advise about space

[dohboy]

hi, i,ve been married for 11 years. i love my wife. she wants to separate because she says that although she loves me, she is no longer in love with me. she says she needs some space. i don,t want to loose her but i want to give her her space, i,m affraid that she won,t come back. does anyone have advice please?

[Unregistered]

I am in an extremely similar situation myself...again. My wife has told she is unhappy but doesn't know why:she feels she doesn't love me but again is not sure. This situation first came about six years ago when she moved out for 5 months to get some space and sort her self out. I experienced the same as yourself and was afraid that she would not return. After begging her not to go I realised that this would not help and I let her go; It was the hardest thing I had ever done in my life and it still gets to me now. I felt at the time like it was all over and it was extremely difficult not to keep visiting her and 'popping' round. From her being there one day to not being there was so difficult to adapt to. If there is any advice I can give it is to find the strength not to keep interfering and to let have her space. To let her have her space and to maintain communication is a fine line to tread and I'm afraid I don't know the ideal path. Give her time and try not to force the issue is something you will have to fight all the way, you will be dying to have her back but you must be patient. This is probably where I was not too clever. I did try and prepare myself for the worse which was not easy but unfortunately it was a real possibility.
As I said it has now come around again so I am not sure if the problem was resolved in the first place so with hindsight the real problem must be identified.
I hope this helps, it is not all good news but I can only go by my experience. Please reply if you want to talk more.

[dohboy]

Originally posted by Unregistered
I am in an extremely similar situation myself...again. My wife has told she is unhappy but doesn't know why:she feels she doesn't love me but again is not sure. This situation first came about six years ago when she moved out for 5 months to get some space and sort her self out. I experienced the same as yourself and was afraid that she would not return. After begging her not to go I realised that this would not help and I let her go; It was the hardest thing I had ever done in my life and it still gets to me now. I felt at the time like it was all over and it was extremely difficult not to keep visiting her and 'popping' round. From her being there one day to not being there was so difficult to adapt to. If there is any advice I can give it is to find the strength not to keep interfering and to let have her space. To let her have her space and to maintain communication is a fine line to tread and I'm afraid I don't know the ideal path. Give her time and try not to force the issue is something you will have to fight all the way, you will be dying to have her back but you must be patient. This is probably where I was not too clever. I did try and prepare myself for the worse which was not easy but unfortunately it was a real possibility.
As I said it has now come around again so I am not sure if the problem was resolved in the first place so with hindsight the real problem must be identified.
I hope this helps, it is not all good news but I can only go by my experience. Please reply if you want to talk more.

[dohboy]

Thanks for your posting. i know that i have to give her space, i,ts very hard. i just want it finished and the problems sorted but i acept that it will take time.

[Unregistered]

We seemed to have drifted too. Moved house, my mum moved in to which added stress, sex dwindled till wife sat me down and said 'don't see me ever having interest in sex again, with anybody not just you' so maybe best if we split....I'm devastated and say, doesn't matter, I want to stay with you..

eventually she gets counselling but don't think she put her heart into it. My insecurity as to being given the nod to go makes life miserable, question her every move, resent her friends, fone her on mobile all the time, I have anger issues to which make me argue with her and daughter a lot (no violence or threats or anything) just frustration.....

eventually she gets flat and moves out. I'm told by her she loves me but not in love. Affectionate to me like 'brother'. She wants her own space, independance and time to do her own thing. Not intersted in guys and partying (and evidence so far supports it) but felt stifled and my constant analysing and intensity drove her mad...

Have also been told by her, she wasn't happy. I wasn't happy and drank a little too much which proved I wasn't happy. I can change all my bad bits and am going to marriage counselling on my own to come to terms with what's happened to me. I'm tryign to see personal counsellor to as saw one last year to try and sort my aggression but didnt' help as I probably didnt' try enough....

To make moatters worse, her dad (who she was close to) has died and don't know what to do. She has ensured I have been given my place at funeral (cars, pall bearer etc) but want to be supportive husband but she doesn't want me too. She says this is nothing to do with 'us' but she would want to be independant and get through this on her own. Night he died she spent alone in her flat whilst I watched daughter.....In past have always known what to do at funerals, either son, nephew, grandson or friend....I'm husband but then I'm not....it'll feel very weird as want to help her but she doesn't want me too..

any thoughts gratefully received..

[Liz]

Hi I wonder how the funeral went. Has your wife turned to you for any comfort? People do often withdraw into themselves at first when a loved one dies.

Wonder how Dohboy is getting on too?

Liz