Separation

[yogamad]

Thought I'd better start a new thread as New Start didn't seem quite right now.

Quick update, booked my first solicitor appointment for next Tuesday. I feel a bit scared still but mostly quite calm, like I know I'm doing the right thing. Having awful headaches though and I think it's all the tension at home and worry about my boys. Need to stop thinking about it all the time but it's quite hard.

Love Yoga
xx

[Raymond]

Knowing you are doing the right thing is the essential thing Yoga and if you have that the rest will fall into place. The alternative is to stay as you are. Do you want this? Of course you don't and therefore your positive energy has to be saved in sorting out the future. It is natural to worry but if you are doing the right thing you needn't. Each day you will have the strength for that day but not for tomorrow. You will have that at the time you need it. Of course you can plan and be concerned but worry and fear can rob you of the strength you need and are counter productive. I know you know this in your head. I know it is easy to say and you are facing a very traumatic period but the principles still hold true.

Raymond

[georgie]

Good luck yoga, it's a tough road but so worthwhile I think. I've just reached settlement today I think! My x on his honeymoon, and we are still in the process of settlement lol.
It's been a tough tough year, but I have to say I feel the better person for it, and consequently my kids have the benefit of a better more rounded mum in the process. Your boys will reap the same benefit. It did them no good to see you living as you were Yoga, they deserve a happy fullfilled mum just as much as you deserve to be happy and fulfilled and appreciated for the wonderful person that you are. xxx
When they recount their happy childhood/adolescent'/ or early manhood memories it was never going to be tales of mortgage belt security was ? now at least they can have proud memories of the woman that was and is their mum, the proud, independent strong woman that you are xxx

[yogamad]

Thanks for your replies Raymond and Georgie.

I know you're right and I know I'm doing the right thing, I've never felt so certain of it. I think once I see the solicitor and things start rolling, I'll feel better. Also because H knows nothing about it, the tension is unbearable, we just talk if we have to, it's horrible.

My son took his first exam today and thinks he did well so it's all worthwhile, putting up with it all, hopefully the 2 months will fly by til the end of June when exams are finished.

I've booked myself a haircut before my sister's wedding and I've got the wedding itself to look forward to. Just planning lots of things to keep me occupied and take my mind off things really.

When I wasn't feeling well last week, H offered to make a meal. I was upstairs with the boys and he called to say it was ready. When we went down, he'd only made enough for 3 and put 3 plates out and I knew straightaway that he hadn't planned on making anything for me. That only justifies to me that I'm making the right decision because it's such a petty thing to do but that's what he's like.

Anyway, no more negative thoughts, only positive ones allowed. I'm doing lots of yoga and breathing exercises so hopefully that will help my state of mind.
xxxxxx

[Helen_uk]

How selfish and bloody childish of him Yoga !

I started divorce proceedings against ex husband while we still lived in the same house , it was very uncomfortable ! In a strange kind of way though it did eventually improve his behaviour, because I think for the first time it made him look at the way he'd been acting and see that I'd seriously had enough. I divorced him for " unreasonable behaviour " He at first totally opposed that , but each time he did anything unreasonable after he received the first papers it pulled him up short. He was never violent but his attitude toward me was appalling and gradually he started to see that . Sadly all too late as nothing was going to change my mind, we'd been together almost 18 years by then, and married almost 13 years . If he hadn't changed in all that time, I could see he wasn't going to.

I think you reach a point where you know you've done everything you can and you start to realize you deserve better . I'm sure the yoga and breathing exercises will benefit your state of mind no end.

Good luck with everything and I hope your son does brilliantly in his exams !

Helen x

[yogamad]

Thanks Helen.

I can't decide whether it would be better for both of us if I tell him what I'm planning because living like this is really uncomfortable as you said. It might make his attitude better or ten times worse so I just don't know what to do for the best. Obviously my son's exams is the most important thing right now so don't want to make him aware of any tensions.

