Married 6 mnth, now he want divorce

[Unregistered]

My husband and I have been together for 4 years, just got married 6 months ago. He wants out because I am damaged his trust and many other things by my drinking. I have recently, gotten help and I am changing a lot of the things that he complains about, but he says he still wants out. On day he is nice, were getting along good, the next day he is mean, bitter, short and angry. I am looking for hope, anything to help us. Oh yeah, he doesnt want to do counseling because "he's not sure he want to stay married to me", being I am an alcoholic, codepenant person.

[Kate]

Counselling can be helpful whether or not you are both committed to making the marriage work. If your husband is unsure whether he wants to stay with you, counselling might help him to clarify this, so you could ask him again to go but with no expectation from you about the outcome. You could agree to a fixed period and then discuss where you want to go after you've done that. Walking away from a relationship isn't going to hlep either of you as you just try and brush the issues out of the way and in fact bury them to erupt in any future relationship.

There are other things that you could try, like FOCCUS (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/marenhnonres/foccus/) and Prepare/Enrich (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/marenhnonres/prepinc/) which are inventory based programmes which are administered by a facilitator, who helps you look at the weak and strong points in your relationship and decide what you want to do about them.

Has your husband had any contact with Al-Anon (http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/) for partners of those struggling with alcohol problems? He might find that helpful. There is a section in the First Aid Kit (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/marfirstaid/index4.html) on this site on drug/alcohol problems in marriage.

Best wishes

Kate

[Unregistered]

I have tried to talk with my husband only to hear more painful things or thoughts that he has about me and our marriage. He says that he doesnt want to spend the rest of his life dealing with my issues. Its not just my drinking issues, its so many others. My parenting skills, drinking habits, insecurity & jealousy flaws and I am sure there is more.

He claims he wants to seperate, that he only said divorce out of anger and that he isnt sure about that, but he is very sure that he wants us to seperate again. In essence he wants me to go away and fix myself and then we can go from there.

In the mean time I have to wait for the axe to fall-wait for one of us to afford to move out, and during all of this, not drink, go to my meetings, seek counseling and fix or try to resolve all of my issues, at the same time deal with the pain of being rejected, not feeling like Im wanted, and wanting to work threw or out our issues-knowing he want out as soon as possible, because his gut tells him he needs to step away for awhile.

Man I am so tired of crying-and he just gets frustrated, doesnt understand why I cry so much. "Just deal with it, move on, dont think about the future, just focus on yourself and your daughter-give me my space", "but I DO care about you-just dont think I want to spend the rest of my life with you".

Its really hard to stay in the moment, and not think about the inevedible, let alone wonder when it will happen, today, next week, next month. On top of all this I have started a new career and its very hard to concentrate on anything these days.

Thank you for your help thus far, please keep your thoughts, prayers and helpful tips coming.

Very Lost

[Kate]

Dear very lost,

You really are in a tough spot. I do wonder why it was you began to drink? Often people get addicted to alcohol because they can't cope with life and find the alcohol soothes the pain for a while, so right now you are trying to wean yourself off that and cope with your husband being unwilling or unable to support you emotionally. It must feel very lonely as if you have no way to escape the pain and self doubts and meet your emotional needs for love and worth.

What your husband is saying is that he cannot give all that you seem to need. If you are in a very needy place emotionally it may seem too much for him. It's quite hard to give to someone who is very needy, because what you give never seems enough and so you withdraw to protect yourself. I expect you are thinking "well even something would be better than this", but would it? He has told you that he does care. Why not start from that. Also he has suggested that you focus on supporting your daughter. There is another thing you can do.

You have a new career, a daughter who you can have special times with and a husband who does love you, but at present can't see what the future holds. You actually are achieving quite a lot by being a mother and having a career. You have some good things in your life. Why not practice working on the things you can do and enjoying the things that are good.

Many years ago, I broke up with a special friend. I felt devastated, but during the time that followed I actually began to discover a bit more about who I was and how I could stand on my own two feet at least for a while. I still wanted to share my life with someone special, but I wasn't any longer dependent on someone and seeing my life only in terms of whether they valued me or not.

Hang on in there

Kate

[Unregistered]

Thank you very much for your help thus far. I started to drink a long time ago to deal with the emotional and physical pain from my daughters father. Drinking myself into ablivian helped me to deal with him cheating on me and being treated as a prisoner. I did finally escape only to escape with added luggage.

As for my insecurity with my husband they are very strong. Every weekend he goes out with his single friends. Example-my daughter & I went to a friend of his house (female) to celebrate her birthday. It was a family thing, lots of kids..... He calls to say he is bringing a buddy, without asking his friend if it was ok, let alone knowing I am there and that that might make me feel a little ackward-which it did. He showed up with his buddy and left after dinner with his buddy-not with me. I felt truely aughful. I cried the hole way home.

I have tried to explain to him that I feel like he spends more time with his buddy's than he does with his family. Every Friday he goes out with the guys, when we go out he brings his buddy's or his female friends-which most of the time I am left alone while he mingles. I had to ask him to go out on Fridays because before this request he would go out Friday and Saturday. I continuesly feel like I am a burden whenever we go out together, I always feel like his buddies are more important. I hurts to know that when he goes out he stays with his bud's, talking about girls and other things, maybe even picking up on them and then we go out and he roams, he says "Im just trying to meet people, or Im with you 7 days a week, give me a break".

Lately, my insecurities have gotten worse, nowing one day its will be the last day and soon. I feel like I am on an emotional rollercoaster, one day things are great and the next Im treatend by his ideas of our future-what little there is.

Unfortunatly, I am starting to think that maybe he doesnt want to be married. He seems to enjoy the single lifestyle more than the married, except for the financial end of it, possibly. I observe other married couples, most of them dont party every weekend like we do, and I dont notice there husbands or wifes going out a lot without their mate. Maybe my ideas of marriage are different than his? I have no answeres, it seems as if I get lots of excuses or ways things should be from him. I get very frustrated because I try to talk to him about my insecurities and he usually turns it around to where I am confused, or in the wrong. Nothing ever gets resolved or changed unless I do the changing.

I am frustrated, sad, even sick to my stomac a lot of the time. It is very difficult trying to deal with my emotions and not let them explode, especially when he's taking off to see his friends-male or female.

Thank you again for your help, its very helpful to get some idea or thoughts on my situation.

Still very lost