is lilely to be returned. I would never encourage you to give up hope, but you have to be realistic about life right now.

Your wife cannot be in any doubt that you love her, want her back and want to make things work. She still does not want to come back. I know you believe that damage from the past is preventing her, but there is nothing you can do about that except pray for her. Even if you saw her, do you really think that you could change her mind? Perhaps you do, perhaps you are hanging on to that.

It is now almost unheard of for anyone to be able to stop a petition for divorce by their spouse. In the end no court will force anyone to "stay married" when they are determined not to be. Your solicitor is duty bound to give you realistic advice. I'm not sure how well he has done so far, but he will almost certainly tell you that you will lose in the end and pour vast amounts of money into the legal system.

Yes it may be expensive settling your finances after a divorce, but what do you achieve by pouring a whole lot of your resources down a drain through legal action? You may however be able to insist on mediation to sort the financial things out which may well include face to face meetings with your wife. If your goal is to have the opportunity to see her, then that route may make it possible albeit that you will by then have accepted the inevitability of divorce.

All this is getting very close to advising on legal matters and I am not qualified to do this. If you would like a second opinion from an innovative firm, then you might try the Family Law Consortium (http://www.tflc.co.uk/). I understand that they are looking for ways to encourage couples to reflect on what they are doing and to use mediation. A second opinion might help you to see things more clearly.

In the end your wife may divorce you and walk away, but that can never negate the love you have for her and the commitment that you made to her. They are real and of value in this strange world that we live in. When we love unconditionally, we love and love without expecting or demanding anything in return. Your wife has to make her choices and live with the consequences of them and you are showing your love and respect for her by allowing her to do that, even if you believe that she is making a big mistake that will hurt you.

There is a future for you without her if that is what it comes to, and you have done all you can to make your marriage work.

I wish there was something more helpful I could say.

Wishing you the very best

Kate

[Ricardo]

Dear Kate
Yet again I thank you for your kind words. You did not seem at all daunted by your reply . I did not expect legal advice - just sensible advice and that is what you gave.
I started this correspondence on emotional lines as I am of course emotionally shattered but also the title was meant to encourage a wider discussion and that is where we are probably at now.
Whatever my feelings are for my dear wife and I think you know them pretty well by now, we are now into a totally different world - a world of practicalities and the law. In no way do I expect legal advice from you but probably a moralistic and possibly Christian shoulder to express my views.
You have suggested that I give in to the workings of the law because the law will have its way and if one person wishes to fly away from marriage there is absolutely nothing that can be done by the other partner. That the grounds for divorce come down to such petty issues as washing up and the way potatoes are peeled leads me to suggest that something is wrong with the law! Agreed if two partners fall out and there is a loveless marriage, perhaps divorce is the answer. But if it is because one partner is just fed up with the idea of marriage, either marriage should be made more difficult in which to enter or divorce made more difficult.

Widening this to a more general view of relationships, I would suggest that marriage be made much more difficult and only be allowed when 2 people are counselled deeply before marriage. I offer the suggestion that a form of in depth teaching be entered into and prospective "marriagees" should take some form of test to show that they understand the meaning of relationships and commitment. In the traditional marriage service the words are awesome and wonderful. I had been married before and,as a result, our local vicar came to see us. He was intent, quite rightly so, in ensuring that my intended had no influence in the breakdown of my previous marriage. As she was 15 when this happened and I was not to meet her for another 12 years, this was not a barrier! He assumed that we knew what we were doing. But clearly we didn't. Sadly, my wife never explained to me the reasons for totally rejecting and refusing to communicate with her adopted father for 10 years. She did not explain the lack of friends she had other than she moved around a lot and it was difficult to keep in touch. My love for her was unconditional and I accepted all she told me in the same way that her love for me was unconditional - the only difference was, I think, that I told her everything. I was not feeling guilt and had nothing to hide.

Incidentally, the vicar also mentioned that in his view remarriage in church was acceptable because when according to The Church of England, marriage was instituted by God for the mutual etc., the life expectancy of a marriage was about seven years, (One or other of the partners would die as a result of war, pestilence, disease or childbirth.). In retrospect in a positive way how lucky people are to be together for 30, 40, or 50 years. This I would have thought was a bonus - not a negative.
Divorce is eyed in the courts I understand as being totally blameless. Just a contract that went wrong. Gone are the days of private investigators. Everything is split down the middle with no blame attached. No wonder people can become acrimonious during this period. The number of divorces seems to be increasing rapidly and I wonder if you agree with me that there seems to be an increasing number of women under the age of 40 who quickly become disillusioned with their man and rather than doing something to sustain their marriage, walk away. In my wife's case 3 of her handful of friends had started divorce proceedings within 3 years of marriage. It seems an epidemic and there must be some solution! And it is not because of adultery.

Perhaps it is like childbirth. No woman tells another of the pain. It seems to be an unwritten rule. Divorce is all around but it wrecks so many lives. But it seems so easy to obtain. Even you (and no criticism whatsoever is intended) advise that it would be inadvisable to fight divorce. As the law stands I am sure you are correct, but surely in the not too distant future the sacredness and institution of marriage in its present form will cease to exist. Surely we must all face up to this and protect it, if not the theme of my original title will become true ( Marriage.. is it forever or just 18 months?).

If clearly as there is in my wife's opinion something basically wrong with our marriage and given the fact that we had lived together for 6 happy years before marriage and given the fact that we shared everything and worked together - which was probably in retrospect a big mistake (the working together not the sharing!) - and given the fact that my wife was absolutely committed to the preparation of our marriage ( her mother did the minimum possible to contribute to any wedding plans and so it was left to my wife -and me as a supporting role) perhaps this can be a warning to other people reading this to think very carefully about committing oneself.

In these days it is thought that marriage will answer the problems that exist before marriage. My wife told me that she thought everything would be better after marriage. I as a mortal man lived on in ignorant bliss. I thought everything was fine before marriage as it continued to be - until it wasn't. The need for communication is paramount.

I have rambled on for too long! But the need for the preparation for marriage so people understand what it really means is so important and if anyone foolish enough to read this far is not convinced that something needs to be done to educate participants into marriage, then this posting is wasted!

The problem is that, I doubt, no one that is intending to get married reads "marriage advice". Perhaps it should be mandatory reading for future participants into marriage!
With every good wish

Ricardo.

[Kate]

Dear Ricardo,

You've brought up some really interesting points here. Many people don't go into marriage with a sense of commitment and many of those who do have some sense of commitment have little idea how they are going to fulfil that commitment when things get tough.

Marriage preparation is getting more popular these days and certainly in USA couples cannot get married in the Catholic church without attending a marriage preparation course.

Many of the diocese over there use an inventory called FOCCUS (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/weddings/marlifeprep/preres/foccus/), which gives the couple a snapshot of their relationship which can then be used by a facilitator to get the couple to talk about their strengths and weaknesses. There may be areas that they have never talked about or avoided talking about. A good facilitator will get over to the couple that any problems or challenges ahead can be faced, but shouldn’t be ignored. They will help them to think about how they can and will handle differences and changes in circumstances. After the sessions with the facilitator, the couple can then attend marriage skills courses to help them with conflict resolution, communication, etc.

There are other inventory programmes like Prepare/Enrich (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/weddings/marlifeprep/preres/prepinc/) and both of these are available over here. Often couples are not aware of the benefit of marriage preparation but these inventories seem to help them to be open to seeking help and working at differences. Some educators believe that the first few years of marriage are key too and so offer courses and refreshers for couples in the "early years" or at the birth of the first child.

