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Kid_Of_God
23rd June 2010, 01:51 AM
My husband is a little “too nice”… a little “too friendly”… a little “too affectionate” with women. At first meeting them, he treats them as though they were friends, or family, that he has known for his whole life. He greets them with huge smiles, hugs, kisses, and touches them affectionately, by running his hands up and down their back and arms. He proudly boasts in himself, seeking to gain approval and compliments from them. Whenever I confront him on it, he says, “Oh honey… lighten’ up… I’m just joking around”. He is very naïve’ to what he is doing, and denies that he is purposefully alluring these women to be attracted to himself. He brushes it off, like it’s nothing, even though it breaks my heart, and grieves my Holy Spirit.

Through much prayer for wisdom and guidance, the Lord has led me to this website for the answers. I would like for my husband to hear the perspective from fellow practicing Christians. I would like him to hear from somebody else, besides me. I am calling to every one of God’s people who is taking the time to read this, to take the time to offer your Godly wisdom. I am asking you to PLEASE HELP ME, by answering some of the questions I have listed below. PLEASE share your Godly wisdom with him, in an effort to help him open his ears and eyes to “see the truth”, through the eyes of Our Lord. Jeremiah 3:15 Then I will give you sheperds after My own heart, who will feed you on knowledge and understanding.



Why does a happily married man who gets plenty of love, affection, attention, and praise, from his wife, look to other women to boost his ego? Why does he need this validation from anyone besides God, to “feel good” about himself? What is the real underlying issue going on inside of him?
Is it wrong to proudly boast in yourself, fishing for compliments from a woman and intentionally wanting them to be attracted to him? Is accepting those compliments proudly and haughtily, with a big grin, from ear to ear, considered as acceptable behavior?
What kind of signals is he sending out to these women and why does this betray his wife? Should his wife trust him when he does this?
Is going over to a single woman’s house “alone” considered inappropriate…or even a married woman, if her husband is not at home? Should he be putting himself into that position?
Why does God consider a flattering, enticing woman, who seduces a man, to be unclean and wicked?
Why would a Godly man be allured by the very evil of her actions? Why would he purposefully persuade a woman to flirt back with him and reward the ungodly behavior of a seductress? Why would he be enticed by the devil that is working inside of her?
What should a man do in order to honor, protect and defend his wife’s dignity, and not allow a strange woman to bring shame to her?
What does this behavior say about the state of the man’s heart and character?
What does God have to say about a man looking/gaulking at a woman’s body?
Does nice clothes, (or very little clothes), pretty hair, make-up, high heeled shoes, and a flattering tongue make a woman complete? Is being drawn to women by these superficial things considered worshiping an idol or graven image?
How does flirting with other women betray the purity of the marriage bed and violate the boundaries of the marriage? How could this behavior destroy our marriage?
Is it hypocritical to make a claim to Godliness while continuing in this sin?
What are the steps he needs to take toward correcting his behavior, and why?

Raymond
23rd June 2010, 01:06 PM
Hi Kid. Why is flirting sin and destructive to marriage? You know the answer to that. Flirting means you are sailing on the borderline of mental adultery and perhaps worse. Our wives are no. 1 and anything sexual should always be in relation to them. Who knows what is in his mind when he carries on like that. Has he got such a low self esteem that he has to prove he is held in esteem by these women in front of you, not to mention what he may be stirring up in them? There should be a sanctity about sexual expressions which should only be reserved for the marriage partners.

People may have all sorts of excuses when they behave like that but they are putting themselves into possible temptation and when the circumstances are right can one be sure that they can resist? We are not to be ignorant of the enemies devices. It could be that he has a vanity about himself and has to have it proved all the time. Whatever it is it is a bit childish and not really considerate of your feelings. There should be a certain propriety for a married man in relationship to other women. Even a scant reading of scripture would reveal that. As an example I would never pray or counsel a woman alone without another woman there. This type of thing is standard in most churches.

It is hard for me to judge the spirit behind it not being there. Only you will know that. Does he think he is spreading love and acceptance around? There is a fellow in our church who puts his arms around some of the younger female folk pulling their hair etc. They are girls who came through the youth group but are now in their twenties and he seems to be in innocence about it. Everyone knows and that's just him.

