is a managed seperation a good thing

[feeling alone]

hi everybody, just really want some opinions regarding a managed separation.
i suggested this to my GF,and she says it may help.thing is i don't know what time scale we should look at,2 months.3.4,6? what contact do you feel we should have,weekly,fortnightly,monthly?
i know i have my issues,that i am now addressing and going to see a psychologist to try and help me,i really want to be able to show how much i love her,but i am unable to when we are together. in the past i have actually broke down emotionally and cried, asking myself i know i love her,why cant i just show her!!!
i sometimes feel as if i am a really bad person,but sometimes see the good in me, like when we last split up for 6 months,i used to have my children every weekend Fri-sun without fail,took them on holiday for 2 weeks to Florida, it was hard work with 2 of them,and i think i needed a holiday for myself when i came home, i know this is what fathers should do and its natural for me,its just some fathers don't give a damn about there children when marriages break up.
i work hard,never taking time off sick,i am faithful and believe in staying faithful. i have my impulsive problem,like buying things when it would be better spending the money to help our future.my temper that i am seeking help for.
i am worried that she is communicating with someone on face-book,i became suspicious and confronted her,so she changed her passwords,and has locked her phone and put it on silent. i have asked her if there is anyone else and she says not,but I'm not sure, if there was anyone else do you think she would agree to a separation with boundaries.
my mind is so mixed up,any advice good or bad would be appreciated. thanks Phil

[koliver0821]

Whose Idea is it? Why a separation? If you think she is communicating with someone on FB than she probably is. Hence why she is looking for a separation.

Tell her if this relationship is going to continue we need open communication. Stay away from relationship talk and make sure everytime you see her, you are the happiest person in the world. (Even if you are not)

I think its important that you start doing stuff for your kids and yourself. That is all

[feeling alone]

the separation is my idea, i feel we have not made a great effort when we have got back together, we do love each other,and i feel with counselling we could make it work.i have some issues,i just wonder if it is worth doing or not. thanks Phil

[UpandDown]

Hi Phil

I'm sorry you're going through a hard time but also wanted to congratulate you on wanting to work on your problems of which you seem to have a couple......

A few things stood out for me in your post:

1) You are right taking your kids at the weekend and on holiday is exactly what you should be doing, and yes it is hard. It's hard for the primary carer to be doing it for the rest of the time! This is not something you should be using to see you're a good person though....

2) You never take time off sick - this rings alarm bells.

3) A lot of your problems (not being able to show her you love her, impulsive buying and your temper) are all problems my husband has.

So I know you have a therapist so that's great, hopefully you will get to the bottom of it and your GF will be able to wait for you if she sees you really trying. You should go by the advice of the trained mental health professional that you are seeing regarding the seperation though - no one else can advise you as the reason you want it is because of your mental health issues...

Regarding the other stuff, my husband and I both have poor boundaries I am realising (reading the book "boundaries") his from low self esteem where he never feels good enough. Do you think this might be your problem?

Sorry if this isn't particularly helpful. I hope you can work out what's best for you.

Love Kathryn
x

[feeling alone]

hi kathryn, why does the never having time off sick ring alarm bells?
yes i feel i am nevr good enough.
by having the kids i mean i dont just desert them like some fathers do.
im not trying to say i am a saint because i love my children,just that i dont desert them.
i am trying to get help to prevent me from ruining any further relationships i may have.

[UpandDown]

Hi Phil

Not taking time off sick could either mean you are incredibly healthy and in tune with your body, but more likely it's not a good sign as most people do get ill at some point no matter how happy they are and how good their immune systems are. To me it points to someone who's self-worth is bound up in doing the right thing and in trying to earn respect from others and from yourself.

Sorry about the comment about your kids - of course I commend you for what you are doing. What I meant was, not having your kids every weekend wouldn't make you any less of a good person. In fact, if you were taking some time off for yourself that would potentially help you be a better person in general, but only if you were able to use that time to help you with your issues. i.e. having the odd Sunday off from seeing your kids won't help if you spend the whole day feeling like you "should" be looking after them (how old are they btw), however, taking a day to spend some time with a friend and do some exercise might...... Or I could be talking out of my ar*e!

Reality of the situation is I don't know how to help you with your self-esteem issues. If you are open minded and can find a good practitioner (and have the money to pay for it!) hypnotherapy is supposed to be the best treatment for low self esteem. I would sit here and say "you are good enough" and I'm sure your friends, family and GF would also say that, but I know from experience it would mean absolutely nothing to you.

I'm no expert, but I would lay money that all of your issues (such as anger, spending etc) are all bound up with the not feeling good enough problem. But, as I said before, exploring that with a therapist is the way forward. Openmindedness is the key. You may have to look into your past, particularly your childhood to see why you feel this way. And that doesn't mean blaming your parents....it just means understanding how you have arrived at this point.

If you can bear the Christian slant and you are a reasonably quick reader, I would very much recommend you read "Boundaries." It talks a lot about people in your situation.

Really really hoping you have success in your journey and wishing you lots of luck.

Love Kathryn
x

[feeling alone]

hi Kathryn, no offence taken by your post, i hope i didn't come across as though i did.
my children are 13 (girl) 10 (boy) i understand what you are saying and certainly if i had plans to go away with friends for the weekend or just having a day for myself i wouldn't worry about not having them,but when we split up last time,they were my rock,and they helped me through a bad period in my life.
i have left the home now and i am staying at my sisters, we talked about my childhood and my seeing a psychologist,she said to tell him about when i was a baby,maybe two yrs old i used to rock back and forth,and i wouldn't stop,this made me remember i did this in my sleep up until i went into care at around 11,then it gradually stopped.
she also suggested hypnotherapy as a good thing,i will look into that one.
regarding my GF,i have my suspicions,and ATM that is all i can think about,I'm off to the doctors in the morning to see if he can help,i know though if she is just seeing if the grass is greener again,that is the end for me and her,i will never return to her,if there is no-one else then good,at least she didn't leave me for some-one else this time. it will all come out in the end. speak soon Phil xx

[layfield]

yeah depends upon opinions of different persons but thanks for asking it here

nice!!