How d0 I get my wife back? part 2

[Ash78]

Thanks to everyone for their assistance in the last thread and hopefully they will assist in this one.

Summary is wife and I split, there is another man involved together with a lot of debt and business melt down.

My wife and I talked for 4 hours last night and began on the subject of feelings. This is a breakthough whilst we have spoken before this is the first indepth discussion.

At the moment my wife has barriers up to me, she is worried that it took her a lot of courage to break free and that if she comes back it will be more of the same and she will feel trapped. I have told her repatedly that the only thing that I want is her happiness and I will go to the ends of the earth to acheive this. I am in the process of soring out the money and the business and things for once are looking bright.

My wife is going to see a psycologist next month to begin the process of unscrambling her head. She is worried about herself and her identity as she sees herself as someones wife, or someones mother and not a person in her own right. I am, at a distance, still trying to support her. I have put my emotions to one side while I try to win her heart back.

I have said that I want to date her, we didn't date the first time round, but she wants to wait until she has seen the psycologist and I have agreed reluctantly.

I know the other man is a problem and there cannot be three in a marriage but after our discussions last night there is actually five people involved in this mess and I know that there needs to be two. I am taking this slowly to try and rebuild the marriage in a good and strong manner. Can anyone suggest how I can start to remove the barriers to win my wifes heart back.

The other man is something that will fizzle out if I do this properly. If I go charging in I will loose her forever if I haven't done so already.

[Raymond]

Whilst there may be deep roots to this lack of identity, having an affair outside of marriage will actually add to not knowing who you are. If sexual relations take place some of her will go to him adding to the confusion. In christian circles this is called a soul tie. Many prostitutes are in the category of not knowing who they are hence the high suicide rates among them. Basically sex belongs in marriage.

I think it is good that she confesses that she needs help but I am not quite so sure about going to a pshychologist. Our true identity is brought out through God in my experience and is enforced through relating well to our husband or wife family friends etc. If she is a christian I think she will be better served to go to Ellel Grange in Scotland who would have a mine of wisdom and information on that very subject.

[chosen]

Raymond, brilliant advice. Ash,I have been to Ellel Ministries in Farnham lots of times and I and many others have been greatly helped by going and have found healing and help.
Have a look on their website.
This feeling of only being someones wife and someones mum is very common in women, but the only way for us to find our true identy is in God, and not by finding another man,and leaving our spouses.
A secular counsellor or psychologist often wont help because their advice isnt Biblical, and is often selfish ie do what makes you happy etc.
As Raymond said, this other man will only be adding to her feeling lost and will actually make her feel worse, especially as it will be coming between her and God as well. She will be seperated from the only one who can really help her. I am sure, as a Christian, she will also be feeling deep guilt for this affair, because she knows how terribly wrong this is. She is walking a very slippery slope indeed.

[Ash78]

Raymond, brilliant advice. Ash,I have been to Ellel Ministries in Farnham lots of times and I and many others have been greatly helped by going and have found healing and help.
Have a look on their website.
This feeling of only being someones wife and someones mum is very common in women, but the only way for us to find our true identy is in God, and not by finding another man,and leaving our spouses.
A secular counsellor or psychologist often wont help because their advice isnt Biblical, and is often selfish ie do what makes you happy etc.
As Raymond said, this other man will only be adding to her feeling lost and will actually make her feel worse, especially as it will be coming between her and God as well. She will be seperated from the only one who can really help her. I am sure, as a Christian, she will also be feeling deep guilt for this affair, because she knows how terribly wrong this is. She is walking a very slippery slope indeed.


Raymond/Chosen
We are talking about the affair and if they have been at it like rabbits. Pardon the expression but I do not know how best to put this. (I do think that there has been some sexual activity but not sure how much.) My wife claims that he has as many problems with his relationship as she does with hers and it was about mutual comfort and support.
This concerns me as I have always been there for her appart from maybe the last year. We talked last night about the greif for her mothers death and she says that there wasn't any.
I am trying to get close to her to understand the problems but as I said the barriers are up.
She is truely a wonderful person I so much want to help her but I am lost. I know that the psycologist has helped her in the past and that this will be the route that she will persue.

