Wife says she needs space

[swu6674]

My wife and I have known each other for 25 years and we have been married almost 19 years (33 days shy of our 19th year anniversary). We have two beautiful healthy children, son age 15 and a daughter age 11. During the past couple years, we argued frequently for all sort of things as I look back now after our separation.

During the separation process, I did everything I can think of (called panic mode - now that I know) to keep our marriage together eventhough a few years back when we argued I asked her if it would be better for us to be divorced and she suggested that we should see a marriage counselor and I said it is not necessary. This time around, it is reversed I asked her if we should see a marriage counselor and she said no.

She said if you love me, please allow me to have my space. As such, I agreed but not really (if you know what I meant). During the first few days, I am confused, depressed and sad after the separation as we have been living together for the last two decades. Two weeks after the separation, we appear to have a good converstaion (and stupid me not knowing any better) and one evening I emailed her to say "can I talk to you" either at your place or mine and she was curious and called me right away and said what is it? I said I need to talk to you face to face and she insisted on what is it and I said "I need you back" - huge mistake! We went back to the original well again. During the heat of the moment, I even said so basically it is over between us, we are done and she said "I suppose so" and went on to say let us stop the conversation and I agreed to stop. Two hours later, I emailed her that I was not thinking clearly and that I would not bother her again.

I have the kids 3 days and she has the kids 4 days each week and we just say hello to each other if and when we see each other during kids exchange. I have not try to make an initial contact with her since the worst phrase I said "I need you back" incident. Since then, I have purchaed "magic of making up" and I will try to follow the advice as best as I can i.e. not to contact her again after 30 days - ask her out for short date i.e. Star Bucks date (1/2 hours or so). I have been actively excercising weekly i.e. playing tennis each week and eat healhty foods as many experts sugguested. As an expert said, I know that I have to be able to feel and act that I can live my life on without her before I ask her out for a first short date. Before the separation, she said it is difficult for both sides. She said if we do get back together in the future, we have to start dating again.

I know the best thing now is to give her space but for how long? Is 30 days later okay to connect with her again for a short date? Please advise if you have any other suggestions.

Regards,

SW

[Raymond]

There is no set time on giving her space. Whatever she needs is the maxim. She obviously needs it but has not closed the door from what I am reading. Just because she is not ready doesn't mean you have to close the door either. You just need patience. Sounds to me like you need to win her back slowly.

Raymond

[luce]

I am so sorry you find yourself in this place but you really sound to be doing wonderfully well. You are learning, keeping the focus on yourself, you are listening regarding the space, and taking fantastic care of yourself with the food and diet. Keep up the good work and keep posting the hard moments on this board. It really helped me to post on this board.

[koliver0821]

Speaking as a person who has lived through this, I have some ideas. Don't worry about backsliding. Honestly, I did the same thing. Though in some sense, that pursuing behavior was exactly what my wife needed to see from me. Atleast in the beginning. I got the same speech. She needed space and wasn't sure she was in Love with me anymore.

What you need to do is tell her you are committed to making the marriage work. I dont know your living arrangements but if you moved out, I strongly suggest you move back in. As Raymond can attest to as well, space doesn't mean you have to be actually out of the house. I was out of the house for a few weeks but even during those days I was technically away, I was living in the house.

The next biggest thing you will need to understand is your role in the relationship. If you read my thread, you will see that I was very introspective. I learned quite a bit about myself during the first few days away. Specifically, i realized that even though i said my family was a priority, I wasn't exactly acting that way. I also learned that I have been dealing with my own depression for so long that I had forgotten how to live. Sure I made it through the day to day. I would help my kids and my wife but really I forgot about taking care of myself.

SO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. BE a Better you. It sounds so cliche-ish. But its important that you take steps to become stronger. This part could hurt. One way or the other, you will want to make sure you are strong. If it works out, you will be that much further along. If it doesn't, you will be closer to recovery.

