I'm Scared!

[babytoluv]

Hi! I'm new to this site. I don't know much about this site only that it looks like it is from the United Kingdom. I'm from the US so I hope I don't offend anyone by posting on this site.

To make a long story short, about three weeks ago my husband of six years told me that he no longer loves me and that he is very unhappy with our marriage. I'm only 32 years old and we have a 10 month old son together. I'm afraid that my marriage is crumbling and there's not much that I can do about it.

I still love my husband. I don't understand how all of this came about. Apparently he was feeling this way for three years and never bothered to tell me. It was after a fight that we had three weeks ago over who was taking care of the baby, that started all of this. We had counseling one year ago because of some communication problems but I thought that we solved most of our problems. Apparently, he wasn't satisfied and didn't tell me. He felt that things would get better between us.

I don't know if any of this contributed to our problems but we have been sleeping in separate rooms for the past 10 months because the baby is up alot during the night and it was the only way that we could get sleep. One of us would sleep near the baby and the other would sleep in the bedroom. Also, we have been taking turns with the baby, i.e. feeding him, bathing him, etc. Our parents think that contributed to this.

What may have also contributed to this was that I work from home and he is unemployed but going to school. He is at home a lot now, unlike conventional couples where the husband works and the wife stays at home. I try to be around the baby as much as I can but when I work, he has to take care of him.

I'm really scared. This is my first marriage and I want to stay with him. Is there any hope for us?

Thanks!

[Kate]

Welcome to 2-in-2-1. we are based in the UK but we have lots of visitors from USA and around the world.

The first few years of marriage can be very challenging especially when you start a family or have other pressures. Many marriages go through a stage of disillusionment. At first we can be a bit starry eyed about each other and then the realities of lving in a close relationship kick in. At this stage we can become disappointed by both our partner and by married life. It's not quite what we expected. At this stage couples often withdraw from each other because they don't know how to handle and face the disappointment. This just makes matters worse.

The baby's arrival seems to have pushed you even further into emotional separation despite being at home together a lot. Although it feels scary, there is hope if you are both willing to work at things.

There is a section on the site called The Early Years (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/healthearly/) with some articles that you may find helpful.

Try and find ways of doing things together, looking after the baby together and having fun too. Don't divide the jobs up, do them together and take an intertes in each others work and hobbies. Isn't it time baby managed ina roon of it's own. Wakign in the night can become a habit after 9 months. I had one like that and he had to learn that Mum and Dad weren't on call all the time to give him a cuddle and attention in the middle of the night. Then you ca get back into your own roon again together with your husband.

Let your husband know that he's still special and number one. Ask him what he thinks would make your marriage good and what he needs from you and then share the same from your point of view. Keep talking and above all listening to what your husband is saying and the person behind the words.

Another thing I would recommend is a marriage enrichment weekend (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/). They are designed to give marriages a boost, for example Marriage Encounter (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/marenhres/meang/) which is available in USA (see the links page on their web site) includes a look at disillusionement and how you can come through.

There is hope!

All the best

Kate

[GTR]

Yes, we too had a baby (my third, so I knew what I was doing so to speak) who was still waking through the night 2-3 times at 11 months of age. As we were both working, this became a nightmare.

Finally after driving around at 1.00am one morning only in my dressing gown trying to get the little $hit off to sleep, I decided I'd had enough.

We went to the doctor, who prescribed a combination of over-the-counter medications to get the baby out of "the habit". We all know 11 month olds DON'T need to be fed 2-3 times in the night. She had teeth for godsake (no it wasn't teething!)

We used the medication for two nights, yes only 2 nights, and the problem was fixed. That's it. She's 4 and half now, and we've never looked back. I wish I'd gone to that doctor 6 months earlier!

Go and talk to your doctor. Sleep deprivation is a terrible thing over a prolonged period. You need your bed to yourselves, as a place for just the two of you. A baby is part of the family, but that won't be any good if there isn't the two of you there as well.

Good luck.