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View Full Version : How do I tell her.


russell
29th May 2002, 07:56 PM
I have been with my girlfriend for about 7 years now, and having been living with her for 3 years. ever since we moved in together we have been having more fights about the house and money. One big fight that lasted over a year was about strip clubs, I used to like goig to them to relax. mid last year during all this fighting I cheated on my girlfriend by going to a brothel, it was the worst experience ever, and I felt sick in my stomach afterwards with what I did, I am finding it so hard to tell her the truth, especially because she has moved out due to a incident at a strip bar a few months ago. I know I have to tell her, because the guilt is killing me, I want so much to just be with her, but I know when I tell it will break her heart I feel so ashammed, How do I tell her?

Song
1st June 2002, 12:04 PM
Apparently, she has already broken up with you, or is trying to accomplish that. It also sounds like she had good reason. Telling her that you also cheated on her isn't likely to get the two of you back together and would only hurt her. Unless she is going to find out anyway or if you contracted an STD, changing your own behaviour is the only logical way to alleviate your conscience. Learn from what you did and grow from it.

For some men, visiting strip clubs isn't a big deal. I mean that it is sometimes done innocently. Such men need an understanding partner. However, from what you said: "an incident at a strip bar," and the fact that you DID cheat, it seems obvious that you are not one of those men for whom it is an innocent pastime like admiring pictures in Playboy without enticement, and no woman should be expected to "understand." And if you need it to "relax" then you've got a problem that you need to solve.

It sounds like the two of you had serious issues besides (house, money, much fighting) and though professional counselling together could maybe help with the fighting, in this other respect nothing will help unless you are sincerely willing to change.

There are underlying issues behind your mental and physical lack of faithfulness. One-on-one counselling could help you pinpoint and overcome those, but IF you want to become a steady man then one way or another you need to deal with those issues.

Otherwise you need to avoid committed relationships unless they are the "open" kind.

If you love her then you will want HER to be happy first and foremost. If you can't be the kind of man she needs (without abdicating your principles and the kind of person you think you should be evolving into), then let her go. Only you and she know if there is truly a chance for the two of you together. It will be a lot of work to build your relationship better than it was. If you are serious, then it sounds like professional help is warranted.

I wish you well, and I wish her well.

Song