The inventory systems are catching on in the UK, and in fact one organisation Community Family Trusts (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/services/commarpol/) have been using them through churches and now through marriage registrars. They’ve even won financial support from the government to do this.

It’s interesting in the light of what you have been through that one of the features of these inventories is that they try and help individuals realise the influence of their family of origin and their past history. After all we learn how to make relationships during our childhood and tend to revert to past habitual behaviours when under pressure.

It’s a common mistake to think marriage will solve any problems. I think it’s one of the reasons why marriages after cohabitation have a higher rate of break up, because one or both of the couple are looking at marriage to solve some of the issues they have – instead their expectations are dashed because they haven’t actually dealt with the problems under the surface. Another problem is that folk who have been cohabiting see it as having been practice run for marriage and therefore think they know everything there is to know and don’t need marriage preparation. Most couples who have been married for while know there is still a lot to learn!

There’s no doubt that good marriage preparation can give most couples a good start and even stop some couples going into marriage at all. In the UK the government is slowly admitting this is true after several years saying there was no evidence that it helped at all. I think it will be a long time before Marriage Preparation is obligatory and I think that’s a good thing – having run marriage preparation courses, reluctant attendees don’t get much out of them! However, I do have a dream that one day it will be fashionable and socially acceptable to do some good marriage preparation before marrying. That would seriously improve the stability of marriages and eventually make in roads into some of our social problems so strongly associated with family breakdown.

I must say I’m a little surprised at your clergyman who thought remarriage was ok on the basis that couples never used to stay married for very long because their spouse probably died before they’d got tired of each other! I know lots of couples who are happily celebrating 25, 35 or even 50 years of marriage, so it can be done. Acceptance of marriage after divorce is to me more about the fact that God is a God of forgiveness and doesn’t expect a wounded partner to suffer because they have been deserted. If you look in the Old Testament, it’s always the wronged and vulnerable that He is concerned for.

I think that relationship skills have been gradually lost as family breakdown becomes more common and people get busier and spend less time together. The Community Family Trusts are committed to encouraging relationship skills training right through our life time, so they may also work in schools, antenatal classes etc. There are also programmes like Students Exploring Marriage (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/university/schoolres/semar.html) which help students at school to find out what makes marriages tick by interviewing married couples. Some of the results of that is that they seem amazed at the effort couples put in to make their marriage work, and how they can still be happy after years of marriage. I think these are the youngsters who will perhaps set the fashion for marriage preparation in future, because they’ve learnt early on what a marriage needs to survive and flourish.

It’s also a shame that the media seems to portray marriage in such a negative way. NFPI published a report (http://www.nfpi.org.uk/data/research/docs/soapstoryforweb.rtf) recently on family life in soaps. The soaps appeared to show many conflicted and crisis ridden families. Mostly they offered different perspectives on each situation and did not try to be educational but entertaining. Families headed by a male and a female parent were under-represented in the television programmes except The Archers. Consequently, the family structure still most prevalent in society currently (75% of families) did not feature highly in any of the television programmes. Hence these television programmes cannot be said to address the question of how the stresses of every day life are dealt with in the 'average family'. I'm sure this must influence attitudes to marriage and making it work.

One of the reasons this web site was set up was in the hope that couples getting married would find it, and realise that there was more to life than the wedding and perhaps come back once they were married to find information to strengthen their marriage.

You’ve given lots of food for thought Ricardo. I’d be interested to hear your comments on all this.

Best wishes

Kate

[Ricardo]

Dear Kate,

Thank you for your prompt and full reply. Now you are asking me for my comments. I am honoured!
This could well ramble on a bit as there is little time to structure a logical reply.
Incidentally it was always difficult for my wife towards the end to differentiate between what she felt as sarcasm and what I intended as humour. So when I say I am honoured above, I do feel a sense of well-being that you are asking me for my comments!
I will pick at a few of the cherries you have thrown me.
Firstly soaps. I don't actually watch them apart from the occasional Coronation Street about once every two months but I do listen to The Archers. Now this is possibly the worst time you could identify the Archers as being representative of middle England! . Last night was the culmination of months ofdeceipt, lies and a love child and who knows what else. Brian has at last been found out by his daughter, Debbie, who herself has just found out about her own husband, Simon, having an affair even though they were supposed to have made up and the mother of Brian's love child is Irish! Where will it all end - I fear for Debbie personally.!

So is this real life? Yes it very probably is! So this week perhaps it is not the perfect example but generally speaking yes The Archers is accurate.

Getting back to the real world, it was very good to read that there the birth of pre marriage counselling has happened.

One of the things you wrote to me some time ago was that " It's interesting what you say about hoping that your love would carry you through the consequences of her hard times. It seems lots of people think like that - they marry alcoholics and think their love will make a difference or they marry someone who's been badly hurt and think their love will be enough. Their love may be enough for them, but if the damage in their partner is very deep then it may need professional help. The problem is often that the person who is damaged doesn't always have the will or courage to deal with their problems"
You have also mentioned several times the point about unconditional love. If this is used in the same context as above it is almost a paradox.. Many people fall in love and that love is totally unconditional - as it should always be - but the person to whom they give so much love can well be an alcoholic or drug addict or come from a dysfunctional family. The irony is that something within them may well be attracted to that frailty and they desperately want to help. ( Men on white shining armour) but they probably need to be protected from themselves. In my own particular case perhaps had we received some sort of pre-marriage help, we would either have come to terms with the situation or have decided to go our separate ways. Either decision would have in the cold light of day been preferable to where we are now.
The main issue is the ability of a couple to talk openly and frankly about any problems that surround their relationship. There were "no go" areas of my wife's past that she wouldn't talk about and I just accepted this because I loved her. I didn't want to upset her as she clearly didn't want to talk about her bulimic past and the reasons for that; the way she had cut off her father and so on.. It hurt her so much to talk about these things that I never got to understand how these things affected her past and present life and how they would affect us as a couple in the future. She loved me unconditionally and it appears, in retrospect, that I was her way out to a new fresh better life. Sadly, this went wrong and now she is doing the same again. Counselling I am sure would have helped but I am concerned in general terms that love is blind and all forgiving. It is difficult in a times of great love to even consider that a problem exists - let alone doing something about it. Love and calculation are not in the same vocabulary!

My wife left me on September 12th last year. After she had been set up in a flat by her step father, we saw each other again after a break of about 5 weeks. Then we went to relate for 5 or 6 sessions but it appears that a barrier had already been erected in her mind. One of the things she said in relate and also to our friends was that she thought marriage would solve the problems that she had with our relationship. I, of course, being poor dim male had no idea there were any problems. So again, counselling would have probably helped to bring out into the open any issues that had been lurking.
Marriage Preparation classes cannot be mandatory - if they were they would be a failure but your idea of making them fashionable is very good. Perhaps when the banns are read in Church at the same time it can be announced which particular marriage preparation classes they are attending! No seriously it could work.

I am indebted to your lengthy reply to me and will look at the rest of the links more fully later, but in the same way there is sex education there should be marriage education and I applaud the idea of students finding out what makes marriages tick by interviewing married couples. They probably never have even considered their own parents' marriage and the interviewing is probably the only antidote to the weekly routine of television life that is taken as norm.
I slightly want to alter alter tack here. I just about remember the teachings of no sex before marriage. In the 1960s the World changed dramatically - probably more to the influence of the contraceptive pill than anything else. The idea of experimentation was all around and peer pressure to have sex was immense. I wonder now that the freedom that women have because of the pill they know how to handle. Liberation for women is both a positive and negative issue. So many women now under the age of 40 seem to be far more assertive than the previous generation. Not only does this not necessarily make them happy unless they can deal with the issues, it also makes mere mortal men worry more about how they can handle their new assertive ladies!