Are these women christians?

Raymond

Raymond
23rd June 2010, 01:19 PM
With regard to all your bullet points you raise a lot of good points which time forbids me to engage just now. Suffice it to say that sexual temptation through the eyegate is a biggy for a man, but of course we have to resist and only look to our wives for the satisfaction of these urges. There is a deception about it as it would only lead to misery and a damaging of our marriages but such is the nature of temptation in that it is fancifully packaged. One does learn in the end to handle it and our wives play a big part in this. We can all be sure that we will be tempted in different areas but we do not have to enter into it because of His strength.

Raymond

Trinity
23rd June 2010, 07:19 PM
I think you both need to get some Biblical advice and maybe counselling from your pastor or someone else from your church. He can stop this, but only if he chooses to do so, so all you can do is pray that he does. What he is doing is really dangerous and I can totally understand you feeling so hurt. This is sin that your husband is commiting. Confront him with this sin and let him know you are not going to accept it. If he repents, forgive him and work at restoring the relationship. If he does not repent you need to have some consequences in place that you are willing and able to follow through on. You can still love him and forgive him but he needs to be held accountable for his actions. This is a matter of maturity (or lack of it in his case. Your husband needs to stop playing Don Juan and stop playing games with God.

Raymond
23rd June 2010, 07:57 PM
Good points Trinity but I am wondering what consequences a wife can put in place without manipulating or controlling her husband?

I am wondering also whether this is the consequence of something from his childhood. Was there a broken home of something of that nature KoG?

Raymond

Kid_Of_God
24th June 2010, 01:07 AM
Hi Kid. Why is flirting sin and destructive to marriage? You know the answer to that. Flirting means you are sailing on the borderline of mental adultery and perhaps worse. Our wives are no. 1 and anything sexual should always be in relation to them. Who knows what is in his mind when he carries on like that. Has he got such a low self esteem that he has to prove he is held in esteem by these women in front of you, not to mention what he may be stirring up in them? There should be a sanctity about sexual expressions which should only be reserved for the marriage partners.

People may have all sorts of excuses when they behave like that but they are putting themselves into possible temptation and when the circumstances are right can one be sure that they can resist? We are not to be ignorant of the enemies devices. It could be that he has a vanity about himself and has to have it proved all the time. Whatever it is it is a bit childish and not really considerate of your feelings. There should be a certain propriety for a married man in relationship to other women. Even a scant reading of scripture would reveal that. As an example I would never pray or counsel a woman alone without another woman there. This type of thing is standard in most churches.

Are these women christians?

Raymond


You ask if this could stem from something from his childhood? That's what gets me. This man has the most lovely parents and they are some of the most awesome Christians I have ever known. He was raised up in a good home and also in the Church. He KNOWS BETTER! You asked if the women were Christians? NO... that's the part that kills me and what I don't understand. I do agree that he has a low self esteem, and somehow he has to get down to what causes that.

Raymond
24th June 2010, 08:40 AM
He sounds like he has had a better upbringing than most of us so it is obviously not that. Some things are just plain wrong and we need to put them right. Maybe it's just immaturity and naiveness on his part. Maybe he was so sheltered that he just doesn't understand. If he is going on with God it will surely become apparent to him eventually. It's difficult for us to gauge on here whether it is suggestive or just an over friendliness. You will be able to judge better where he is coming from but if it was actual flirtiness then that is serious. Are you free enough to talk to his parents about it who may have some insight on it?

Raymond

Raymond
24th June 2010, 01:05 PM
· Why does a happily married man who gets plenty of love, affection, attention, and praise, from his wife, look to other women to boost his ego? Why does he need this validation from anyone besides God, to “feel good” about himself? What is the real underlying issue going on inside of him?

To take one of the bullet points as a start.