Your wife sounds like she may be going through a MidLife Crisis. I dont know anything about your situation. Sometimes when people need space, they are feeling overwhelmed with life's responsibilities. That could mean that she wants you to help out more. It could also mean that someone else is in the picture. (or was in the picture). Guilt can do funny things to people. It took guilt 6-8 months to eat away enough at my wife to ask for a separation. After I beat myself up about my role in the failure of our relationship, she finally admitted to an affair she had. Her guilt had eaten away at her own self-esteem that she felt didnt deserve to be loved.

I know its a ton to take in right now. Give us some of the details and we can try and provide our experience to see how it may relate. What she may really need from you is to know that you will love her no matter what. I stopped worrying about being there for her as a husband. I started being there for her more as a friend.

[swu6674]

There is no set time on giving her space. Whatever she needs is the maxim. She obviously needs it but has not closed the door from what I am reading. Just because she is not ready doesn't mean you have to close the door either. You just need patience. Sounds to me like you need to win her back slowly.

Raymond

Raymond,

Thank you very much for reading my story and your "no set time on giving her space" time line. At times, I just want this to be over either one way or the other but I feel strongly about family values and about my kids. They are wonderful kids and I love them to death. We both agree to make this to be as painless as possible for them and I keep on telling them that they have two rooms instead of one and that is the only difference. The children seem to be doing well but my boy at times is sad and I can see that. It just breaks my heart. Thank you again.

[swu6674]

I am so sorry you find yourself in this place but you really sound to be doing wonderfully well. You are learning, keeping the focus on yourself, you are listening regarding the space, and taking fantastic care of yourself with the food and diet. Keep up the good work and keep posting the hard moments on this board. It really helped me to post on this board.

Luce,

Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. It has been very tough as we live separately and I am sure it is for her as well. Some days it is high and at certain days it is low. I wish that it did not come to this but the fact of the matter that it does and I have to deal with it as best as possible. I have learned a lot since. Thank you for reading my story.

[swu6674]

Speaking as a person who has lived through this, I have some ideas. Don't worry about backsliding. Honestly, I did the same thing. Though in some sense, that pursuing behavior was exactly what my wife needed to see from me. Atleast in the beginning. I got the same speech. She needed space and wasn't sure she was in Love with me anymore.

What you need to do is tell her you are committed to making the marriage work. I dont know your living arrangements but if you moved out, I strongly suggest you move back in. As Raymond can attest to as well, space doesn't mean you have to be actually out of the house. I was out of the house for a few weeks but even during those days I was technically away, I was living in the house.

The next biggest thing you will need to understand is your role in the relationship. If you read my thread, you will see that I was very introspective. I learned quite a bit about myself during the first few days away. Specifically, i realized that even though i said my family was a priority, I wasn't exactly acting that way. I also learned that I have been dealing with my own depression for so long that I had forgotten how to live. Sure I made it through the day to day. I would help my kids and my wife but really I forgot about taking care of myself.

SO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. BE a Better you. It sounds so cliche-ish. But its important that you take steps to become stronger. This part could hurt. One way or the other, you will want to make sure you are strong. If it works out, you will be that much further along. If it doesn't, you will be closer to recovery.

Your wife sounds like she may be going through a MidLife Crisis. I dont know anything about your situation. Sometimes when people need space, they are feeling overwhelmed with life's responsibilities. That could mean that she wants you to help out more. It could also mean that someone else is in the picture. (or was in the picture). Guilt can do funny things to people. It took guilt 6-8 months to eat away enough at my wife to ask for a separation. After I beat myself up about my role in the failure of our relationship, she finally admitted to an affair she had. Her guilt had eaten away at her own self-esteem that she felt didnt deserve to be loved.

I know its a ton to take in right now. Give us some of the details and we can try and provide our experience to see how it may relate. What she may really need from you is to know that you will love her no matter what. I stopped worrying about being there for her as a husband. I started being there for her more as a friend.

Koliver0821,

Thank you for your comprehensive in-depth of the situation. I think she is going through a MidLife Crisis but the fact of the matter is that we had arguments so often that we can't really stand each other in the same room. A lot has to do with the fact that we do not have a lot of things in common and that can be anything. As such, we continue to have arguments and it has built up all these years. However, I have learned a lot about myself since like you mentioned in the first few days of the separation. The problems were all minor matters in my eye now. Woman is wired differently than man and we have to care and be attentive to them at all times and that what they want to see in us (use kind words). She said I have temper and I said she has temper.