Finding it hard just going about my daily routine at the moment, wish I could get rid of the aching in my body and my headaches but I think that's the tension!!

xx

[Helen_uk]

Hi Yoga.. I think if you can manage it , definitely leave it til after your son's exams.. but only if you can cope with the stress yourself.

It is an unpredictable situation so you won't know how he's going to react ( your H I mean ) , but I think by June you might find it's just as difficult to keep quiet. I told my H straight away, having visited a solicitor , but only because he was behaving unbearably and I couldn't stand it any longer, he'd thrown his wedding ring at me, having first started one of his pointless arguments, and it took the wind out of his sails when I calmly removed mine and told him I agreed , the marriage was indeed over ! It was just another example of one of his childish tantrums over nothing !

I think you'll find the right time will present itself , until then, look after you ( treat yourself to a massage, works wonders for tension ! ) and if you can, keep busy ( I know you always are anyway ! ) and try to find some little treats to keep you going.

You've done the hardest bit, making the decision , at least now if your H puts you down or is offensive you can know inside it's not for much longer.

Big hugs for you.
xxx

[yogamad]

Think you're right, I'm gonna try and keep quiet til end of June. At the moment, he's very quiet, not argumentative so that's alot easier to live with. It's weird that he's not mentioned anything about me being distant, he's just distanced himself from me aswell rather than discuss it. I'd like us to remain 'friends' for boys sakes but we'll see how that goes.

Thanks for your advice, it's really helping at the moment.
xxxxxxx

[Wedgewood]

Hey gorgeous, I am soooo proud of you. You have taken some massive steps recently and they are definately in the right direction. I agree with helen, best to keep quiet untill the exams are over. Your son doesnt need any major distractions right now, but only if you are not under too much strain.

I will check in on your thread from time to time as I cannot contact you any other way.

Stay strong and stay beautiful.

Mark x

[Raymond]

It's must be difficult being in a marriage where the other does not know what's coming. I would imagine it's better when he doesn't behave in that situation rather than being nice. You have been faithful and if divorce has to happen at least it is not happening through adultery. I don't think you can do it any better than that Yoga. The grounds reflect on him and not someone else.

Raymond

[yogamad]

Hey Mark you're back!!!! I thought you weren't using the forums any more, it's so nice to hear from you. I hope you're ok.

Thanks Raymond. I'm doing ok, actually looking forward to my solicitor appointment on Tuesday. Got lots on at the moment to keep me busy so that's good.

I still feel deep down like I'm doing the right thing, I know it's going to be hard and I've got a lot to cope with over the next coming months but hopefully it'll be ok. I feel better, headaches are gone, think I actually had a cold or something.

Best wishes to everyone.
xxxxxxxx

[yogamad]

Hello everyone, bit of an update .... been to the solicitors, started things rolling, H now knows and is seeing a solicitor tomorrow. He didn't take the news well, was hysterical for a whole weekend, I've never seen anyone cry like that, I really felt for him and my boys as they witnessed the whole thing. He actually read out the letter from my solicitors to our boys, thinking it was a joke !

When the crying stopped, he took my car keys off me, cancelled my name on the insurance, and turned nasty. He's since apologised but it made me even more certain I was doing the right thing. I'm now using my mum's car as cycling everywhere was wearing me out. He emptied both accounts out and made them overdrawn, changed the password on the computer which I one of the reasons I haven;t been on here in such a long time. I've spent the last couple of weeks closing joint accounts, re-directing my mail, trying to get my own car fixed, re-arranging direct debits, filling out solicitor forms, going to work, trying to get Matt through his exams, it's a wonder I'm still here in one piece quite frankly.

The boys both cried and Will blamed me for a while for making his dad so upset but I think they're coping brilliantly, they've not missed any school/college. I'm trying to still be the same fun mum I was before which isn't always easy.

The finances are getting sorted, I feel like I'm getting somewhere, I'm still focussed on what I'm doing and know I'm doing the right thing. I'm still scared about where I'll live in the future and if I'll have my boys with me but I'm just going with it each day.

