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wolverine
11th January 2011, 05:38 PM
A summary of my problem is that I have been hurt deeply by my wife's words and actions regarding sexual intimacy. I entered marriage as a virgin and had intentionally saved intercourse for marriage and I had great expectations for what I thought was going to be a life long fulfillment by the person I loved the most. During our engagement, she also showed great interest in physical expression and there was no indication that our sexual intimacy after marriage would be anything less than wonderful. Beginning with our wedding night, and continuing through our marriage of 31 years, I have been hurt by her various responses and my hurt has turned into counterproductive behavior on my part that has made the situation even worse.

Examples of painful experiences:

- on our wedding night, my wife asked me if it was ok if we didn't try to have intercourse. She then went on to ask if I would leave my underwear on and that she felt it would bother her to see me naked. I agreed to her requests.

- as time went on, our sexual activities progressed but it was not long until she began placing boundaries upon our sexual activities. These boundaries did not involve whips, chains, pornography or anything that could be construed as sexually deviant. Her boundaries were things like: no French kissing, asking that I always keep my underwear on, her stating that she no longer wanted to touch me under my underwear, it was OK if I kissed her on her neck and body but she did not want to kiss me anywhere, then there were other rules that were placed on how I was and wasn't to fondle her, no showers together, no baths together in our huge Jacuzzi, no experimenting with positions or activities and so on...

My primary need as a husband and the way I feel most loved is through sexual expression and I feel that these needs will never be met. What this has caused is bitterness in my spirit over the years as I feel that there is a list of expectations that she clearly and often states in regards to the things that make her feel loved and what she expects as a husband. When I have attempted to share how I feel that we both have to try and meet each other's needs, she argues that sex is different than other needs and she just doesn't like sexual expression the way I do so I just have to accept her "the way she was made". My problem is that many of the things she needs as a wife are not natural to the way that "I was made" and they require effort and stretching my comfort level as well. So I have developed a position that our relationship has an unfairness about it that has created the bitterness in my heart. It has caused me to not only to quit trying to please her but it has also caused me to become angry and I often lose my temper and talk to her in ways that are not proper in any situation. My patience for the never ending reasoning about our relationship has gone to zero and I fear for our marriage, but more importantly the happiness of us both.

We constantly have the same arguments. I argue that no matter how good I become as a husband (due to hard work on the areas she needs), she will never meet my needs or put in the same effort to meet those needs. She argues that I don't have a right to ask her to improve until I have met all of her needs and that sexual intimacy is a byproduct of a happy marriage and a happy wife. However, I argue back that when our marriage and her happiness has been good that those areas have not improved (we could not have been more happy than our wedding night). She then argues that her "sexual availability" is her effort and the fact that she does not withhold sex should be enough. While I won't speak for other men, copulation does not equal sexual intimacy and making love to a non-responsive wife is worse than no sex at all.

I want to be a good husband and I want my wife to be happy, and maybe I am just selfish but I want to be happy too. I feel that no matter what I do, she has been very clear about her boundaries.

chosen
12th January 2011, 03:48 AM
To say to a spouse that when they are the perfect husband/wife, they will give them what they want is rediculous and living in cloud cukoo land. No one will ever be able to be the perfect spouse or to meet all of their spouses needs, but we can all try as much as we are able, but it is a two way thing.She is holding sex out as a carrot for you to 'behave' and do all that she wants, but as you say, even right at the beginning, she had these issues, so that isnt going to happen is it.

It seems that your wife has some sexual hangups, especially about seeing/touching a mans parts. To expect you to keep your underwear on while having sex seems unrealistic (and a bit tricky I would have thought). If my husband asked me to keep some clothes on when we were intimate I would be deeply hurt and feel very rejected.
I wonder if she was bought up to think of sex as dirty or that it is only to be 'endured' by the woman in one position and with no enjoyment? You know, like the old victorian idea, to 'lie back and think of England?'. At some point she seems to have picked up a very wrong idea of what sex is, and not that it is something to be enjoyed between two people who are married and in love. AS you say, for you to have sex with an unresponsive wife isnt what you want, as much of the mans enjoyment of sex is seeing his wife enjoying it as well. You dont mention if you are Christians, but a good read and study of Song of Songs may help her to see Gods desire for sex in marriage.

I wonder if some long term marriage counselling may help? I do know that to a man like you, sex is very important and to be rejected like this will be very hurtful to you.Maybe the time has come to seek outside help, so that you can both be open and honest about what is going on here.It seems that you are going round in circles other wise. If you are Christians then get some Christian counselling if you can.

Raymond
12th January 2011, 02:24 PM
This is quite a common problem. You are having sex but there is no passion in it. Also she seems to be using sex in the wrong way almost like a manipulator. Scripturally you both have power over the others body.

Okay one has to adjust to what the other is happy with but that should be a two way thing. There are some things my wife doesn't like but when we discussed it I could drop them as they were not essential for me. Some things are essential though according to your sexual dna and if your wife won't adjust in that way I can understand your frustration.

Has she had a problem in childhood to do with sex? Sexual abuse or something? Sometimes it can also be having a legalistic view of religion.

It does seem that she has a problem in the way that she sees sex. You could look on the site passionwithinmarriage where the owner, a christian, and a refuser for 25 yrs tries to deal with the problem.

Forever
14th January 2011, 08:41 PM
Something is not right here. Your wife seems to have physically rejected you, except to perform minimal sexual duties. Does she ever compliment your general appearance? I am assuming she was not a virgin before marriage as you were, do you think she is dissappointed in what she got as far as your physical attributes?

She seems totally turned off by something, can you give a little more information...we do not know you so you can get more explicit here. The reluctance to kiss the way lovers do, keeping your underwear on, not reciprocating during foreplay ect... suggests that perhaps she had other expectations. Is there something about your body that she is finding so unattractive?

Sorry, if you dont want to answer, I understand, but we must eliminate that possibility before we explore other ones.



Right out of the gate she began to use sex as a weapon to "train" you. Where did she get that from? It is a copout to use the "you have to make me happy first" card. She then can use any incident or any perceived failure on your part to deny what you need from her...I do not buy it. Most people can set aside dissappointments and slights to love on their spouse, so this does not add up.

Raymond
15th January 2011, 04:22 PM
Yes it is a bit odd. Right out of the gate, as Forever said, these rules. She had obviously pre-meditated on it.

I'd like to ask:

1. Is she part of a legalistic type church where one can pick up that sex is bad because of too much emphasis on purity. Yes we need to remain pure but the marriage bad is undefiled.

2. Was she licentious before marriage and now has guilt about it? I know this can happen, where guilt from the past can hinder the legitimate expression of sex in the now.

Shinars Basket Case
18th February 2011, 08:13 PM
Sorry Brother but you are labouring under a delusion. You seem to think you are 'married' and that you have a 'wife'.

You don't.

Not in any biblical sense of the words.

Even Raymonds 'legalistic' Xians would agree that what you have isn't a marriage (and my wife comes from a tradition where 'sex between spouses is the only 'allowable' sin).

Right back in the Garden of Eden Jahwe told women that 'their desire should be to their husbands' and your 'wife' obviously hasn't. Paul tells us that a man doth leave his parents and 'cleave' onto his wife.

Man up. Start acting like a husband and maybe she'll start acting like a wife. That or you need a divorce.

Don't get me wrong, there ARE some very valid 'sexless' marriages and for some very good and godly reasons but it doesn't look like that applies to you.