Anyhow, when I picked up the kids this past weekend I also delivered her favorite breakfast (delivered via the kid) and the next time we spoke she thanked me for that. I am sure it is difficult for her as well. As mentioned, I have learned a lot about myself since and I will continue to focus on myself as a better person then eventually and hopefully things will fall into places and life goes on. No matter which way it will plays and as you said I will be much stronger if we reunite and make our relationship much better and stronger or move on with life. Thank you again for your time and in-depth perspective.

Regards,

SW

[koliver0821]

Perhaps the biggest thing to remember is that no matter what, you will always be in each other's lives. I am not naive enough to think that it will be the way you want it to be. However, one thing that I learned going through this process myself was that my wife didnt even know what made her happy anymore. During one of our Marriage Counseling sessions, I told the therapist (and my wife) that we dont always like the same things. We both had lost what made us individuals and sadly that same thing that made us a strong couple at first was the same thing that made us break as well.

You are correct. Woman are wired differently. No doubt about it. When it comes to having a temper, it comes down to realizing that sometimes people are wrong. That includes yourself. My wife said I had a temper. No one else saw that. Including myself. However, what she saw as a temper was the way I would talk to her. It sounded sadly like my mother. Very condescending. I couldnt believe it either. Sadly, it took me seeing myself on a video tape talking to my wife over 8 years ago with this crappy attitude over some nonsense that really didnt matter to me. What I learned is that the only way that I could be a better person was to soften my heart. I started forgiving everyone. Including my wife. I forgave my wife for an affair. Something I said would be a death blow to our marriage.

In the end, I realized I am an incredible person. (Ok I will always work on affirmations LOL). I have the ability to forgive people for the unforgivable. I can also love. Love unconditionally. I made this change in my life after being forced to live away from the woman I vowed to love til death do us part.

Things will get better. But before they get better for the two of you as a couple, they will need to get better for you as an individual. That doesn't mean you dont care for her. Remember the things you both did together. The things you did as a couple before the kids were in the picture. I know my wife lost some of her identity because of the kids. We wanted a big family and we got it. However, we didnt realize some of the sacrifices we would make in having that big family. We both realized we need to be committed to each other as much as we are to the kids. Once we both started seeing that, things got smoother.

The last thing I want to make sure you understand is regarding happiness. Remember, you will be happy again. Be sure to always be happy when you meet your wife. Be dressed for success. Like you are going on a date everytime you are to drop the kids off. Your doing the right thing about making a date night. Make sure you do that. But also make sure you stay away from relationship talk. Unless she brings it up. Even then, be caring but be short. Dont be expansive. To be honest, the next phase of your relationship is to build a new foundation for the next phase.

[swu6674]

Perhaps the biggest thing to remember is that no matter what, you will always be in each other's lives. I am not naive enough to think that it will be the way you want it to be. However, one thing that I learned going through this process myself was that my wife didnt even know what made her happy anymore. During one of our Marriage Counseling sessions, I told the therapist (and my wife) that we dont always like the same things. We both had lost what made us individuals and sadly that same thing that made us a strong couple at first was the same thing that made us break as well.

You are correct. Woman are wired differently. No doubt about it. When it comes to having a temper, it comes down to realizing that sometimes people are wrong. That includes yourself. My wife said I had a temper. No one else saw that. Including myself. However, what she saw as a temper was the way I would talk to her. It sounded sadly like my mother. Very condescending. I couldnt believe it either. Sadly, it took me seeing myself on a video tape talking to my wife over 8 years ago with this crappy attitude over some nonsense that really didnt matter to me. What I learned is that the only way that I could be a better person was to soften my heart. I started forgiving everyone. Including my wife. I forgave my wife for an affair. Something I said would be a death blow to our marriage.

In the end, I realized I am an incredible person. (Ok I will always work on affirmations LOL). I have the ability to forgive people for the unforgivable. I can also love. Love unconditionally. I made this change in my life after being forced to live away from the woman I vowed to love til death do us part.

