Jeolousy

[Unregistered]

I am new to this so bear with me. I have been with my husband for about 4 years but married only a few months. I have always had issues with being jealous. Unfortunatly, I think I set myself up by falling inlove with a man that is very flirtatous and what he calls sociable. The majority of the time when we go out, I find him sitting with other women talking, laughing and recently he is dancing with other women, grinding and all of that. He tells me that I need to get over it because he is going home with me, he's not interested in any of them, and that I need to mingle more. Mind you before him I was a social butterfly. In the begining of the relationship I worked really hard not to let my jealousies get the best of me, but he didnt flirt as much as he does now. Most of the time is is when he has been drinking. Lately, it has gotten very painful for me and I dont know how to get past it. We are having a lot of conflicts at home in our marriage and so my insecurities are sky high. He is very distant, cold and short with me most of the time. When I have asked him, he says that he is not sure he wants to stay in the marriage, he doesnt want to live the rest of his life like this. It is really difficult for me to keep my cool when he is paying all of his attention to one women at a party, or when he leaves me sitting at the bar, by myself while he and his buddies stroll-then after sometime I start to stroll and see them talking to girls, and he seem like he is having a really good time and then I come along and he seems distant, almost like I am intruding. I have tried to explain my feelings but he says I am just insecure or jealous and its getting old. I dont know what to do, but the anger, pain and dipression is getting old. I want the attention he is giving them. I have tried so many things, even letting him go by himself with his buddies, which include women. I still get nervous and angry and jealous. Now I am or have lost my marriage.

Please give me some hope.

[Liz]

It's hard to see what is cause and effect here. certainly if you are having basic difficulties in your relationship, then that will encourage your husband to head off with his friends or other women when you go out. I don't think that's reasonable behaviour, but it may be his way of coping with his disappointment in your marriage.

On the other hand his attitude is not helping you to sort out your relationship problems either.

Have you had the chance to talk to him and find out what it is he is looking for in marriage and from you, and what he thinks his contribution to the marriage should be?

Often people go into marriage with particular expectations and then don't know what to do if these are disappointed. The usual response then is to go back to old attitudes and behaviours from before marriage to shut out the pain and disappointment. You may each have different expectations too.

You might find it helpful to do a relationship inventory like FOCCUS (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/marenhnonres/foccus/) or Prepare/Enrich (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/couplequiz1/) which would give you some hints about where you need to work at things. Another possibility is to do a marriage enrichment programme (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/), which are designed to give marriages a boost and a new sense of direction. If there are serious problems then counselling (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/counselling/) may help.

The key is to get your man to do something to move things on. In the meantime you might give some attention to that low self worth (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/healthcomm/selfesteem/) and insecurity. Sit down and write a list of your strengths and gifts. Think about what would make you feel more confident - a new hobby or a change of hairstyle. Show him what he's missing by heading off with others. Believe in yourself!

[Unregistered]

I have asked my husband these questions and he doesnt have any real answers, just that he says its all in my head, that he hasnt warrented my jealous behavior.

How do I go about dealing with my jealousy of other women in his life(he say they are friends, co-workers)? I dont want to be like this anymore, I want to be able to trust my husband.

Example he gave, his co-worker is a female & she has a little boy around the same age as my daughter. They have the same days off, which unfortunatly, I work on those days. There are things that they could do together, with the kids, just for fun. He stops doing these things because he doesnt want to deal with my issues anymore. He says it is very frustrating because he really just wants to show my daughter different things-motorcycle ride, water sports, other things that involves his job, which she also has these commen with him. I really sad thing on my part, is I like her too, she is very nice.

I hate that I am so jealous, and it doesnt help that my husband is very flurtatious, or he says friendly and sociable. I have always had jealousy issues, I just wish I could figure out a way to trust.

If anyone has any advice, please help me to find the knowledge, guidence, anything to help me to trust.

[Kate]

I guess what Liz was driving at in her previous reply is that the root of jealousy is often our own low self worth. If we are secure in who we are and our own intrinsic value, then we don't tend to struggle so much with jealousy. Your husband is probably right to say you are insecure, but he obviously has his own problems and doesn't seem to be willing to help you, which is really sad, so you'll have to try to tackle it on your own at first.

