Is it still cheating?

[Whichwaynow?]

I have been with my wife since we were kids, 12 years now, only married 4 though. 6 months after we married, I came home from work to find she left with our 8 year old daughter. My main concern was daughters well being so got her back and tried to return life back to some normality without her mother which I done very well. After about three months apart, I kissed someone else but did not sleep with them as I still had feelings for my wife. Wife returned after 6 months saying it was a mistake to leave and she still loved me. I was still hurt by the split so said that if she had slept with anyone else then I would not have her back.
She swore she hadn`t. I believed her because she has never been that interested in sex anyway, so six months without it did not surprise me. Time passed but her sisters both made threats to "spill the beans" and each time I asked her what was meant my wife replied they are just trying to split us up and not to worry about it.
Now, three years after getting back together, my wife decided to tell me that she has been lying all along and would not blame me if I wanted a divorce. I asked her how many and although she would not tell me exactly I feel as though it was a lot, the only thing she would tell me is they were one night stands and she was drunk most of the time.
I now feel very angry and confused as while I was busy trying to look after our daughter she was out sleeping with every tom,dick and harry (totally out of character). Not only that but I feel as though she lied just to get back here and that she has made a fool of me for the last three years.
I know in my head that she was free to do what she wanted while we were apart, but find it hard in my heart to understand this.
She now expects me to just forget this and move on but its not that easy is it?
Does anyone think I should just forget it or should I leave, my trust in her has gone because of the lying, my feeling of love is not the same as I cant stop imagining her with another man. Any advice please as this is slowly tearing me apart. To me it still feels like cheating.

[Kate]

It's pretty tough when you can't trust each other, so perhaps you would be wise to try and sort a few things out together.

Is your wife really sorry about what has happened and wanting to make a go of things? It's a bit easier to forgive someone if you know they are sorry for what they've done. When she says she wouldn't blame you for wanting a divorce, then she may be testing the water to see if you are prepared to forgive her.

If you want to make your marriage work, some openness with each other would help to build trust. If you can do that yourselves all well and good, but you might need some help and counselling (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/counselling/) to get to the bottom of what the issues are. Why did your wife leave you in the first place? What do you both expect of each other and your marriage? What are you prepared to put in to make it work?

There are a number of useful articles in the Infidelity (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/) section of the site, on how to respond to unfaithfulness and work through he consequences.

You might look at some of the articles in the Relationship Basics (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/relbasictopic/) area to get some ideas on forgiving each other and building communication.

Love is more than just a feeling it is a decision to work through difficulties, to confront mistakes and to forgive and move on. If you can both do this then there is the hope of building a strong marriage for the future.

[whichwaynow]

Thanks for the reply Kate.
You asked why we split up int he first place, well it seemed like we had no toime for each other, I was worling full time and studying, she was pre-occupied with our eldest daughter. So basically it got stale for the both of us. My wife did not think I would be bothered if we split up but must have been shocked by the way I quickly changed things around. For about a month, I just sat around feeling sorry for myself, then I snapped out of it, got my daughter home with me then got her life back on track, improved the house from top to bottom, took a real pride in the way we were, etc etc. I done these things not for myself but for my daughter(because I am her dad) and to show my wife how much I love her and how nice things could be again.
I quickly realised why we split up and tried to be as strong as I could, people were amazed at just what I was capable of in view of what happened.
As for trust,I know my wife trusts me and I never for one moment thought that my wife could be unfaithful to me while we are together, I still don`t to this day. (When she slept around we weren`t together so to speak, she originally did not want to come back and at the time I was not bothered if she came back or not) I trust my wife with my life but I now have doubts as to why she returned. They say that the grass is not greener, did she find this out for herself? Did she only return because myself and our daughter were getting on just fine without Mum? She knew from the start that I was seeing but not sleeping with another girl, why could she not tell me the truth?
I do believe my wife is sorry for what happened and she sort of puts it down to (but doesn`t make it an excuse) the fact that she walked away from here with her daughter and ended up with nothing, this I know is very hard to cope with, because when she left I had nothing. She does not condone her actions in anyway and says she was not herself. I can see what she is saying there.
I know from the way she does not want to talk about the past that she is ashamed of what she done but I wont push her for answers because of my feelings for her,so these thoughts are left to whir around in my head. This is the reason I wrote the first message. Does it still count as cheating and if it does, aren`t I guilty as well?
If it is not cheating then how can I forgive her for something she has not done?
The whole thing has become too confusing to understand on my own but my wife would rather forget what she done and I have to respect her wishes about that don`t I?

[Kate]

You were both bound to be drawn to other people while you were apart especially if you were mixed up about each other and what the future held. It's also bound to hurt knowing your wife slept with other men. Whether you call it cheating or not, it has still hurt you both and your relationship.

My ideal of marriage is commitment to one person for life and to being faithful. Measured by those standards then I would see myself as cheating on my husband if I went off and slept with other men, even if we were separated, but in the same way I would view beginning to get involved with someone else as cheating too. It depends on how you see your marriage and what vows or promises you made when you married.

Perhaps you should stop worrying about precisely how you let each other down and forgive each other not so much for the specific actions, but more for the hurt you have caused each other and try and put it behind you. It obvioulsly gace you a jolt and helped you to change your attitude to life at home, so some good may eventually come out of it all.

Surely the important thing now is to see if you can put it behind you and build a strong secure marriage and family for each other and your daughter. Don't let things get stale again. Give your relationship lots of attention. Try an enrichment weekend (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/datelist.html), add some romantic touches to life, show each other how much you appreciate each other.