I cannot help but think that the people that now hold off "making love" until at the very least they are in love are happier people long term and this in the end may lead to stronger relationships. The idea of sex for the sake of sex seems to me to debase human beings to an animal level and however gratifying it may be at the time, it has to lessen the later stability of most marriages. To read some of the problem pages in the chat rooms suggests that it is common practice to have all sorts of partners on the side and values of integrity, trust and respect have disappeared.

So to summarise, pre marriage education is a must - but that is likely only to catch a percentage of 'marriagees' of those who are married in church. We still need to educate those who marry in a registry office. If or until those responsible for setting the standards for education, television programmes, morality and family virtues are made more aware of their responsibilities to society, those that marry in a register office may have little chance of counselling.
I think I probably read just a little to the right of Victor Meldrew in all this!
It is late and I am sorry if my reply is not as coherent as it should be. I hope this answers some of the points you so eloquently made.
I hope the points I make are not too outspoken and that you will continue to reply! I am beginning to need ny fix from Kate!

All the very best,
Ricardo.

[Kate]

Dear Ricardo

Thank you for your posting. Sorry that I haven't replied to your posting earlier in December. Life has been a bit busy. You brought up some interesting points. A lot of the issues you highlight would come to light when couples use the inventories like Prepare adn FOCCUS before marriage.

As you say couples fall in love and at that point love unconditionally - the trouble is that that love may be unconditional, but it is often blinded. It's often about winning each other rather than facing up to the realities of who you each are and what challenges lie ahead.

I don't think there is anything wrong with your outspokenness about what you see happening around you and what you think about it. Some of these issues need airing and hopefully others will read your posting and think about them.

I wonder how things are going with you.

Best wishes for the new year - we all hope that 2003 brings you some new hope and happiness.

Kate

[Ricardo]

Many thanks for your last message. A happy and peaceful New Year to you. You asked me how I was getting on. Christmas and New Year is not a good time for so many people in emotional vacuums.
Added to that today is our 3rd Wedding anniversary and all the happy memories of that wonderful day come speeding back to me.
I was not expecting any communication from my wife through out this period and I was not disappointed. I sent her a present via a friend that is in contact with her, but there was no acknowledgement. She sent just a couple of Christmas cards to joint friends sending all her love. (Even though she had not been in contact for 6 months or more). They are more upset that she wrote to them because there was no way of them contacting her. So here we are 36 months of marriage and 17 months of that marriage we have lived apart.
We had about 5 meetings at Relate when my wife first left me. On the final meeting, I went on my own. I remember the Counsellor telling me the various stages of griieving but I have forgotten them. Anger was one of them but I have no anger whatsoever towards my wife. I just have a deep feeling of sorrow, waste and hopelessness for a marriage that could have been saved but wasn't. My anger I suppose has been reserved for her mother's man who did all he possibly could to prevent a reconciliation.
Anyway the point I am trying to make is that if in the end it is necessary to "move on" (a dreadful phrase that really means giving up) is it necessary for everyone to go through this cycle of grieving. If so tell me, please, what are the various stages so I can get them out of the system as quickly as possible!
If I have to let her go and commit her to God's love and caring, please pray that he keeps a special eye out for her. She is a special woman - one in a million - but she does seem to have a self destruct button.
Ricardo.

[Kate]

Dear Ricardo,

Sorry that I haven't responded sooner. I wanted to do a bit of research to see if I could find something helpful to respond to your questions. I remembered some material on grieving somewhere and I ran it to ground on the Cruse Site. The article is called Coping with a major personal crisis (http://www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/coping_with_a_major_personal_cri.htm). It isn't directly about what you've gone through but some points in it may be valuable. I also found an interesting article (http://www.singlefathering.org/ch8.htm) aimed at single fathers, but very relevant even when there are no children involved.

Another direction you could consider is contacting Divorce Recovery Workshop (http://www.drw.org.uk/index.html) which holds workshops to help people face the pain of separation and divorce.

If things don't work out with your wife, I'm sure you'd like to get the pain and grieving over and done with quickly. Unfortunately the process can't be rushed, because you don't know when you start out what may come to the surface to be dealt with, but you are so open to learn and explore what help is available, that I am sure you will find your way through it all.

One of the articles talks of loss of control and that is what you've had to face, but you still have lots of choices in the rest of your life. You still have your life to live and you can make it count in other ways.

All the best

Kate



:)

[Ricardo]

Dear Kate,
You last wrote in Mid January and tomorrow is April 1st. The months seems to fly past and I have become heavily involved with working hard and playing hard. There appears to be no lack of social life and and sport.
The pain is slowly becoming less severe and a certain numbness has crept in. I have read the information you suggested - thank you for this. But my behaviour and moods do not seem to reflect how the grieving process should proceed!
I have not heard from my wife or her solicitors' at all this year. I contacted her brother who passed a message on to her that it was time we talked about financial matters. She was going to think about it but of course has done nothing.
She has not been in contact with any mutual friends for many months now save for 2 Christmas cards. I would imagine that this new life is a life of withdrawl and one of hiding ones feelings until they come back to haunt in later life.
She seems still to refuse all contact with me and even the divorce proceedings have died a death. It continues to be so frustrating. I think I have come to terms with the fact that she wants nothing to do with me - even though secretly there is a side to me that still believes in a miracle. We need to get some ongoing financial matters sorted out and I have little stomach to resort to solicitors to do this - in terms of cost and acrimony. But short of confronting her at work, I am powerless to do anything. I can imagine her shock at me turning up to the hospital where she works but is there an alternative. You of course realise my deep feelings for her and in no way do I wish to confront her, but if she continues to be just thinking of herself and not of the effect it is having on me, what other course of action is there?
What makes a person behave like this? It seems totally bizarre that the person who loved me so much - as I did her - is behaving in this way. It may be a defence mechanism but it is doing neither of us any good and it cannot be healthy to just run away from what has happened. Its almost as if she has no control of her actions.
All the best to you,
Ricardo

[Kate]

Dear Ricardo,

Good to hear from you. I'm sorry there doesn't seem to be any progress. You are still "in the dark" about your wife's intentions. She seems determined to bury her head in the sand at the moment.

As to how to proceed legally, it's difficult isn't it. Did you get round to contacting the Family Law Consortium (http://www.tflc.co.uk/) who I mentioned in an earlier posting. Is there no chance of requesting mediation to try and get you together and sort things out calmly and sensibly? You could certainly do with some advice about which financial commitments need sorting out and which can be left.

You mention the articles on grieving we sent you. They were only meant as information. When I looked it seemed that although there were typical phases grieving went through, we are all unique and so will experience the grieving differently. Also there must be differences between the effects of a final loss like death from an open-ended loss that you are experiencing where you don't know whether it is the end or not and you know your wife is there to speak to if she were only willing to. You're just kept hanging on.

Eventually you may have to take steps to meet up with her and sort out what she really wants, if only to discover whther you need to get on and rebuild your own life.

I wish you well - difficult decisions ahead.

