What do I do?

[Unregistered]

Hi.

I am 32, married for 11 years with 2 children (5 & 8). My wife has disclosed recently that she is unhappy but does not know why; she also feels that she does not love me anymore but again is unsure. My wife feels there is something missing from her life and feels the need to get out from the four walls of the house and away from the children occasionally. She also feels she is just plodding on with life and I do not make her "fizz" even though she feels that I have not done anything wrong.
This has taken me totally by surprise and I do not know what to do. This issue also has some history behind it. Without going details at this stage my trust has been broken on about 5 occasions but not all to do with the same thing, so I have always been on my guard. My wife has always found it difficult to communicate and she bottles things up, (this announcement has been simmering for about 2 years apparently), so I have found it difficult to answer her needs. I often ask if things are OK to which the answer is always yes.
About six years ago, my wife told me she was leaving which again was a bolt out of the blue. She moved out for 5 months saying she needed to do it for herself and required space. She returned home and said she was sorted and prepared to get on with life. About a year later she stated that she had feelings for somebody else and felt that she wanted the chance to get to know them better. This soon subsided and she admitted it was a phase. But as you can see my trust has been battered a bit. The latest announcement has left me stunned again; you'd have thought by now that I could see things coming but to any outsider and myself our relationship was sound and problems were behind us. Many people have commented how happy we are and are actually jealous. We laugh, we joke, we are good friends and arguments are very few. We are financially sound and the future looked good, generally a sound platform yet something is not right. It seems bizzare that this could happen
I have said to my wife that I will help her find out what the problem is but I cannot make her decision for her. I am a firm believer that many couples break up without making a real effort to relsolve problems- the easy way out. I feel that my wife is taking the easy way out.
I have to make a decision for myself also. Even if my wife decides that I am not the problem I have to decide whether I can go on with the thought of this re-occuring again. I have experienced the pain before and it is not to be wished upon any one so. Thing is, I love her dearly and the thought of being without her is not a nice one. I just wish it was mutual.
Can anyone pass on any advice

[Liz]

It's very easy for marriages to get a bit stale. We find life together disappointing or circumstances change and if we're not keeping close then one or other of us can begin to withdraw and feel disillusioned and lose hope.

We slipped into a sort of disillusionment after our first son was born. The romance had gone, little things the other did would irritate and the pressures of a new baby were getting us down. We began to wonder where our relationship was going and whether we had what it would take to make it last. We wondered if we were fated to settle down into some sort of boring dissatisfying life. Was this all there was left for us? It was quite scary at the time.

Some friends told us about Marriage Encounter (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/marenhres/meang/), which is a weekend which focuses on communication and helps couples to escape from the pressures of every day life and spend time together talking and building hopes for the future. On that weekend we rediscovered our love for each other and ways we could stay close and keep in touch with how we were each growing and changing. We foudn ways to keep happiness and joy in our lives together. Life has still had its tough times since, but we reckon we are stronger and more able to weather them.

There are a number of programmes like this (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/) available. They are different from counselling, but you both need to want to go and be committed to trying to make things work.

I don't know whether this might be something that you would find helpful. If you want to know more - check out the links or post some questions and we'll do our best to answer them.

:) Liz

[Unregistered]

Thanks Liz.

It is quite a salient point in your reply that you must both want to make things work. I did ask this of my wife to which she responded with 'I do not, the love has gone and I know it will not come back'. So this appears to be pretty terminal to me; she seems so determined to end the marriage and really does not want to listen to anyone.
As a child she was never shown the love and affection from her parents that many other children experience and she always used to mention this. She has never reallly let anyone in, always had an invisible barrier up. I often feel that this is the real root cause of the problem and if only she would seek help it may lay the ghost to rest. Maybe this has nothing to do with it but as you probably understand I am looking for some sense amongst all this.
My attention now moves to the children . I am extremely concerned for their future and how, at such a young age, they will be affected. Are there any support groups that are available that may be able to help. I am not relishing the future and particularly not comfortable that my life with my children is now going to be limited to about 3 days a week. It seems that although I want none of this I am the one who is paying the ultimate price.

[jacqui]

Ther is always hope please do not give up on your marriage.

My husband had an affair and I could have quite easily walked away but I didn't and I went through awful times when I just didn't love him any more and could see no light at the end of the tunnel.

I bought this book called 'surviving an affair' (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/books/surviveaffair/) by Dr Harley and Dr Chalmers (www.marriagebuilders.com.)

It explained how we fall in love and why we fall out of love and how we can fall back into love with our partner.

For some reason you are not meeting your wife's most important emotional needs, you are probably not even sure what they are. The more times you meet her needs the more love you will be giving her. Do you even know what your emotional needs are?

