going out my mind

[pennyD]

hello,ive never posted a thread in my life ,but i really need some help
some backgroud,im a 44 yr old mother of two teenagers,i live in the uk and have been married 22yrs
we have always had a happy loving marriage, and i always thought he was the love of my life my soulmate and there was never any doubt in my mind we would grow old together.
that all changed 7 months ago,he started doing things out of character,he forgot my birthday ,our anniversary,valentines day ,and he staying on the computer till 4 and 5 am
since the second year of our marriage we have slept in seperate bedrooms because he has terrable snoring prob ,but that never bothered us or stopped us from being affectionate or intimate.
just over 6 months ago i got curioues as to why he was staying uplate and i stood outside his room.to my horror i heard him talking to someone, i quickly moved back to my room in shock
trying to rationalize it i came to the conclusion i must have been wrong.but the next night with doubs in my mind i listened again ,and again i heard him talking to someone,i opened his door to go into his room but the door makes a noise so by the time i was in the room he was lying on top of his bed doing nothing.
The next day i sat him down and chatted to him about what i thought i had heard from the past two nights,he told me he loved me and would never do anything to hurt me , i was his soul mate
happy in his answers i went about my life for the next two weeks,but then he started being reluctant to cuddle me ,or kiss me ,he came up with reasons of sore throats,headaches,
then the sex just stopped,ive tried everything to get him to notice me,to even just hug me
some form of closeness.
ive had so many open talks with him,he always says the same thing i love u,theres nothing wrong , and the newest thing is he says im going mad.im loosing it
he says this to me so often now im actually questioninh myself ,am i going mad?
he says he doesnt have a mobile phone his broke but night after night i hear the phone being switched on,
i have loved this man with all my heart and soul, and put everything in my life on hold to make his happy,seeing to all his needs, ive brought up our children ,i see to the house everything .my life s revolved around him and our kids.
i have no family,no friends as i gave up work once the children were born,im now on my own in a marriage were there is limited talking, no affection ,no sex at all,and every day is the exact same as the day be4.
im so unhappy , so sad,so lonely ,and crying out for some form of affection
for any one who suggests leaving him ,i cant.until i get some concrete proof im stuck here otherwise he would twist the kids round and blame things on me.
i went from being in the best marriage in the world to the lonelyist

[Raymond]

Looks like something might have happened online leading to contact by mobile Penny. Could be anything going on. Sometimes people get bored and contact someone, become verbally sexual and then get trapped and cannot break it even against their better judgment. You can almost be certain that a cyber relationship is happening. Does he have the computer in his room or is it just the mobile?

Whatever it is he appears to be hiding it. Your best bet is to find out what is going on and then confront it. This is not going to do him or you any good. Try and not drive it underground but when you are sure and he cannot deny it confront him. This doesn't have to be in a militant way. It should be firm and sure. The more you can bring it into the light and expose it the better chance he has of dealing with it.

This is one of the big evils of our day and is negatively affecting thousands if not millions of marriages. That and pornography which hopefully isn't the case here. I would invest in getting clued up on these things so that you are not taken unawares. He is being silly and has fallen for it because it is so easily available with the technology that we have these days. Hopefully you have caught it early rather than years later when it could be too late. It can be a kind of mental adultery so it is very serious.

Keep posting.

Raymond

[pennyD]

hello raymond, thankyou for your reply ,
In my heart of hearts i know this is most definetly whats going on , im just unsure what way to go ,
You are right i do need to get clued up and find out for definate, he knows a lot about computers so i have little chance of finding anything that way , ive downloaded some programs on finding email , finding hidden chat ect but im sure he has some sort of encription programe running,
and trying to find things he has hidden made me feel really guilty, after 22 yrs together i would never of dreamed id be searching the computer,or feeling like this.
We have the computer in the living room , but he doesnt get off until i have went to bed till 4 or later and its then when he goes into his room i hear the phone switching on, and have heard the chat.
I was searching the internet today and found voice recorders not 100percent that would be the way to go , part of me says , i shouldnt , just go back to my life , pretend everythings as good as it was before this, the easy option,but the other side of me needs to know, so i can stop being a fool and move on with the rest of my life, and to stop living in a bubble by pretending my life is great ,and that he loves me with all his heart and soul
I apologize for rattling on ,im happy i stumbled on this board ,makes me feel alittle less alone , with people going through similier things.
thanKyou again for your advice
take care,
penny

[Helen_uk]

Hi Penny,

I went through this 3 years ago with my then partner of 6 years. It's an absolutely gut wrenching feeling and I can empathize with how you're feeling. For a long time after my suspicions were aroused I tried to ignore the whole problem, kidding myself that ignorance is bliss.. but once you have an inkling it's impossible to ignore.