For those I speak to on facebook, I haven't told any of you that I met someone at my sister's wedding reception, I've seen him a couple of times. Do I feel guilty? Yes. Am I still gonna see him? Yes. We're getting on well and he's helping me get through this mess that I'm in. H has asked me if there's anyone else involved but I've told him no because telling him the truth won't help me in the divorce. We have officially split up even though we're still living together but I do feel guilty and wish I could've met this man a few

[yogamad]

Oops, had to quickly send post as son came into the room.

Where was I ...... yes, wish I could've met this man a few months down the line but I'm just taking things as they come and will see what happens. All my family know about him and are behind me 100% as they just want to see me happy.

Told everyone at work and they've all been so supportive, my family and close friends are pleased that I've finally made the decision to divorce.

Facebookers, I've not mentioned other man or split on there as there are still alot of people who don't know yet and I don't want it to be public knowledge just yet so if you don't mind I'll just make the odd comment on someone else's profile to let off some steam if I'm having a bad day.

Having a bit of a bad day today where I feel a bit low but all in all I'm coping pretty well I think.

Lots of love
Yoga
xxxxxx

[mdmquincy]

Hey Lisa--
I'm sorry you are having a bad day. It does look like the trend is looking up for you. Boys are learning to handle the situation; husband is too. I know you are anxious to find some healing space, and I hope that for you.

Love and hope,
J

[georgie]

Hi Yoga, I'm so happy for you, I know you've had a few rough days, but I'm so certain you're doing the right thing. As for the new man, he really has absolutely nothing to do with your decision to end your marriage and as such I dont think can be considered as 'another party' in the divorce. I hope that works well for you, but take your time, take it easy and take some time to be you ... you wont believe all the things you've forgotten about you!! I can assure you that. xxx
Thank goodness you had such forsight re. bank accounts etc. I'm going to post something on my thread now in relation to that. Your husband is a mean spirited, selfish and spiteful man in my opinion, and you will be so so so much happier away from him.
xxxx

[yogamad]

Thanks so much for understanding, I'd hate it if people judged me because I've met someone but still living with H. I've gone through hell these last couple of weeks, I don't know how I've managed to keep it all together if I'm honest. I absolutely know I'm doing the right thing because even though he's trying to win me back at the moment he's said and done some absolutely nasty things such as he's gonna have a DNA test done on the boys to make sure they're his, called me a slut, put me down and he's supposed to be wooing me ... haha!!! Then, the next day, he's back to crying and begging and pleading with me not to leave him, that he'll do anything but I've tried to explain to him that he's left it all a little too late. He'll make it up with my parents and sister, won't boss me around, blah blah blah but I've heard it all before. He had his solicitor appointment today and he's not going to divorce me, gonna make me wait 2 years, suggested we go to relate but all I want is out. We're fairly amicable at the moment, as much as we can be but I want it all sorted out as soon as possible. For the next couple of weeks I'll be staying at my sisters because she's on holiday and has kindly said I can stay at her's. I can't wait for some peace and quiet, hopefully the boys will be ok and I'll make sure I pop over and see them. As for the new man, we've only gone on a couple of dates because obviously it's very awkward at the moment but we're getting on well and that's all there is to it for now. Things may work out, they may not but I'm just taking each day as it comes. Lots of love xxxxxxxxxx

[yogamad]

I'm really struggling at the moment because I'm the one breaking up my marriage, I feel guilty for my husband (even though he doesn't deserve it), guilty for my boys .... just guilty generally.

My family are all behind me, I hav lots of support from everyone so why do I feel so bad? I've told my solicitor I've just started seeing someone and she says I have to wait until I've got a legal separation before I can tell him otherwise he can divorce me for adultery even though it was over before I met him. I feel absolutely awful lying to him about my whereabout but tell myself that we are officially separated even though we still live together. I know I'll feel much better once it's all out in the open, I hate lying to my boys aswell but I haven't got any choice unless I stop seeing my new man and i don't want to do that because he makes me so happy and I think I deserve it after what I've been through.