[chosen]

Ash it is possible for people not to grieve for their parents, if they arent close to them. My husband has no real relationship with his mother and he wont grieve when she dies(she is nearly 80). In fact I think he will be relieved as she has caused so much unhappiness in the family.
Its hard to see how she and her lover think that carrying on with this affair will help her marriage or his. Its no way to look for comfort, as it will only make things worse. I honestly think that nothing will improve until she stops seeing this other man,and you are sort of enabling it. Just my opinion.

[Ash78]

Its hard to see how she and her lover think that carrying on with this affair will help her marriage or his. Its no way to look for comfort, as it will only make things worse. I honestly think that nothing will improve until she stops seeing this other man,and you are sort of enabling it. Just my opinion.

Chosen
I have to agree totally and I have said as much to her last night.

The position now is that she has recognised that there is a problem with her emotions and she is now starting to address that problem. This is a major step and one that has taken me 7 weeks to progress.

All I can be is the caring considerate and understanding husband. I have no guarantees that my marriage will be repaired or is repairable. My wife doesn't understand her feelings at the momnet but she is doing something about it.

As hard as it is for me, and thank everyone on this forum for the support, my emotions are up and down all the time. I am not really thinking about my kids properly only my wife and our marriage. I do think the affair if that is what it is is masking bigger issues maybe a mid life crisis or other such problem.

I want this to end a love story and the moment it has the potential to end as a disaster movie.

Thanks again for advice and support

[chosen]

I think that many of us have some sort of midlife event, but most get through it with not too much problem.
Ash, I do find it very hard to advise you because in your position I would have given my husband a choice long ago of me or the other woman.I certainly wouldnt be talking to him and trying to work on the marriage while the affair was continuing. I may well be prepared to work on it if the affair stopped but its only fair and right that she stops that damaging and sinful relationship.At this point in time she has already chosen this other man, so what will you loose?

I wonder if you need to concentrate more on the children, and less on your wife, who is the one damaging them, and you, and this other mans wife, by her selfish actions. I know you keep saying how wonderful she is,and making excuses for her, but a wonderful person doesnt cheat, lie, betray, and have affairs. She has deeply hurt you and this mans wife (and kids if he has them) and her own children for her own selfish ends. Sorry but that isnt wonderful or nice or kind. She had a choice to do that and she has a choice to stop it, which she hasnt done.
Be a good dad, spend time with them, help them to cope, and stay diatant from your wife is my advice. Dont see her or speak to her unless you have to.Work on yourself, staying strong and getting on with your life. You are trying to be her friend and counsellor while she continues to betray you. Is she actually going to respect you for that? I doubt it. Make it clear that you arent prepared to work on anything while this man is on the scene and wait and pray. Give it all to God, and leave it there with Him.
You arent allowing her to feel the consequenses of what she is doing, because she has you as her friend while she is sleeping with this other man.
This affair will end in tears theres no doubt about that. When it does, and if you still want to, you will be there if she wants to come back and work on the marriage, but while she continues to see him stay away is my opinion.

I do think you need to acknowledge what she has done, and what she is doing, and not keep trying to make excuses for her. Affairs dont just happen,. They take planning, and thought, and decision.She decided to have this affair, putting her selfish desires before you and even her children. She has not only betrayed you and her family and his family, but God as well.There are always consequenses to our actions and for her its unlikely to end well. Affairs dont end well.

Sorry if I seem hard, but sometimes we need to see the truth about a person before we can make any decision. I have had all the marriages in my family ruined and blown apart by affairs, and it isnt something that you can pussyfoot around. Its serious stuff.

[koliver0821]

CHOSEN - I applaud you. This is exactly what he needs to do. She is feeding him non-sense. Its time to let her know the reality of the situation. No more cake eating. Focus on you and the kids and make it known that you will not allow this "filth" to permeate your house any longer.