This is a difficult one as we all like affirmation from others. To blow your own trumpet to get it though is immature. As the scripture says let another praise you and not your own lips. Flattery though to gain advantage is something else. The kind of attention he appears to be seeking seems to relate to his image as a desirable man. As you say this should come from our wives. They know us intimately and can make all the judgments. Anyone’s else’s opinion on this area is false and not based on truth and relationship. What he seems to be seeking is a worldly affirmation based on sexual attraction perhaps. Why he should want this when he is happily married is anyone’s guess. I have heard of it from women who feel rejection from their husbands and go out of their way to prove to themselves that they are still a good catch. It is a kind of insecurity really or maybe it is to make you feel you are lucky to get him to cover over something else that he is failing on. Who knows?

Raymond

Kid_Of_God
24th June 2010, 03:47 PM
·Why does a happily married man who gets plenty of love, affection, attention, and praise, from his wife, look to other women to boost his ego? Why does he need this validation from anyone besides God, to “feel good” about himself? What is the real underlying issue going on inside of him?

To take one of the bullet points as a start.

This is a difficult one as we all like affirmation from others. To blow your own trumpet to get it though is immature. As the scripture says let another praise you and not your own lips. Flattery though to gain advantage is something else. The kind of attention he appears to be seeking seems to relate to his image as a desirable man. As you say this should come from our wives. They know us intimately and can make all the judgments. Anyone’s else’s opinion on this area is false and not based on truth and relationship. What he seems to be seeking is a worldly affirmation based on sexual attraction perhaps. Why he should want this when he is happily married is anyone’s guess. I have heard of it from women who feel rejection from their husbands and go out of their way to prove to themselves that they are still a good catch. It is a kind of insecurity really or maybe it is to make you feel you are lucky to get him to cover over something else that he is failing on. Who knows?

Raymond



Thank you Raymond for taking the time to reply to all my posts. This is exactly what I prayed for when I first posted my story... that Godly men and women would write back and share their Godly wisdom. I really believe that if my husband hears the "maturity" of other Godly men, it will help him and humble him. So again... thank you for being so diligent in your responses, and God Bless you for your helping me out.

Raymond
24th June 2010, 06:02 PM
KoG by all means keep writing but I would point out that there are not a lot of christians on this forum. It is more of an open thing here. If you really want a broad spectrum of advice you could try a christian marriage site. One I know is www.themarriagebed.com (http://www.themarriagebed.com) Some of it is pretty frank but if you choose your section you should get a good smattering of christian opinions which should be consistent.

I was thinking today about whether you knew what his love language was? These are ways which we feel love in a special way without which it may not fully be perceived.

These are Gifts, Quality time, Touch, Acts of Service and Words of Affirmation. Just a thought. I found out that my wife's was touch (not to be confused with sex) and I wasn't doing it properly in hugs holding hands etc. Just a thought.

I think my comments above cover your second bullet point so I will try to get time to look at number three.

Raymond

Raymond
24th June 2010, 07:28 PM
What kind of signals is he sending out to these women and why does this betray his wife? Should his wife trust him when he does this?

It is a sure thing that some of them are getting the wrong signals. Some women are not beyond having affairs with married men and can indeed pick up on the body language portrayed here. Fundemental really.


Is going over to a single woman’s house “alone” considered inappropriate…or even a married woman, if her husband is not at home? Should he be putting himself into that position?

Again it is leaving oneself open to temptation and is again sending the wrong signal. Definitely not appropriate if it is a social call.

Why does God consider a flattering, enticing woman, who seduces a man, to be unclean and wicked?

Come let us take our fill of love until morning: Let us delight ourselves with love. for my husband is not at home; he has gone on a long journey: He has taken a bag of money with him and will not be back until the appointed day. With her enticing speech she caused him to yield. With her flattering lips she seduced him. Immediately he went after her as an ox goes to the slaughter. Till an arrow struck his liver. As a bird hastens to the snare, he did not know it would take his life. Prov 7:18-23. Speaks for itself really as do many scriptures on the matter.

