6 years married and have always argued

[whiskywhisky]

Hi All

1st post therefore hope this works.

I have been married for 6 years and have 2 beautiful young children. I have always lived in England and my wife grew up abroad. I knew my wife many years before we got married, both our parents are good friends.

I went to university and work in a semi managerial position and have always been eager to do other "things" as well to prosper and earn money. This includes selling items on ebay etc and also investing in property. Additionally as well as a full time job, I also have a taxi license and work most weekends. Therefore you could say I work 7 days a well and generally only take time off for functions, birthdays etc.

However quite soon after we got married and starting living together in England we have had fairly frequent arguments, the cause of this is always me stating to my wife that she does not try to improve our lifes or contribute to our earnings. This includes my wife having a very basic grasp of the English language, even though I have nagged for 6 years now to improve and learn. I have also nagged for years to apply for part time jobs and even take some of the burden of me (money and looking after investment property) but she is not that interested. These arguments commonly mean we go through the silent treatment for a couple of weeks, then make up and the same thing happens a few weeks later.

I do suffer from mild depression, therefore do even sometime wonder if it is my fault. Hope someone can shed some light or how I can best tackle this issue, as I have obviously failed.

[Raymond]

I am sorry to say this Whisky but I do think it is your fault. I think you are being controlling and assuming she has to make money like you. I think you have to stop judging her and let her be. If she wants to be just a mother there is nothing wrong in that. Your children will reap high benefits if that is her calling.

My wife stopped working on her first pregnancy and didn't work all the time the children were growing up. They are two wonderful children who have had all the nurture they needed which is priceless. I had difficulty in taking all the financial responsibility but she is who she is and her heart was to be a good mother and a good wife which she has been and still is. We did not lack financially in spite of my worries.

Money isn't everything and if that is all you want your marriage will suffer. Why do you work all weekend when you could be investing in your marriage with her?

I think you have it all back to front and are in danger of destroying the gift of marriage and family which you have. Remember, all things in moderation, you really need to invest in relationship with your wife and your children before it is too late.

Raymond

[whiskywhisky]

Thanks Raymond.

Strange as it may seem I do agree with your response. As the question why do I work so much, it is solely for me and my family to have a better life. This meaning living in a good area and have a decent car etc, with the amount I work I dont have time or have the desire to spend on socialising or other hobbies.

Maybe I do need to accept my wife just wants to be a good mother and wife, but does upset me is that with the extra work I do I do quite naturally feel tired and down at certain times. And if my wife worked also and contributed I can work less and have a better life myself? surely that is not too much to ask?

[Helen_uk]

Are you having a better life though ? Is it worth losing your family in order to have all the money in the bank /top of the range car/posh house ?

Sounds to me like you have a fear of being financially insecure and so are turning into a work-a-holic in order to protect against it . Perhaps your wife's values are different to yours and she's happy to settle for a second hand car if it means spending quality time with you and the kids ?

How necessary is it for you to work all these extra hours ? I mean really ? One day you'll blink and the kids will be grown up and flown the nest ... It's always nice to aspire to having the best in life, but at what cost ?

I think maybe you and your wife have different ideas of what constitutes a secure life and marriage and are at opposite ends of the scale, which is bound to cause arguments if you can't find middle ground. You don't say where your wife is from, maybe her culture is more given to wives raising a family than bringing home the bacon ?

Can you try having an open and frank talk about things instead of degenerating into arguments ?

You can't change someone else but you can look at changing yourself , and if the alternative is losing your wife then it maybe time for some introspection. Then decide whether you can live with the situation... or not.

Good luck.

Helen

[whiskywhisky]

Thanks for the response.

Yes I would totally agree with me being financially insecure, however please note I am not being rude here as I am very gratetful for the help. But is it not a good idea for a "working class" family to be financially insecure, in the world we live in where "nothing is free" should this not be the norm?

As mentioned I am not being confrontational as I am very grafeful for help/advice.

[Helen_uk]

Hi whisky,

Of course it's a good idea to strive to be financially secure, especially in this day and age, but there has to be balance , do you not feel there is a difference though between being secure and wanting the new/ better car etc ?