Staying distant isnt exactly what I would advise. But emotionally detach from her. Go out. Have fun. Don't let her walk all over you. Making it clear you aren't interested in talking to her about anything other than the kids and the weather if this other guy is still in the picture. Let her know you are going to protect the kids as best as possible but you will not lie. (Perhaps you can use this as a way to get her to agree to counseling together)

Chosen, no offense here. I wasn't expecting this post from you. Usually you have more "venom" in your post. That is just an observation. Not that I have a problem with it. I know my post all have bitterness in them......

Acknowledge that you are glad to hear she is seeing a therapists but I think thats about it.

I see a lot of my wife in your wife's communication with you. She had to hit rock bottom before things changed. As I said, she hit rock bottom when I outwardly detached myself. (My insides were being torn apart) but she didnt know that.

Stand Strong Brother.

[chosen]

koliver. wow I will have to watch that, I never realised that some of my posts seem to have venom in them, it wasnt intented. I dont feel bitter towards any of the members of my family who did this, nor my ex, nor my dad, and I pray for them often. (My feelings are of sadness, but not bitterness)I think it is the whole casual way that people treat adultery these days and how common it is, that makes me feel mad.

I do know that I have little patience with those who lie and betray and cheat, and as far as I am concerned there is never an excuse for an affair. Maybe that is because of past experiences in my family of what adultery has done,and what happened to my husband as a result of his ex wifes unfaithfullness.My brother has lost 2 wives through their affairs, the second one had 4!!!!!.My dad had an affair for 8 years,and mum ended up killing herself. Thats how awful and serious this is. Yes it destroys lives, marriages and childrens lives.

Also I have a close friend whose husband has recently got another women pregnant and left her and her two young children for this other woman,and guess what, it isnt working out. I baby sit for these children and and I cried when I found out what had happened to them and his wife. Shes the nicest person ever, and the kids are so lovely, they didnt deserve it.

Adultery is pure selfishness and thinking of yourself above your spouse and your children, and of course the other persons spouse and children as well if they have one.

All I can say is that if it happened to me, I would see a real need to be firm and I would give conditions for the marriage to carry on. The first one would be no contact at all with the other person, even it that meant them leaving their job.if my spouse wasnt prepared to stop seeing the other person, then that would be their answer.I do agree with you that minimal contact is called for, and emotional detachment, for the time being.

I am glad that you agree on this matter, as you have been through a similar thing also.

God Bless

[Raymond]

I can't see any venom in your posts at all Chosen. I see a straightness of someone who has learned to despise adultery and the damage it does, not only to the people in the marriage but to children also. Don't lose that. Obviously we have to treat people in love but there is a kind of wooliness and compromise that doesn't really help in the long run. You are a work in progress like the rest of us and are highly valued on this site.

[chosen]

Raymond
yes I am most definetly a work in progress, theres no doubt about that.haha. Thanks for your encouraging words, I appreciate them.
Yes I do despise adultery, and because of all the bad experiences, I have come to the point of knowing that I will never put up with any nonsense like that in my life. My mum put up with it for 8 years?!?!?!?!?!??I would never do that. I mean my dad even tried to get my mums sister to spend the night with him!!!(Fortunatly she loves my mum and had high morals, so it didnt happen).

I also know that if it did happen, and we did get back together (highly unlikely)the marriage would never be the same and I doubt I could ever trust again. My husband knows that if it happened that would be it, but he is a man of very high moral standards, and he was always faithful to his first wife of 23 years despite his unhappiness with her, so I have no worries on that score.If I were unfaithful I wouldnt expect him to have me back either, I wouldnt deserve to be taken back.
I think that we sometimes forget that God sees adultery as so serious that at one time people were put to death becauase of it. Now it is so common (and in my observations is getting far more common in women of a certain age)that people dont always take it seriously, or realise the incredible emotional and spiritual damage that it does. It deeply affects peoples faith if they are Christians, because it comes between them and God. It kills the marriage covenant stone dead, and if the marriage carries on, it has to be rebuilt from scratch again with a lot of repentance on the part of the cheater, and rebuilding of trust which can take years and years.

There's a poor lady on another Christian forum that I go on whose found out that her husband cheated 17 years ago. She only found out 3 years ago and she is so scared that it will happen again and has terrible terrible trouble trusting her husband, despite him being good about a lot of reasurance. I feel for her SOOOO much, I can feel her pain and struggle and I try to help. She is gradually geting better but it is SOOOO hard for her. Bless her.