Raymond

Kid_Of_God
25th June 2010, 05:31 AM
Wow... I got some really good input here. Thank you Raymond. You certainly do have the mind of Christ. God Bless you for taking the time to respond to all this. Words could not express my sincere gratitude for you doing so and your works will be rewarded. It really is helping me to reaffirm what I already knew, and is strengthening me to take up the courage to pursue encouraging my husband with all you have written. As for your "love language" question. I don't really know which one I could pin it down to, as we are a very loving couple. We always hold hands, give kisses, hugs and touch each other all the time. We also speak loving and encouraging words to each other all day long. This is what bothers me most. We do not have any marital problems. We are a happy couple and very much in love in all aspects. I believe that it is just a matter of my husband lacking spiritual maturity and knowledge, and he doesn't really go "too deep" in his conversations with other men. I believe that is what he should be doing, and talking with you is really helping me to encourage him to go that way.

Raymond
25th June 2010, 08:47 AM
You sound like you have a very good marriage KoG apart from this problem with your husband. I know that you are an encourager and that is a very powerful thing for a wife to have in a marriage. There is power in your tongue and the way you use it. It really is very powerful and he is fortunate to have someone like you.

He should never ever look at anyone else the way he looks at you. I trust through your prayers and encouragement that he will see this problem. Marriage is very precious in God's sight and the bedroom is blessed but as it says in Song of Solomon watch out for the little foxes that spoil the vine.

I will go through your other bullet points as it is a good exercise anyway and reminds us and besides your thread has had a hundred views already.

Raymond

Raymond
25th June 2010, 01:02 PM
· Why would a Godly man be allured by the very evil of her actions? Why would he purposefully persuade a woman to flirt back with him and reward the ungodly behavior of a seductress? Why would he be enticed by the devil that is working inside of her?

Even a Godly man can fall. Look at David. However we do not need to if we cultivate wisdom and reliance on the spirit in that area. Cultivating the right habits helps tremendously what we watch, what we listen to and what we say. Why can a Godly man fall? Allowing the enemy in at those unguarded moments? We should not be ignorant of his devices nor of the unseen battle going on. All of us have certain weaknesses and they are the places where we can be tempted at certain times. Being aware of this and knowing ourselves, we should be able to fortify ourselves in that area and not lay ourselves open. The scripture says that he that thinks he stands take heed less he fall. Humility would seem to be a help here and being honest about our weakness, even confessing them to others that we may be prayed for and healed. To actually encourage this temptation is just madness and could show a hidden lust problem that needs dealing with.

· What should a man do in order to honor, protect and defend his wife’s dignity, and not allow a strange woman to bring shame to her?

All of the above of course. We seriously affect the intimate side of our marriages when we allow our sexual drives to flow towards others. Even when it is just in the mind as in pornography it can seriously affect our marriages and would be a kind of mental adultery. Sexual things are very important. Outside of marriage it is called fornication or adultery. Within the marriage it is blessed and even a duty. Proverbs speaks of being intoxicated with our wives only and not allowing our fountain to flow out into the streets.

Raymond

Raymond
25th June 2010, 06:40 PM
What does this behavior say about the state of the man’s heart and character?

One cannot judge another but it obviously shows a problem as we have discussed.

What does God have to say about a man looking/gaulking at a woman’s body?

Verse that comes to mind is Jesus words. "If any man looks on a woman to lust after her he has committed adultery in his heart already. Job in 31:1 says I have made a covenant with my eyes; why then should I look intently upon a young woman. This is where David fell as discussed previously.

Does nice clothes, (or very little clothes), pretty hair, make-up, high heeled shoes, and a flattering tongue make a woman complete? Is being drawn to women by these superficial things considered worshiping an idol or graven image?

Mmm. I like to see my wife dressed attractively in a modest way. We are told that man looks on the outward appearance but God looks on the heart. If we judge only by outward appearance we can get it very wrong. Nevertheless we should each make the most of ourselves. Of course if the dress is provocative then the wrong signals are being sent and lust can be aroused which is bad news for the man and the woman also. I think there can be the element of worshipping an idol as anything exalted above God can be an idol.

How does flirting with other women betray the purity of the marriage bed and violate the boundaries of the marriage? How could this behavior destroy our marriage?

It most certainly can destroy a marriage and has. Nothing is static and these things can build and grow in us. If we allow it to grow it can become a tree with big roots which is very difficult to remove. Better to do the weeding by cultivating our relationship with Him. It's not so much walking on a tightrope more of acknowledging and asking for God's help, strength and forgiveness.