I don't think you're being confrontational at all, lots of people, and especially men feel they have to push themselves to get the best for their families.. but you know, sometimes security comes from more than making money , and sometimes spending time with family is also important , money doesn't buy happiness is a bit of a cliche but having been on both sides of the fence myself I know it rings true.

I don't think the difficulty you're having comes so much from your need to be financially secure as from the fact your wife and you have different takes on how life should be. You have different ideas of what's important and it's causing a rift between you. I think it does need some compromise, but if that's not possible then hard decisions are going to need to be taken and I'm a little concerned that you may find yourself the one losing out. . This doesn't make either of you wrong , just different.

Do you think it might be a cultural thing ? Does your wife's culture teach women that staying home and bringing up a family is more important than work ? Or do you feel your wife is being lazy in not working and feel that adds to the pressure you're under to provide ? Are you driving yourself hard to be secure or to " have nice things " ? I'm not saying it's wrong at all to want the best of things, but I'm just wondering if there is any room for compromise.

My ex hubby worked for himself and that meant pretty much all of his time was taken up by work, I stayed home caring for our disabled son and we would all have been happy with sufficient if it meant hubby spent time with us, he felt our son's should always have more, private education , better house, newer car etc........working so many hours ( I'm talking 100 + hours a week, plus most weekends ) made him bad tempered and tired and we seemed to always be at logger heads..Our marriage didn't survive . Of course I didn't choose not to work but the results were pretty similar to what you're going through now. Incidentally, ex hubby now works less hours and is happy in a new relationship...they spend time together and that's something we never did.

As I said before , it needs an open and frank discussion and some compromise or I think decisions may have to be made , it doesn't sound like either of you are very happy... sorry.

[whiskywhisky]

Thanks Helen UK - your right we do need an open frank conversation (not argument). Sounds silly to say this but we probably have not discussed the "issues" that causes the arguments in a normal conversation without turning into to a argument.

I will definitely give this a go - as you said some compromise needs to be made and thiese need to be stuck to.

[Raymond]

I agree with what Helen says this time. I think an adjustment is needed and I am glad that you are beginning to see that. All of life is a balance. Any truth taken too far goes into error. No striving that ruins ones marriage is worth it. That could mean that we are attributing to money more than it actually is. A space needs to be made for DW and her expressions of life could yield a healthy balance to yours.

Raymond

[dander]

sounds like there's one or two parallels to my situation - so be careful, my marriage has just broken down!

I put myself through months, if not years, of working 80+ hours per week and then throwing myself into other (more fun) work at the weekend to try and distract me from the stress.

its a great way to have a seperate life from your wife, and you'll find (if you're not careful) that the only times you spend together are irritable, arguing and less fun times. You need to share happy times, and not just planned stuff but the inconsequential times in between which are spontaneous.

Can't talk for your situation, but I can give you examples from mine - my wife didn't really appreciate the stress or effort it took for me to do what I was doing. All she saw was a grumpy shouty guy coming home and taking it out on her. She tried (in her mind) to be supportive but just got shouted at. My wife worked but in a poorly paid 9-5 job she hated - but did nothing about it. That drove me up the wall!

What I'd say is that the most important thing you have is your time, time to spend having fun with those you love. The work is, at the end of the day, not the most important thing. Nor is the money.
Thats hard for me to say - I have a pretty well paid managerial position that I've worked hard to reach. I've thrown myself into work and let it define me - ostensibly to create a lifestyle and financial security for me and my family. In reality I got my priorities wrong - no point creating enough security for a nice house, holidays etc if there's noone to share it with because you've driven them away!

My advice - take it or leave it - ask your wife what she wants, short term and long term. Can you help her get there. Make sure she understands what you want (and I suggest its not killing yourself with work for a 2 week holiday where you'll try and recover from the rest of the year, or a great education for children you won't have time to interact with)
Find the common ground that you can share to define where your marriage and lives are going. Focus on one job (and make that the success it needs to be) and keep your personal life seperate and enjoy it - with your family.

just my opinion - it may/may not apply

[Raymond]

That's very good advice Dander. Spoken from experience.

Raymond