Things will get better. But before they get better for the two of you as a couple, they will need to get better for you as an individual. That doesn't mean you dont care for her. Remember the things you both did together. The things you did as a couple before the kids were in the picture. I know my wife lost some of her identity because of the kids. We wanted a big family and we got it. However, we didnt realize some of the sacrifices we would make in having that big family. We both realized we need to be committed to each other as much as we are to the kids. Once we both started seeing that, things got smoother.

The last thing I want to make sure you understand is regarding happiness. Remember, you will be happy again. Be sure to always be happy when you meet your wife. Be dressed for success. Like you are going on a date everytime you are to drop the kids off. Your doing the right thing about making a date night. Make sure you do that. But also make sure you stay away from relationship talk. Unless she brings it up. Even then, be caring but be short. Dont be expansive. To be honest, the next phase of your relationship is to build a new foundation for the next phase.


Thank you for the advice. I will make sure that I will always be happy whenever I see her during kids drop off or pick up (show her that I can live on my own as well). Correct, I must focus on myself first to make myself happy then everything else should fall into place. I will have to focus on being a better me and this will help our relationship down the line. I certainly have temper and I should look at myself in the video like you said and it would not be nice. That is what I need for work on and if we do come back together the relationship should be much stronger.

I am glad that happiness will return since you have gone through that - thanks. The big question is when will I ask her out again, 30 days later or wait until she feels good - no time frame? How long should a separation last - I have no clue, 2 months, 6 months or 1 year?

Regards,

SW

[Raymond]

Who can answer that? Too long and she will be past it and might have moved on. The trouble is we do not know her mind. All you can do is sort out the problems on your side and use the opportunities of communication you get in a postive way. She just need the time she needs and you have to assess what the problem is so you can deal with it.

I would just be sensitive and allow her to work out what it is she is working out.

Raymond

[swu6674]

Who can answer that? Too long and she will be past it and might have moved on. The trouble is we do not know her mind. All you can do is sort out the problems on your side and use the opportunities of communication you get in a postive way. She just need the time she needs and you have to assess what the problem is so you can deal with it.

I would just be sensitive and allow her to work out what it is she is working out.

Raymond

Raymond,

Good advice. I will continue to monitor the situation. We met yesterday and we spoke a bit. Told her that I am focusing on myself and that I have learned and reflected alot about myself since our separation. She said that is good - as for her, she is still far from it. I did not push any much more and we kind of ended right there and she had tears.

It is still difficult for all of us. My heart is still with her for now and I hope that my heart will not change - we have two beautiful kids together (thinking about having them bring their kids to us one day and being grandparents). To be honest, at times I still have to think about moving on with my life if things do not work out. I can't wait forever and I don't think she really knows what she wants but I will be patience at this time. I will let her have her space for now and I am not even worry about our financial at this point which I was very concerned with in the beginning and that's when she even distanced herself more.

Thank you for your time.

Regards,

SW

[Raymond]

I think you will have been learning and reflecting at this time and will be a much better husband when you do come back together. Violent arguments can kill things. We never let the sun go down on our wrath as the scripture says. That means never go to bed in anger but make some show of affection to show you still love her. The relationship should come before who is right or wrong.

Are you sure there is nobody else?

I think you are doing okay. She will gradually see the changes in you as you use the opportunities. I think you just have to keep your ear to the ground. Opportunities will come.

Raymond

[swu6674]

I think you will have been learning and reflecting at this time and will be a much better husband when you do come back together. Violent arguments can kill things. We never let the sun go down on our wrath as the scripture says. That means never go to bed in anger but make some show of affection to show you still love her. The relationship should come before who is right or wrong.

Are you sure there is nobody else?

I think you are doing okay. She will gradually see the changes in you as you use the opportunities. I think you just have to keep your ear to the ground. Opportunities will come.

Raymond

Thank you, Raymond. You are right on. I definitely think I will be a better husband and person with our separation. I don't have anyone else that I am interested in except her - mother of my children. It is a good advice not to go to bed with anger in you. Deepening faith has also helped a lot.

Regards,

SW

[Raymond]

I really hope it works out for you Swu.