Is it hypocritical to make a claim to Godliness while continuing in this sin?

I think it is hypocritical for anyone to make a claim to Godliness in their own strength. We are totally reliant on Christ for our righteousness, cleansing and forgiveness. It is a question on whether the problem is being dealt with or not. First must come a revelation of the sin before we are ready to acknowledge it.

What are the steps he needs to take toward correcting his behavior, and why?

First it is relationship with Christ and listening to the promptings of the Spirit. If it is as bad as you say God will be bringing the needed conviction that leads to repentance. However we can be stubborn and know how to block out revelation that might mean inconvenient change. How much do we want God's best and how much do we know that He always knows what is best for His children?

Raymond

Kid_Of_God
26th June 2010, 08:46 PM
Again Raymond... thank you for taking the time to reply to all of my points. Not only do I believe that your wisdom will help my husband tremendously, but it has also offered me great peace in knowing that I am no longer alone in my thoughts about this matter.

Daniel
28th June 2010, 01:12 AM
I found a website that I thought might be helpful. There's some helpful tips, many of which pertain to the questions you have listed. www.christianadvice.net/christian_marriage.htm

What the Bible says about Christian Marriage
Marriage was instituted in Paradise when man was in innocence (Gen. 2:18-24). Here we have the Christian marriage service its original charter, which was confirmed by our Lord, as the basis on which all regulations are to be framed for marriage (Matt. 19:4, 5).

Christian Marriage is a permanent, committed relationship
Matthew 19:5-6, TLB.
'And that a man will leave his father and mother, and be forever united to his wife. The two shall become one - no longer two, but one in matrimony! And no man may divorce what God has joined together'.

What importance is given to Christian marriage?
"Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral." Hebrews 13:4.
Our Lord corrected many false notions then existing on the subject of marriage (Matt. 22:23-30), and placed it as a divine institution on the highest grounds. The apostles state clearly and enforce the nuptial duties of husband and wife (Eph. 5:22-33; Col. 3:18, 19; 1 Pet. 3:1-7).



Marriage is said to be "honorable" (Heb. 13:4), and the prohibition of it is noted as one of the marks of degenerate times (1 Tim. 4:3). It is is used to represent the union between God and his people (Isa. 54:5; Jer. 3:1-14; Hos. 2:9, 20). In the New Testament it represents the love of Christ to his saints (Eph. 5:25-27). The Church of the redeemed is the "Bride, the Lamb's wife" (Rev. 19:7-9). Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. Hebrews 13:4

if only one partner is unbelieving . . .

what are marital duties for men and women?
To the men . .The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband.(1 Corinthians 7:3). Since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. "Matthew 19:10 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. Romans 7:2 The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife.

Christian Marriage requires submission of both partners!
"You wives must submit to your husbands' leadership in the same way you submit to the Lord. For a husband is in charge of his wife in the same way Christ is in charge of His body the church. (He gave His very life to take care of it and be its Savior!) Ephesians 5:21, NIV. "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ."

How should husbands relate to their wives?Ephesians 5:25-28, TLB.
"And you husbands, show the same kind of love to your wives as Christ showed to the church when He died for her. . . That's how husbands should treat their wives, loving them as parts of themselves. For since a man and his wife are one, a man is really doing himself a favor and loving himself when he loves his wife!

Husbands should honor their wives. Peter 3:7, TLB.
"You husbands must be careful of your wives, being thoughtful of their needs and honoring them as the weaker sex. Remember that you and your wife are partners in receiving God's blessings, and if you don't treat her as you should, your prayers will not get ready answers."

God promised a virgin for Christ!
I promised you to one husband, to Christ, so that I might present you as a pure virgin to him. 2 Corinthians 11:2

The seventh and the tenth commandments guard marriage. Exodus 20:14, 17, NIV. "You shall not commit adultery." And "You shall not covet your neighbor's wife."

settle misunderstanding fast! Ephesians 4:26, TLB.
"If you are angry, don't sin by nursing your grudge. Don't let the sun go down with you still angry -get over it quickly."

the Bible forbids physical or verbal spouse abuse Colossians 3:19, NIV. "Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them."