Mutual friends of ours (the ones that came to my 40th bday last year) really upset me yesterday. I told them about new man the night H got the letter from solicitors and was really upset and just blurted it out. Well, H saw them Sat night and they said they felt very uncomfortable knowing and he didn't and rang to tell me they were gonna tell him. I don't get angry very often but I was shaking I felt so angry, I understand that they feel uncomfortable but I told them I wouldn't forgive them if they told him. H and I are trying to be amicable and we won't be if he finds out. Also, my main priority is my son's exams and I won't have him upset at the moment.

I do feel guilty I'm seeing someone when I only told H 2 weeks ago that I wanted a divorce but I never planned it and I never wanted to hurt him. I've only seen him a few times but I came off the phone feeling like they thought I was a slut and I've never felt so hurt and upset, I've known them for over 20 yrs and they've seen first hand what H has been like with me over the years.

I'm just gonna surround myself with the people that care about me and are happy for me.

[JWD]

Lisa, you are not a slut at all.

I'm sorry about your friends, but this is the time that you will get to see who your friends really are. All that matters is that you know you were not having an affair. You tried so very hard to work on this marriage and you do deserve happiness whether its with new man or not. Just enjoy it for whatever it is. You have a whole new life waiting for you.

Its scary and exciting at the same time.

If anyone deserves some peace and happiness its YOU.

xxx

[yogamad]

Thanks JWD, you don't know how nice it is to hear you say that.

I met man at my sister's wedding three weeks ago, H received divorce letter two weeks ago so it wasn't an affair because separation was on the cards but I'm finding it hard to deal with anyway.

I'm staying at my sister's at the moment whilst they're on holiday and enjoying the peace and quiet on my own ... it's bliss I can tell you. After not speaking to my parents for 5 yrs, H told me to invite them in for a cup of tea today (we called round to take boys out for lunch). My parents politely said no thanks and couldn't understand what he was playing at. He's doing his utmost to get me to change my mind but the sad thing is he's left it too late, he thinks by inviting them in for a cup of tea will make up for all the years when he didn't but it won't. What's done is done and can never be replaced.

Over the last couple of weeks, I been bought flowers, told how nice I look, told that he'll do absolutely anything to put things right, etc. And also told that I'm a slut, that he had to look at porn on the internet before he could have sex with me, that he's gonna have a DNA test done on the boys, etc so it's no wonder I've escaped to my sister's for a week for a rest.

About the friends, I remember at the very beginning of your threads when your H left you, you saying you find out who your friends really are and being surprised about new friends. I think it's hard on them because they know us both and that they feel they're betraying H by not telling them. I feel totally different about them now, it's a shame but that's how I feel right now. And yes, I have been surprised by some people at work who I didn't know that well who have been wonderfully supportive.

I'm sure there is light at the end of the tunnel ........

[georgie]

There is yoga there is, it will be so worth it when you reach it, it's just a process that you have to go through, there will be grief and ups and downs, but you will emerge in a much much better place xxx

[yogamad]

Thanks Georgie.

I haven't had a good day today, had a good cry, then a good sleep, just feel so alone right now. I'll be alright though, it'll be a better day tomorrow.

xxx

[Wedgewood]

Hey Gorgeous,

You are never alone! We are always with you, if you want us or not! (except for when you need some 'me' time lol)

You WILL be alright, it DOES get better and so many of us can say that from personal experience.

Don't feel bad about breajking up. There isn't one person on this forum who would disagree after reading your thread. Be strong, strong for your boys, but more importantly, strong for you.

You have MANY friends here so don't feel alone. We all know what you are saying and how you feel, but it is not justified.



Take care :)

Mark

[yogamad]

Thanks Mark, I know you're right. It was the phone call from my friends at the weekend that really upset me and I still feel upset and angry about it now. I've made up with one friend and sent a text to the other two to apologise but not heard anything back. At least I've tried. I think they're waiting for me to ring but I simply don't have the energy to do that right now.