One thing I will say is be very sure you can handle whatever you may find out , if you decide to go down the route of checking up in any way . There are methods and ways of finding out , key loggers that can be installed on a PC and track every key stroke and these are installed and then " hide ". Once you know something you can't unknow it and if your H is up to no good , you have to have a plan of action to deal with that . If he's innocent and he finds out that you've been checking up he will never trust you again.

The fact that raises suspicion in my eyes is the secrecy of his behaviour , things done in such a covert way are normally not good news. Only you can decide if you want things out in the open , and only you can know whether you can handle it. .... actually you may not know until it happens.

My ex almost destroyed me , and the things I found out where far worse than I'd imagined , he lied openly to my face and denied it to the bitter end , even almost managing to convince me I was going nuts ! It was only afterwards, a good couple of years afterwards to be honest, that I could look back and appreciate just how awful a time it was. When confronted with the " evidence " he went totally ballistic and blamed it all on me for checking up on him. The stress I lived under was indescribable .... I can see that now, I'd gotten to the point where I didn't trust him at all, and if we weren't together , I mean actually in each other's company - which obviously nobody is 24/7 - all I could do was worry about what he was up to, I couldn't even go shopping alone without stressing about him being alone with the PC and his ( permanently on silent or switched off ) mobile phone. It was hell !

I really do feel for you Penny and I think you have a really hard decision to make , you've been together a long time and that makes it so much harder for you than it was for me.

Hugs

Helen x

[pennyD]

Hello helen,
This sounds excactly what im going through,ive never once in our marriage had any suspicions llike this,until i heard him,
now its all i think about, and just like you when i go to the shop or out on a errand im wondering if he is phoning her,
I cant put a keylogger on the computer as hes a expert with computers, so me trying to find anything out that way is a no go
I need to find out one way or the other , if he isnt doing anything , then i will treat him like gold and love him even more than i do now <if thats possable>
Im going to go and buy a recorder of some sort, i know when i do i will feel like the worst wife in the world ,and hate myself for it but i think its the best thing to do ,
then i will find out for sure ,put my mind at rest
I need to do something as i cant go one more day barely talking and waiting for my daily one peck on the cheek<that sort of makes me feel like when your gran greets you> not a husband
who says he loves u.

time for my bed now,and another sleepless night
thankyou for your reply
much appeciated
take care
penny

[Raymond]

You said Penny that he may be doing nothing but all the signs you have given on here point to something going on. Do you really have to know eveything that may be happening? Would you be able to handle it as Helen suggests? Actually I don't think you have to know everything but I think you do have to know if he is being unfaithful. And yes porn and these other things are a mental adultery which often lead to the real thing. I would say you do have to know what is going on. To live in dreamland and pretend that nothing is happening could end in bitter tears in the end. Must better to face up to what is happening now.

My thought is that he could be a husband who has gotten into trouble for falling for temptation. That is putting a better spin on it and you are the only one that can help him to see this if you find out, thats if he will not admit it as Helen's situation turned out to be. I don't think you have to be a technical expert but you need to know enough to see what is going on. It is natural for you to want to know as it does affect the marital intimacy that you have. It cuts right to the heart of it in fact.

You can be sure if he has any character about him at all that he will be feeling guilt at least I would if I ever did it. It would be a sin against my wife more than anything else. If there is any decency in him he will feel this so you need to still keep encouraging the good but confronting this kind of thing as well. When and if you find out that is.

Try not to be controlled by fear as that is a bad master. You are entitled to know what is going on. Is it an invasion of privacy when he may be carrying on mental adultery? I don't think so. You have a right to know.

Raymond

[Confusedkag]

HI Penny
I really hope you can get through this without persecuting yourself too much. I don't have to much to add to what helen said really.
I too have a husband who started off with "cyber cheating", chatting and flirting online, staying up until early hours of the morning on the internet. I have drove myself mad for years and still am. 7 months ago the cyber thing developed into actual infidelity which has torn me apart. We have only been together 10.5 years married for 3, so not as long as you two. I've tried to make it work since but have recently found more e-mails, messages etc.. So although I still love him I have made a decision (the hardest one ever) to seperate.

I would hope that in your case it could be stopped before anything physical happens (if not already) and you can rebuild your marriage. But you need to know the truth first otherwise you will find it impossible to move on.

This is obviously just my point of view due to me going though a similar thing.

Which ever way things work out just remember this is not your fault, you need to be strong and you need support around you.