Kate

:)

[Ricardo]

Kate
9 April 2003.
You are a wonderful help and tonic to me!
Ironically, I heard this morning from my solicitor enclosing a letter from my wife's solicitor dated 1st April. In England - and I have no idea where you are based - is April fools day - the day for poor jokes. Dates are so meaningful and my wife ( who has now apparently changed her surname back to her maiden name I sadly learnt today) first contacted her solicitor on the anniversary of our wedding; told me that she wanted a divorce on Valentine's day, and basically rejected me on the anniversary of the day we got engaged.
It seems that our marriage is over so the prayers and help you and so many friends have given are in vain. Even now I cannot believe that she has it in her to do this. She appears to be resolute in this wish and there is nothing I can do. She rejects mediation. She wants her freedom; a new life and it is doubtful we will ever see each other again unless the divorce becomes so bitter with regard to financial matters that we have to appear in court.
This is a Christian site. It is clear to me from what you have written that you are a Christian as I am and so is my wife although we hardly ever prayed together. It makes me so sad that the differences we had could not be resolved although way back at the beginning you offered advice as to why this has happened and you were probably absolutely correct.
But all this does make me question God's purpose. Marriage before God and as witnessed by our friends was all that my wife desired. She was resolute in this. And of course so was I. I have had a very good life and have been incredibly lucky throughout it. God has been good to me and I do realise this. But I wonder sometimes what purpose there is to all this. True He gives us freedom of choice. We are not manacled. In Him we trust and have our being.
But now the real fight will start. It appears that her heart is hardened. She is being advised by people who have their own agenda. I know that I would have given my life for her. Now I have to fight my battle and sadly it will be against her. I wish it were not so. But today she is seeking half I own and bearing in mind our age difference and the shortness of our marriage I must defend myself otherwise I will have to work to a ripe old age. So there will be acrimony, hate and the wonderful times we have shared together will be meaningless. I doubt there is advice you can now give -only a shoulder to cry on - but despite what I have said please pray that whilst we may entering into this deep hole, God is guiding both of us. I hope throughout I may remain honourable and fair to my wife and that she in return may come to understand that whilst I still want for us to be happy together if she continues to pursue this course of action I have to defend myself from all the unjustified advice of her advisors.
What a sad sad end to a marvellous 7 years.
Kate, I want to thank you for all your help. I didn't realise that one could become so attached to a real help line on the Internet. You have done all you possibly could to help and I appreciate it so much.. It must be so frustrating to hear from so many people whose marriages go astray. If only people were aware of your site at an earlier stage of the breakdown but I'm not sure how you achieve that.
Yours
Richard

[Kate]

Dear Ricardo,

I felt very sad when I read your posting. You have gone on loving and wanting the best for your wife through all this. It seems she has set her heart like flint and is determined to go. It's heart rending when someone you love decides to walk away. It makes one aware how helpless we really are.

I'm sure the Lord doesn't want this for you or for her, but he doesn't force any of us to do what is right - he allows us to choose and who knows how much her past has influenced those choices. This life is messy and full of pain and will be until the kingdom of God is established one day.

All this probably will never make much sense to you, but the one thing that keeps me going through difficult times is the belief that God loves me and has a future for me and for those I love. It is quite literally a matter of faith and tough at times!

I hope you can get some wise legal advice and find a fair settlement. I pray that you will be guarded against cynicism and bitterness as you face the legal battles ahead. It's not going to be easy. I'm glad you don't have any children to be concerned about and to add to the pain.

Why? is a typical question when life gets tough - here's a better one perhaps: Where next, Lord, with you? One of my favourite times is dawn breaking over the hills - the promise of a new day full of possibilities....


Keep in touch

Kate :)

[Unregistered]

I tried one final reconciliatory letter to my wife in April. I wish I could relate a happy outcome to you but no, things have just got worse. Eventually I received the coldest calculated response from her. No sorrow, no remorse just a list of financial demands way beyond any moral or legal boundaries. So I have done some detective work and learnt only yesterday that she appears to have been living with someone - presumably cohabiting - for some months now. So all my concerns; heartache and prayers for her well being and vulnerability have been in vain. There is no fool like an old fool and the wonderful person I knew does indeed have another side; I disbelieved everyone but they were right and I was wrong.
Its difficult to be comforted now but I am amazed that the woman who I thought I knew so well appears not to be the woman I know at all. With whom I thought we discussed everything.
I waited so long for the right woman to marry. Everything I thought was perfect. It certainly has sapped my confidence and it will be a long time before I can begin to trust again.
The anger stage that most people seem to go through is fast approaching - but it is anger with myself for being such an idiot to trust someone so much. Perhaps I am attracted by frail and vulnerable people who I want to help and build up. Perhaps I need to face reality?
Anyway 18 months or forever is the title of this page. I know the answer now. 18 months.
Richard

[Kate]

Dear Ricardo,

You must be feeling devastated! I wonder what hope her present relationship has of success!

You have given her everything, and although you may feel you have made a fool of yourself, I think that you took a risk because you loved her and were committed to her. I'd rather be a whole hearted fool than a half hearted, safe, ungenerous person.

Another stage to the grieving must be on its way and worked through. I hope that one day you will find someone worthy of your love and trust and they will be really lucky to find you! Don't lose faith in people - there are some good ones out there.

Kate :)

[Ricardo]

Dear Kate
Thank you for your last message. Its so good to know that you are always here for all of us.
You kindly suggested Divorce Recovery Workshop to me recently. I signed up and attended and have just returned. Here are my thoughts for your analysis please.
Many different people from many different stages of divorce attended. From someone still coming to terms with it after 15 years divorce (female) to a male who was still living at home with his wife (of 23 years married) who seems to have done all he can to try and save a loveless marriage but whose wife is adamant that nothing can be done.
I don't know if you are familiar with DRW. Founded by a minister Bill Flanagan from California, whilst it was based on Christianity there were few mentions of it. The weekend was based on a series of videos and then split into small discussion groups.
The premise was that the marriage was over and that you needed to start again. "to grow through divorce not go through divorce"
Love was never mentioned ( I suppose it isn't in these meetings) and I was surprised that many of the facilitators (whatever that means) appeared to be quite bitter towards their "ex", which for me is a particularly cold word, and it is difficult to understand. The marriage vows were also never mentioned, not surprisingly, but for me that is the major dilemma.
I suppose the point that I am making is that whilst the weekend had so many plus points, I think everyone that I had spoken to had accepted that their marriage was over. Because of my wife's background and her vulnerability and her frailty and her unloved upbringing, I feel that I am so responsible for the state she now finds herself in. You asked what chance does her new relationship with this new man have. Probably 3/100!. Yes I suppose that I must let her go but most of the others on the course talked in pretty derogative terms about their husbands and wives. I look beyond that and feel that she is suffering from the pains of the past and has acted accordingly. It is not her fault and I have to be there because she may one day need me. Somehow I have got to get away thinking about that. I just wish that our marriage had run its course. If indeed there was no future even accepting such a wonderful start, for her to be persuaded to give up by her step father, is a pretty futile reason for walking out of the marriage . She is a wonderful kindly caring and compassionate woman - for her to have behaved like this either means that I was totally intolerable, or that her strings were being pulled by her stepfather or that she is sick in the biblical sense of the marriage vows. I do not know the answer - you do not and she definitely does not.
I am always grasping at straws - even now. The irony of the weekend is as follows:-
You suggested DRW. (Absolutely no blame attached!). I found it on the Internet. Applied and attended at a city some 130 miles from Stratford. Purely by chance, on the course was a lady - one of the facilitators - who attends church with a close female friend who was for a time a graduate ex-employee of mine who was probably closer than anyone to my wife. In fact she was one of the very few in contact with my wife since she left me. Not only that but the facilitator works at the same hospital that my wife has worked at and is probably still working at. This I think is almost too coincidental to be an accident. What does it all mean.. it is pretty spooky. (The course was advertised on the Internet and participants were welcomed from all over the UK -why was someone on it that had a direct line to my wife - surely its more than luck; the chances of winning the lottery are as small!)
I have emerged from the course with a little more feeling of self belief and I suppose selfishness thinking of me rather than anyone else. I owe it to myself to grow. Yet I did all this just a short period of time ago. I trust in God; I wait for inspiration - not all is bad; I have many very good friends and yet I waited for 20 years to find what turns out to be the wrong woman and now this coincidence happens!
Strange old world?
Ricardo

[Kate]

Yes it is a strange old world. It's unexpected to find folk on the course who you know like that. It's sad but not-surprising that there was a lot of bitterness amongst those attending, but I would have expected the facilitators to have found some healing from past hurts with their spouses. Perhpas there was no obvious reason for their partners to let them down except for selfishness, whereas you understand some of the difficulties your wife has had to face.

