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View Full Version : He wants kids; I don't.


Song
1st June 2002, 11:17 AM
I know that's probably a *gasp* for some of you who have children. How can a woman in her right mind NOT want at least one? I won't go fully into it for the sake of not offending some of you, but I will say that it is not because of my own childhood. No, I don't hate children...I just don't enjoy being around them and don't even find babies cute. Please don't say I will change my mind, because I am sure. I am 28 and have never in my life felt anything resembling the pangs for motherhood. With the freespirited way I enjoy life, motherhood would be like death to me.

My husband (who is 25) feels the opposite. He enjoys kids and longs for fatherhood. He says he doesn't know if he could be happy without them, though he says he is happy with me now. He thinks that years later he might become bitter towards me for denying him a chance at fatherhood.

He knew before we married--long before we even got engaged, for that matter--that I strongly do not want children. We had a formal discussion about that, and I told him that if he wasn't sure he could live happily without parenthood he needed to tell me then, so as to avoid a lot of heartache later. He said that was okay, that he could be happy as long as he had me and that he didn't need children to feel complete.

He says now that he loves me more deeply than I can know and that he doesn't want to give up all the beautiful things about our relationship (I can't imagine how our marriage could in other respects be more ideal) and that I couldn't possibly be a more amazing wife than I already am. He said there is nothing else bothering him--yet he's not sure if he's going to keep me. He is seriously considering divorcing me so that he can eventually find a woman with whom he can have a child.

He does not currently spend much time with children and says he does not want to babysit, mentor, work with a youth organization...(says it would only intensify his desire for a child of his own.)

My husband and I have always been faithful to one another and our sex life is very good, so I know it can't be that...

I will let him go if that is truly the only way he can be happy...but I don't want to.

Anyone else been there and resolved this? Or do you have an opinion, insight or advice you would like to share?

I thank you in advance for your replies.

Liz
2nd June 2002, 07:53 PM
It's interesting that a small but increasing number of married couples are choosing not to have a family. There is a recent book called Families of Two (http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0738822612/qid=1023043182/sr=1-4/ref=sr_1_0_4/202-2969576-0462216) with interviews with such couples. There are also web sites (http://www.resolve.org/index.shtml) to support those who can't have children because of infertility move on and find happiness.

What is at the heart of your question is surely that it should be a mutual decision. You believe it is, because you talked it through with your husband before you married, but now he is finding the reality hard to cope with. Perhaps he believed he could manage without them or perhaps he thought you might change your mind. He wouldn't be the first spouse to hope their partner would change!

How much have you been able to talk with him? Have you asked him to try and share with you why having a family is so important to him? Does he feel incomplete or less of a man without a family? Is there something in his cultural background that means having children is importnant eg passing on the family name? You are very secure in your choice not to have children, but that may make you seem unsympathetic to what he is struggling with. Surely part of being married is coming alongside each other when we are struggling and helping each other to work through our difficulties and pain. Or are you afraid that, if you do allow yourself to understand what he really belives and feels deep down, you might have to be open to changing your mind. It is hardest to listen to our partner when we fear it might involve us in being willing to change.

Just some thoughts..

Liz