As a side note - the flippen internet has a lot to answer for in relationship problems!!!! There are soooo many people on here and other forums going through this.

Good luck
x

[Raymond]

Its not the internet in itself. That is not a person. We are enjoying the internet now. It is the people who peddle this porn. Unfortunately our governments let us down in this. I went to a hotel with my wife last weekend and the computer in the room offered cabled porn to go on your bill. This seems to be quite normal these days and it is up to men (or women) to resist it. I see it as a false intimacy. Real intimacy comes out of relationship first which is then expressed physically within marriage (within marriage in my view). Sex without relationship is a false intimacy that is not really there and can trap or deceive one to take it as intimacy when it is not. Trouble is once you get into that it is hard to get out of it as it brings a tie and a desensitisation to real intimacy eventually.

Raymond

[Helen_uk]

Very true Raymond and the temptation is easily available these days . If you are finding marriage a little stale , how easy it is to click into a virtual world where anything is on offer. Trouble is that can then lead to wanting more , it can lead to wanting real extra marital activities .

Some of the sites my ex visited were hosted by very young women offering anything at all at a price. Performing sexual acts , right in front of you , in real time, for money. My ex then went on to have an affair with an 18 year old girl. Obviously viewing young women was no longer enough . He lusted after the real thing and got it.

I found out in time that on every occasion I was out of the house, and sometimes only out of the room, he'd be clicking on these sites . And our sex life was pretty good ( so I thought ). He was extremely angry at me for checking up on him , he progressed from the internet, to mobile sex and chat lines, and then onto dating sites and finally met up with someone and had an affair. He still maintains it was all my fault ! That "everyone " looks at porn , that it's "natural and normal". As a single man now, he can do as he pleases ! I no longer have to worry about it, but it took almost 3 years to rebuild my self confidence.

My new partner doesn't look at porn, has no problem with us sharing a PC, or me reading his e-mails, in fact he encourages me to . I often read and answer his texts on his mobile for him if he's busy as he does mine. We don't have secrets. He's helped me to heal.

Helen

[Raymond]

I remember your threads Helen. Your partner seemed to have no conscience about it. It's good that your new partner is open in the way he is. Purity is essential in the sense of being faithful sexually even with your eyes and mind. If that isn't there the relationship is always on shaky ground.

Raymond

[pennyD]

Firstly thanyou for your replies , much appreciated ,
unfortunatly i was right , i went and got a voice recorder and did hear him chatting away to this women ,i confronted him and we had a massicve argument and he has left,
22 yrs wasted ,
WHY, WHY , DIDNT HE JUST TELL ME ?
why put me through this
he was still saying he loved me as he was leaving, my heart is torn apart,
what happened to us growing old together,all our plans wasted in one stupid decision on his part.
im sorry im not up to a bigger post right now, im totally crushed , defeated,

penny

[Raymond]

As sad as it is Penny you would have been living a lie if you hadn't confronted.

Maybe now he will realise his position and addiction and will seek help. If he still loves you as he said he does then that is what he will do. I have a feeling that this may not be the end of it but if he makes it the end then you are truly better of without it.

Raymond

[pennyD]

Its been 5 days since he has left, no phone calls , nothing,
ive found out the name of this women and were she stays , and what a suprise she stays in the same town as his mum ,i also found a internet sex game that people can playonline on the computer, how could i have been so blind? how?so bloody nieve.
I never realized how silly i was, he controlled all the finances all the money right down to the last penny,he took the card with him and my money is running out, our son phoned him at his mums and all he said was he wasnt coming home,ive been such a fool my life controlled by him now hes gone i dont know how to function in the world or do the simplest of things, like copeing with bills , were to go to get money ,ect what a idiot ive been , all ive done for 5 days straight is eat a slice of toast and cry my heart out from morning till night, i need to snap out of this and realize he doesnt want me or love me anymore.
one of these mornings ill wake up and see the light at the end of the tunnel , but for just now all i see is darkness

[Confusedkag]

Hi Penny

I'm so sorry to hear you are feeling like this. LIke you I see darkness at the end of the tunnel but you know what, I KNOW there is light somewhere and I just have to keep going until I see it. It's so hard and I should think very natural to be feeling the way you are, crying your heart out.

You haven't been silly, blind, nieve!! It's just that our husbands are... sorry think they are... sooo damn good at hiding these things but there is always something that slips them up.... Cheats never prosper!!!!!

You're right though, you do need to snap out of it before it totally exhumes you. You have your children to think about too so if you can't do it for yourself right now then do it for them - how have they been about it? I know my baby is the only think keeping me going at the minute!

