other women's attention to husband undermining

[Unregistered]

My husband and I have been married for about 9 years and we have a great marriage. We are both devoted and faithful and enjoy each other very much. He is a sensitive man and a good listener. In his business he encounters primarily women clients who absolutely fall for him. They gush all over him and I wish I had a dime for every time someone has told me how lucky I am (I'd be lucky and rich). Sometimes it really gets to me. I do not doubt his fidelity but I think he enjoys the attention and it sometimes makes me feel insecure, especially if it's an attractive woman. If I bring it up he acts as if it's entirely out of his control or he plays dumb. There have been a couple of times that we have fought about it and I always end up portrayed as the over-jealous wife and then I feel twice as bad. It has now kind of become a taboo subject so I suffer in silence. HELP! I don't want to feel like this. I think it's undermining my self esteem and I get a little obsessed with the whole thing. I'm starting to doubt myself over all of this. Am I over-reacting? Is there a healthy way to deal with this?

[jacqui]

hi, I read a really good book called 'The dance of anger' (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/books/dance/) basically it said that instead of pointing the finger at your husband and saying stuff like 'you do this or why don't you do that' you should instead say 'these events are upsetting me, I am feeling bad about these events and I don't know how to deal with it'. in other words you must turn the whole arguement around and it is no longer his behaviour but your feelings that are the subject. That way he can not reply 'but i'm not doing anything' because that isn't the problem. Try and get him to see that it is you who is suffering and that you need his help. You have no doubt found that your discussions about this issue always follow a set pattern ( hence the dance). Just try it and see if it works, just replace the words 'you' with 'I'. I did try it and found it really helped. My partner could not deflect the issue because there is no threat. I didn't go in shouting 'you make ME feel bad' but 'I am feeling bad because I am finding it hard to deal with'
Hope that makes sense
jacqui

[Unregistered]

Your husband should "hear" you and pay attention to anything that makes you feel insecure. My husband always had female friends and a few times one in particular made me very uncomfortable. Everytime I brought up how I felt about her behaviors, I was told that I was over reacting and exagerating...guess what - eventually they had an affair - he really liked the attention and it became like a drug to him. I cannot tell you the pain I have felt these last ten months...bottom line, your feelings are to be respected - voice your objection and if he doesn't listen, ask him to imagine you behaving as sue does towards Bob and ask if he'd be pissed.