wolverine
11th January 2011, 05:38 PM
A summary of my problem is that I have been hurt deeply by my wife's words and actions regarding sexual intimacy. I entered marriage as a virgin and had intentionally saved intercourse for marriage and I had great expectations for what I thought was going to be a life long fulfillment by the person I loved the most. During our engagement, she also showed great interest in physical expression and there was no indication that our sexual intimacy after marriage would be anything less than wonderful. Beginning with our wedding night, and continuing through our marriage of 31 years, I have been hurt by her various responses and my hurt has turned into counterproductive behavior on my part that has made the situation even worse.
Examples of painful experiences:
- on our wedding night, my wife asked me if it was ok if we didn't try to have intercourse. She then went on to ask if I would leave my underwear on and that she felt it would bother her to see me naked. I agreed to her requests.
- as time went on, our sexual activities progressed but it was not long until she began placing boundaries upon our sexual activities. These boundaries did not involve whips, chains, pornography or anything that could be construed as sexually deviant. Her boundaries were things like: no French kissing, asking that I always keep my underwear on, her stating that she no longer wanted to touch me under my underwear, it was OK if I kissed her on her neck and body but she did not want to kiss me anywhere, then there were other rules that were placed on how I was and wasn't to fondle her, no showers together, no baths together in our huge Jacuzzi, no experimenting with positions or activities and so on...
My primary need as a husband and the way I feel most loved is through sexual expression and I feel that these needs will never be met. What this has caused is bitterness in my spirit over the years as I feel that there is a list of expectations that she clearly and often states in regards to the things that make her feel loved and what she expects as a husband. When I have attempted to share how I feel that we both have to try and meet each other's needs, she argues that sex is different than other needs and she just doesn't like sexual expression the way I do so I just have to accept her "the way she was made". My problem is that many of the things she needs as a wife are not natural to the way that "I was made" and they require effort and stretching my comfort level as well. So I have developed a position that our relationship has an unfairness about it that has created the bitterness in my heart. It has caused me to not only to quit trying to please her but it has also caused me to become angry and I often lose my temper and talk to her in ways that are not proper in any situation. My patience for the never ending reasoning about our relationship has gone to zero and I fear for our marriage, but more importantly the happiness of us both.
We constantly have the same arguments. I argue that no matter how good I become as a husband (due to hard work on the areas she needs), she will never meet my needs or put in the same effort to meet those needs. She argues that I don't have a right to ask her to improve until I have met all of her needs and that sexual intimacy is a byproduct of a happy marriage and a happy wife. However, I argue back that when our marriage and her happiness has been good that those areas have not improved (we could not have been more happy than our wedding night). She then argues that her "sexual availability" is her effort and the fact that she does not withhold sex should be enough. While I won't speak for other men, copulation does not equal sexual intimacy and making love to a non-responsive wife is worse than no sex at all.
I want to be a good husband and I want my wife to be happy, and maybe I am just selfish but I want to be happy too. I feel that no matter what I do, she has been very clear about her boundaries.
Examples of painful experiences:
- on our wedding night, my wife asked me if it was ok if we didn't try to have intercourse. She then went on to ask if I would leave my underwear on and that she felt it would bother her to see me naked. I agreed to her requests.
- as time went on, our sexual activities progressed but it was not long until she began placing boundaries upon our sexual activities. These boundaries did not involve whips, chains, pornography or anything that could be construed as sexually deviant. Her boundaries were things like: no French kissing, asking that I always keep my underwear on, her stating that she no longer wanted to touch me under my underwear, it was OK if I kissed her on her neck and body but she did not want to kiss me anywhere, then there were other rules that were placed on how I was and wasn't to fondle her, no showers together, no baths together in our huge Jacuzzi, no experimenting with positions or activities and so on...
My primary need as a husband and the way I feel most loved is through sexual expression and I feel that these needs will never be met. What this has caused is bitterness in my spirit over the years as I feel that there is a list of expectations that she clearly and often states in regards to the things that make her feel loved and what she expects as a husband. When I have attempted to share how I feel that we both have to try and meet each other's needs, she argues that sex is different than other needs and she just doesn't like sexual expression the way I do so I just have to accept her "the way she was made". My problem is that many of the things she needs as a wife are not natural to the way that "I was made" and they require effort and stretching my comfort level as well. So I have developed a position that our relationship has an unfairness about it that has created the bitterness in my heart. It has caused me to not only to quit trying to please her but it has also caused me to become angry and I often lose my temper and talk to her in ways that are not proper in any situation. My patience for the never ending reasoning about our relationship has gone to zero and I fear for our marriage, but more importantly the happiness of us both.
We constantly have the same arguments. I argue that no matter how good I become as a husband (due to hard work on the areas she needs), she will never meet my needs or put in the same effort to meet those needs. She argues that I don't have a right to ask her to improve until I have met all of her needs and that sexual intimacy is a byproduct of a happy marriage and a happy wife. However, I argue back that when our marriage and her happiness has been good that those areas have not improved (we could not have been more happy than our wedding night). She then argues that her "sexual availability" is her effort and the fact that she does not withhold sex should be enough. While I won't speak for other men, copulation does not equal sexual intimacy and making love to a non-responsive wife is worse than no sex at all.
I want to be a good husband and I want my wife to be happy, and maybe I am just selfish but I want to be happy too. I feel that no matter what I do, she has been very clear about her boundaries.