Trying to save marriage after wifes affair

[bravo161]

Hi everyone,
My wife and I have been married for 17months and I really thought she was the one however on 19th august my world came crashing down around my ears. I arrived home from work to find my wife stood in the kitchen white as sheet, I new instantly something was wrong. When I asked her, her bottom lip started to tremble and she told that me she was leaving and had been seeing someone else for the last three months. This was the shock of my life I honestly no matter how many ways I have looked at it did not see this coming or suspect anything. We had a bried chat about the other guy, sadly he has a wife, a child of 2 and a child of 4. The strange thing is whether through shock or not the first thing I said was that she should think about this poor family that she is breaking up and the chances of him leaving all this for her was very slim. She then went to her mothers and I have not seen her in person since. She has not tried to apologise and I am the one doing all the begging to save our marriage, however now I have realised it shouldnt just be up to me and have eased off for my own self respect but still she is not making any efforts to save things, she wants to sell the house, she has taken the dog and is now living with her father. I have heard from friends that this guy wants nothing to do with her. To give you a bit more background my wife joined the police force and it basically changed her over night, the guy she was seeing is a married police sergeant and the struck up a relationship on her days off whilst i was at work. Her job is the only possible reason I can see for this as she worked 3 out of 5 weekends and many nights shifts so we hardly spent any time together, I used to get frustrated with this but she never did. Maybe I should have seen the writing on the wall long ago that I was slowly coming second in her life but I cant get over how she kept it secret, we have had two holidays in the time the affair has been going on. It turns out this guys wife found out which is why she was forced to tell me. I just dont understand why she isnt trying to apologise and has gone so cold its almost like she has died because it was all snuffed out so quickly.

[Raymond]

Looks like the relationship cannot proceed any further and she knew she could have been exposed and told you before that happened. I would make doubly sure by confronting this police officer if you can, even through the police station if that is not possible. (Is this what we pay our taxes for?). Better right out in the open.

What her attitude will be now who knows but she seems to be in shock and has high tailed it. What is needed now is a sorry and even repentance for what she has done in undermining the marriage and your trust. Whether you will get this remains to be seen but if you don't get it I don't see how you can continue on as before. Certainly do not put yourself in a position of begging as in the present circumstances that could be an invitation to treat you as a doormat. Give it time but look for signs of that apology.

Raymond

[arcos]

If you, YOU, want it to work then hang in there for a while but don't beg!

If SHE wants it to work then she will come and talk to you and, hopefully, make some kind of apology. It is up to you then to decide if you can forgive and forget totally, 100%.

If you cannot forgive and forget 100% then don't even consider reconciliation!

It will just eat you up and destroy any efforts made to rebuild the relationship.

Take some time out yourself and think long and hard about what YOU want!

Hope it all works out for you for the best, whatever "the best" is!

[koliver0821]

I almost complete agree with Arcos.

You do need to forgive. HOWEVER, you can never forget.

I think you are doing the right thing about not begging her to come to her senses. I can give you some background on what she might be feeling as my wife came clean about her affair to me as well.

But before that, One very important thing you need to do. GET TESTED FOR STDs. RIGHT AWAY. I DID. IT CAME BACK NEGATIVE. HUGE RELIEF. HUGE PIECE OF MIND. JUST DO IT. MAKES SENSE DOESN"T IT?

After my wife came clean about the affair, she was probably as low as I have ever seen her. (Probably the reason your wife isn't talking to you in person. She doesn't even love herself) I told her I was willing to forgive her. That I loved her but we would need to take things slow. My wife couldn't believe that I could forgive her. (To tell you the truth, either could I. For years, I told her that I could never forgive anyone who cheated on me. My wife was constantly up my butt regarding any female acquaintance. It would seem a bit hypocritical for her to cheat on me.) We would need to rebuild trust. IN EACH OTHER. We needed to spend more time together. We need counseling to air our grievances.

If and only if, you are want your marriage to continue, I would suggest the following:

Invite her back into the house. Not for the sake of the relationship. For the sake of the children. Tell her the children need their mother in their lives. Right now, they feel abandoned and I think the best thing in the interest of the children is for you to be here. That doesn't change things between us. We obviously have to work things out. One way or the other. I need to figure out what's best for me.

Take it extremely slow. Go out with friends. Be sure to examine what may have been missing in your relationship. What could you have been doing better? I know she was the one having the affair but look inwards to see if you may have played any part in her looking elsewhere. I know its tough. Especially when an affair is involved.

[bravo161]

Thanks everyone, all good advice so far, just to be clear fortnately there are no children involved from my side of things, sadly his wife has two very young children. I know deep down that it was her job that drove a wedge between us, we could never plan ahead, I would feel like the single one in a group of couples on a night out, she would do 4 night shift then on her first night off would go out with work and yet she could never see why this would make me angry and frustrated.