suicidal

[beebzy]

my wife(30) and i(38) are at the moment going through what can only be described as hell I Love her more than life itself and when your wife rejects you every time you go near her then before long you feel worthless,useless,no self esteem and lonely
we have been married only 4 years but been together 10yrs with a 6 year old girl and an eleven yr old boy from my wifes 1st marriage
Things started to go wrong when our daughter was born for a reason that makes me want to cry even thinking about it .my wife was raped as a teenager and our daughter was born on the same date the rape occurred 10 years later. since then weve made love about 6 times and although i havent pressured her for fear of even more distance coming between us i now feel i cant speak with her about it because it causes her so much pain.Hence our problems are getting worse and i feel its my fault because i cant do anything to help her get over it except be here for her ,but she wants me to leave.I cant leave her or my kids because they mean the world to me but i need to feel wanted and she doesnt understand this and says its only sex i miss. I miss the cuddles and affection and she cant see my point of view.Now to make things worse,a girl who is 19 years my junior is flirting with me.At first i laughed it off but then she started saying things and now makes it clear she wants us to have an affair.I dont know what to do up until now i have spurned her advances with excuses ,Ilove my wife but i am becoming weaker the longer this goes on,i havent even kissed her so its not like weve done anything wrong is it?but i dont know how long i can go on i feel so pathetic and low just now i wont go on much longer please help! this is my only means of talking to someone else about this as i dont have that many friends in the area we are in .Thank you

[Kate]

Please don't give up on your marriage, despite the terrible pain you are obviously going through. You certainly both need help, but particularly your wife. Is there any one she can talk to about it, to begin to help her to face up to her need for help? Eventually she may need some counselling to come to terms with what has happened. Did she have any help at the time of the rape? There are agencies often based locally specifically set up to help people recover from this horrendous experience. You can check out the web or Yellow Pages for such information.

Sometimes such an experience can be made worse if an abortion was also involved. Few people seem to realise the long term emotional consequences that can occur after an abortion. You can find help from organisations like CARE (http://www.pregnancy.org.uk/cfl_10.htm).

Your difficulties seem to have been developing over a period of several years and with the complications of a previous marriage it may take some time to unravel things.

She and the children won't be better off without you, so stick with them. If you can, find someone, such as a trusted friend or counsellor to talk to about your own pain and rejection, so your hurt can be shared. It's very hard when you judge you are being misunderstood and your love thrown back in your face, but I guess she is so mixed up she doesn't see things very clearly. We often take out our hurt on those we're closest to.

The forum here is always there if you need somewhere to talk anonymously.

You may well have to be patient and continue to reassure her that you love her and really want to sort things out. Remember it will take tremendous courage for her to seek help to come to terms with what happened in the past. Perhaps you will be able to find an opportunity to encourage her to seek help both for herself and advice for you both in your marriage. You might like to look at what's available in the Counselling area (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/counselling/).

Try and avoid the temptation of the other woman. It may seem like a relief to be wanted by someone, but it will only be a temporary comfort and it certainly won't help your wife or your marriage. Be firm with the woman concerned and make sure you are alone together as little as possible. Remember your value is in who you are as a unique person, not in being wanted by someone else. You may feel worthless, but you are not! Each of us, including you, are of infinite value. Your little family is precious too, so stick with them.

[This message has been edited by Kate (edited 18 January 2001).]

[beebzy]

Thank you so much for your reply.It is good to know that there is someone, even unknown to talk to about this.We have been to marriage guidance and after about 3 or 4 visits my wife didnt want to go back.She went to a rape crisis counsellor and that too only lasted 3 visits before she gave up on it.She just cant seem to get it out of her system and i do have every sympathy with her but after 6 years of this ,i just dont know if ive got the fight for it anymore.She makes me feel so small in front of other people its as if shes blaming me for the rape because we eventually had a kid on that date and i was the one who made it all come back to her.She has hit out in rage on 4 occasions because things were just too much and probably because i'm nearest to her its me who gets it,usually with whatever is at hand.This is the first time i have told anyone about this part of our marriage because men just dont tell on things like that.It makes you seem really worthless ,when your being hit by the one you love,and you dont just stop loving them because of this,its all down to this rape and before you ask.No i have never and would never lift a hand to any female never mind my wife ,even though at the worst moments it certainly goes through your mind.I will try and ignore the other womans "charms" not only because i love my wife but because i know it wont make me feel any better within our marriage after the act,it would only add to the grief i'm feeling just now,but i couldnt cheat on her because i know how it feels to be cheated on too,my first wife cheated with numerous people and when i left that relationship i vowed then that i wouldnt put anyone through the same pain as i felt at that time.Thanks for the speedy reply, i am feeling at least a little bit brighter today just by getting your reply although this empty feeling is in my gut all the time and thats the feeling i want to lose

[Kate]

Dear Beebzy,

It does sound as if your wife is transferring some of her hurt and resentment for what has happened on to you. There are a few resources on Handling Conflict (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffhurtforg/) and on coping with abusive relationships (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/womenrisk/). You may find that word too strong for what has been happening with your wife, but you're obviously very hurt by her negative attitude and anger and it also might help you understand something of what she went through when she was raped. We've entitled the latter area Women at Risk, but some of the articles acknowledge that men can be on the receiving end sometimes. Abuse often arises when someone is hurt or damaged themselves from past experiences.

Some of the things that can be done to build up any relationship are to try and build common interests and friendship, shared experiences, perhaps organise family trips out with the children. Try to build up your communication, and show your appreciation of her and try and counteract that negative image she has probably got of men. If you can hold in your mind that the root of her anger is in what happened to her as a teenager, then perhaps you can take the attacks a little less personally. But remember it's easy to blame everything on that, rather than being honest about your own mistakes.

Keep on acknowledging your feelings and finding a way to express them safely rather than burying them or bottling them up, here or with a friend or counsellor. That way your feelings won't drive your words and actions and you'll hopefully be calmer and stronger to be there for her.