Having just checked the DRW material, I see that the facilitators are in some ways still working through their feelings and issues, but are just at a different point on their journey. They don’t seem to be selected as experts or as having “come through” it all, but as being able to facilitate and keep on growing for themselves. That perhaps explains why there was still so much bitterness around. This was group of people still struggling through the pain.

I think that your courage and willingness to forgive your wife are very positive examples for others, but don't then put yourself down saying it is your responsibility that your wife is where she is now. Many folk when they marry think they can love their spouse out of their damage and even addictions, but that is a tall order. A partners love can go a long way to comfort and allow and support healing, but some problems need different sorts of help. You will often hear it said that you can’t counsel someone and be their friend, so the same probably goes for husband and wife.

I think what a friend or spouse can do is to create the atmosphere and safe place where someone can seek help and healing. In the end they have to choose to seek that healing. If the past damage is very deep they may be so afraid to face the pain and rejection that they cannot bring themselves to do so.

In a way, I’m not surprised that love and vows were not mentioned, because it is assumed that those attending have come through a complete breakdown of their relationship, but when I think further it is a bit odd. There must be questions in attendees minds about, the nature of love, the pain of pouring it out and not having it returned, questions of well how do I make sense of the vows that I made? Perhaps these are seen as too challenging questions for most at this stage.

From what I know of DRW, it is a place to explore and reflect on your feelings about what is happening or has happened to you, by talking in a group with people in a similar situation. The growth comes from within you rather than from outside advice or direction.

I’m glad there were lots of positives. If at some point in the future you would be willing to write about your impressions of the workshop so others could see whether it had anything to offer them, we could put it on the site here.

Are you still grasping at straws or is it that you deeply care for this woman who was your wife. What does it say in I Corinthians, Love never fails/gives up, but unconditional love pours itself out without expecting any return. It’s relatively easy to love someone when your love is returned. No-one can ever stop you loving your wife even if she has walked away. Perhaps one day you will be able to understand what it means to have loved and yet to go on living without the one you love. I suspect that to do that you need to really know that you are loved by the One who never lets you down or stops loving you. I pray that with the support of good friends and family you will come to know the reality of that love and the value that it gives you.


Kate :)

[Unregistered]

Dear Kate,
Thank you for your last message. Things seem to be coming to a head now. It seems to me to be inconceivable for me to be writing in such a way when 3.5 years ago the World was our oyster.
Suddenly things have started to move on apace. I cannot go into too much detail but suffice to say I understand that the woman who craved so much for marriage and a future together with me for ever as recently as 2000 AD is now living happily with someone else and planning a long term future together - just as she did with me. This has been going on for a year mow and all my turmoil and heartache has been in pain. He even has his own business which is expanding and she is contemplating giving up her job to work with him - just as she did with me. They are planning a happy event as soon as she is able which presumably means marriage when she is divorced from me.
You probably know me quite well by now and on the whole I consider myself to be pretty reliable; sometimes emotional but honesty , integrity, loyalty and truth are at the top of my agenda as I thought they were with my wife. In truth I never should it as much as I should but it was there.
I find it very hard to understand how someone so desperate to get married can suddenly walk away and, after only 18 months of marriage, within 2 months find the next true love of her life. I understand they are planning to marry as soon as she is free. It really does hurt so much when we committed ourselves in the sanctity of marriage just 3.5 years ago now for this to happen. Friends give it little time before the same thing happens again. This gives me no consolation.
I Corinthians 13 verse 7 says: " Love never gives up; and its faith hope and patience never fail." Perhaps I didn't demonstrate my love too well and often became frustrated but my love never failed.
We often talked about marriage and divorce. We often talked that we could never understand people who married only to divorce quickly. Yet it happened to us. My heart is hardening and I feel so helpless. My wife was the helpless one when we first met. I did everything to build up her confidence .Now she appears not to have a care in the World, blissful in her new commitment.
Her demands on me are manifold financially speaking. She wants a great amount of my assets. Perhaps after almost 2 years I am finally experiencing anger - but not in the way most people are angry. It is sadness tinged with pity. My interpretation of events are that my wife is either obsessive or infatuated with people. She was totally devoted to us and she actually asked me to marry her. She was wonderfully devoted until the day she wasn't! She dropped me like a brick; didn't try to make anytime for reconciliation; dismissed me and all our friends and just moved on to another life in another world. She has no roots and no friends apart presumably from those she has now made with her new man ( just as she did with me). I guess she is a child that has never grown up.
Matthew Chapter 21 verse 21 ( the bit about the fig tree) " I assure you that if you believe and do no doubt, you will be able to do what I have done to this fig tree". Some of me believes that ask and it shall be given to you - the major bit of me says that I should get a life; forget her as soon as possible and "move on"
I suppose even though I appear to be totally conned and I should free myself from her immediately, sill through my wedding vows and internally I feel that she is so misguided that underneath it all she still needs me. Sad isn't it?
Perhaps I should help the people overseas less fortunate than most of us - not an idle thought incidentally!

I have the most wondeful friends who have supported me through all this.
My wife of course has one new friend. She has left everything for him - just as she did eith me. Please pray for her happiness.
Many good wishes to you
Ricardo.

[Kate]

Dear Ricardo,


Sadly, my initial response to what you have written was to wonder how long your wife’s new relationship will last without her dealing with the issues she has accumulated over the years. As you say that doesn’t console you, but at least it helps to make some sense of what has happened.

I actually believe that there is real value in us loving and caring for others unconditionally and that means not expecting anything in return. The love and commitment you have shown your wife does have value. It is part of your dignity and integrity, which no-one can take away. Love has value in being given, not in whether it is accepted or successful in some way. When we reach out to another in relationship, we cannot guarantee or force a response. If we tried to it would devalue what we are giving, but it means that we can be rejected or misunderstood. I am so sorry that you have been so hurt. I know that the Lord will understand what you are going through.

God does answer our prayers but never by forcing others to do something they do not want. I believe that He sees a bigger picture and wants your wife’s healing even more than you do. He will not give up on that.

You, however, have reached a place where there is little more that you can do for her, but seek a just settlement of your financial affairs with her, and let her go. I don’t mean forget her, you can continue to pray for her.

Letting go on someone is incredibly hard – as a parent I’m going through something of it with my teenagers right now.

There are some things in life that are very difficult to make sense of. Sometimes we just have to accept that we won’t understand them in this life and keep on placing the situation into the Lord’s hands. He knows, He hears and He loves you.