Raymond

[Algenon49]

i'm in the same situation, my wife left me 8 weeks ago no reason no explanation just left! don't know where she's gone as she won't tell me just she's renting somewhere, since found out she lost her job just before she left but has now started a new job in London.
The hurt is tremendous no sleep no appettite my son who still lives with me is distraught, the contact i've had has been brief, she just asked for space, but it's now 8 weeks i'm going out of my mind with the thoughts i'm having, it makes matters worse that i don't know where she is, can't phone as i don't want to pressure her into anything and push her away, don't know what to do for the best.

[Raymond]

Why do you think she left. Was it the marriage or is there someone else?

Raymond

[Algenon49]

The only information i have at this time is that she said she wasn't happy, but wasn't specific as to what that actually meant, i asked her was there anyone else to which she has said no, even my eldest son has asked her the same question and recieved the same answer, i do tend to believe her although there will always be that element of doubt.

She has contacted me last night to ask me to meet her tonight for a drink and a chat, maybe something positive there or maybe it's goingto be a conversation that i realy do not want to hear, i am feeling very nervous about this and as a consequence havn't slept at all just thinking about what the agenda will be.

[Raymond]

At least you will be closer to the truth which has to come in the end. You at least need a reason for the departure. Maybe there is something you can do about it.

Sorry to pinch your thread SWU. This does happen on here as your type of situation does make others speak up.

Raymond

[Algenon49]

Yes apologies to SWU, but the similarity in our circumstances was close,

in work at the moment but can't concentrate, millions of thihings running through my head, yes i'd like to think i can work this out with her, she is my life and at the moment the prospect of not having her around anymore is tearing me apart.

[swu6674]

i'm in the same situation, my wife left me 8 weeks ago no reason no explanation just left! don't know where she's gone as she won't tell me just she's renting somewhere, since found out she lost her job just before she left but has now started a new job in London.
The hurt is tremendous no sleep no appettite my son who still lives with me is distraught, the contact i've had has been brief, she just asked for space, but it's now 8 weeks i'm going out of my mind with the thoughts i'm having, it makes matters worse that i don't know where she is, can't phone as i don't want to pressure her into anything and push her away, don't know what to do for the best.

Algenon49,

Be strong and take care of yourself and your son. My sitaution is a little different, we agree to separate at the end and I helped her find the place and buy furnitures, appliances, TV's, etc and visit the kids a couple times per week. You make sure you take care of your son and you will not regret this in your lifetime. She should not just leave like that, it is plain wrong and she will feel remorseful for not seeing her son. Your son should be told no matter what that Mommy and Daddy always love him. That's what we did with our kids before the separation - it is still very difficult for them though. We both love them dearly.

Good luck to you and be a STRONG you.

SWU

[Algenon49]

Back in work today after an extened Easter break and a time to catch up on your comments, a big thankyou to SWU for your words of encourgment.

There was some contact over the Easter break and at first things didn't seem to bad, the conversation was light hearted and the feeling of contentment of just being with her was fantastic, she looked great and i told her that, i also told her how much i loved and missed her and that i/we were still trying to understand why she left, she just said she wasn't happy but some of the things she mentioned were from many years ago, i did say that i wished she would have just spoken to me and discussed these issues rather thn just run away, her reply was that she did,'t know why it just seemed to be the best option.

Since that meeting we had two more and it seemed to go down hill from there, maybe i was trying to hard, i've now decided however hard it will be not to contact her unless she contacts me, she has also expressed her wish to sell our home, although again i am reluctant to do this, why should i have to sell the home me and my son are living in while she is away from us and living in a rented apartment declaring how happy she is?? i'm afraid if she insists on this it will have to be her who sells it and bear the financial consequence that goes with selling.

As i write this i keep thinking that i'm being to hard and that given time and space she may come to realise that we still love her and want her home, it's alll very confusing on what to do for the best, if you were to meet her i'm sure you would understand were i'm coming from, she is the most amazing person.

Anyway another difficult week ahead i'm trying to keep focused on other things but it is difficult, i know it will get easier as the time goes on but my god! right now i'm tortued by the thought of not having her with me.

