Should I call it quits?

[butterfly]

What do I do with a husband that says he has heard from God about what he is to do for work and ministry but isn't meeting the needs of his family?

I have been married for 24 years this summer. My husband and I have been Christians for 20 years. We have 4 children. My husband has his own business that has suffered starting in 2006 to now. We had to file bankruptcy. He still insists on working this business even though we cant pay our bills. He holds onto hope of business picking up. It still hasn't.

He refuses to look for other work for two reasons he says. One, because he heard from God (others have prophesied over him that he will have a great ministry and it will grow out from his business) that He is going to bless him through his work to fund my husband's ministry. Two, because he would be making little money compared to what he might make if the jobs start coming in.

We have cashed in all of our retirement and don't have health insurance because we could no longer afford to pay the premiums and he has no disability insurance for the same reason. He has run the business and I wasn't involved because I took care of the children. We still have $50,000 debt from the business that could not be claimed in bankruptcy.

During the good years, he had treated himself to many personal 'wants' while the family went without our 'needs'. I consider his actions very self centered. He also expresses irritation that I may ask or need something for myself or the kids. Again, selfish in my eyes. I feel like I have to beg him to truly love us and sacrifice his desires for us. Meanwhile I beg him to sell these toys of his and he resists until we are devastatingly broke. (he still has some things he wont sale for money because he wont get enough for them.)

We are struggling. The kids are now showing signs of emotional pain. I feel like I need to remove them and I from my husband's craziness.

In addition, my husband wants to go with a group of people and minister, having meetings to minister to people. I got to know these people just enough to know I didn't want to be involved with their renegade ministry approach. I refuse to be a part of their ministry.

We have a Spirit-filled home church. We have talked with our pastor and he has counciled us. He supports me in in the thoughts of my husband providing a secure home and future and wants us to get more council. Our pastor also says to not become involved with the group of people that wont be under reputable authority. Pastor is familiar with these people. My husband thinks he doesn't see his position clearly and is ignoring the pastors recommendation to steer clear of the group of people that he is involved with.

My husband is trying to change in some ways. He is trying to be sweeter to the family in his words but he is ignoring some other big things we need. I cant get him to see it any differently. He thinks we need to trust God's direction in our lives. He is convinced we will have a break though soon. In the meanwhile, the kids and I are scrounging to get by. We are barely staying out of foreclosure.

I wish he would get a job that could give us benefits, health and retirement at least. Show the kids daddy is working hard for them. (He had all winter, 4+ months off without work and he didnt get a job because he was waiting for his construction work to start again) I have had to return to school; getting an AAS degree and have been working parttime for the past 2 years to help provide for the family. I feel like I need to look for a full time job and get benefits for us since he won't. My hesitation is that our youngest child is not in school yet and we had always decided in the past for me to be home for the children. This fall the youngest will start half day kindergarten. The rest of the day would be in daycare until I am done working.

My husband refuses to disassociate with these people and refuses to get other work. We have talked ourselves until we are blue-in-the-face about each others point of view on the topic. We just don't see eye to eye. He won't change my mind and I can't change his.

I feel I have no other choice but to remove the family from his out-of-focus thinking and start out on my own. I don't really know if I can do it but am backed into a corner. Please offer some insight, scripture or understanding for me. I am not hearing from God either way.

[mdmquincy]

I only know what I would do. I would start looking for that full-time job. That might be extreme for your case, but less extreme than leaving. J

[butterfly]

Fulltime is what I am thinking is the starting place. My husband suggested I get a full time job and supply the benefits for the family. Meanwhile he can do ministry. But I don't agree with that ministry. When we planned our lives together he was convinced my place was to be home with the family as much as possible, not out full time. It just seems so self serving for him to have me do what he should be doing.

[mdmquincy]

Your situation certainly is bleak, especially with the health insurance bit. And, again, I am outside your situation... but I may offer a little perspective on that self-serving behavior. When my husband decided he needed something different in his life (read: midlife crisis), he came home and announced that he was leaving us and refused to try to salvage our marriage. Not that your situation is admirable, but I would have much preferred that my husband turned to God or away from his old job instead of abandoning his family.
When they change, all bets are off. Most here would find you in an enviable position. If you love him and/or your family, offer him the support any way you can. Maybe get him to seek counsel elsewhere in the spirit of increasing his potential. I suggest you allow him to succeed or fail graciously, but find outside ways to help him proactively reflect on his decisions.
Again, my viewpoint comes from a great deal of pain at the moment. Take it for what it is worth. But examine your motives very carefully, sometimes we toggle over details and lose the big picture. Be careful where you draw your lines, for their are consequences to drawing them. You may or may not be afraid/resentful/demeaned by your husband's recent choices, but at what cost do you deny them? I don't know; you'll have to answer that on your own. I just suggest that you proceed with great caution and let wisdom, not impatience, inform your decision.

My hope here is to be supportive, please take this post in that light. I am trying to help, not accuse. If I am way off base, please don't feel the need to defend yourself. I am on your side already. You are not alone.
J

[Raymond]

I am amazed at your wisdom J. You are right.