Kate
:)

[Ricardo]

Thank you for your continuing support. It always seems to be late at night when I receive your message.
My last note to you was written at the height of the most recent upheaval and is full of spelling mistakes but I hope it made sense.
Since then my emotions have strangely become calmer rather than angrier. To have learnt of her deceipt and lies and non acceptance of our commitment to one another has in fact helped me. Whilst we were apart , I thought my wife was grieving and removed from the life and friendships we made together. Now it is clear that past friendships - and my case husband - meant little to her and in some ways I feel relief that I need no longer to feel responsible for her.
If her newish relationhship gives her short term or even long term commitment then I, in part, are happy for her that she is content in it. It appears that she is very happy in this new relationship and I in a strange way feel I am handing a sick person to him in the hope that he will look after her.
But I fear a breakup will happen whether it is in one month one year or five years. She was almost obsessed in making a future for "us". In a very short period of time she is now intent on making a new "forever" relationship. She will devote herself to this new man and act as if the future is fantastic and damn the past she had with me and indeed before me.
It has allowed me now to look to myself for my own future happiness relatively strong in the knowledge that whatever we shared was transitory.
Books that I keep reading suggest that I should build up in my minds eye all the bad points in our relationship and dwell on those to expunge all that was good in her and concentrate on those areas which perhaps led to our short term quarrels. She started to mistrust me because once I said in anger ( for which I will always regret ) that it was lucky she was not pregnant at that particular time; despite so many times we talked about our future family and life style as a family. I find it difficult to accept that she believes the one bad thing I say rather than the hundred positive things I say. But perhaps it is necessary to try and understand where she is coming from. with a hstory of doubt and mistrust.
The fact of the matter is that I still pray for her for her future happiness. It is dificult to believe that she who was so desperate to marry me can now be desperate to marry someone else and can fall into exactly the same role and pattern that happened with us. Nevertheless I pray daily for her.
Yet I have to let her go for my sanity and her relief.
I just trust in the Lord who perhaps has decided not to move mountains for me or her on this ocassion but who is always there in the background giving internal support in the way that you give external support.
Incidentally as far as your teenage offspring are concerned, I am sure you will have given them all the love and support you are capable of - which judging by the depth of your understanding is immense. I suppose it is a phase they are going through and whilst they are no doubt feeling that, they want to show their independence, they need you loving and support and I am sure that you will be able to give it.
What about a two week swop? I will welcome them here in the centre of England and Shakespeare's brthplace and you can work on my wife wherever you are situated!

All the best

Ricardo

[Unregistered]

Hi Ricardo,

Thanks for posting. I�L'm on holiday at present so will write when I get back. Not got much access to internet.

Cheers

Kate

[Kate]

Hi there Ricardo,

Thank you for your last posting and sorry I wasn't able to reply properly sooner. You sound calm and peaceful and I hope that continues despite the stress of divorce proceedings. We find out a lot about ourselves when life is tough and we have to let the loved one go, don't we. I know bringing our children up has taught me a lot about myself but this business of them gaining independence and going their own way is really tough and challenging! You might well do a better job than me at present if we did do a swap!

As a parent you can give love and understanding, but there are those dark moments in the middle of the night when you wonder was it enough and pray that the mistakes they inevitably will make won't be too serious. Perhaps I remember too clearly my own mistakes and temptations at that age! Yet I survived...

Keep in touch

Kate :)

[Ricardo]

Dear Kate
Another month has passed and I am trying to complete things before another trip to South America.
On the subject of children ( yours, mine - anyone's), of course we have a responsibility but as long as one can put one's hand on heart and say honestly that we have done all we can to give love, support, freedom and independence, there is not a lot more that we can do but to pray they "do not fall into any kind of sin..."
I was at a friend's tonight who has sadly been recently widowed. She has 3 teenage children and has a high powered job in TV. At home they are pretty selfish, rude and at times belligerent. Outside they are kind, well mannered and charming. My 2 boys were the same. It is the parents (hopefully two) that bear the brunt of their anxieties. Whilst they are individuals, they need so much the support and love of a family unit and I am sure you give it to them.
Which moves swiftly on to my problems! I, inevitably, have still been reading a lot about how my wife has made the decisions she has made. Sadly she did not have what I have been referring to above. For her to have love me so dearly and passionately and then walk away leads me now to believe that she was a victim of co-dependence and probably love addiction. I never knew that there was such a thing but reading her so called ailments does make me believe that the similarities are too close to be ignored. Perhaps she believed she loved me with an intensity unparalleled, but in reality I was replacing for her the unresolved difficulties in he childhood.
Whatever reason however, we seem to be at total loggeheads now and it looks as if the divorce is going the whole way to the courts. Still no word from her or her solicitors but we have a hearing planned in the next 2 months. No one hears from her and it is as if she never existed. But for me she does and always will. It is difficult to defend oneself when one is full not of anger but of sadness and pity - but defend myself I will and must. The sad thing is that the more I read of her reasons, the more sadness I feel for her.
Best wishes

Ricardo

[Kate]

H there Ricardo,

Just wanted to say that I hope your trip to South America goes well. Hope you can forget your troubles for a while and enjoy new scenery and experiences.

Isn't it sad how much baggage some of us bring into marriage. Some of it we can work through together, but sometimes one or other of us find it too much to handle. If codependence is the root of your wife's problems then that can be a really tough one to overcome, especially if neither of you were aware of it at the time.

Anyway have a good trip.

All the best

Kate

[Unregistered]

It was good to hear from you on my return from S. America. It was a different experience this time in Bolivia. I arrived in the middle of fairly uncivil disorder which led to CS and tear gas and the resignation of the President - none of which made the headlines here but it was quite exciting for a day or two.
Life in England is far more mundane! The saddest thing is we all look so glum but have everything and they look so happy and have very little. A few lessons to be learned, I think.

We are getting to the critical time in the divorce proceedings. I am just writing for your prayers and thoughts in the hope that dignity and understanding can overcome greed and animosity - on both our parts. I know that my wife's heart is hardened but I hope that whilst I have to defend myself from unreasonable demands I might do so honestly and fairly and without malice and in the same light she may come to understand and believe that it is in this spirit that I am approaching matters. I have no ulterior motives; I honestly would like her longterm future happiness. I pray that she can really believe that not everyone - myself especially - has a vindictive nature.

Best wishes

Ricardo

[Kate]

Phew, it sounds as though Bolivia was a bit too exciting! Trips abroad do give us a different perspective on life.

We'll certainly pray for you over the next little while - that dignity and integrity will shine out when you're dealing with your wife in court and also that you will have peace in your heart and security that whatever happens the Lord will take care of you.

You've worked so hard to face up to what has happened to you, to understand yourself and avoid bitterness. What little experience I've had of courts, they aren't nice places to be. It isn't easy to have something that has meant so much to you dealt with in a cold, impersonal way by lawyers and court officials, but you've already found hidden depths within yourself to face the future which we hope will carry you through the difficult times ahead.

All the best

Kate :)

[Unregistered]

Dear Kate

You almost feel like one of the family so I send you a happy christmas greeting. I hope you have a peaceful Christmas and I wish you all the best in 2004.

I see that I havn't been in touch since early November.

There is little to report other than the ongoing grinding away of the divorce. It is tragic to see how 2 supposedly mature and intelligent people are unable even to communicate and what is worse is to see the deceipt and untruths that the woman that I would have trusted above all others is capable of. I realise that this is only my half of the story and I cannot elaborate here, but it does rather make me lose my trust in people men and women and question my own judgement. How can someone change so much? Is it true that when the chips are down, one's personality in its entirity, is shown warts and all? Is it possible to hide that personality for 7 years?

Anyway have a good long break from all these heart breaking stories. It must be difficult to keep sane!

God bless

Ricardo

[Kate]

Hi there Ricardo,

It sounds as if you are really going through some heart breaking times at the moment. I think the legal system brings out the worst in people often, especially around divorce.