Obviously the financial side of things can get you down, worried etc, maybe if you speak to CAB they can advise you on how to make in roads to sorting this out... benefits etc.. or even assist in getting money out of your husband. If not I'm sure people on here might be able to give you some ideas/advice on this.

It's all so hard.
Once again I wish you luck through this hard time. Keep posting; I do believe it helps, and you need the support right not.
xx

[pennyD]

Thankyou for your reply much appreciated,
Yesterday was the worst day of my life,i got out the paracetamol , spread them out on the table, with my cup of coffee , and our songs playing in the back ground, i just wanted to stop hurting,
but then thoughts of my kids came into my head , they would never forgive me and how what i had done would affect and impact there lives,i dragged myself off to the shower put on the cold water and stayed there for what seemed like a eternity.
Today was much diffrent , i now relize so what if he doesnt love me , thats his bloody problem,its him thats being a ass,
i went down today and fixed money out something ive never done be4 , ive looked up colleges
so what if im older compared to the rest of them , im looking at places to move to start afresh.
i know ill never love again , and ill never date , its been too long ,but ill be happy to just get myself out of bed , phone my children , walk my dog in the forest feel the sun on my face, i know that doesnt seem a lot to some people , but for me at this moment in my life its enough

penny

[Raymond]

In a way it was good that he was exposed now rather than later on Penny. At least you can now go forward in truth and not in deception. If you can learn something at college to help you work that will be good. As mentioned help is also there through social services if you are in the UK. If a divorce takes place you will get half or more of the assets although you may have to go through solicitors for this to happen.

I wouldn't completely close the door on re-marriage. You will be wiser now and will know how to choose if it happens.

You will be healing from today onwards and I think you have a good attitude. A walk in the forest and the sun on your face are simple pleasures worth their weight in gold. As CFD says you have your family who will need your positive input and you can do this even if you don't feel like it. I'd resist the paracetamol if you can, as that can create a bondage long term, much better the walks and sun on your face and other God given pleasures which are there beneath your feet that you will discover.

I really pray that you will find your life and get it back better than before.

Raymond

[claire123]

Hi Penny,
Just joined and saw what you have wrote. I want you to know that there are other people in your situation. Something similar happened to me 10 years ago via the internet like you and i found out and forgave him but it was absolutely horrendous. I tried to put it all to the back of my mind but out the blue he left in febuary this year (after 25 years of marriage) and my instincts made me think he left to have an affair. Im not saying this would happen to you of course if you resolved things but be aware that if you do take him back that in the future it may happen again. He has not told me any reasons for leaving which make sense just that he wants to do what he wants to do and he says he dosent want to come home. I feel trapped in a house he is paying the mortgage and bills for and i have 3 grown up children who are devastated. I believe that he is keeping me here as a back up plan for if his new life fails and that is horrible, but i have not worked either for a long time (he liked me at home) he now tells me i have been boring not working and so i am trying to slowly move on. It will take time. I have been on my own now for 4 months and some days i still feel stuck as if i cant move on and i have days where i just need to be on my own to grieve. Take your mind off him as much as you can, distract yourself, see friends, plan things to do, garden, clean like mad anything to keep you busy. I have got an interview on friday and if i can get a part time job perhaps i can gain some independence, thats what we have to try and aim for. I really feel for you. If you want my email adress just ask and you could talk anytime, i would like to help. All the best claire

[cheekychops33]

im so so sorry penny
I am going through the same thing myself at the moment. Due to the internet partly.
The thing is its the second time its happened to me (different partners)
Im feeling dreadful and cant see the light at the end of the tunnel... one thing i do know is that i have got over it before, surely i can again....
Im trying to be thankful for the small things in life like you.. at the moment its hard.
Maybe we can support each other?
Big hugs x

[chosen]

Hi Penny
My marriage ended very suddenly and traumatically after 23 years,11 years ago, when I found out some terrible things about my husband. I had 3 children, 2 of them teenagers at that time.
All that I can say is think of your children first.They are suffering, and dont make any big decisions such as moving away for a long time, as they will suffer from being uprooted. You are all they have, you are their own stability, and for them to see you practically falling apart will be awful for them. Be strong for them and give them as much 'normality' as you can.be their anchor.

Go and see a solicitor about finances. He needs to be paying maintenance for the
kids and also some of the bills probably.See what help you can get from social services also. Ask for help from family and friends.

I will also say that there is life after marriage break up. It was at least 3 years till I felt I had any future at all, but 6 years after this happened I met my second husband and I have never been happier.