Anyway, off my soap box.

[Ash78]

Thanks everyone for the input.

My wife has another man in the picture agreed. I have a woman in the picture also. I know for a fact that the woman I am seeing is a freind and that there has been no sexual liason. This woman came into my life after the separation.

My wife has told me that the other man is a freind also and certaily before the marriage ended there was no sexual relationship. Do I beleive this I do not know. I have to trust my wife perhaps.

I can appreaciate all that you have said and that you are all trying to support me and help me get through this difficult time.

Yes my wife has admitted deceit and lying to me. I am very caring, honest and understanding but I will not be a doormat just to get her back. There is something going on here that I cannot put my finger on.

On Sunday night in our conversation she says that she cannot understand why anyone would love her. I think this is some kind of insecurity and whilst any adultery IS WRONG and a breakdown in trust and in the marriage this has happened for a reason. I need to understand the reason. That is what I am attepting to get to the bottom of.

I desparately want her back but it has to be for the right reasons. I am seeing my GP tomorrow and she has been very informative and helpful to date so hopefully I can get more advise of the matter.

[chosen]

Ash you did say that they spent the night together at a hotel, which almost certainly means an affair.When she denies that it is an affair, have you ever mentioned about the hotel?Even if she didnt sleep with him until you seperated, you are still married, so it is still adultery.
My husbands ex only admitted to sleeping with the other man after their divorce and after she broke up with the lover. Before that she always said that as a Christian, she would never have sex with him.

I was REALLY surprised that you have another woman on the scene, even if she is, at this time, only a friend. I cant think of a worse idea than that to be honest. It will only confuse things further, and if you say you want your wife back please dont get involved in anyway with another woman.
Even if your marriage does end in divorce, most people recommend 2-5 years before getting involved with anyone else, and that is after the divorce. Ash I cant say strongly enough that being with another women at this time would be a total and absolute disaster. If you want support get it from a male friend,or relative or counsellor, not another women.What if she falls for you? What if your wife finds out? It could be the final nail in the coffin for your marriage. Rebound relationships rarely work, and often start because one person is lonely after their spouse has left, which is a really bad reason.

[Ash78]

I was REALLY surprised that you have another woman on the scene, even if she is, at this time, only a friend. I cant think of a worse idea than that to be honest. It will only confuse things further, and if you say you want your wife back please dont get involved in anyway with another woman.
Even if your marriage does end in divorce, most people recommend 2-5 years before getting involved with anyone else, and that is after the divorce. Ash I cant say strongly enough that being with another women at this time would be a total and absolute disaster. If you want support get it from a male friend,or relative or counsellor, not another women.What if she falls for you? What if your wife finds out? It could be the final nail in the coffin for your marriage. Rebound relationships rarely work, and often start because one person is lonely after their spouse has left, which is a really bad reason.

I have nothing to hide and will not be pursing a relationship with this other woman. I have strong self control and have no intention of having an intimate relationship with anyone. We have both made this clear from the start. It is a freindship and that is all it will ever be.

I have already spoken to my wife about it because I have nothing to hide. I have told the girl that I am deeply in love with my wife and she understands. She also has been cheated on before so she will not counternance cheating. I am getting support from many sources, freinds old and new.

[koliver0821]

Ash, you seeing another woman, even if it is just casual is something I too was astonished to hear. After hearing this, its tough to take serious your conviction towards your marriage.

Maybe I am wrong and perhaps its because your wife has been standoffish. How can you be taken seriously by your wife if she knows this other woman is in your life. Its quite possible that she doubted you ever loved her. Thats why she looked elsewhere. You may not have been there for emotionally. I doubt she told you that. Women rarely ever do. Most people hint around at it. Direct confrontations are not natural in loving relationships. People instantly go on the defensive.