A friend of mine has just been through what would be classed as a relatively amicable divorce, but has still found it unpleasant and degrading. She is having to sell her family home because the courts say things should be split 50:50, even though her husband was unfaithful and left her. She has kept her dignity but at great emotional expense!

It all just seems a mess that something that was meant to be a blessing to two people should end in recrimination and pain. I do question whether many lawyers, and the system itself, are really compassionate and just.

Human nature is a strange thing too. It's easy to become polarised when you're hurt and to only look out for number one. I guess it's that moving from love to rejection that is so terribly painful. It does make love seem very fragile, almost unbelievable, but I do believe that some folks have the integrity to hang on and act justly and fairly while others get swept along into selfishness.

Please don't lose your faith in human nature based on one person who has let you down big time. In the end the important thing is hanging on to your own integrity.

It may seem hard to hold on to but you have a wonderful future for eternity with the Creator and Lord of the Universe. I pray you will know "God with you" this Christmas and always. No-one can take that away from you!

Kate:)

[Unregistered]

Dear Kate
Apparently there was a Court hearing on the 17 December that issued the divorce nisi. I received nothing to tell me from the Court but my solicitor informed me in early January. 6 weeks from then and my almost ex-wife can apply for the Absolute.. Its incredible the disregard for marriage. I am very busy at work so have little time to devote to thinking about things too much which I suppose is good but it saddens me so much that no one makes the slightest effort to make people face up to this responsibility which is equally demanding - if not more so - as the marriage commitment. I would dearly love to go on radio and/or television to promote the idea of making it compulsory for couples to undertake counselling before marriage.
As for my wife, she seems to have totally ignored any instructions from the Court to provide the information they require and the deadlines for providing information have come and gone. She seemed to yearn for divorce which I suppose she has now got but the financial ramifications can only be settled if she provides the information that is required. She has also failed to pay her solicitor's fees and is behaving like an ostrich sticking her head in the sand and hoping it will all go away. It is so unlike the person I thought I knew, had such happy times with and eventualkly married.
I have been advised not to make contact as it may weaken my position - but I have some reason to believe that her new relationship may have broken down and I can just imagine the heartbreak that she may be feeling. My heart goes out to her but she has totally rejected me. I would dearly love to speak with her but for financial reasons as well as my own feelings of rejection if she is still emotionally cold and aloof , it would do little good. But.... I know she will never contact me as she has shown that she cannot forgive. Have I just got to grin and bear it or is it a question of nothing ventured nothing gained?
Impartial advice welcomed.
Hope all is well with you.
Ricardo

[Kate]

Hello there Ricardo,

I wondered how things were going for you.

I know you must long for some contact with your wife. If nothing else to help you make sense of what has happened.

Human nature always hangs on to hope, but really she has to make the first move. Sadly even if her present relationship has broken down, she would not necessarily welcome an approach from you.

I would love to say, yes go for it, but that isn't realistic and without any other evidence that she would like to hear from you, you would be wise to follow the legal advice you have been given.

Presumably the financial side will drag on until she sends in the appropriate papers, but I'm sure eventually it will all get sorted out. I don't know whether her behaviour will go in your favour when it comes to financial settlement. Not that money is your real concern here.

You did mention wanting to do something to tell others of the importance and value of marriage preparation. Well there may not be many opportunities in the media, but you can always tell friends about the marriage preparation resources (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/weddings/marlifeprep/) listed on this site and encourage them to take them up. It is amazing how few know about them.

A number of organisations like the Community Family Trusts (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/services/commarpol/) are working to ensure such programmes are available in local areas. When you have come through your own difficulties, then there are always ways in which you can help with these, should you want to.

If we can build a society that respects commitment and marriage and supports those who are in a marriage, then there will be less heartache for many. I am reminded of the saying that it is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness. When there are enough candles, well...

May you know the Lord's peace in the weeks ahead. He knows what you are going through.

All the best

Kate
:)

[Unregistered]

Dear Kate

Thank you so much for your reply. I am sure you are right in your advice and I hope in future that I will make the time to follow up the leads you suggested. The last two years have given me a new perspective into the workings of the minds of women! I have a company that employs just a handful of ladies who work in administrative roles. Many of them seem to have issues and suffer from depression or stress or broken marriages. They seem to handle their problems in a totally different way to the way in which I handle mine. In my 50+ years only now am I becoming aware of the difference in the attitude of the sexes! Perhaps instead of differntial equations, a period be set aside each week at school for appreciation of the thinkings of the opposite sex.

I would dearly love to contact my wife but your words make sense and sadlt now I must realise that unless she contacts me, there is nothing I can do.


On a lighter note I went to a Shakespeare production in Stratford of Alls well that Ends Well tonight and was invited backstage to meet some of the stars. Fascinating. Some well known names who were charming personified. Yes there is life afte divorce - but how so much my soon to be ex wife would have enjoyed it.

I will keep you posted when and if.

Best wishes

Ricardo

[Ricardo]

Dear Kate
You will find correspondence from me to Fletch. I happened to read this site tonight as I thought I should like to update you with what little news I have - and I see that Fletch is in a similar predicament. I was honoured that you used my case as an example. I only hope with prayer and wise speaking that his marriage may be saved.You helped me a lot and I hope if he needs it, you will do the same with him.
As for my situation, it really is getting no better. I cannot go into detail because it is the subject of a Court Case that will presumably happen in the next 6 months. It is still impossible to believe that my wife (the divorce nisi was issued before Christmas but the Absolute generally only happens when Finances have been sorted.) can be so deceiptful and is capable of lying on oath in order to obtain an advantageous settlement. I read about these sort of things in high profile cases but find it impossible to believe it of my own wonderfully honest and kind wife. These are not sarcastic words - they are genuine and from the heart.
Now however,I genuinely believe that the great love she had for me has turned to great hate. This week is the 2nd anniversary of when we last met. It is unlikely that we will ever meet again and somehow long after this sorry business is over, there will be unfinished business that will never be resolved. And that for some weird reason makes me feel so much for her in that she is unable to come to terms with her situation deep down.
I guess that I am becoming less emotional and more level headed and have worked most things out. The strange thing is that I now have this ability all the time to forgive her; some of the time to still love her (or her memory) and not for a moment to regret the wonderful times we shared in what was after all a marvellous 7 years.
I wonder what the replies would be from other readers as to whether they regret ever meeting their other halves?
Keep up the good work.
Ricardo

[Kate]

Dear Ricardo,

It's good to hear from you. We were wondering how you were getting on.

I am sorry to hear that things are dragging on. It seems that the legal process seems to encourage polarisation and confrontation however much the law makers would like us to think they've solved those sort of problems. I suspect your wife is being encouraged to get as much as she can for herself financially.

It's interesting that you talk of unfinished business long after this is all over. That seems to be one of the harder things about break ups. They're not often tidy and amicable with all the questions answered. I wonder if often folk don't understand their own actions until years later. I certainly look back on things in my life, particularly as a young adult and realise what was going on in myself that I wasn't aware of at the time. You still want your wife to be happy and at peace and to help her, don't you? That's love's way isn't it. It can't just be switched off.

Thank you for responding to Fletch. When I first read his post I thought of you and all you had been through. Strange that you should have visited the site again just at this time.

I hope that you continue to find good things in life to keep your spirits up and that the court case passes quickly and above all that it is just and fair!

All the best

Kate

[Kate]

Hi Ricardo,

How are you doing?

Thank you for your wise words on the other thread. I'm sure they will be of value to the others who read them.

Kate
:)

[Ricardo]

Dear Kate
Its about time that I updated you on the situation. Not so much now because I need too much help and advice - rather more on how the history of a divorce develops and how relationships of every type seem to influence one's thoughts.