Trusting is about both people, the way they are and the way they behave. Trust is decision we make and involves a risk. None of us can ever be sure that our loved one won't make a mistake and hurt us, just as none of us can ever be sure we won't be tempted to do something hurtful ourselves.

You are obviously open to doing something to help your self from what you have written. Getting to know and understand the deep seated attitudes and beliefs that you have about yourself is one way to free yourself from jealousy.

Larry Crabb's books like Inside Out (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/books/insideout/) and The Marriage Builder (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/books/marriagebuild/) are very good.

In the end you can only change things about yourself, but then perhaps your husband will have the sense and courage to address some of his own issues!

[Unregistered]

Thank you for all of your advice. I think for me I find it hard to trust or I am scarred to trust because I have been a victom of an affair in a past relationship, actually he had a few of them. So it is really hard for me to trust because I see the same sinarious happening with my husband and his female friends or just women he meets when Im around. I hate that I am like this and it is very frustrating, not to be able to control my thoughts, emotions or anger-which gets really bad sometimes when I feel threatend.

I want answers now, and I want to be fixed now, but the reality is it took me a life time to get here and my fear is that it will take a life time to correct it, or even scarrier is that I will stay this way. Unfortunatly, I cant seem to stay in today, I constantly worry about tomarrow, or what if and it runs my life. I am truely exhausted with all of this, and it hurts really bad because I cant save my marriage, but I have/must work on me so this behavior doesnt continue in my life. It just hurts because, I truely love my husband and I dont want to seperate. I dont want any of this. I know I cant help my marriage or save it, but I really wish I could and I really wish I could control my insecurities and gain self esteem

[Kate]

Please don't give up on yourself or your marriage. See what you can do to help yourself and seek professional help if you can or read one of those books.

When I'm down in a hole and really struggling I find it hard to have hope and believe there are possibilities, that my problems can be sorted out. But when I can pull myself up a bit, I realise that there could be better times around the corner.

There is no reason why you can't get through this. You've acknowledged the pain from the past, which has made things difficult in this marriage, so you have begun to take steps in the right direction. There are some articles on feelings (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/relbasictopic/feelings/) and anger (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/relbasictopic/anger/) on the site - again perhaps there may be something there to help.

One of the hardest things is sometimes to take the first steps forward and to walk in hope. My hope for you is that you can begin to do this.

All the best

Kate

[Unregistered]

I was a little imbarrassed, because while I was reading your response I started crying. Thank you.

I do try to keep my hope. It is very hard. I think that I am doing a little better and my husband reminds me that Im not or I should say he just get frustrated with me. We are not really talking these day, because he says he just gets frustrated talking to me-about anything.

Its very frustrating because, I am trying to do things different, talking thinking ect., but it comes out wrong and then he gets mad and I cry. Things are such a mess, and it doesnt help that I put my self in cituations or I ask questions I should be asking. He tells me that I need to stop thinking about next week or next month because he could be gone by then. I am in so much fear and my insides-I cry so much, I cant control it. I hear curtain things and not the hole statement.

Example "4 of July" he isnt sure if he want to do the family thing because 2 weeks ago he planned to do something by himself (which includes drinking, women in bathing suits-1/2 naked and more) Unfortunatly, I made the mistake of thinking I was invited so I told him that I was trying to get a sitter but was having a problem. He plainly stated that I was not invited that origanaly he was going by himself. Then he finds out that this party on the river may not be on a day he can go-work. So know he might be able to do the family thing unless 1-were not getting along or 2-something better comes along.

So I am hereing that Im not wanted, that family day might be ok because my daughter is involve. I realize that my thinking is so miss and match that I only hear peices and usually I interperate it as against me. I mean he says not to think about anything past a couple of days where we are concerned because he may not be here then. Its really frustrating because, when I talk to him-lets just say I cant communicate things to him, I construde everything he says differently. Its just as frustrating for me as it is for him. Its just more stuff add to the things he already is frustrated about in our marriage and I feel like Im in quick stand.

I am going to CODA meeting, but I cant afford counseling around here-wish I could it is very expensive. When paycheck comes I am going to go out and find a/some books to also help. Im crying again-boy I really wish this would go away, I feel so helpless, I just want to run to him and have him tell me its ok, Im not going anywhere, just work on yourself and we'll be fine. WISHFUL THINKING. Well I have to dry my eyes and get back to work.

Thank you again for your help.