Also, I sincerely doubt her relationship is "friends" only. At the very least its an emotional affair and they are just as damaging as physical affairs are. (Please look in the mirror as well)

Now, getting back to her. My wife said these exact words as well. "why anyone would love me. " It is insecurity. It is guilt as well. She knows what she did is wrong. She doesn't want to hurt you. Sadly this may even be a good sign. The problem is, this is certainly a sign of depression. Its not an excuse of an affair, only something to keep in mind.

[Ash78]

Ash, you seeing another woman, even if it is just casual is something I too was astonished to hear. After hearing this, its tough to take serious your conviction towards your marriage.

Maybe I am wrong and perhaps its because your wife has been standoffish. How can you be taken seriously by your wife if she knows this other woman is in your life. Its quite possible that she doubted you ever loved her. Thats why she looked elsewhere. You may not have been there for emotionally. I doubt she told you that. Women rarely ever do. Most people hint around at it. Direct confrontations are not natural in loving relationships. People instantly go on the defensive.

Also, I sincerely doubt her relationship is "friends" only. At the very least its an emotional affair and they are just as damaging as physical affairs are. (Please look in the mirror as well)

Now, getting back to her. My wife said these exact words as well. "why anyone would love me. " It is insecurity. It is guilt as well. She knows what she did is wrong. She doesn't want to hurt you. Sadly this may even be a good sign. The problem is, this is certainly a sign of depression. Its not an excuse of an affair, only something to keep in mind.

I never met this woman until my wife left me and in the three week period where there was no comminication. I have nothing to feel guilty about but I think I will suggest to my wife that we clear the clutter from our marriage and stick with one another.

I am very serious about my marriage. Love is different from freindship very different. I am scared of loosing my wife and will do anything to get ehr back.

[koliver0821]

She wont take it seriously my man. Im telling you. My friend used another woman as a sounding board and until it was fully clear that he wasn't talking to this girl, his wife had no interest in talking to him. I mean NO interest. At the very least, she will justify her actions. (He is just a friend. Your talking to someone else.. etc)

[chosen]

Ash, I would be very hurt if I thought that my husband would start a new friendship with another woman only 3 weeks after we had seperated. It would say to me that he doesnt care about me, if he can be seeing this other lady, even if he said it was just a friendship.
My husband and I did meet when they were seperated, but she was divorcing him, the divorce was well under way, and she wanted to marry this other man asap, so we both knew there was no hope of any sort of reconciliation. (By the way she never did marry.) We didnt get serious until after the divorce.
You on the other hand, are wanting your wife back, and there's no room for another woman in that senario. You may be able to keep her as friends, but what about her? Women have a habit of falling for hurting men and wanting to comfort them.

[Ash78]

Ash, I would be very hurt if I thought that my husband would start a new friendship with another woman only 3 weeks after we had seperated. It would say to me that he doesnt care about me, if he can be seeing this other lady, even if he said it was just a friendship.
My husband and I did meet when they were seperated, but she was divorcing him, the divorce was well under way, and she wanted to marry this other man asap, so we both knew there was no hope of any sort of reconciliation. (By the way she never did marry.) We didnt get serious until after the divorce.
You on the other hand, are wanting your wife back, and there's no room for another woman in that senario. You may be able to keep her as friends, but what about her? Women have a habit of falling for hurting men and wanting to comfort them.


Point taken I will speak with her tonight, the other woman, and end the freindship. Then tell my wife what I have done and why.

[chosen]

Ash, I really think that is the right decision at this time, if you really want your marriage to survive.If your wife eventually decides to end the marriage, then its up to you what you do, but most of us do need time to recover and heal before a new relationship. Personally it took me well over 3 years before I was ready for another realtionship, but we are all different, and I had been married for 25 years when the divorce became final.
You do need to keep the way open for reconciliation at the moment.

[Ash78]

Chosen
I never really thought about it at the time I was hurting very badly and just needed to get out to meet people. I am normally content with my own company.

[chosen]

yes I know what you mean. When our spouse leaves it is a lonely time,but it can be disastrous to start another relationship too soon. Jim Smoke, the man sho started the divorce recovery workshops and who has counselled many many divorced people, says that is why many second marriages fail, because people get involved too soon and not for the right reasons. He recommend 2-5 years of recovery time.
Do you have male friends or family that you could go out with and spend time with?