We had our day in Court last month. 6 wasted hours spent by 7 people discussing what I needed to do with my money. It was strange seeing the person with whom we had committed our future life for the first time for over 2 years. No eye contact; no acknowledgement...nothing. But I suppose I was braced for that. It was an awful day and is to be repeated again for we were poles apart in a just and fair financial settlement.
The whole matter could be cleared up by ourselves - but she appears to be unable even to look at me let alone talk to me. The idea of a phone call to her just to come to some sort of agreement and save another £5000 in legal fees is appealing to me, but the thought of her reaction is too much to take!

Anyway the point of me writing to you is to tell you about something unrelated but totally relevant to the subject of relationships in that you never really know someone else if they don't want to be honest and open. I employed a good friend of mine last year (male) who I had known for 25 years. Good, honest loyal person who was to take over the administration of my company and leave me to do what I am best at which is promoting the Company's products. "Leave it to me Ricardo." So I left it to him for 6 months. He took some time to get to grips with things, but I trusted him - he was after all a qualified Accountant with lots of experience of running Companies much larger than mine. I became concerned over several matters but he assured me that statutory matters were in hand and that the accounts would soon be up to date. So I trusted him some more. Just before I went on holiday I needed some information in his room and discovered an empty whisky bottle. On my return I confronted him. He said it was a lapse - I believed him. Things deteriorated but I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Eventually I had to fire him and what has come out of the woodwork is a list of things that he said he had done but hadn't. We are still clearing up the mess now. The power of the bottle was too much to overcome - yet I had believed him when he said he had given up. He is a lovely man but has ruined his life and he has betrayed me. I hope he pulls through. The moral of the story is that however competent and strong you believe a person to be, if there is a weakness there they will cover it up. Very few whether they be a wife; a lover or a trusted business partner will tell the truth that they have a weakness. They will cover it up. I have until now been lucky in my life in that I have met few people with weaknesses.
I feel sorry for this man as I do for my wife even though she wants to take me to the cleaners- is that my weakness? Do I need to be the one that is harder? I believe you have to trust people - just make sure that you dig deep into their personality before you commit.
Yours
Ricardo

[Kate]

Dear Ricardo,

I think this would be a sad world if we never trusted people, but as you have described so clearly there is always a risk attached to trusting someone. Sometimes it is very small, but at other times it is quite significant.

I suspect most of us struggle to be totally honest with others and of courses some of us have blind patches where we aren't being honest with ourselves either. My small experience of dealing with people in an addiction is that they find it particularly hard to be honest. For most of them they hide their addiction and don't face up to reality. I hope that you can sort out your business affairs and that you don't lose faith too much in humanity. There are some lovely honest reliable people out there who do act with integrity. Looks like you’ll have to stay involved in the business administration to a certain extent from now on.

Have you really given up on an out of court or amicable settlement with your wife. It must be miserable for you dragging through all this process.

Don’t get harder. I’m sure there is a middle way – what is it in the bible - as innocent as a dove and as wise as a serpent. I suppose it’s got a lot to do with being sure of your values and aware of your motivation at all times. With relationships, some of it is about being clear to yourself and the other about what each others expectations are and being willing to try to understand the others point of view. A bit of intuition helps too. I was reading up about non verbal communication the other day and one of the articles said that those who are intuitive, sensitive and spot things going on under the surface may be those who take particular note of voice intonation, facial expression and body language. All very easy in words but much harder in the realities of everyday life.

All the best

Kate

:)

[Ricardo]

Dear Kate
Many thanks for your reply.
Re your penultimate paragraph - I would dearly love to reach an out of court settlement with my wife. The next court hearing is scheduled for October and if we can resolve issues before then, it would be good. The problem is making the actual contact .Its unfair to phone her at her work
at hospital - providing I was able to find out where she worked. And if I were to phone her at her new home with her new partner - that she denies living with - I can imagine the response I will get. If I write to her, I will get no response.
The last hearing in court was awful - without getting into too much detail. I had discovered over a year ago now that she had moved in with a new man. The whole process of divorce has dragged on much longer than the marriage itself. Therefore when she denied cohabitating, in order to obtain a better financial settlement, I have had the time to ask someone to check out the situation and this evidence was used in court.Her initial reaction was vehemently to deny it. I can imagine her thoughts about me now when she has been uncovered as someone who is happy not to tell the truth on oath.
Having said that perhaps you are right; perhaps I should make the effort - the worst that can happen is that she slams the phone down or gives me some verbal abuse and she may possibly even welcome it. Any suggestions? She definitely would not have the will to telephone me. You may remember that she cut off from her own adopted father for 12 years.
"I was reading up about non verbal communication the other day and one of the articles said that those who are intuitive, sensitive and spot things going on under the surface may be those who take particular note of voice intonation, facial expression and body language. All very easy in words but much harder in the realities of everyday life" - The problem with this is that very sensitive people do indeed read many things into body language and voice intonation but so often they make the wrong assumptions. Scholars read so much into the works and words of Shakespeare - I doubt if Shakespeare himself had thought of half the allusions that scholars give him credit for!
I hope that I am not getting cynical and harder. Obviously this divorce has knocked me sideways - not so much in the process itself but rather in that it is so unecessary and wasteful because I still believe that by communicating we could still be together.
The words " new, fresh, young, vibrant, exciting" - are being replaced by " baggage; second hand, ex, middle age, re mortgage". It is not just a system of divorce but probably an age thing. The older one becomes the more chances there have been in life of failures and there is an ever increasing chance of meeting people who have been hurt.
Before I depress everyone too much and take another Valium (I have never taken one in my life), I agree Kate that there are good people out there who adhere to the same values and standards. Perhaps we should set up a club to attract them!
Thanks for your reply - on a Saturday too!
Ricardo.

[Ricardo]

Dear Kate
It has been months since I have written to you and I hope you are still performing miracles. I thought that I would bring you up to date.
I have been to London today and on driving back I suddenly felt very alone - hence my message.
It is now 3 years since my wife walked out and it appears that last week ( although not yet confirmed) agreement has finally been reached as to our financial settlement which leaves neither party satisfied but which is therefore probably quid pro quo a just settlement.
I happened to pass a spot where we were particularly romantic and the emotions are still there inside me. There has been so much animosity and acrimony surrounding our divorce and as you know my wife has not contacted apart from a necessary meeting in court where eye contact and speech were avoided. I would have laid down my life for her - yet she has been duplicit, cheated and denied what she has done since she left me - all it seems to obtain a better financial settlement. Sadly it seems that her life is not too happy at present as she has bumped into mutual friends and has looked none too good and still does not tell them about her life. Whether it is guilt I know not. All I know is that wehen she first came to me she had few friends of her own and all the friends we created she has forsaken despite their attempts to contact her.
So for me it appears to be finally over and I can start to build a future. But there will be one corner of my life that will ever be with her despite everything she has put me through. There is no doubt that she hates me and never wants to see me again in the same way as she despatched her adopted father. But she is so vulnerable and needs so much love and support. I was unable to give it and the waste of a fabulous relationship still hurts for I think she would agree for 93% of our time together we had everything but it was her self destruct button and underneath it all her primitive self survival button that made the inevitable happen. Please pray for her.
I hope the foregoing does not sound too bigoted. I do really think that we could have worked it out but set against a difficult upbringing, it is so hard to believe in honesty, integrity and trust if it was never experienced as a child.
Thank you Kate for offering so much help, understanding and advice. I really do appreciate it and to any readers that have followed this pitiful story I suppose in summary the answer to the question that I first ra