H keeps asking me to think hard about what I'm doing, telling me I look nice and that he misses me at the moment. I have been thinking hard and I'm incredibly sad that my family is breaking up, I feel so badly for the boys because I know I could just forget the whole thing and they'd have their family back again.

Every time I think of a lovely memory, a horrible one pops up in my mind to remind me that what I'm doing is the right thing. I do actually miss him a bit, the nice bits about him.

He keeps making out he's got no money and asking me to help him out. Whilst I'm at my sister's, I've paid 1/2 of his food bill at home to help support him which is what he's asked for. My solicitor said I don't have to do that but because I feel so guilty for leaving my boys this week, I've given him some money. My solicitor also says I'm the one entitled to family allowance and family and working tax credit whilst H is getting nothing. I feel so guilty that I'm getting this money and he's not getting anything. I rang Inland Revenue to check it was definitely ok and they said that it was. Is that because I'm the mother? I don't know. I could give him 1/2 the money each week but my solicitor has told me to keep it. That doesn't help with my feelings of guilt.

Lots of love
Yoga
xxxxx

[georgie]

Yoga, those entitlements have been calculated that way for sound reasons, you have no reason to feel guilty - you are once again being manipulated and emotionally blackmailed - i would suggest you don't encourage and enable that by giving in to it. You have NO reason to feel guilty, your husband had many opportunities to treat you with decency or modify his own behaviour and meet you half way to work on your marriage - he thought he could bully and manipulate his way through instead. You will need that money, dont throw it away on him ... you put yourself and the boys first, he is an adult and must stand on his own two feet. xxx

[JWD]

Wasn't he always implying you needed to stand on your own two feet?

Oh Lisa, you're so lovely, that's why you feel guilty along with feeling you have split up the family. Remember your kids will grow up one day, and make their own way in the world. this is your time. You've worked so hard on trying to get through to your Husband, its sad that he never took you seriously and that will be a massive lesson to him that he needs to learn.

Don't get upset about your friends. the ones that are important will stay with you and any others will adust, your relationship with most people will change because you're changing. That doesn't have to be a bad thing.

Sometimes you ust have to look after number 1. You have done nothing wrong. All you've ever asked for was a bit of respect and attention.

I don't mean to slate him, and its ok to remember the good things about him and forgive fully, but not at the expense of your happiness. I think you deserve it don't you?

You're wonderful and until someone can say the've walked in you shoes, they haven't a clue how you came to this point in your life - they don;t need to. You know and thats all that matters.

Anyway, you'll always have us. Hope you can make September for Raycub coming over :-D

[yogamad]

Thanks Georgie and JWD, you're both so right.

He sent me some texts yesterday:

I miss you Lisa, the house is not the same without you, we all miss you, I can be the man you want who will look after you til I'm old and grey but not smother you and let you be the woman you are and maybe you might find some love in your heart for me, thing carefully.

I then replied saying how I felt and he sent:

Sorry for making you feel like that, you are not like that, when I saw you first I couldn't believe how someone so beautiful could be interested in me, I have been unworthy of you and afraid ever since that one day you would see through me and leave, love always.

I then asked why he had behaved as he had:

Because I am weak and jealous and you are strong, I'm sorry, it's not an excuse but nobody apart from you ever made me feel that ugly emotion, you still do but I hide it, it's an emotion close to passion, you always knew how to make me jealous, I want you, I always have.

What do you make of those? To me it shows that he's insecure and lacks confidence and has tried to destroy mine to get me to stay with him.

I am trying to get on with my life but I can't help feeling bad for making him so miserable, even though he made me miserable for long enough. I'm missing my boys so much, think that's why I'm feeling bad at the moment.

Heard back from my friends, they want me to go over to clear the air so hopefully we can put it behind us.

And I'd love to meet up with you and Ray, that would be wonderful. As I work in a school, I can't book holidays so wouldn't be able to take time off but maybe for a weekend?!

