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sarah
12th June 2002, 09:54 PM
I would like advice. I made a complete mess of my marriage. I have two children and have been married for eight years. I love my husband but emotionally he is very unavailable to me. He doesn't notice me at all and I began to feel like we were just roommates. I have talked to him about all of these things but he would just get extremely mad and yell, scream, and throw things because he says he doesn't like to deal with problems.

I began talking to my husband's co-worker about some of these things. He has been married for over 24 years so I thought if anyone knew how to stick it out in a marriage he did. Well after about two years of talking to him occasionally, we began having an affair. I cannot believe I did this because I am very much against affairs. But he noticed me. He complimented me constantly, called me several times a day and just gave me the attention that my husband never has. This went on for three months. I never wanted to leave my husband for this guy for several reasons. However, I did want him to always be a part of my life. We have been friends for eleven years. He assured me that we would always be friends.

Well his wife started to pick up on the fact that something was going on and he cut off all contact with me right away. I know this was for the best but I had gotten so attached to him over the years. And I had never had sex with anyone except my husband before this affair. I just want to know how to get over my feelings for this guy. I still drive by his house. I still think about him constantly. I want to get over this and concentrate on my husband and kids. I know that I deserve every bit of pain I'm in and I beat myself up constantly. I just want to pick up the pieces and go on. It's been over for six months and i'm having trouble. Advice anyone?

GTR
13th June 2002, 12:27 PM
Sarah, you don't deserve the pain you're in. You seemed seriously lacking in having your needs met by your husband, and that doesn't mean they (needs) no longer exist because he doesn't want to know about them. He sounds like a pig.

Instead of constantly thinking about the other man (he seems to have made his position clear), why don't you come to a decision about whether your husband will ever be able to meet your needs and address that issue. I think if he won't, then you are setting yourself up for a life of misery, which isn't what life is supposed to be about.

Sometimes marriages die, it's a fact, and you're not the first person to have gone through a marriage bust-up (if that's what you're contemplating).

How would your husband react if you told him that you are SERIOUSLY NOT HAPPY ANY MORE, and unless counselling can assist with changes for everyone, there is no future together. Especially when he won't deal with problems. Will that make him stop and think Don't put yourself in an unsafe situation though.

People get themselves into awful situations sometimes, you probably could have chosen a better path, affairs always end up painful for someone.

My thoughts are with you. By the way, I am a betrayed spouse, so I sit on the "opposite" side of the fence if you like. However, compassion doesn't choose sides, it's just something we feel for others who are in pain. Pain is pain.

Dave
13th June 2002, 01:49 PM
Dear Sarah

The pain, anger, and confusion you are feeling are both real and valid - Your heart longs for a deeper and more fulfilling relationship, yet your head knows that the affair was wrong and has been ended. Now you long even more for the acceptance you found in the other man. These things are natural, and the pain you feel is simply a sign that not everything "hangs together" for you.

In her posting below GTR expounds the "if it isn't working, then walk away" philosophy - I have to say I don't agree!!

First of all, your husband isn't the "bad guy" (or pig to quote GTR) - I'll bet when you married him you thought he was wonderful, and loved him to bits - keep that picture in your mind, because that's the guy with whom you exchanged some pretty deep promises. Right now he's struggling because he doesn't relally understand how to respond to your needs, and feels very threatened when you present things as "his problem" - and he hates problems that make him feel inadequate. What does that tell you about his needs?? He probably desparately wants to be shown that he is valued and loved.

GTR rightly talks about the impact of unfulfilled needs - the problem with her solution is that it assumes that the way forward is to find someone else who (magically) will meet your needs - there is no such person!! If you go through life looking for such an individual you will simply end up disappointed and disillusioned!! Strangely, when you married you didn't enter a 50:50 proposition (I'll scratch your back if you'll scratch mine), you said "I will" - period - no if's or but's. The way forward lies in recognising that you do have needs, and accepting that when they are unfulfilled it hurts - sadly life does hurt sometimes - that's what "for better or worse" means. Then I'd start to look at the ways in which you can understand and start to serve your husbands needs - really put the bit between your teeth and be determined to make your marriage a success.

You might judge you need extra skills and help - think about some personal counselling and coaching (but choose your support wisely) - or take a look at some of the great books here. In particular I'd recommend "Marriage Builder" (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/books/marriagebuild/) by Larry Crabb and "The dance of Connection" (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/books/dancecon/). Both will provide you with real insight on how your interaction is affected by your needs.

Later - as your husband starts respond to the way you are focussing on serving his needs, you may both decide that some form of enrichment programme is right for your relationship - but don't rush this, it needs to flow from both of you realising that this marriage is worth working for and a desire to take that forward, not out of a sense of obligation to each other.

You have all the resources you need for this - if you will use them!! Over 75% of couples who decide to work through their problems (rather than walk away) express themsevels "satisfied, or very satisfied" with their marriage within 5 years.

Do feel free to come back with more questions - we're here to help.

Sarah
13th June 2002, 10:24 PM
Thank you so much Dave and GTR for your responses. Especially thank you for being so non-judgemental about the whole thing. Because I judge myself. I know what I did was wrong. Whether my husband was meeting my needs or not, I should not have turned to someone else.

I really want to work this out with my husband. The affair ended at the end of the year. We were having a lot of problems because the man's wife was really threatening me so my husband knew something was going on. The boyfriend told his wife that the only thing going on was him and I would have telephone conversations. He only admitted that much because she had his cell phone records. She has cheated on him before so he doesn't feel the same guilt that I do.

Anyway, I didn't want to lie to my husband anymore. So I arranged for a babysitter to watch my kids and my husband and I went away for the night. I was determined to tell him everything because the boyfriend was holding this over my head -- if I did this or that he was going to tell. Plus I just wanted my husband to know the truth. So I told him how I'd meet up with this guy and before I could tell him about the sexual aspect of the relationship he said "Please don't tell me that you had sex with this guy because it would eat me from the inside out." I felt horrible. Here I had this affair because I thought my husband didn't love me and wasn't attracted to me. So I told him how we'd talk on the phone, I told him the gifts this guy gave me, I told him everything but the physical part of it.

But now I still am divided on whether or not to tell him. I don't want him to leave me and I don't want to crush him. But I also don't want to live a lie. I want to be able to be close to him again. Also a factor--he works with this guy. At first they still talked but since our overnight talk, they avoid each other. The other guy is looking for another job because he was unhappy at his job to begin with. What do you guys think? I am such an honest person that I don't know if I could keep something like this quiet for life, but I don't want to hurt my husband and I don't want the other guy mad at me because if my husband finds out, there is a chance his wife will as well. Help!