[Ash78]

yes I know what you mean. When our spouse leaves it is a lonely time,but it can be disastrous to start another relationship too soon. Jim Smoke, the man sho started the divorce recovery workshops and who has counselled many many divorced people, says that is why many second marriages fail, because people get involved too soon and not for the right reasons. He recommend 2-5 years of recovery time.
Do you have male friends or family that you could go out with and spend time with?

Chosen
I hear what you say but I have not nor will I start another relationship until I know categorically my last one is over. My wife and I are now speaking and there seems to be some self esteem issues raising its head in some of the discussions. I need to follow these up and reassure her that things will be better than before

[chosen]

Ash, in my experience, low self esteem in women is very common these days, with all the pressures on women to look and act and be a certain size, age, type etc. In fact I have found it rare for a woman to have really good self esteem. I think it is especially common when we get to that age where we realise that we are getting older and will never be young again, in men and women. Dont blame yourself for that.

I honestly think that SHE is the one who should be reasuring YOU after her affair and not the other way round, It seems that you feel you need to do all the giving and making things better when it is her that has acted badly. You cant make everything alright. Life isnt like that. No husband or wife is perfect and can meet all of the other spouses needs. They were never meant to. In fact God is the only one who can do that,and we will only ever get good self esteem through discovering how He sees us,and how much HE loves us.
My husband spent 23 years trying to be someone that he wasnt, because his ex wife didnt love him or accept him as he was. It makes for a very miserable and unhappy marriage.

By the way I am just learning all of the above myself, and also struggle with low self esteem although it has improved a lot lately. I do know however that an affair will only make her feel worse, because she will add guilt and shame to the picture. As long as she insists on still seeing this other man, nothing will even begin to improve.

[Ash78]

Ash, in my experience, low self esteem in women is very common these days, with all the pressures on women to look and act and be a certain size, age, type etc. In fact I have found it rare for a woman to have really good self esteem. I think it is especially common when we get to that age where we realise that we are getting older and will never be young again, in men and women. Dont blame yourself for that.

I honestly think that SHE is the one who should be reasuring YOU after her affair and not the other way round, It seems that you feel you need to do all the giving and making things better when it is her that has acted badly. You cant make everything alright. Life isnt like that. No husband or wife is perfect and can meet all of the other spouses needs. They were never meant to. In fact God is the only one who can do that,and we will only ever get good self esteem through discovering how He sees us,and how much HE loves us.
My husband spent 23 years trying to be someone that he wasnt, because his ex wife didnt love him or accept him as he was. It makes for a very miserable and unhappy marriage.

By the way I am just learning all of the above myself, and also struggle with low self esteem although it has improved a lot lately. I do know however that an affair will only make her feel worse, because she will add guilt and shame to the picture. As long as she insists on still seeing this other man, nothing will even begin to improve.


Chosen
I can agree with you but by my very nature I am a very excentric character that can be very hard to live with. I know and accept that she has reached a point where through low self esteem and pressures of our life that she can no longer kkep things together.
I do feel guilty about some of the excentricities that I have inflictec on her. She told me to stop and I didn't listen.

[chosen]

What do you mean by excentric and very hard to live with?After all she made the decision to marry you.

[Raymond]

I think it is good to look at your eccentricity as you call it Ash in case it has affected things. Now you are talking it is worth looking at the ways where it has affected her. Whilst we can all change there are essential parts of us that are just who we are. One doesn't want to change that but we do need to adjust to others in love. Actually although our essential self esteem comes from God there are lots of ways you can be affecting your wife’s self esteem for good.

Do you know what her prime love language is for instance? Has she gone somewhere else to get what you are not supplying? One never justifies affairs but you still need to examine any reasons that may have helped to push her in the wrong direction. Changes need to happen I think. I think it might be a good idea to look at The Five Languages of Love by Harry Chapman just in case you may have missed her love language without which she might not have perceived love in that area.