I'm lucky to have friends like you, you're all so wonderful, we've all been through a really rubbish time haven't we over the past year? I don't feel like I've supported you all enough, I find it hard to get on a computer when I'm home (H put a password on so I couldn't use it) and you all seem so wise and I never know what to say. But even if I don't always comment, I want you to know that I'm always thinking of you all

Hugs
xxxx

[S4dB0y]

Hey yoga I've just read your story and so feel for you right now. Don't feel bad for what is happening, its not your fault at all. You have put up with more than most people would and you are entitled to some happiness. If your H really means what he is saying (and from what I can tell its a bit late in the day) then the pair of you are going to have a very long road in front of you to patch things up. As I am finding out myself now, sometimes it's best just to let each other go and hope that the time apart, however long it may turn out to be, is enough to show you both that you can still love each other and be a couple or that the absence just affirms your time together is through. Good luck though and don't ever feel bad for wanting and looking for happiness.

[Wedgewood]

Hello again - me coming on the forum seems to be getting more regular! That is because I think you need some support right now so I am returning some that you gave me in my hours of need :D

I just read this entire thread for the first time and just learned you have a new man. Damn, I kind of had it in mind that we could get together one day.... Oh well, another good one gets away :(

Just be careful this is not a knee jerk reaction to your situation and you are looking for something that is not there. We all want you to be happy and if it works out for you then we will all be over the moon. The last thing we want is for you to prolong the troubles you have right now by complicating things.

I don't understand where you x is coming from, but rest assured that he wont change. Anyhthing he says right now is done out of desperation and not commitment. You gave him a zillion chances (which was more than he deserved) so you have nothing to feel guilty about.

Another thing, as JWD said - your are definately no slut. You are entitled to feel happy in your life and if this new guy makes you feel good the what is wrong with that? Nothing.

Your boys will understand in time, maybe when they are old enough to know the full story (if you want them to that is).

Last night I was up till 2.30 with my cousins wife who is in a similar relationship to you and I advised her to leave him. This is the man who is one of my best mates and was best man at my wedding. It really annoys me how all the good women seem to pick the bullying, arrogant, self-centered men. Makes me think about changing my principles.


Anyway, love you loads Yoga. Keep us posted x

Message me on FB if you want me to explain how to remove passwords on windows so you can access PC whenever you like ;)

Marky-boy-rebel

[JWD]

Lisa, you hit the nail on the head. He has no confidence. When he said he couldn't believe you liked him, he meant that.

If someone doesn;t like themself very much, they can't understand why someone else would like them, therefore he thinks you must be crazy and loses respect because if he can't like hiumself, why would you? thats why its easy for him to be so mean

Its terribly frustrating because he has realised too late. He has basically made this happen.

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT

YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON

YOU DESERVE BETTER

Email me anytime. I'm back to being single after find the love of my life for three weeks LOL

Hey ho

[yogamad]

Thanks S4dB0y for reading my thread and for your comments. I'm just wondering if I should of started divorce proceedings further down the road rather than starting it now as it all seems too much for me. Maybe we should've lived apart for a while and saw how we felt after a period of time. I feel because I've set everything in motion, I have to carry on with it.

All his crying, flowers,etc do make me ask myself if I'm doing the right thing but you're right Mark, he's doing it out of desperation. Didn't get to bed til 2am last night so am absolutely shattered again today. My brother in law met him in a pub last night and they talked for hours and my sister and I waited up til he got back and chatted about it til the early hours. He basically just said how much he loved me and didn't want to loose me but it is a little late now.

Mark, there may still be hope for you lol!! Not sure how I feel about my new man, think I really need time to myself as struggling to cope with everything. He has problems with his ex partner and I have my problems with H and I wonder if we're just there for each other at this time as a sounding board rather than anything else, I don't know.

Thanks as always JWD for your wonderful advice and for making me feel better, you're fab!!

I'm now going back to bed for an hour as I can barely keep my eyes open.

Lots of love
xxxxxxxxxx