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twoosnamt
25th January 2001, 06:21 AM
My parents have been married for 30 years and my father (as long a I can remember) is always giving my mother a hard time, saying she is an iditot and stupid, they will have an incident where Mum will say the wrong thing (using the wrong word in a conversation) or saying something that does'nt make sense. Dad will treat her really nastilly and not speak to her for a week. Saying I don't have to put up with this crap Ive put up with it long enough. (Often saying she must be due for her periods) Then a week later their over it. This happens every couple of weeks. He will say to me oh your Mum has been good lately.

He walks around the house looking for things to have a go at Mum (minor things) he treats her like a child. He also treated his children like this and I grew up thinking I was dumb and stupid. I was afraid of him, and still at 28 still a little scared of him. He doesn't hit Mum.

I have told her to leave him many many times but she doesnt want to grow old on her own, Im sure she doesnt love him? But if they were to split he was make life hell for her. He always says hes leaving and not putting up with her any more but never does. They lead seperate lives anyway doing there own thing.

My Mum's heart breaks, what do I do to help.?

Kate
27th January 2001, 04:35 PM
It's hard to stand back and be objective in the siuation that you are in' isn't it? It may be hard to believe that your parent's love each other in the circumstances, but your Mum may well love your dad, but not his way of behaving and treating her. I think many folk would share her fear of growing old alone.

Some people who are so negative, as your father seems to be, are that way because that's the way they were treated as a child and they don't know how to see life in any other way. Sometimes they are so insecure that they get their selfworth from putting others down. It's a way of behaving that is hard to break, but people can break free when they know themselves really loved and valued.

I expect your Mum must be very worn down, by all this, so she probably needs lots of encouragement and affirmation to build up her self esteem and self confidence, (but don't do it by putting your dad down). encourage her, praise her, affirm her, help her to see what value she has both as a person and in what she's capable of doing, then she may be able to take things at home without letting them get her down.

Verbal abuse can be just as painful as physical abuse. How is your parent's communication? Has she tried telling him how she feels about him and the way he's treating her? There are a couple of good books in our Women at Risk (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/womenrisk/) section about Verbal Abuse. If you want to help your mum, you might like to get hold of one and read it. They will have more tips on how you can be supportive.