A lot has been written in this forum by people who have had similar experiances and my heart goes out to everyone one of them, never in a million years would i have thought this would happen to me, must keep strong as the most difficult times are still yet to come.

Thanks everyone

A.

[swu6674]

I really hope it works out for you Swu.

Raymond

Deepening faith and trusting the Lord is the way to go. I continue to surrender more and more and this has helped me tremendously and I continue to pray that things will fall into place at the end. She is still not comfortable at this time but we can have normal conversation now as I learned and be more patient and forgiving. She allows me to visit the kids almost anytime and we can talk a lot about anything except our relationship.

I asked her out for a dinner date this coming Friday and she politely declined saying that she already told the kids that she wants to take them out to the movie and I was calm and okay with it and tell her to have fun. She said OK and Thank You. I will continue to be patient as the Lord have have taught me, "Love is patient", "Love is kind", "Love is not rude", "Love is not prone to anger", "Love is not self-seeking", "Love is not jealous" and "Love does not rejoices with what is wrong but rejoices with what is truth". These teachings from Jesus Christ has helped me a lot and keep me focused and I thank the Lord for that. Thank you for continued support.

SWU

[swu6674]

Back in work today after an extened Easter break and a time to catch up on your comments, a big thankyou to SWU for your words of encourgment.

There was some contact over the Easter break and at first things didn't seem to bad, the conversation was light hearted and the feeling of contentment of just being with her was fantastic, she looked great and i told her that, i also told her how much i loved and missed her and that i/we were still trying to understand why she left, she just said she wasn't happy but some of the things she mentioned were from many years ago, i did say that i wished she would have just spoken to me and discussed these issues rather thn just run away, her reply was that she did,'t know why it just seemed to be the best option.

Since that meeting we had two more and it seemed to go down hill from there, maybe i was trying to hard, i've now decided however hard it will be not to contact her unless she contacts me, she has also expressed her wish to sell our home, although again i am reluctant to do this, why should i have to sell the home me and my son are living in while she is away from us and living in a rented apartment declaring how happy she is?? i'm afraid if she insists on this it will have to be her who sells it and bear the financial consequence that goes with selling.

As i write this i keep thinking that i'm being to hard and that given time and space she may come to realise that we still love her and want her home, it's alll very confusing on what to do for the best, if you were to meet her i'm sure you would understand were i'm coming from, she is the most amazing person.

Anyway another difficult week ahead i'm trying to keep focused on other things but it is difficult, i know it will get easier as the time goes on but my god! right now i'm tortued by the thought of not having her with me.

A lot has been written in this forum by people who have had similar experiances and my heart goes out to everyone one of them, never in a million years would i have thought this would happen to me, must keep strong as the most difficult times are still yet to come.

Thanks everyone

A.

Do your best not to think about her too much and I know it is hard but you must try and move on with your life and hopefully she will come back and you must welcome her with open arms if and when she does and forgive her for everything (no hard feelings toward her). Perhaps, she is simply "lost" right now. If it meant for the two of you to be together, you will be with her again. For me, deepening faith has helped me a lot and this was recommended from my wife's brother and he told her the same thing. I wish you the very best and be sure to take care of yourself and your son - you must focus on that matter. Like Raymond said, happiness will return no matter what and be sure to trust God. Good luck to you.

SWU

[Algenon49]

Thanks SWU,

Its good to know that there are people out there who understand and offer what support they can, everyones words are a great comfort, i have still resisited the incredible urge to contact her, hoping that i am doing the right thing, if as you say we are meant to be together then it will happen in time, i supose i am playing a waiting game.

I keep hoping and praying that as i lay awake in the early hours with my mind racing at what the future holds things will return to some normality in the near future, and by that i mean that she will make contact and we can maybe discuss ways of resolving this issue that has split our family.

I live in hope!

To everyone else experiencing similar troubles, be strong and remember there are many people here who offer their support, i just wish i had a magic wand to wave it all away with.

Thanks

A.

[luce]

.
I keep hoping and praying that as i lay awake in the early hours with my mind racing at what the future holds things will return to some normality in the near future, and by that i mean that she will make contact and we can maybe discuss ways of resolving this issue that has split our family.