I was so sad and shocked at what my husband did but the book taught me to understand what was going on in our relationship. The second most important thing is that DO NOT GIVE UP HOPE. You can win your wife back, educate yourself, be honest and self critical, we have all the answers but sometimes we need help with the questions.

Good luck and give it one last try and if I can survive and get my love back then you can too.

Love Jacqui x

[Unregistered]

Thanks Jaqui.

everything at the moment seems so difficult to take in and understand. I have asked many times now if she will see someone with me, take time out to think things over, trial separation, anything but her only response is ' I don't love you, I have drifted apart from you and I don't want that love back'. The last part of the statement is the hardest to grasp as it seems so illogical and I keep asking the question why? She has given me no real reason as to why she does not want to love me and it is hard to accept. The only sign she has given is that it for years now trivial things have built up and up and now its gone too far. I believe everything is fixable btu my wife does not. We are at an impass. She wants me to get things moving with respect to selling the house and sorting things out but it has only been a week and as it was such a shock it is a bit too much too soon. She says I am not to blame and I am a great man, good laugh, friend and great dad and I have done nothing wrong. So it beggars the question why? But again the only answer I get is that above.
Is this behaviour normal? Has anyone else seen anything like this before? Should I just let her go. I am concerned for her and feel that she is going to become far unhappier by walking away but she does not see this.
I am at the lowest I have ever been at but I see no end to the pain.

Neil

[Unregistered]

Read the book Love Must Be Tough (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0849913411/2in21couk), by Dr. Dobson. Dont let her know you are reading it, and then do what it says. I think your wife needs to be challenged so she will know you may not want her back this time. Good luck. I wish I had followed the advice in his book years ago, but I was too weak and too hurt to be left alone. If I had of followed it I would have saved years of letting him hurt me over and over again.

[Unregistered]

I, too, face the same challenges that you do, although in my case, it is my husband that says he no longer loves me and can't commit (or recommit) to our marriage. We, too have 2 children (15 and 12) and my heart breaks to think of what our future and their well-being faces. My advice to you is to DO NOTHING. I wish I had realized this myself sooner. If your wife says she wants out, make her take steps - you do NOT and SHOULD NOT facilitate her. You do not have to go along with something you feel deeply inside is wrong for you and for your family. She, like my husband, need to take responsibility for their feelings or lack thereof. You say she wants you to take steps about selling your house, etc. You do not have to do anything! This is about her, and sadly, nothing you can attempt to change about her can be done until she herself wants to change. My husband tells me, too that I deserve better, I'm beautiful, talented, a wonderful Mom, etc. etc. But, he says I scare him ... that when he feels the "walls" coming down every once in awhile and he lets me "in," that he gets scared again and shuts down. I have found tremendous help from a personal therapist who has helped me realize that the reason some spouses say the things that your spouse and mine say is because "we make them FEEL." If your wife is as closed off as you say, prefering to keep things inside (as my husband is), than you probably do represent a threat in some way to her, because you make her feel things that she's not ready to or is unwilling to. My advice to you, from one who is right there with you, is twofold: Find yourself a therapist who can help you sort out your own needs, and read the book "The Divorce Remedy: 7 Steps to Saving Your Marriage" (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/books/divorceremedy/) by Michelle Werner Davis. She really does offer hope in a very concrete way, by giving you skills to deal with a spouse that very well might appear to be on the way out, without sacrificing your own needs and wants in your marriage. I sure might sound like I've got my head together, but believe me, I'm struggling daily just as you are. Please let me know how you're doing - it's a very small world, and even strangers care. Sincerely, A friend from the USA

[Unregistered]

Thanks for your reply.

I totally agree that I should do nothing but I'm sure you now know how difficult that actually is to do. I personnally keep asking her why and I know I should not as it makes things worse. Maybe I have put her on a pedestal and worshipped her too much but thats me and surely to love someone so much is not a bad thing. Nothing makes sense anymore; I could well believe it if I had numerous affairs or was violent or controlling but I have been the most sincere partner since we met. She says she needs to find her happiness and I say I can help her to which she replies, it is not with you. This is definately a hard lesson in life. Even if she decided it was a mistake I have to ask myself some questions and decide if I could trust again...I do not think I could at this present moment. The feeling that is constantly with you during the day is the worst I know but it must ease one day. I would wish this on no one. Thanks again for your reply and I wish you all the best of luck. Thanks for caring. Thanks for being a friend.

[HURTHUBBY]

Hi. I too am in the same situation as you. It is hard when you "know" you can get that love back but your partner has gone so cold and refuses to try. My wife and I separated about two months ago. In the last two weeks we have gotten closer and had more laughs then when we got married 7 years ago. Everything is great now right? Wrong! Daily I need to hear her reassurances that I need to be strong so I am not hurt again, that we are only best friends or that she just let her feelings for me go during our problems the last few years. I love her so much but I am trying to face the facts that I might not ever get another chance to be with my "wife" again.