Emotional support?

[JM75]

This is a bit weird, I'm not the kind of person who usually writes on random forums asking for advice but I figured it might help.

I've been married for 9 years this year and I've been with my wife for 13 years. We have two children.

Before being with me she was in a very violent and unpleasant relationship and when we got together she was very emotionally defensive and was always on the look out for telltale signs of me betraying her. She was unwilling to let me go anywhere or have female friends or acquaintances as she always expected me to have an affair. I remember very early on in the relationship when I mentioned to her that I had gone to a pub after work. She went absolutely mental and accused me of seeing someone else. It surprised me so much I couldn't think of any way to respond!

So it's continued over the years. The problem I have now is that if I do find friendship (just friendship) with another woman I find they provide me with more emotional support than she does. It's come to the stage where I contemplate having an affair because they are giving more emotional support than her. Her attitude towards me (and men in general) is kind of creating a self fulfilling prophesy, I have concealed friendships from her as it's easier than facing the interrogation and emotional attacks over it. Of course if these get discovered then it just proves her point...!

This situation has happened twice, although I have to stress that despite wanting to I have never taken the relationships further and have severed contact with the people involved.

I don't feel like the 'bad guy' here, maybe I am? but it just feels to me that my feelings, beliefs and passions are always secondary to hers and she has no qualms about stamping on them if she doesn't believe in them. The same with anyone who has beliefs different to hers. I feel that I am constantly required to give her emotional support but am never allowed any in return.

How do I deal with this? If I divorce her then it doesn't affect me personally, but right now I can insulate my children from this? If I left I could see her infecting them with the same attitudes.

I'm sure there are people who have been in similar positions, I'd love to know how they dealt with it...

[luce]

I dont understand why you would need female friendships enough to conceal them from your wife. You are a married man. A lot of married people stick to only same sex friendships.

I was totally the opposite to your wife btw - i encouraged my husband to have friendships of both sexes. Didnt make an issue of it at all. But he still used the same rational as you when he eventually had an affair with one of these women. He said moreorless word for word what you said about his feelings, beliefs and passions being secondary. He said the same about emotional support.

Interesting that i was totally the opposite to your wife yet my husband came out with same stuff. Of course, he only told me this after he'd left, lol. If your marriage is in trouble then act responsibly and talk to your wife about marriage counselling.

[koliver0821]

Time to wear the big boy pants and man up. Sorry, but its true. My wife was exactly like you for most our marriage. Always questioning me and always assuming the worst of me. I couldnt understand it. Its not like I had female friends. They were more like acquaintances. The only time I had conversations with these women would be on the train (commuting) in a group setting.

I wont lie, it bothered the crap out of me. An affair was the furthest thing from my mind. However, just like you, I did keep little things from her basically to save myself from having an argument. Well you know what, I didnt realize what she was really telling me. And I suspect its the same for her. She didnt know how much I loved her. This went on for a couple of years. Until last April.

Last April was when my wife had an affair. She bottled that up for awhile. It was mostly an emotional affair but it did a fair amount of damage to our relationship. We both ended up sweeping "our" issues under the rug until finally all hell broke loose. She asked for a separation to think about things and finally a month later, told me about her affair.

The good news, we are both back together. Surprisingly stronger than before. However, it took patience and THERAPY for me to feel good about myself and for my wife to feel good about herself. I mean individual therapy as well. What it comes down to is your actually enabling her to act the way she does. I did the same for years. I think if you are looking for emotional support, you may want to start by talking to a therapist. Not a couples therapist. Just start there and see where it goes. Because having an affair without trying to talk to the woman you married about your issues with her, is immature.

I hope that didnt come across as being harsh. I dont mean any disrespect.

[mdmquincy]

koliver... awesome advice. Didn't sound harsh to me, sounded like experience and empathy. J