Wife says out of blue she is unhappy

[Unregistered]

I have been married for 12 years with 2 children. We seemed to have a very happy marriage - very few arguments. Approximately 2 months ago my wife and I were making love when she froze and said she could not do this anymore as she had no feelings towards me. Nothing was said for a month - I was hoping it was a one off. I then confronted her and she poured out a lot of pain and said she had no feelings anymore and was not sure she ever had. She thought love should last forever but that our love had slowly died over the last five years as we built up our own lifes.

We are now getting counselling and last week we hugged for the first time in months. The problem I have at the moment is that I was in a 4 year reltionship before getting married which ended with no warning as the person just left. Again I thought we were very happy. I have tried everything in the last few weeks to win my wife back - losing weight, working out, flowers, gifts, romantic baths etc. but I am beginning to resent it. I look back and it has always been me that has put in the romatic effort in our marriage and iniaited everything. Is this normal??

[Liz]

Some people find it easier to be romantic than others. It doesn't mean that your wife doesn't care, just because she didn't do romantic things. She may not have been brought up to do things like that naturally.

I once heard the story of a married couple. She loved birthdays, because they'd always been special in her family. He had never been given a present or celebrated a birthday in his family. She expected so much from him. He made a huge affort, bought a present and left it in it's bag from the shop in the kitchen. She was heartbroken at his apparent lack of care. He thought he had done something apecial for her because he had bought her something. He was doing the best he could from his life experience, but she was desparately hurt instead of being pleased. Because they didn't understand each others values and perceptions of life they didn't understand what the other needed or could give.

Perhaps your wife and you see life differently and have never so far been able to share those different perspectives. It doesn't mean you are incompatible or shouldn't be married - it means you have a lot to learn and discover about each other.

Don't allow that sense of "here we go again" get in the way. Persevere with your counselling, then consider a marriage enrichment weekend (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/) to really build your marriage up again!