Keep the relationship growing in unity and understanding. Ephesians 4:2-3, TLB. "Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other's faults because of your love. Be led together by the Holy Spirit to be at peace with one another."

is there an acceptable reason for ending a marriage? Matthew 5:32, NIV. "But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to commit adultery, and anyone who marries a woman so divorced commits adultery."

how long is marriage intended to last?
"By law a married woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord.1 Corinthians 7:39

who should we marry? II Corinthians 6:14, RSV.
"Do not be mismated with unbelievers. For what partnership have righteousness and iniquity? Or what fellowship has light with dark?"

what about romance?Proverbs 5:18-19, TLB
"Let your manhood be a blessing; rejoice in the wife of your youth. Let her charms and tender embrace satisfy you. Let her love alone fill you with delight.

Raymond
28th June 2010, 10:40 AM
Thank you Daniel. Couldn't be clearer.

Raymond

Kid_Of_God
29th June 2010, 07:53 PM
Daniel... thank you for that website with all the scripture. I am with Raymond... it doesn't get any clearer than that. I know the Word like the back of my hand. My bible is so used, that I have literally worn down the binder with my thumbs. As I am reading, I share it with my husband. He reads the bible too, but he does not "study" it like I do. Studying the scripture and reading it over and over again, is what it takes to get it down into your spirit. Then, when temptation comes, the Holy Spirit convicts us, by "remembering" all those words that we have studied. So thanks again... and pray that it will help in my husband's healing.

Kid_Of_God
3rd August 2010, 10:25 PM
He is a single man in a married man's body...complete because of all the privileges you provide, but never quite satisfied. His heart is unfaithful, and he is double minded. You THINK he is a Christian, but his "FRUIT" shows he still is in love with the world and all it has to offer concerning other women. So sad and sorry for you...my husband is EXACTLY the same and I have no trust or inner peace because of it. I feel UGLY and ashamed. He is also heavy into HOLLYWOOD starlets since I demanded the PORN be stopped. There are many other things, but suffice to say that your husbands need for that type of validation is a testimony to his lack of commitment to you and to the LORD.

I am sorry that you have to go through this too. The pain is insurmountable and they just don't get that. It's an ongoing agonizing sword in the gut every time he walks out the door. How in Jesus' name do we get them to see the consequences for their sin? How do we get them to open their eyes and ears to hear? Thank you so much for responding to my post. You have brought me great comfort. I just said a prayer for you and your husband. Take care and God bless.

Kid_Of_God
10th August 2010, 10:20 PM
I have had to emotionally distance myself from him...yes, that is the consequence he will have paid...if he ever notices it. This took alot of work on my part to pull it off. I live in a way that is pleasing to my heavenly husband and realize this is only a temporal home here. I leave conviction to God concerning my husband... and if I catch him actively persuing another woman, then I will take appropriate action as the Lord leads me to do at that time. Meanwhile, I just view my husband as a spiritually SICK man and everything he does is to be expected in his condition...sort of like watching symptoms of a person with a progressive disease.

Thank you for your compassion...it is very comforting to know I am not the only one who has to find another way to live in a marriage that does not reflect the Love of Christ.

I hope that your husband recognizes what he's done to you. Mine, on the other hand, just lives in denial and is progressively getting worse. He just got a new job working with ungodly men. Before he started, he PROMISED me he would not let them sway him, but already they are asking him to go out for drinks after work. He doesn't have the strength or willpower to say NO as he is easily enticed by ungodly sinners. (Men and women) So now I not only have the pre-existing problems with his lust and flirting, but I have drunken tramps to contend with on top of it. Now... I just got word that he needs to go out of town for two weeks for work. How am I supposed to live with that one? Wondering what he's doing while he's away from me... having no male accountability along with him. I am SICK INSIDE to think of what he will do in that time and I just don't know what to do anymore. I can't just sit back and let him go out and have an affair. I cannot deal with that kind of pain. The emotional and mental rollercoaster is ENOUGH. I am in prayer, but people can't change people. Only God can do that.