A.

Ugghhh, isnt that the pits when the mind races like that in the early hours. And waking up is supposed to be a slow, gentle process. But it is like bam, awake, mind racing AGAIN. Thankfully my mind doesnt do this so much now and normal sleep patterns have been moreorless resumed. :)

[Algenon49]

Yes i agree Luce,

It eally is getting me down waking in the early hours, if i'm not dreaming of her i'm thinking of her!

I'm sure as you say sleep will revert to some normality given time, wish it was sooner rather than later, just feel so exhausted, been 2 weeks since we last had contact and i'm determined not to be the one to instigate this ( although i am desparate to speak to her, but every time i do she justs hurts me )

Can't do that anymore, i'll hope that in time she will contact me, at least i know she has been thinking of me.

Best wishes to everyone, my heart goes out to you all.

A.

[callmedave]

Yes i agree Luce,

It eally is getting me down waking in the early hours, if i'm not dreaming of her i'm thinking of her!

I'm sure as you say sleep will revert to some normality given time, wish it was sooner rather than later, just feel so exhausted, been 2 weeks since we last had contact and i'm determined not to be the one to instigate this ( although i am desparate to speak to her, but every time i do she justs hurts me )

Can't do that anymore, i'll hope that in time she will contact me, at least i know she has been thinking of me.

Best wishes to everyone, my heart goes out to you all.

A.

Hi Algenon/Luce

I can fully relate to sleep deprivation and a racing mind.

This may sound rather naff or patronising (hope not), its something ive practiced before when I had sleep problems, if you have a cd player by your bedside why not buy a relaxation CD, or alternatively a radio alarm clock for the bedside.

Yes of course you will continue to think about what is most important to you for quite some time in your bedroom but you will at least have a quite piece of music in the backround to distract you from time to time, or maybe read a positive book that i going to help you and you only.

Hopefully one or the other will assist you in time with getting some sleep.

In my opinion sleep deprivation makes us more irrational and unable to think straight.

You may not agree with this personally, but i stand by the sentiments of a previous poster (sorry forgot who you were) that said if its meant to be its meant to be.

The very best of luck to you in any case and I hope things work out well for you. :)

[Algenon49]

Thanks,

Yes your right my irrational behaviour and thinking is not at this time at its best, i know it will take time and right now time is what i seem to have loads of.

If it's meant to be then so be it, again probably somwhere in this comment is an element of reality and truth although it still doesn't stop us hoping that things will change for the better.

What i find helps me especially during the day is to make a plan of what i want to do during the day and try to adhere to it, it keeps you focused on particular activities and stops you moping around, just have to deal with the night time now.

A.

[luce]

Hi Algenon/Luce

I can fully relate to sleep deprivation and a racing mind.

This may sound rather naff or patronising (hope not), its something ive practiced before when I had sleep problems, if you have a cd player by your bedside why not buy a relaxation CD, or alternatively a radio alarm clock for the bedside.



Nope, doesnt sound patronising. Worked for me and helped me break the night-time pattern somewhat. I simply started taking my laptop to bed and used relaxation videos from You Tube. Helped a lot. :)

[luce]

.

What i find helps me especially during the day is to make a plan of what i want to do during the day and try to adhere to it, it keeps you focused on particular activities and stops you moping around, just have to deal with the night time now.

A.

Good idea. I wi give that a go. :)

[mdmquincy]

Just read through this thread, and am so sorry that you find yourself in the muck. From what I understand, most of us did not expect to find ourselves in these situations. My husband and I were the go-to couple. Everyone thought we were solid, tight. Especially me. Then, bam.

It's not fair, of course, but that won't get us far. Still, I cant' help but think of the others that are going through these problems right now, going through them alone. Isolated. Goodness, can you imagine the heartache of no one. Maybe they are home alone and not reaching out, not finding a forum such as this to begin stabalizing their rocked worlds. In that way, we are fortunate. We have here, and we have each other.

Know that you are in my thoughts and that you are not alone in your struggle. You deserve some empathy, and you will find some here.

Love and healing and patience,
J