Butterfly you pastor seems to speak good sense here, but your husband is not listening. I have the feeling that your husband will end up really disillusioned in the long run. Maybe he has to learn the hard way which we will sometimes when we don't listen to good advice.

Where did he get these prophecies from? Your church or someone else?

The simple scripture says "If anyone does not provide for his own and especially for those of his own household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever" 1 Tim 5:8. Strong words. If he is called to the ministry God would show you as well. Something wrong somewhere. His priority is to you and your family. That's God's word to him. If he rejects that then he is missing the mark. I think your description of renegade ministry rings true.

You obviously have to pray about this and I think your pastor and others will be praying as well. It may take time but your husband has to learn something here. I think there is some spiritual deception going on and he is showing some immaturity. He is probably very gifted but needs his feet on the ground as well. We are told not to believe every spirit but to try them to see if they are of God.

I suppose if you have to work to supply the needs then you have to, but I cannot see God prospering this ministry or anything else while he is like he is. You can be sure that God is aware of all parts of the puzzle but He also works in us to achieve His objectives so that we can know His love more and more and bear fruit.

Raymond

[UpandDown]

Hi Butterfly

So sorry to hear about what has been going on. When reading your post it struck me that surely anyone or anything that causes a husband to turn away from his family can't be from God. If the ministry was a holy cause wouldn't God want you on board too?

Your husband should be cautious in moving forward without your agreement. As Raymond says, he needs to test these prophesies and the messages he is hearing from God. Unfortunately as a person he does seem somewhat selfish and immature from what you were saying and also unable to deal with failure, forgive himself and move on. Maybe he could do with some spiritual healing type help? (Sorry, not a Christian myself, can't remember what it's called but I have friends who have had it and it has changed their life.)

I feel so sorry for you that you are going through this. If you do end up getting a full time job at least your stress over the benefits will be lessened. Also, your youngest will not suffer and you mustn't feel guilty for it. I know it's not what you planned and it may make you more resentful but it's the lesser of two evils. Ultimately though your husband must come to a compromise with you over your shared future together.

Thinking of you.
Love Kathryn
x

[butterfly]

Thank you for your responses. I appreciate all input.

I have to wonder if I will be able to take his rejection even more. After so many years, am I giving my kids the right example? I am so heartbroken over his inability to sacrifice for me and the kids. Perhaps I just let him do what ever he wants to do and I do what I need to do for the family. It would mean I would have to turn off my emotions towards him. Lately I have felt like I have been thrown under the bus by him and he refuses to help me up. I have had a couple of our male friends talk to him to see if there is a way to bring to him understanding. He hasn't accepted their council either. He states that he has heard from God concerning these things and we can't convince him from being in the place God wants him.

I am seeking God's Word and am coming up with 'blanks' for this kind of situation. I love him; don't like what he is doing. My love is shrinking in the rejection I feel from him though. I understand I am bound to him but how do I comfort and shelter my kids from the hurt they are experiencing. The older ones are getting put off by what my husband declares is God's Word to him concerning our situation. They are questioning and becoming hardened.

As I type this my resolve is becoming stronger. I will have to look for a full time job and get the necessities back in my kids life. I will not wait for my husband to supply it any longer. No, it is not what we had first planned but I am going to trust God to help me to meet the needs of my children.

I will have to fight the resentment I feel rise in me when he acts as if all is gold and the family can get by on very little. That will take a miracle from God's handbook of forgiveness and mercy.

Just to say, I know there are many people out there dealing with more heart wrenching dilemmas than mine. It boils down to rejection and not being recognized as having enough worth to him. Sad to feel it boiled down to one sentence.

I look to God for my comfort and strength. It has just been overwhelming to come to realise he knows my heart break and chooses to do nothing tangible about it. He says I am not hearing from god and over emotional. Please pray for him. Please pray for me and my kids. You are so kind to do so.

[Raymond]

I wouldn't say he is purposely rejecting you Butterfly but he is misguided which is having the affect of rejecting you. He seems a bit of a loner and overly independent. Did he have childhood problems? Lack of nurture or anything? It may be that once you are working and getting your own sustenance he will reflect on that and see his errors. He will certainly question you on it and that will give you a chance to bring the situation to him forcefully.

Wives are very high priority in the kingdom of God if one reads the scriptures. Things like "Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself for it, that he might sanctify it etc..... So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own body, but nourishes it and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church".

These things are not set aside for anything in scripture no matter what ministry one may have. If he is under the pastor as well I would have thought the pastor could guide him on the way he is behaving and even get the church to help financially. This may shame your husband but perhaps that is needed while he is dogging his responsibility.

I think it is a case of getting through to Him. God getting through to Him, plus you or the pastor or even the children. When you pray God will be working. I think there is mixture there within him. The good needs to be encouraged but the other reproved. You can encourage the good but maybe not the reproof, at least not directly. God is able to do that as you pray, although He has given us freewill. If he won't listen it may have to go the hard way for him but that will be an answer as well.

Raymond