jacqui
31st May 2002, 12:31 PM
Hello, I suppose I just need a reasurring pat on the back that the conclusions that I've come to are ok.
6 months ago I found out that my husband was having an affair. I had no idea at all and the devastation it caused was huge. But through all the tears, fights etc one thing shone through, he loved me and I loved him, so how could this happen.
We knew we had infertility problems before we married, he has a low sperm count which was caused by his failure as a teenager to get a medical condition seen to ( I'd rather not say what). I guess if we are honest here our inability to have kids is his fault due to the embarressment he felt ( understandable) and I have always told him that that is ok, I don't blame him. This problem meant he was very shy around women and not confident but we managed to get together and I encouraged him to get medical treatment.
We married and had our first ivf treatment which failed. I met someone else that I was very attracted to and we discussed having an affair ( before our first wedding anniversary). I battled with my self but decided to go for it, I think the reason being that my husband wasn't giving me the support I needed and I didn't know how to ask for it. I went to see this man for sex but he wasn't there, I took that as a sign that I had had a lucky escape and never saw him again. My husband never knew about this until I found out about his affair.
We have had a lot of ivf treatment over the years and I really believed we had the perfect marriage. But it seems that 6 years ago he started to ask girls to dance the slow dances at night clubs ( he has always gone out, about every 2-3 weeks either pubs or clubs) and then kiss these girls. During 3 years of this we were still having ivf. But then I could cope no more with the failure and for my own sanity I told him that I could not do ivf anymore.
The dancing and kissing continued, in May last year our nephew was born. Gary became the last sibling in his family not to have children, this coincided with him asking one of these women if she would be about in a couple of weeks time. The affair started like that.
He picked her at random, found out that she was married and hey presto an affair starts, she is 7 years older than him , married with 3 children. Over the next 6 months they meet on his night out about 13 times, he phones her at work she phones him at work then I give him my mobile and they communicate via text messages. ( this is how I find out).
The first time they have sex it is in her car, in a public car park and she says to him 'well are you going to f*** me then' they do it twice more, this time at a known lovers haunt but still in her car. I go away for a week and although they talk about meeting up, he is too scared about seeing someone he knows (he knows a lot of people) he takes our car one night but doesn't have sex with her because ? his words he was sober and it didn't seem such a good idea.
When I found out he was devastated and terrified that I would leave, I just couldn't believe it. I phoned her up and they have never contacted each other since. He can't believe that he did it and he now looks back on all of it with disbelief and shame.
I think the infertility had a lot to do with it, sex became very mechanical and boring, since the affair our sex life has become amazing. We both thought the marriage perfect but I was finding my kicks in study, everytime I started a new evening class I always hoped for a little excitement, flirting etc and when I went away during the affair it was for open university and I really could have had a one night stand.
I feel like we were both to blame for the breakdown in our marriage and now looking back it seems so obvious. We did not argue or have any form of confrontation.
We are getting on really well now but I am stuck with images of him kissing and having sex. He has been very open and honest and answered all my questions however painful they were. He has kissed more girls in the last six years then the six years before he met me.
Is this all to do with his low self esteem, his inability to be a father, the tears he has cried now about that make my heart break, ( he never cried about it before) and the marriage being boring and unexciting. Does that make sense, I need to make sence of it so that I can understand his motivations. He loves me so much and he cries at the merest hint of my going, I have become very clingy but I am healing, it is slow but I am sure we will do it.
Sorry this has been so long but it feels very complicated and I needed to explain everything, thank you for this web site it has helped so much.
Regards Jacqui x
6 months ago I found out that my husband was having an affair. I had no idea at all and the devastation it caused was huge. But through all the tears, fights etc one thing shone through, he loved me and I loved him, so how could this happen.
We knew we had infertility problems before we married, he has a low sperm count which was caused by his failure as a teenager to get a medical condition seen to ( I'd rather not say what). I guess if we are honest here our inability to have kids is his fault due to the embarressment he felt ( understandable) and I have always told him that that is ok, I don't blame him. This problem meant he was very shy around women and not confident but we managed to get together and I encouraged him to get medical treatment.
We married and had our first ivf treatment which failed. I met someone else that I was very attracted to and we discussed having an affair ( before our first wedding anniversary). I battled with my self but decided to go for it, I think the reason being that my husband wasn't giving me the support I needed and I didn't know how to ask for it. I went to see this man for sex but he wasn't there, I took that as a sign that I had had a lucky escape and never saw him again. My husband never knew about this until I found out about his affair.
We have had a lot of ivf treatment over the years and I really believed we had the perfect marriage. But it seems that 6 years ago he started to ask girls to dance the slow dances at night clubs ( he has always gone out, about every 2-3 weeks either pubs or clubs) and then kiss these girls. During 3 years of this we were still having ivf. But then I could cope no more with the failure and for my own sanity I told him that I could not do ivf anymore.
The dancing and kissing continued, in May last year our nephew was born. Gary became the last sibling in his family not to have children, this coincided with him asking one of these women if she would be about in a couple of weeks time. The affair started like that.
He picked her at random, found out that she was married and hey presto an affair starts, she is 7 years older than him , married with 3 children. Over the next 6 months they meet on his night out about 13 times, he phones her at work she phones him at work then I give him my mobile and they communicate via text messages. ( this is how I find out).
The first time they have sex it is in her car, in a public car park and she says to him 'well are you going to f*** me then' they do it twice more, this time at a known lovers haunt but still in her car. I go away for a week and although they talk about meeting up, he is too scared about seeing someone he knows (he knows a lot of people) he takes our car one night but doesn't have sex with her because ? his words he was sober and it didn't seem such a good idea.
When I found out he was devastated and terrified that I would leave, I just couldn't believe it. I phoned her up and they have never contacted each other since. He can't believe that he did it and he now looks back on all of it with disbelief and shame.
I think the infertility had a lot to do with it, sex became very mechanical and boring, since the affair our sex life has become amazing. We both thought the marriage perfect but I was finding my kicks in study, everytime I started a new evening class I always hoped for a little excitement, flirting etc and when I went away during the affair it was for open university and I really could have had a one night stand.
I feel like we were both to blame for the breakdown in our marriage and now looking back it seems so obvious. We did not argue or have any form of confrontation.
We are getting on really well now but I am stuck with images of him kissing and having sex. He has been very open and honest and answered all my questions however painful they were. He has kissed more girls in the last six years then the six years before he met me.
Is this all to do with his low self esteem, his inability to be a father, the tears he has cried now about that make my heart break, ( he never cried about it before) and the marriage being boring and unexciting. Does that make sense, I need to make sence of it so that I can understand his motivations. He loves me so much and he cries at the merest hint of my going, I have become very clingy but I am healing, it is slow but I am sure we will do it.
Sorry this has been so long but it feels very complicated and I needed to explain everything, thank you for this web site it has helped so much.
Regards Jacqui x