[Liz]

Just to add that there is an article about Love Languages on the site here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/cftcartoon/whatlove.html).
Liz

[Ash78]

Just to add that there is an article about Love Languages on the site here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/cftcartoon/whatlove.html).
Liz

Thanks guys I have looked at the love language I am very tactile and love hugging and kissing, I love spending time with my wife but I may have been distant, I love buying her things but never knew what to get cos I usually got it wrong, I told her all the time that I loved her and anytime she asked would help round the house.

[chosen]

Yes it is a good and useful book for any marriage.

[chosen]

The thing is it depends on what eccentric is. My husband has a tendency to be slightly eccentric. He is a very bright man, very clever in his field, has a Phd etc, and so can be very forgetful about certain things, (ie doesnt even remember his own birthday or how old he is unless I remind him.Doesnt know how old his sons are unless I tell him.) Also he goes off into his own world for hours when he is doing research or writing papers and wouldnt notice if the house was on fire, or if I was there or not. lol.
He also will go out the door occasionally to go to the shops, for example, with his slippers on and similar. He wears a bushrangers hat when we take the dog for a walk (but he is Australian so maybe he can be excused for that!!!)
The thing is, that is him. I love and accept him as he is, and he mas so many good qualities that these things dont matter.
If behaviour is abusive, very controlling, manipulative or downright mean, then that is a different matter.

[chosen]

Ash you need to find out what your wives love language is. Apparently we all tend to do things for our spouse that we ourselves like. So, for example, if your love language is physical touch, you will assume that hers is as well when it may be quality time or gifts. In the book there is a question section that helps to pin point our particular love languages (or languges if we have more than one), Obviously it helps if a couple have the same ones, (and my son and his fiance do have the same ones, which happen to be the sames as mine) but if we dont then we may need to learn to be more that way to meet our spouses love needs.

[Ash78]

Ash, in my experience, low self esteem in women is very common these days, with all the pressures on women to look and act and be a certain size, age, type etc. In fact I have found it rare for a woman to have really good self esteem. I think it is especially common when we get to that age where we realise that we are getting older and will never be young again, in men and women. Dont blame yourself for that.

I honestly think that SHE is the one who should be reasuring YOU after her affair and not the other way round, It seems that you feel you need to do all the giving and making things better when it is her that has acted badly. You cant make everything alright. Life isnt like that. No husband or wife is perfect and can meet all of the other spouses needs. They were never meant to. In fact God is the only one who can do that,and we will only ever get good self esteem through discovering how He sees us,and how much HE loves us.
My husband spent 23 years trying to be someone that he wasnt, because his ex wife didnt love him or accept him as he was. It makes for a very miserable and unhappy marriage.

By the way I am just learning all of the above myself, and also struggle with low self esteem although it has improved a lot lately. I do know however that an affair will only make her feel worse, because she will add guilt and shame to the picture. As long as she insists on still seeing this other man, nothing will even begin to improve.


Chosen
We were talking last night for two hours. She said that whilst she had spent a night in a hotel room while we were married she had not had the sexual relationship whilst we were married. The implication that I put to her was that she has had sexual contact since.

My emotions today are a complete nightmare for some reason I want to get away from them in any way I can but I cannot. I do not understand. Yes I agree that whilst this man in in the picture there is no marriage but I cannot handle my feelings.

[chosen]

Ash you are still married even if she has moved, out so it is still adultery. Hard to see why they would spend money on a hotel room if all they wanted to do was talk. They could have done that anywhere.I would take that with a very large pinch of salt.
I am not surprised that your are feeling mixed up Ash, its all very upsetting. Do you have someone that you can unload with, such as a friend or family member?

[koliver0821]

Ash- I agree with Chosen. Makes no sense to stay at a hotel room to chat. Im sure there were double beds or they paid for their own rooms. She is only trying to make herself feel better. That wasn't about you.

[Ash78]

Ash- I agree with Chosen. Makes no sense to stay at a hotel room to chat. Im sure there were double beds or they paid for their own rooms. She is only trying to make herself feel better. That wasn't about you.


Thanks guys Thursday was a complete nightmare with my emotions I think I was hurting from the fact of the intimacy with the other guy. I wish I could move on from this. Whilst I still love her very much I just want the next few months over so I can get my feeling sorted.