unfaithful

[Unregistered]

My story begins with the relationship between my husband and his bestfriend (a woman). They have been friends for at least 10 years maybe more. My husband left his first wife of 25 years for another woman, which left him a year later. My husbands bestfriend was there to console him, talk to him he was crushed and did not understand why. There friendship turned to passion, but never went all the way. His bestfriend was ill (cancer) and did not want to burden him with her illness. His bestfriend is married and is friends with her husband. My husband proclaimed his love for her then and she rejected it even though she to loved him. They parted. In this point in time my husband met me , we fell in love. I was separated from my ex-husband at the time and lived with my current husband for two years before we married. My husband introduced me to his bestfriend, you know like to get approval, and I could tell something was wrong. She loved him. I questioned my husband about the relationship and he told me of thier affair before we met. I tryed to be friends with her but it became uncofortable. His best friend hung around his business pretending to be helping, she would make excuses to have her car fixed so she could be with him at the shop ect... I told him I did not want her around anymore it didn't look or feel right. And he told her to leave and why. Angrely she left. My husband and I decided to get married and we were going to tell everyone at the BBQ at our house. My husband wanted to tell her she and her husband were invited to the BBQ knowing he was going to ask me to marry him. Like to throw it in her face (I did not know at the time). She cryed at the announcement. We married and she backed off. 2 years later thinking my husband loved only me she enter our lives again. Having trouble with her husband asking my husband for advise you know crying on his shoulder. I trusted him and knew he loved me and I said nothing. 4 monthes ago my husbands youngest daughter moved back in with us she is 24. My children live with us also 17,21. My husband spoiled his daughters they got away with everything from lieing to stealing and he did nothing (doesn't want the confrontation). To make it short his youngest daughter and I don't see eye to eye and we do not like each other. My husbands bestfriend realized this and they became friends. I can tell you all the things they did to manipulate my husband. My husband and I were fighting over the actions of the daughter. It was a matter of loss of privacy and disrespect. My husband started confiding in his bestfriend again instead of talking to me. He would compare me with her as if to have us compete for him. It came to his bestfriend calling him one morning at work upset that her and her husband were fighting and she was crying and could he come over. He went. When he arrived she answered the door in full make-up and wearing nothing but a robe. Guess what no more crying started kissing him and thanking him for coming over and.....you know. One problem her husband came home to apologize and caught them in bed.I was told by her husband the next day. I am still in shock it's been a month. My husband says he loves me and wants to try and I love him and want to try but he lies.When I was told he said they did not go all the way and we went to see the movie "Unfaithful" and confessed the next day that he had an ache in his heart for her and that he loved her and me and they did go all the way.He needed to confess. After the confession he says that he still wants to try with me he has told his bestfriend it's over and does not want to see her ever and he will be with me. Do I believe him? The last week he has brought me flowers, come down to my work to take me to lunch, says now he "loved" her and it's over. I have asked him how can you just turn your love on and off and could you do that to me. He just wants to go forward and be "normal" again.He is avoiding again. He says we talk over and over about the same thing but i just want to understand. What to do?

[Kate]

Perhaps your husband has realised that he can't have you both, but he does sound confused. He may well still feel attracted to her, but he has chosen to walk away from her and try and work things out with you. That is a step in the right direction. Perhaps he needs your encouragement at the effort he is making.

It's quite common for spouses to have different expectations of how things should go after an affair. He may well want to move on and forget it all, but you obviously want to try and make sense of it all and talk about it. You may find some of the articles in the Infidelity (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/) section of the site helpful to understand what you are going through.

There is also an article there on rebuilding trust (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/trust/) which will take time and effort on both your parts. Part of the healing process is about forgiving him and that will take time to and may happen in stages.

I hope you can work things out.

Best wishes

Kate

[Unregistered]

What do I do about 24 yearold stepdaughter living in our home and is still friends with other woman?
She invades our privacy she acts like she is the girlfriend and does little things to push my buttons to look good for father/my husband. I feel the stepdaughter is reporting back to the other woman what is happening in our home. I have asked that she does not call other woman from our home and stepdaughter does it anyway for spite. Father/ my husband spoils her, she is the favorite of his two daughters. Stepdaughters lie and steal and father does nothing ( no confrontation). I do not treat my children this way. To me it's not right. This is the point of the fighting in our home, since stepdaughter has moved back in. My children also live with us, but I have taught them to be considerate of privacy and they do.My husband has chosen to confide in other woman about these problems instead of me, because I am so angry at him for not confronting his daughter. Other woman listen's does not judge but also doesn't live in our house and have these things happening to her.What to do about grown children? Do they go or stay?

[Liz]

Yes it's difficult being the one at home having to cope all the time with the difficult relationship with your step daughter, but don't you wonder why your husband is confiding in the other woman? You may have to set aside your desire to confront things, so your husband feels that he can confide in you instead. If all he gets is resentment and demands, he may well look elsewhere. Even though you may be badly done by, you may have to give way some more to rebuild your relationship with your husband and present a united front against the others.

[Unregistered]

I am not talking about a child my step daughter is 24. Step daughter is in $ trouble and does not want us to know how much so she has chosen to hide it and use OW to help her. Knowing that step daughter was LYING AGAIN to my husband and I the problem of rules lying, ect.. became a problem Husband was not willing to face. So he chose the easy way out and went to OW because she told him what he wanted to here. (Nothings wrong wife crazy)He chose to believe OW because he could not face the fact that what I may be telling him was true. Oddly enough he knows this now, through help from others.

[Unregistered]

Most of us are happy to assist family members in difficulty. At 24, you are right, the daughter is an adult and responsible for her own messes including getting out of them.

She is staying in YOUR home. I'd insist she move out (where is mother?), or if the *bestfriend* is so wonderful, why can't she take her on?

You need to sort out your problems with your husband, and not have that effort redirected by an interfering spiteful relative.