not having sex

[yvonnea]

my husband hates to have sex. and it is killing me:confused:

[Kate]

There can be a host of reasons why this is a problem. Can you talk about it? It's only when you understand what the cause is that you can begin to look for ways forward.

You might also explore why it is so painful for you. Is it because it leaves you fearing you are unloved or unattractive? Is it something else? What are your feelings around this?

When you've begun to find out what is really going on then you might look at areas of the site to do with Communication (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/relbasictopic/), Counselling (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/counselling/) and Difficulties in Our Sexual Relationship (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffsex/).

[cityboy2004]

I know many of you have far more pressing problems than not having sex, but I am in the same position as yvonea. Married for 10 yrs, but together for 17, two energertic boys, wife prefers to have her own time reading in bed and has lost sex drive over past 2 years. Her view is that she doesn't want me putting demands on her, after a day of the kids doing the same. I have subtly said that I thought functional couples should have sex once a week - presumably enjoyable. Am contemplating buying the "sex starved marriage" book - will have to tell the sales assistant it is of course for my Uncle!

Any views much appreciated....

[sad&confused]

Dont know if I can help much, as me and my husband havent had sex for a while, because I dont want to. I just dont love him that way anymore and it feels like doing it with my brother - sorry if the thought of that offends anyone!

Cityboy2004 - For me it makes it worse if my husband asks me for sex, because if I wanted to do it, then we would do it. Begging is just completely unacceptable and really upsets me. I know a lot of people think as we're married we HAVE to have sex, and I suppose that if you're not doing it then there must be something wrong. So address what is wrong, and dont keep begging for it as it makes your partner feel worse. You have to discuss it, and not when you're lying in bed at night either! I dont know if just buying the book will help, your partner might resent you and feel like you've gone behind her back.

Try to understand why she doesnt want to have sex and approach it that way.

And yvonnea - can you tell us more, has he said why he hates having sex?

Sorry if I havent been of much help!

[cityboy2004]

Dear S & C - thanks for your view - which sounds the right one. Patience is better than unrequited begging. The brother feeling is interesting, but not an issue in my relationship. I will see if there are deeping underlying causes as to why we dont have sex any more....and I'll buy the book. I'll have to start putting bromide in my tea (and yvonnea's too).

[Kate]

Hi Cityboy,

Sometimes women are just plain tired from all the exertions of the day. They also need to know they are loved without strings attched and to be romanced.

A couple of ideas,

Get stuck in helping with the youngsters more often to give her a break.

Try and find opportunities during the day or evening to show her you love her. Spend some time snuggled or cuddling with no agenda for full love making.

Take her away for the weekend to have a rest - not just so you can make love all weekend.

Last of all, I like to see it as making love not having sex, ie giving to myu husband not getting for myself. Perhpas if you can communicate to her that you want some time to give her pleasure and help her relax she may begin to get more interested.

Kate

:)